And another thing had become crystal clear during the sleepless hours. Nataleigh was a white-picket-fence-and-babies woman and he could never offer her that world, no matter where their emotions might take them. He had chosen his lifestyle and it would remain as it was.
Wouldn’t it?
Yes, damn it, it would.
He had nothing to offer Nataleigh Brown.
Then later, as he continued to stare into the darkness, he realized that his hasty exit from her place, without a note or a word, gave every indication that he considered their lovemaking a one-night stand. What a sleaze.
She deserved, and would have, an explanation as to why it was impossible for them to see each other again. That conversation would go much more smoothly if his pounding on the door was just now waking her up.
The apartment door opened.
Damn.
A fully dressed Nataleigh stood before him. “Hi,” he said, forcing a smile onto his face and a lightness to his voice. “Ready for some breakfast?”
Nataleigh opened her mouth, closed it, then tried again. “Excuse me?”
Keelan stepped into the living room and headed for the kitchen. Nataleigh shut the door, then followed him.
“Keelan, what—”
“I went home, showered and put on fresh clothes.” He interrupted, sitting the bag on the counter. Which was true. He simply refrained from mentioning what time he actually left her apartment. “I have a scrumptious breakfast for us here. Fresh fruit, bagels and cream cheese. How’s that?”
He turned to see her standing stiff as a pencil by the table, her hands wrapped around her elbows in a closed, protective manner. His heart thundered inside his chest. She looked so fragile. He wanted to cross the room, pull her into his arms and kiss her senseless.
He’d tell her how sensational their lovemaking had been and would sincerely mean every word. He’d kiss away that stricken, confused expression on her face until it was replaced with a smile.
Easy, Keelan. Get a grip.
The eerie, sensuous spell that she was capable of weaving around him was beginning to cloud his mind, cause him to forget why he was there, what he had to say. To continue to date Nataleigh wasn’t fair to her, served no purpose in the overall picture of the future. But it would be tough. The thought of never seeing her again was suddenly causing a knot to twist painfully in his stomach.
To never make love with her again? Never hear her laughter? Watch her expressive brown eyes dance with amusement, then darken with desire? Walking away from her was asinine, really stupid and totally unacceptable.
No, wait a minute. That was selfishness on his part. He knew he couldn’t offer her what she deserved to have. He knew that. He had to end this now, this morning.
Well, there was no sense in wasting the food he’d brought. Conversations like the one on his agenda were better conducted on a full stomach. They’d eat, then talk. “Nataleigh, do you like fresh fruit and bagels?”
“What? Oh, yes, yes I do.”
He crossed the room to grip Nataleigh gently by the shoulders. “You’re upset, aren’t you? Do you regret that we made love? Tell me what you’re thinking. What’s on your mind?”
“I’m not sorry we made love,” she began, meeting his gaze. “It was beautiful, very special. It’s just that when I woke up this morning and you were gone, and there wasn’t a note from you, I felt—well, I though what we’d shared had been nothing more than just a one-night stand to you.”
“Ah, sweet Nataleigh.” He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. She encircled his waist with her arms and rested her head on his chest. “I didn’t take our lovemaking lightly, believe me. It was very beautiful and special for me, too.” She tilted her head back to look up at him.
“Really?”
He lowered his lips toward hers. “Really,” he whispered, then covered her mouth with his. The kiss was an explosion of heated passion. It instantly fanned glowing embers of desire still lingering from the night before into hot, licking flames that consumed them.
He broke the kiss and eased her away from his aroused body. “We need to talk, Nataleigh. Sit down at the table and I’ll spread out our breakfast.”
She did as instructed.
Keelan opened the cabinets and drawers to find a bowl, plates and knives. The enticing meal was soon on the table between them and their mugs filled with coffee. “Dig in.”
Nataleigh frowned. “What do we need to talk about?”
“Let’s eat first.”
“Why?”
He scowled. “You’re not cooperating. Have a piece of pineapple.”
“How can I eat when you’ve said we need to talk in such an ominous tone of voice?”
“It wasn’t an ominous tone of voice. It was serious, befitting the subject matter.”
“Which is?” Nataleigh asked, leaning toward him and raising her eyebrows.
“We can’t see each other anymore,” he blurted out. “Aw, hell, nice going, Keelan.”
She sank back in her chair, her eyes widening. “You show up here with a romantic breakfast of bagels and fruit, tell me that our lovemaking was as beautiful and special for you as it was for me, then announce that we can’t see each other anymore? It might just be me, but that doesn’t make a bit of sense. No, it most definitely does not.”
He captured on of her hands with his on the top of the table. “Yes it does, Nataleigh. Listen to me, okay? Hear me out. You’ve become very important to me, very quickly and that’s not good. As a matter of fact, it’s very bad. What if we fall in love with each other? Did it ever occur to you what a disaster that would be?
She frowned again. “I would? Why?”
“Nataleigh, come on. You’ve seen where I live. You know what my focus, what my purpose, is. There’s no room in my life for love—for falling in love, marrying, having a wife and family. You deserve a husband, home, babies. I can’t give you any of those things.”
