I chuckled over that revelation before I picked up my pen and decided to properly name my daughter by writing my first letter to her.
Dear Lily,
I know you won't have a clue as to what this is about until you're WAY older, but I wanted you to be the first person to hear your name. I said it out loud to you just before I started writing this, but I felt I needed to explain. First of all - congrats on being a girl! Girls rock! Be glad you weren't born a silly boy, because I'm beginning to think they were all born deficient in some way. I'm sure by the time you read this you'll be accustomed to my horrible sense of humor too, so you should get all that, and be laughing, or at least smiling to humor me.
I didn't even have to think about what to name you if you were a girl. I've always known. Well, not always, but since seventh grade anyway. You see, way back then, I spent a very miserable Valentine's Day being the only girl in class who didn't get a single thing delivered to her. No flowers, no cookies, no cards or cute teddy bears. I wasn't exactly beautiful back then with my braces and frizzy hair. Susan Andrews was a fraud that year. I found out two days later that the big bunch of flowers that came for her were actually from her dad, even though she tried to say she had an older high school boyfriend - who didn't actually exist. Still, on that day, I was the official loser (even if she should have been too). When I walked home that afternoon I didn't wait around for my best friend, Kaden, like I normally would have. He was a popular guy, even back then. Instead, I left so that I could sulk alone on the way home. I wanted to get all of my sadness and disappointment out before my mom saw me, because she was just now starting to smile again after my dad - your grandfather - had died. It had been less than a year still, but closing in on that anniversary, so I didn't want her to know I had been crying.
I didn't want Kade to know I was sad either, because he's one of those deficient boys I was talking about, and he would have stupidly asked questions and been clueless about why it was a big deal that I didn't get anything. Well, by the time I took the long way home, moping the whole way, my walk had been twenty minutes longer than it should have been to start with.
“Hey,” I heard him calling to me from my porch. I was still getting used to the changes in his voice then. It seemed like just months ago Kaden's voice sounded more like mine. Then suddenly he was starting to sound like a man instead, aside from the times when he turned red because his voice squeaked, and I laughed at him.
Anyway, there he was, sitting on my porch steps looking almost as sulky as I was. I really didn't understand why, because I had seen him get lots of stuffed animals and cards from secret admirers, and some not so secret, all day long. I guess boys got mad when they got stuff on Valentine's Day. Who knew? “What are you doing here?” I asked him as I walked up thanking my lucky stars that I had wiped my cheeks free of tears one block back.
“You didn't wait for me,” he replied softly. “I was worried.”
“Oh, I just…” I didn't even finish my sentence because Kade stood up just then, and I could see what had been sitting behind him on my porch. There was a little brown stuffed bear with a cute red bowtie that had sweet pink hearts on it, and in it's paws was one of the most beautiful flowers I'd ever seen. My mom told me later that it was a lily, and it's been my favorite flower since. It was all white in the center, but the white bled out at the tips into a purplish-pink color. It made me want to cry, because I didn't think it was possible to get that much perfection into one beautiful thing. Then, Kade's words stopped me dead as he watched me tear up while looking at the flower.
“It reminded me of you,” he all but whispered. Then he walked over to where I stood, still as a statue, and planted a sweet kiss on my cheek before walking away.
I went to bed dreaming about marrying that boy that night, but I'd never tell him that. It wasn't the first time I had dreams about him, and it wouldn't be the last. The next day he told me that he had the bear and flower sitting in his locker all day to give to me at lunch, but then he saw all the other girls struggling with trying to carry their books and flowers and other things all day long. He didn't want me to have to do that so he figured he would wait until the end of the day to give it to me since we walked home together anyway. Yeah, he used stupid boy logic, but he was still trying to be sweet. I dreamed about marrying him again that night too.
Maybe you've put it together by now, heck, I'm sure I've probably told you the story of your name a thousand times over by the time you're old enough to read and appreciate this letter, but that is how you got your name. That boy gave me this one perfect flower that meant the world to me, and later on he also gave me you. How could I not put those two gifts together?
So, Lily Caden Garrett, I'm sure you can guess where the middle name came from. There's no big story there. I only took liberties with the spelling to make it girlier for you. I hope you love your name, as you grow older. I hope you love it as much as I all ready love you. It was so good to see you today. I can't wait to meet you on this side of my belly one day soon.
All my love,
Mommy
I'd love to say I got through that letter without tears, especially after Doc told me that the baby can feel my emotions, but the tears were part happy memory too. Hopefully, that counted for something.
Honestly, it felt good to write out a beautiful memory. My heart squeezed tight in my chest as I explained why I chose my daughter's name, but it was a happy, if slightly bittersweet, kind of squeeze. It was the kind I could live with, and smile about. Those things helped take the sting out of the hurt that he wasn't here with me for this. One day, my daughter would have a million and one stories about how her daddy and I had loved each other in our own ways over the years. I wanted her to know that even though things didn't end up the way I had hoped, with us together, she was still the product of so much love.
When I finally put the journal away I looked up in time to see I needed to get dinner started. Kristin would be coming in sometime soon, and I would have to run out to my one evening class not long after that. As soon as I thought of the little devil roommate of mine, a text came in from her.
