“Well, it will only be around for a few more weeks, really.” I was thinking of how close my due date was now, but suddenly Kade looked sad. “What did I say?”
“No, it's nothing you said, Sash. It's just that I fucking missed it. I missed every damn thing, and it kills me.”
I placed my hand flat on his chest over his heart. “You didn't miss everything. You made it back before she was born. You'll be there for that. It's okay. Take me home, and I'll show you why it's okay.”
With that he simply nodded and we walked out of the house and to his Jeep without saying another word, but his hands never left my body as we moved along. They stayed glued to my hips with me in front of him as we moved through the front door and then as we walked he pulled me tight up against his side as if he was afraid that the moment he let go we wouldn't have any more contact.
I would think him silly for that except it had happened to us before. We took our time together for granted, and then one day it wasn't there anymore. The touches, the smiles, the simple things we forgot to cherish were gone in an instant. I understood now how fragile it all was, and I thanked my lucky damn starts that we were going to get another chance to get it all right.
Chapter Twenty-Six
~Kade~
Nov. 02 - I was almost afraid to drive. My emotions were all over the place; I didn't want to stop touching Sasha, and I had no clue what she wanted to show me. I know whatever it was she meant that it would be a good thing, but after the past few months I still had that niggling worry forcing itself to the forefront of my mind. What if she was showing me a flow chart for how we were going to split up time with the baby? What if she didn't really want to get back together? I could just put myself out of my misery and ask her, but I was too much of a coward. The longer I went without actually knowing, the longer she was mine. Even if I was fooling myself.
When I had leaned in and kissed her earlier I wasn't sure how she would react to it, but she hadn't pushed me away so that had been something. Man, when I felt my baby kick through her stomach though… I lost another piece of my heart to a different girl that day. I'd had a few days now to come to grips with the fact that I was going to be a dad, but I don't think it actually sunk in fully until I felt that. Then, to see the actual imprint of a foot through Sasha's stomach… I can't even describe that feeling. Intense, insane, something I would never forget.
While I pulled into her driveway full of trepidation a few minutes later, I still refused to take my hands off of her for any longer than necessary. Once I tossed my Jeep in park I jumped out and was around the car before she could even get the door opened all the way. I helped her out since she'd have a bit of a jump to get down. If I kept the Jeep I would have to install running boards down there. Then again, I was all ready thinking of better vehicles to trade it on considering I had a baby on the way.
We weren't in the house more than a minute before she pointed to a big brown suede couch with colorful throw pillows all over it. “Go ahead and have a seat. I'm going to pre-heat the oven. We have some pizzas here. It will probably be the easiest thing considering the day we've both had.”
“Sure,” I told her as I sat and waited. I was counting my breaths in and out as she came back into the room. Oddly enough it was something Sasha used to do when she was nervous. I never really had a bad case of nerves in my life until recently, so I didn't really get the whole counting thing, but it seemed to work to keep my heart from hammering out of my chest.
Sasha reached over to her coffee table for what looked like an overly large, decorated photo album. “Kristin and I started making this from the very beginning. We took pictures of the growing bump,” she pointed to her belly then. “Every two weeks like clockwork we've taken a picture. We're supposed to do every week starting next week because I will be 35 weeks then, with only 5 weeks to go.” She opened the scrapbook and the first image hit me like a bag of bricks. It was a picture of a home pregnancy test that clearly stated she was pregnant. I didn't even realize I was moving before my fingers were tracing across the image. I should have been there to see that in person.
In that moment I questioned if I would ever truly be able to forgive my mom for going off the deep end when she did. I took off to help her, and ended up missing this. “You okay?” Sasha asked. I guess she'd been watching me struggle with my emotions for a minute so I told her what I'd just been thinking.
“I know it's hard. All of this is, but your mom couldn't have known. I would be willing to bet money if she had she would have even put your dad on hold so you could both have been here for that.” Her arm swung out behind me and her fingers traced smooth little patterns across my back. I sank into her touch as I turned the page. There, in a flimsy little black and white photo was apparently the first picture ever taken of my little Lily.
I laughed as I traced that image with my fingers too. “I'm almost afraid to ask this, but which little blob is she?”
Sasha laughed with me. “Don't feel bad I had to ask the doctor the same thing.” Then she pointed and circled a tiny little spot in the middle. “I was around 7 weeks there.” I noted the date on the test was a couple days after I had left for Vegas. “I got to hear her heart beat that day,” her whisper is sheer reverence for the memory, and again, I fill with regret for having not been a part of that.
I swallow down the emotion threatening to gobble me up and turn the page. There, in all her midriff baring glory is my Sasha, the way I remember her before I left. She's standing in profile against a wall in her old apartment and there's a sad looking smile on her face. There's nothing to see, but her still flat stomach. The date beneath matches the date of the ultrasound photo I just looked at. On the next page, with a date that shows two weeks later there is another photo of Sasha in profile. This one shows pretty much the same thing. There is one noticeable difference though, and I point it out to her.