“But—”
“Our being together is dangerous, don’t you understand? What if our emotions run away with our sense of reason? It would lead to heartbrokenness.” She studied him in silence for several heartbeats. When she finally spoke, it wasn’t the words he expected to hear.
“Keelan, there’s something I think you ought to know.”
“What is it?”
“At the football game last night, Germaine and Leena told me that none of the students at Carter understand why you live in the house that you do when you don’t have to. They like and respect you very much, but just can’t get why you stay in that neighborhood.”
“You’re kidding,” he responded, feeling as though he’d been kicked in the stomach.
“No, I’m not. I’m sorry. I know you thought you could relate better to the kids by the living down there, but…I’m sorry, Keelan. It doesn’t have anything to do with us not seeing each other again, I just thought you had the right to know what Germaine and Leena said to me.”
He got to his feet and began to pace around the small kitchen. He rubbed the back of his neck, then shook his head. “I can’t believe this. Why didn’t any of them approach me, say something to me about it?”
“Because they don’t stick their nose in anyone’s business,” she replied, watching him intently. “That’s a direct quote. They think the world of you, Keelan—I can tell that they do. You should feel very proud, very fulfilled, regarding the impact you’ve had on the lives of so many young people all these years.”
“All these years,” he repeated, with a hint of self-disgust. “There I was living the life, talking the talk, walking the walk. Man, what a condescending, patronizing, supercilious jerk I’ve been.”
“Keelan, don’t be so hard on yourself. Your heart and mind were in the right place. You were too close to see it clearly, view it all through the eyes of those students. I have to admit that I wondered why you insisted on living down there, too. You’re continually urging them to stay in school, work hard, provide themselves with
a ticket out of that neighborhood, that lifestyle. They are also smart enough to know you make a decent wage as a teacher. They understandably can’t grasp why you live there when you don’t have to, especially since you encourage them to do everything within their power to be able to leave. They don’t think less of you. They’re just confused by it, that’s all.”
He spun around and looked at her, planting his hands on his hips. “You must be loving this. I was all over your case about selling out, taking a job where pets are spoiled and pampered like rich babies. I also got in a barb or two regarding the fact that you’ve settled for being less than you could be in your chosen profession. You must be having a hard time keeping from laughing out loud as I get my comeuppance.”
She frowned. “I find no pleasure in witnessing your distress, Keelan.”
“No? Well for some reason I find that hard to believe.”
She got to her feet. “Now wait a minute. I’ve heard enough. You’re upset and you’re taking it out on me. I’m just the messenger. What would you have had me do? Keep silent about what Leena and Germaine said to me?”
“Yes!” he nearly yelled. He shook his head and lowered the volume of his voice. “No. No, of course not. Hell, I don’t know. I need some time alone to think this through. I’m going to leave now, but I’ll call you later.”
“Oh?” She folded her arms beneath her breasts. “Is that so? What happened to your declaration that we can’t see each other anymore?”
“Nataleigh, I’m so confused right now that I’m not in a mental position to make a sensible, rational statement about anything.” He closed the distance between them, gripped her shoulders and nearly lifted her off her feet as he kissed her deeply. When he finally released her, Nataleigh almost toppled over. “I’ll call you later,” he mumbled gruffly.
* * * *
Nataleigh watched Keelan stride from the kitchen and a few moments later, she heard the front door close with a bang. She sank into the nearest chair, placed one hand over her chest, waiting for her heart rate to return to a normal tempo after going into overdrive from his departing kiss. That accomplished, she took a bite of the pineapple he’d offered earlier and stared into space.
“How did everything become so complicated?” She sighed and reached for a piece of honey dew melon. Keelan wasn’t the only one who had some serious thinking to do. She needed to get in touch with herself to discover the depth of her growing feelings for him—dangerous growing feelings.
There was also the matter of what happened the previous night with Leena and Germaine. She had been so touched by the fact that she’d been able to step in and help the two teenagers. She could still feel the warmth that had swept through her when Leena expressed her gratitude by giving Nataleigh a heartfelt hug followed by her heartfelt words.
Nataleigh sighed as her fingers grasped a piece of cantaloupe. It had been a very long time since she’d reached out to another human being. She’d been devoting herself to animals and silly birds like Deon. They were safe, didn’t belong to her, couldn’t disappoint her, wouldn’t ask more of her than she was capable of giving.
All her life, it seemed, she had to reach deep within herself to find the positive side when things got tough. When she was anticipating her tenth birthday, she’d stopped everyday on the way home from school to stand next to the bright pink bicycle display in a neighborhood store.
Oh how she wanted that bike. She’d envisioned herself whizzing along the sidewalk, her ponytail flying in the wind, as everyone watched her on her marvelous bright pink bike.
Her birthday had come and there was indeed a bike from her parents. But it was a dingy yellow color, a used one they had scrubbed up, adding a pretty basket on the front. With tears of disappointment burning her eyes, she’d mustered up a beaming smile for her parents and thanked them profusely. They had done the best they could do, she knew that. There just wasn’t enough money for a shiny bright, pink bicycle.