KRISTIN - Making anything special for dinner?
ME - I was just thinking about that. Seems like a pasta night to me.
KRISTIN - Perfect. Hey, did you tell Brad and Mal about your news yet? I bet they'd love to come scarf down dinner and share in the happy with you.
ME - I will text now. Not the news though. They have to show to dinner if they want the low down.
KRISTIN - of course they do. They must work for the awesomeness that is your daughter. ;)
Kristin was going to be an amazing aunt when the time came. She all ready loved my little one almost as much as I did. I typed out my message to both guys back to back.
ME (to Brad) - I have news from the land of doctors and sonograms. Pasta at my place in twenty minutes if you want to hear it. :D
ME (to Mal) - I have news about the baby. I also have food. Come hungry in twenty. I will feed you, you can pretend to care, and then I'm off to work. ;)
BRAD - Be there shortly, can't wait to hear! I have some news of my own too. Can't wait to share.
ME - What news?
BRAD - We can exchange news in person. See ya soon.
MAL - Awesome, love free food! ;)
Yes, I spoke to both of those boys in entirely different ways. It didn't mean I cared about either of them any less, but I was definitely growing closer to Brad. I think the fact that he let me fall apart on his shoulder the day Jason ripped my heart out with the news about Kaden never coming back kind of cemented that bond between us.
Chapter Ten
~Kade~
Aug. 2 - My phone buzzed with a call that I really wasn't anticipating considering I was on my way to meet this guy for the first time ever. I picked it up after starting my Jeep. “Hello?”
“Kaden?”
“Yeah, what's up? I was just on my way to the diner to meet you.”
“Oh, sorry
man, I got hung up and wanted to know if we could meet at my apartment first. My roommate needs me to wait around for him for a few more minutes, because his keys seem to have gone missing.”
“Oh, yeah, just text me the address, I guess.”
“Great, you know where the Windham Apartments are?”
I almost choked on air at the name of the apartment complex Sasha lived in. “I actually know them well.”
“Great building 1520, third floor,” a clanging noise came up over the phone, which was good, because it might have kept him from hearing how loudly my heart was hammering in my chest at the moment. “Sorry, dropped the phone. Apartment A, man, on the left just up the stairs.”
The world was out to torture me. Seriously, I was done in by my emotions just then. “Yeah,” I finally managed, “got it.” Sasha and Kristin had lived in the same building, same floor, right across the landing apparently. What a small freaking world. I would definitely have to find out how long my brother had been living next door to my girlfriend, ex-girlfriend, once-upon-a-time best friend, hell I didn't know what to call her anymore, and that caused an ache in my chest that I wasn't prepared to deal with today of all days. I was meeting my brother for the first time. Sure, I'd played with this kid in a sandbox when we were still in diapers, but I didn't remember that shit, and I certainly wasn't aware that he was my brother at the time either.
I just needed to put the Sasha stuff on the back burner long enough to get through this first meeting, and then maybe I'd pump this guy for any information he might have on the girls. A twinge of guilt rippled through my system at the thought that I was once again putting Sasha on the back burner for my fucked up family. Hell, I wanted nothing more than to hunt her down, and tell her how I'd been dying inside without her since I ran off to rescue my mom from her tragic existence. Instead, I was here, pulling up outside of her old apartment. The pain that rolled through my stomach at the fact that she was no longer there, and I had no clue where she'd gone, almost doubled me over.
I took a minute to catch my breath before I hopped out and took the steps two at a time on my way up to the third floor. As soon as I got to the top I started veering right instead of left. The only thing that saved me the embarrassment of checking to see if by some miracle Sasha had come home was the door of the apartment on the left opening. “Hey man, I did say left side, didn't I?” Brad, I assumed, was smiling at me from the other door. Damn if he didn't look a bit like the face I stared at in the mirror all the time too. We probably wouldn't pass for brothers from across a room, but once you got us side by side, there were too many similarities for it not to be true.
“Yeah, you did, sorry. I um,” I pointed over my shoulder at the other door. “It's crazy, because I used to know a couple girls that lived there before.”
He narrowed his eyes briefly, and then smiled at the door over my shoulder. “Yeah, they were great. Always giving with the fresh baked chocolate chip cookies. I miss having them live across the hall.” He patted his obviously toned midsection then. “Probably for the best though. The extra workouts during football season were starting to be brutal.” With that he moved closer and tossed a hand out in my direction. I took it and we shook like the manly men we were before letting go and heading back down the stairs.
“We can hop in the Jeep and go hit up the diner you were talking about if you've got your roommate straightened out now,” I suggest.
“Sounds good. Yeah, I squared Mal away a minute ago. Although, I'm thinking we might need to call a locksmith. One of his girls stole his keys so he wouldn't be able to leave her place this morning.” He chuckled. “He's such a freaking idiot, but I'm more worried that one of the psycho chicks will actually make copies and come try to kill us in our sleep one day.”
I chanced a glance his way to make sure he was joking, but honestly, while he was smiling he also looked a little pale at the thought. “That would not be a good way to go for you since you never reaped any of the benefits before hand.”