“Your boobs and butt are quite a bit bigger in this one,” I'm grinning as I say it and she swats at me playfully.
“Yeah, it was a perk to pregnancy to make up for the fact that I would throw up pretty much anything I attempted to eat for breakfast or lunch.” Her tone is playful, so I know that even though she went through that discomfort she has no regrets about it.
“I would have held your hair for you,” I say, finally giving voice to the longing I have to be able to go back and be there for all of this.
“I know,” she says simply. Those two words mean the world to me, because she really is understanding that our situation was nothing more than a bunch of bad timing and horrible circumstance. There is no way I wouldn't have wanted to be here for any of this, even if I never pictured being a dad at 19. To be honest, the events of the past few months have culminated in me feeling much older than my actual number of years.
As I turned the page the first thing that stood out was that there was a note with the photo. At the top of Sasha's belly pic, where you could actually see her baby bump forming now, were the words Boy or Girl? That made me sit up a little straighter. A note underneath the picture shows the date was June 29. Then there's a little blip written in that says 'see ultrasound pic'.
On the adjacent page is a black and white photo where I can actually make out a head and body. “That's her?” I whisper. I know it came out more like a question, but I'm seeing my baby for the first time where she's recognizable, and I'm blown away. On this page there is also a little handwritten caption underneath. “I'm either a modest girl or a mischievous boy playing hide and seek. Maybe, we'll find out next time.”
“Aw, so you didn't find out when you were supposed to?” I asked, looking up at Sasha. She shook her head with a smile.
“No, she was definitely trying to be modest, but we had a chat. I explained to her that when I went back it would be the one time it was okay to spread her legs and show everyone what she had, or didn't have as was the case.” I laughed at that, and then leaned over towards Sasha's belly.
“I agree, no more showing off yo
ur goodies to anyone until you're… well, never. Let's go with never.” Sasha laughed and stood up as the oven beeped in the kitchen. I didn't want to continue on without her so I went with her to help get us some dinner together instead. This was not, by far, the first time Sasha and I had made some pizza together at home, but suddenly it seemed like a momentous occasion. I didn't want to ever make pizza anywhere else. I didn't ever want to have to leave her side again. I just wasn't sure I could express that to her just yet.
We ended up staying in the kitchen while the pizza baked, catching up on what classes we were both taking, and what we'd been up to outside of our heartache and other people being in our lives. She told me about her mom signing over the trust from when her dad died so she could buy this house. I looked around again, and smiled. “You did good, Sash. It's a nice place, and its very you.” As we sat at the dining table to eat our pizza I glanced up at the wall and saw one of Sasha's photos blown up into a large framed print. “I remember that day,” I said as I took in the waterfall and the trees she liked with the pretty flowers on them. “We got lost in order for you to get that photo,” I laughed.
“Yeah, but then you found us.” The larger meaning in her words wasn't lost on me. I reached over and took hold of the hand she wasn't currently using to stuff her face with pizza.
I love you. Those were the words sitting on the tip of my tongue as I watched her. How was it that I had to feel awkward about speaking them out loud? Instead, I squeezed her hand a little tighter before I let go and finished eating my own food. She gave me an understanding glance and ate in a comfortable silence until we were both full. After cleaning up, washing our hands, and grabbing some drinks we headed back to the couch and tucked in with her book again going through the images, as Sasha grew larger. I'd all ready seen a picture of the ultrasound revealing our baby as a girl, because there was one in Sasha's journal. This one actually had an arrow pointing to her lack of a penis. The caption underneath read, “Look Ma, no penis!”
I laughed out loud at that one. “Kristin's doing?” I questioned.
“Of course,” she answered with a smile.
Eventually we got through the book and Sasha reminded me that my mother still wanted a chance to apologize to both of us for her part in our temporary separation. I called my mom, gave her the address, and she made her way to the house. While I had been busy doing that I noticed Sasha had been plugging away at text messages on her phone. When she caught me looking she smiled sheepishly. “Everyone wanted to know if we were doing okay.” I glanced down at my phone where the only messages were from my mom and I'm not sure how I felt about that.
“Brad asked how we were both doing, but he wasn't sure what to say to you without you taking things wrong, considering the situation,” she managed to get out. I just nodded.
“I get it.” The truly amazing thing was that she got the fact that I had realized certain people were texting her and not me. I wasn't entirely bothered. I understood in a way, but it was weird to know I wasn't the one my own brother was most concerned about. There were several different levels of crap I had to dig through about that.
“Brad and Kristin are out together with Mal. She said she's just going to crash at their place tonight to give us some space.”
Now that sounded promising, but I didn't want to get my hopes up too high. Not that I wanted to jump right into bed and have sex with my very pregnant… hell, I didn't even know what to call her anymore. Girlfriend? Ex-girlfriend? Best friend? My Sasha. My sweet girl. At any rate, sex might not be on the agenda, but I would give anything to just hold her through the night. To be able to wrap my arms around her belly, and tuck her into me… My thoughts were intruded upon by a knock on the door.
