Mackenzie couldn’t explain why the air suddenly became lighter when his truck pulled out of the driveway, but she found herself taking cleansing breaths for a moment before reminding herself that her friend was in crisis. Filled teacups in hand, she turned to Sabrina.
“Sweetie, what’s wrong?” She led Sabrina to the chair and had her sit, then took the chair across from her.
Mackenzie grasped Sabrina’s hand until Sabrina had to pull away to blow her nose into her napkin.
“He’s just such an ass. I work my ass off every fucking day, and all he does is sit on that couch. The couch I just bought last year, mind you. And can I tell you that it already has a sagging spot where his ass sits all day?”
Mackenzie frowned as Sabrina’s ire displayed itself in flailing hands and flood-inducing tears.
“And to pounce on me as soon as I come in after an overnight? Jesus. We haven’t had sex in eighteen months, and suddenly he thinks I’m there to fulfill that need, too? Fuck him. Fuck his stupid ass depression. Fuck his unwillingness to get himself help even when he sees how fucking miserable I am. Fuck. Him.”
“What did you do when he tried?”
“I pushed his ass back onto his spot on the couch. It’ll be another week before he bothers to get up again.”
Sabrina burst into maniacal laughter, and Mackenzie followed suit.
“It’s insulting, you know? I pay the bills. I cook the meals. I make the appointments. And he can’t bother to get his ass to therapy or to take the pills the doctor prescribes. He watches as the walls crumble around him while I’m left struggling to hold them up. And then to expect sex on top of it? Sorry, but if he can summon enough energy to fornicate, he can summon enough energy to get a damn job.”
“Sweetie, why don’t you ask him to leave? You’ve been saying for a long time that you aren’t in love with him anymore.”
Sabrina sighed.
“I ask myself that every single damned day. I work with the mentally ill, so I know a lot of it is out of his control. But he doesn’t even bother trying—that’s the worst part.” Sabrina sighed loudly, blew the bangs out of her eyes, and lamented, “He doesn’t have anyone else.”
Sabrina sipped her tea while Mackenzie struggled to come up with words.
“Enough of that. I’m sure you’re sick of hearing me bitch about him and not doing anything about it.”
“No! Not at all. I understand your situation.”
“Wish I did.” Sabrina released a self-deprecating half-chuckle and added an extra heap of sugar to her cup. “Don’t judge me. I’m self-medicating.”
Mackenzie reached across and added a couple of spoonfuls to her own cup.
“I’ll join you in that.”
“Oh, what do you have to complain about? That man is hot, sticky-sweet, and crazy for you. I don’t even want to hear about how great the sex is—you were both fucking glowing. Don’t think I didn’t notice in spite of my wild emotional insanity. You know, I can’t even remember the last time I had languid Saturday morning sex. Forget what I said—tell me all about it.”
Mackenzie smiled over her excessively-sugared peppermint tea. Her life did seem pretty perfect, especially compared to Sabrina’s. No way in hell would she voice any stupid concerns. She shouldn’t even have any, for crying out loud.
Besides, they had been having sex more or less nonstop. And it was amazing every time. Especially since it kept them from having to do too much talking.
“Uh oh. Please don’t tell me our plan isn’t working.”
“Your advice was perfect, Sabrina. We had a rough start, but things are back to normal.”
Normal.
The word stuck to the roof of her mouth. The longer it remained cemented there, the sharper it became. Like stalactites in a cave, the word dripped and hardened, making it difficult to breathe past the shards.
Normal.
What was so bad about normal?
“You can’t hide things from the psych nurse, Mrs. O’Brien. Speak up before he gets back.”
Unwanted and unexpected tears gathered in Mackenzie’s eyes before she could fight them off.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Everything is good. Really.”
“Your eyes tell a different story.”
Mackenzie downed the cup of tea, savoring the sweet and icy peppermint aftertaste.
“I don’t know what’s going on. I mean, everything is amazing. Perfect. I couldn’t ask for more.”
“And yet…”
“And yet things have gone back to normal. The things that made me run away before are still issues.”
Sabrina nodded sagely.
“You haven’t talked about the babies?”