He laughed. “Nah, not at all. Especially since I'm a little hung up on someone and haven't even been on the receiving end of benefits in a while,” his admission ended in a sigh. “Probably not the best way to start out our getting to know one another session.”
“It's all good. Hell, I'm in the same boat.” A not so humorous laugh bubbled out of me then. “Actually, my situation is much worse than that.”
“Yeah? How's that?”
“Man, I've been in love with this girl almost my whole life, and through a series of super fucked up miscommunications we managed to keep missing one another and just after we finally found us too.” I shook my head then, “I know that doesn't sound like I'm making much sense, but I think the Fates or the universe, the force, or whatever is out there is seriously fucking with me. There's no way all the shit that happened to separate us could have possibly gone down any smoother. And now, I don't even know how to find her to get her back. She's just gone.” I didn't bother to mention that I was talking about his old neighbor. I wasn't sure I wanted to share that yet, and it was purely fear that kept it all locked up inside. As her neighbor, he'd probably have first hand knowledge if she was with someone new when she moved. I wasn't ready for that cold, hard dose of reality to smack me down yet. I certainly couldn't handle it if he told me she moved in with some other guy.
Get to know my brother today, deal with my issues tomorrow. That sounded like a plan to me. Denial could get me through another day of having lost Sasha, or so I tried to convince myself.
“Well, that sucks man. Seems heartbreak and unrequited loves are both on the menu for pretty much everyone I know these days. Hell, I think my old neighbor, Kristin, had a thing for my roommate. He was too dumb to see it though, and she was too put off by his man whore ways to attempt to do anything about it.”
I would have been shitting bricks had he not mentioned Kristin by name. “That's probably more so his loss than hers,” I muttered, knowing Kristin was a great person. “So, how did you pick this diner we're going to? I was on campus fall semester, and lived in this town for years, but somehow never managed to go in there.”
“Prego took me there a couple weeks ago when she was drowning her disappointment about not finding out the sex of her baby in milkshakes. I think the diner's milkshakes are pretty standard, but she swears they are made of magic.”
“Prego?”
He snickered, “yeah, sorry. My friend, she's about four or five months along now and the name's stuck ever since I found out about her baby on board.”
“Is it yours?” I ask.
“Nah, some douchebag. She's still in love with him, but he ran out on her and never looked back. Fucking tragic if you ask me, because she's this truly amazing girl. She's beyond fucking beautiful. I can't imagine any moron letting go of her, but to do so when she's having your kid?” He shook his head. “I feel for her, man. Since she doesn't have the dude around, I've kind of stepped in as the surrogate man to complain to, I guess. You know my mom's situation.” He shrugged his shoulders at me.
“Of course it probably helps that she's beautiful too, huh?” We both laughed at that. “This wouldn't happen to be the girl you're hung up on, would it?” I smirk, because even the couple glimpses I've caught of his face as he talked about her so reverently were a dead giveaway.
I am pretty sure my brother blushed. He actually blushed before ducking his head and chewing on his bottom lip. “Yeah, well, that would be why things are so complicated. She's broken hearted and not ready to let go of the past. I imagine, being pregnant with his kid kind of makes that suck all the more for her with the whole trying to heal and move on bit.”
“I'm not trying to sound like an asshole or anything, but would you really be willing to do that?”
“Do what?”
“You know, step in with this chick and take over with this other dude's baggage?”
“I'm going to introduce you to her one day, and talking to her for like five minutes will be enough to
make you understand.”
“She's all that, huh?”
“Yeah, but just remember that I was there first.” He winked in my direction as I pulled into the diner.
“No problem there, man. I'm nursing my own broken heart still.”
“Hearing all these sad sack stories, I'm thinking maybe I should stop drinking the water around here.”
I just laughed. “Maybe that's what it is. Bottled water it is from now on.” We walked into the diner and settled into a booth along the windowed wall looking out towards the university campus. “Man, I missed school. Never thought I'd say that shit, but I will be glad to get back to it in a couple weeks.”
“Yeah, I bet. I can't imagine taking a semester off and trying to get in the swing of things again. What's your major anyway?”
“I'm a dual major, actually. Business and art.”
“Is one your fall back?”
“Nah, I am hoping to start a tattoo studio after graduation. I all ready have a lot of the equipment, and hell, I've given half the student body here tattoos over the years. Started with it in high school a bit, and kept right on. The art side is my passion, obviously. I wanted to learn all about being able to run a successful business though; because once I open a studio I want it to fly. Actually, I want to be able to one day open up a chain of them across the country where I can run the business, but be able to travel and go do guest spots in any of the studios I wish.”
“That sounds like a lofty damn goal, man.”
“Yeah, it is, but I refuse to see it as out of my reach, you know. I have plans for the future. My girl has always wanted to travel. She takes these amazing pictures, and I wanted to be able to get her to as many places as possible.” I stop cold at the mention of Sasha again. “That, of course, was before everything went to shit on me. Now, I still have the same goals, just one person short in the original plan.”
Letters to Lily (Letters to... #1) Page 10