As soon as Sasha opened the door my mom's hand moved to her mouth in an act that was probably supposed to suppress her gasp. It didn't. “I know I saw you earlier when we both pulled up to the house at the same time, but I just can't get over seeing you like this.” Her eyes trailed down to Sasha's belly.
“Come on in, Helen.” Sasha stepped aside and swept her hand out before her in invitation. I also moved back out of the way so my mom could pass. Sasha had spoken to me earlier about needing to forgive my mom, and while I wanted to be able to do that I still wasn't sure it was possible. I didn't want to hang on to the resentment, but every time something I had missed was thrown in my face I couldn't help that my brain went there. 'If not for her bullshit theatrics and love for a man who didn't deserve it, I would have been there.' That thought was ever present in my mind.
As soon as my mom sat down on the couch she spotted the scrapbook that Sasha and I had just looked through. She knew exactly what it was, and probably had an inclination of what it contained, but she didn't dare reach for it. Something told me my mom didn't feel she deserved the right to look. Sasha must have thought the same, because it was evident when she spoke.
“It's okay if you want to look through it. Kade and I just did.” Sasha was definitely a better person than I was. “Helen,” my mom touched the book, but pulled her fingers back as if she had been burned when Sasha spoke her name. Her hazel eyes, so unlike my own unique coloring sprang up to meet Sasha's warm brown ones. “Before you get around to what you have to say to me, to us, I had something I wanted to say to you.” There was fear simmering below the surface of my mother; I could see it coming through in the way her hands began to shake.
Sasha just smiled at her then and simply said, “let it go.” I think her words stunned us into a ridiculously long silence. When it was clear no one else was going to speak Sasha made her slow way into a comfy looking chair in the corner of the room and continued on. “We've talked about our own timelines,” she started out softly. “All of the things that went wrong and got lost in the most impossible ways have been discussed. We've all lost time, cried it out, and been strung through the ringer more often than I think any of us care to admit. The thing is, it doesn't do any of us,” Sasha turned from my mother to me then, “any good to dwell there. Believe me, it takes a lot for me to say that, and will probably take even more time to put it to action. Not because I'm busy blaming anyone for any part of this,” she grumbled something about accept for Jason there at the end. “The hard part for me is thinking about the moments lost, not why they were. That's the part I have to reconcile myself with. I don't know what it is that each of you needs to come to grips with in all this. I do know that harboring resentment of any kind will just keep those wounds open even longer.” She smiled at each of us then.
“So, Helen, I forgive you for whatever you think your part was in all of this, and if it's in my power to do so, I absolve you of the guilt you feel. You made choices that had you following your heart, even if your heart was a dirty liar to you in this case.” She winked. “The thing is, Kaden followed his heart too. I will never, can never, fault either of you for that. If not for that rat bastard Jason, who I can and do fault, I would have known what was going on. My phone and e-mail would have never changed; Kade's wouldn't have either. That is where the only fault in this whole thing lies. I promise you, had I known that's where Kade was; I probably would have made my way there to be by both of your sides through your troubles. So, don't put the weight of everything that went wrong on your shoulders, either of you. It won't do any of us any good. This baby is coming soon and she's going to need both of you to be present in her life. That is the only thing that matters to me right now.”
Speechless. This amazing woman left me completely speechless, and looking at my mom through a new set of eyes. Ones that couldn't blame her, because Sasha was right about every damn thing she just said. I leaned over and picked up my mom's hand to place a kiss on the top of her boney knuckles. Her sniffles were growing louder by the minute, and I couldn't take it any longer. I'd definitely punished her enough, more than I ever should have. I reached around her shoulders and pulled her into my side where she snuggled in and let herself go for a minute.
Sasha stood and left the room only to
come back a few minutes later with a box of tissues. I smirked in her direction. “Now you have tissues. Too bad for my shirt that you couldn't find them earlier.” I winked as I said it, and she laughed lightly. Just that small sound was a balm on my heavy soul.
Chapter Twenty-seven
~Sasha~
Nov. 02 - I suppose I beat Helen to the punch with whatever she had to say, because afterwards, once her tears were dried, she simply said, “thank you,” and left it at that. We went through my pregnancy scrapbook with her. The amazing thing was seeing Kade get choked up all over again as we did. Helen didn't stay long. She had meant what she said, in that she just wanted a chance to apologize. I simply told her it was never necessary to begin with, and it wasn't.
As soon as she was gone I felt the weight of the day settle into my bones. I was beyond tired, and ready to just call it quits, but I didn't. I knew the reason I kept stalling. Kade was here, and I wasn't sure I would be able to stand seeing him go. I was just about to ask him if he would like to stay when my phone buzzed with an incoming call.
“Hey,” I said to Kristin as soon as I picked up.
“I'm not interrupting anything am I?” Kris was good at hiding things, but I could still hear the emotion in her voice.
“No, you're not. What's up, Kris?”
“Mal is with someone,” she whined. I could hear music in the background, but it was muffled. I suspected she was in a bar bathroom.
“Mal is always with someone, you know this.”
Letters to Lily (Letters to... #1) Page 23