Through the years, there had been clothes from resale shops instead of new outfits for school. She was always self-conscious as she wore what had been the fad in fashion the year before. She’d listened with envy as her friends relayed exciting tales of vacation trips during the summer. The Brown family had gone to the drive-in movies, taking popcorn made in their kitchen at home.
Even her dream of being a veterinarian had fallen just short of total fulfillment as she settled for the degree of Veterinary Technician.
It was no one’s fault, Nataleigh thought, pulling the bowl of fruit closer. Her parents had done the best they could under the circumstances. But she’d grown so tired, so inwardly weary, of continually having to set things right, make them acceptable in her mind. She’d become a pro at trying to find the positive in everything. She knew how to protect herself from the pain of disappointment. She’d even carried her shield into the social arena. She dated men who were not in a position to promise her anything. No promises made meant no dreams to hold fast to, only to have them sift away like sand falling into oblivion through fingers to grasp tightly enough to keep it forever.
So she’d lavished her loving emotions on animals, knowing they’d not ask her to believe in them for more than the moment at hand.
But now?
She nibbled on another piece of pineapple. Now there was Keelan. He could set her aflame with a look. Dissolved her bones with a kiss. He’d introduced her to the world he existed in, and made her feel young, excited and vibrantly alive as she’d cheered on the football team from David W. Carter High School. He’d given her Leena and Germaine, who captured her heart with a hug.
Now there was Keelan.
She deserved a husband, home and babies, he’d said. As those words had tiptoed through her heart, mind and soul, she’d forgotten to keep her protective wall in place. In her vulnerable, exposed state, she’d know how deeply she wanted a family, wanted to love and be loved in return.
Keelan was right. They shouldn’t see each other anymore because Keelan Robinson was, inch by emotional inch, causing her to start to dream. To listen to her heart, instead of her head in regard to him. To see herself possibly having more, so much more, than she now had in her simple existence.
What if we fall in love with each other? Did it ever occur to you what a disaster that would be?
Keelan’s words echoed in her head and she nodded as she blinked away sudden, unwelcomed tears.
“Oh, yes, I understand now what a disaster that would be, Keelan. There was no bright pink bicycle. I just can’t believe there will be a forever-and-ever love for me either.”
She sniffled, then dipped her hand into the bowl of fruit. Looking down, her eyes widened. She had actually eaten an entire bowl of fruit and hadn’t even noticed. Yeah, Keelan was dangerous. Not only was he turning her into an emotional wreck, he was turning her into an emotional eater as well. A very dangerous combination indeed.
Chapter Nine
Keelan drove with no particular destination in mind, finally weaving his way through downtown Dallas until he wound up at the West End. He parked the car, then wondered aimlessly through the multitude of other people. The West End boasted different restaurants and types of entertainment. He made it a point to come through a few times a year to enjoy the festivities, but today was not about enjoying himself. His thoughts were directed inward, oblivious to the scenery he normally found gorgeous.
Finally finding a quiet place to sit, Keelan stared into space, then sighed. He was so tired. The fact that he’d hardly slept the night before, however, wasn’t enough to make him feel so drained, so thoroughly exhausted. His bone deep fatigue, he knew, stemmed from his inner turmoil. There were two enormous issues hammering away his beleaguered brain.
One was Nataleigh Brown.
He’d returned to her apartment that morning to calmly explain why they should no longer see each other. He had, in fact, told her just that. Then he promised he would call her later, before he’d walked out the door. He said it. He meant it. He simply wasn�
�t ready to erase Nataleigh from his life.
“Why?”
Hell if he knew.
Maybe it was tied to the second issue eating at him. The fact that he’d been living in the house not fit to live in near Carter High School for all these years for no justifiable reason. His scaled-down life-style had accomplished nothing more than to cause the students he’d been attempting to relate to shake their heads in confusion. The kids respected and liked him, but considered him certifiably insane for staying in a rundown neighborhood when he possessed a paycheck that was his ticket out.
He dragged his hands down his face, sighed again to question himself about living in that crappy house at the exact same time he’d learned the truth about the students’ reaction to his dedicated sacrifice.
Well, it was obviously time to move to a nice house in another section of town. So be it. Which brought him full circle back to the first problem at hand…Nataleigh.
His rationale for them not continuing their affair, relationship, whatever it was, was shot to hell. He’d informed her that she was aware of his focus, purpose, his dedication to the kids at Carter, as evidenced by his choice of living accommodations. Because of that, he’d told her he couldn’t offer her the husband, home and babies scenario that she most certainly deserved to have.
Now?
He was going to purchase a nicer home in a safer, middle-class neighborhood. His future home would have trees, grass, a yard. Maybe he’d even get a dog. That left a husband and babies missing from what he’d declared he was in no position to offer Nataleigh. Did he want to be a husband? Did he want to be a father? Was he falling in love with her, envisioning her, somewhere in the muddled mess of his mind, as his wife, his partner in life? How did she really feel about him?
He just didn’t know.
He’d been thrown off-balance by Nataleigh’s disclosure of what Leena and Germaine had said. That information itself was enough to attempt to come to grips with. To discover that a firm stand he’d taken for nearly five years had been so off base was very hard to deal with, to say the least. And it was topped off by his own self-doubts about that decision.
Hard to Resist Page 11