Mackenzie shook her head and sniffled, staring at the tea leaves on the bottom of her cup. If only they would tell her what to do. How to manage her life. Her emotions. Her relationship.
“There hasn’t been a good time.”
“Yeah, I imagine. With all that hot sex you’re having.”
The corner of Mackenzie’s lips drew upward the slightest bit as she relished the tingle in her belly that thoughts of sex with Gabe always provoked.
“You’ve got to talk to him, Mackenzie. This is a huge issue. You have to make sure you’re on the same page.”
Mackenzie wiped her tears away.
“You’re right. I know you’re right. It’s just…”
“You’re afraid to lose him again. I get it.”
“I’m the stupidest woman in the world.”
“Maybe,” Sabrina joked. “But you’re also the sweetest. The kindest. The most nurturing. And you deserve to be loved fully. And Mackenzie, you deserve to be allowed to process the fertility issues with your husband.”
The tears returned. She was so grateful for Sabrina’s friendship—she was the one person who truly understood everything Mackenzie had gone through. She seemed to be the only one who never judged her for her poor decisions. And she always believed that Mackenzie deserved good things.
Mackenzie wasn’t sure she agreed, but it was really nice to hear every once in a while.
“He packed all the baby stuff away. I haven’t asked him what he did with it.”
Sabrina’s turn to frown.
“Have you looked in the closets?”
Mackenzie shuddered, a ripple of fear coursing through her blood.
“Mackenzie. You’ve got to process this. Let’s go.”
Mackenzie gripped the table edges, watching her knuckles turn white as Sabrina crossed over to her side of the table.
“Jesus, girl. Your face is paler than the sheets in my unit.”
Terror clamped Mackenzie’s jaw shut.
“Okay, okay.” Sabrina sat in the seat closest to Mackenzie. “I’m not going to make you do anything you’re not ready to do.”
With that reassurance, Mackenzie’s fear retreated, leaving her feeling heavy with embarrassment. But relieved.
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t you be sorry, girl. I shouldn’t have tried to push you.”
“No, you’re right. I need to face it. But I think I should face it with Gabe.”
Sabrina’s smile broadened. “Abso-freaking-lutely, my friend. I’m so glad to hear you say that.”
Sabrina cleared the table of the cups in spite of Mackenzie’s objections.
“Sorry to rant and run, but I have eight thousand things to do before the snow hits. I have the night off, so I need to stock up on junk food and magazines so I can hide in my room away from the asshole.”
“We’re getting snow?”
Sabrina rolled her eyes in an overly dramatic fashion. “Too busy having great sex to even bother with watching the weather? You’re making me sick.”
Mackenzie hugged her friend goodbye, cherishing the warmth of having her best friend within hugging distance again after such a long absence. Talking on the phone or via the Internet was great, but it didn’t replace the need for human-to-human contact.
&nb
sp; “Call me if you need to rant some more, ‘kay?”
Sabrina promised she would.
And then she left.
Alone in the house, Mackenzie felt the pull to the very place she had avoided since coming back to Healing Springs.
She stood up.
She sat back down.
She rifled through a magazine, unable to focus on the words or the glossy photos.
She stood up.
She sat back down.
Her heart raced, knowing she needed to do what her mind was telling her she should do. Her heart couldn’t keep up with her mind altering its plan every damned time she started to take action.
She had to go in there before Gabe returned.
She stood up again and walked down the hallway.
As if in a trance, she let herself into the spare room. The nursery.
The walls were still mint green, but the curtains were a generic cream rather than the nursery-themed curtains they had once hung together.
Sabrina’s words played in her head, and she drifted to the walk-in closet. She was met with unlabeled boxes, but her eyes immediately zeroed in on the box with the zoo animals on the top shelf.
Without thinking, she stood on her tiptoes and pulled it down.
Hands shaking, she pulled the cover off.
She ran her fingers over the sweet baby outfit. The pink satin giraffe that Gabe had fallen in love with because he said their baby girl would love the same animals as Mackenzie. The multicolored hearts on the lightweight fabric that they had counted together to see if the hearts came close to representing how much they loved their baby. The soft collar Mackenzie had insisted would be necessary for the comfort of their precious angel when they dressed her to bring her home.
Maybe the mistake had been in calling her their precious angel.
The universe had seen fit to take those words literally.
Mackenzie picked up the tiny little matching hat and held it to her nose, pretending she could smell the baby she had never brought home.
Surprised by her lack of tears, she couldn’t ignore the stabbing in her heart, as if her grief were a little miner picking away at the remnants of what was once vibrant and full of hope.
Under the outfit was the small blanket Mackenzie had crocheted under the guidance of her mother. It was crooked and flawed, but Gabe had grabbed it away from Mackenzie before she could tear out the stitches. He had insisted that this would be the blanket they’d wrap their baby in. That it was made with love and would be her favorite thing.
And when he had joked that when it got ratty from the baby carrying it around everywhere no one would notice the difference, she had pinched him on the chest and he had retaliated by tickle-torturing her until she nearly peed her pants.
And then they had engaged in the greatest make-out session in the history of make-out sessions, which was saying a lot since kissing him had been her favorite thing since their very first kiss.
Mackenzie clutched the blanket to her chest, pretending she could feel the weight of her baby under the zig-zag pattern.
Lost in painful memories, Mackenzie didn’t hear Gabe come home until the front door closed behind him. She hurried to put the pieces back in the box, slipping the cover on and shoving it to the back of the closet at the exact moment that Gabe found her in the room.
“Whatcha doin’?” His voice was strained, but jovial. As if he wondered what state he was about to find her in.
She forced a smile and turned to look up at him, suddenly aware of the ache in her knees from sitting in the same position for so long.
“Just… remembering.”
He ran a hand through his hair and released a breath.
“Come on out. I picked up coffee and pastries from Tiana’s.”
Her stomach turned at the thought, though normally she would have been enticed by the best baked goods in town. He strolled out of the room with a line of almost visible tension trailing behind him.
Dread balled up in her blood, making sticky, tumbling clots that threatened to clog her perpetually bleeding heart.
She straightened her spine and went against her better instincts.
“Gabe!” She called out to him with as much calmness as her nervous self could muster. “Can you come here, please?”
He returned with a pecan braid in hand, raising an eyebrow expectantly.
“I found the box of things. Ariana’s things.”
His eyes hardened along the edges, but the rest of his face seemed neutral to the casual observer.
She wasn’t the casual observer.
“I held the blanket I made for her. I could almost imagine her scent.”
She was proud of herself for not shedding any tears. For not allowing her throat to close up. For being brave and starting the conversation.
“Why would you do that?”
She didn’t know why he responded with such negativity. His words weren’t harsh—his tone was, in fact, light. Concerned, perhaps. As if she were still the fragile glass sculpture that needed protecting.
He had always been her protector.
He somehow thought she still needed his protection.
“I miss her. I miss everything.”
She didn’t realize her hand cradled her nonexistent belly until his gaze drifted there. He looked away quicker than the time it took for her to curb the gesture.
“Come on and have a pastry before I eat them all.” He turned to leave.
Just like that.
“Gabe, can you believe she was so small? That outfit would have been huge on her.”
His shoulders stiffened and he didn’t turn around to face her. She didn’t retreat.
“Do you ever think of her, Gabe?”
When he turned around, his face was a mask. No emotion.
“I prefer to leave the past in the past, Kenzie. I suggest you do the same.”
She clamped her mouth shut and clenched her fists in her lap, despising the tears that formed in her throat and the back of her eyes, tickling her sinuses as if her head would transform into a volcanic explosion at any moment.
He didn’t give her a chance to respond.
He left the room, leaving her to dwell in the pain and misery and emptiness all alone.
Just like before she had left.
Warring with her feelings, she brushed herself off as if she could rid herself of the messiness of the past and joined him in the living room.
He held his arm up and displayed his seductive grin, beckoning her to cuddle into his side. She did as expected, loving his warmth and hating his emotional coldness.
He wasn’t always emotionally cold. Most of the time he was sweet, compassionate, caring.
Maybe it was unfair of her to expect him to talk about something he preferred not to discuss.
That was his process.
And if she needed to be able to talk with him about it? To remember their lost babies? The death of their dreams?
That didn’t matter as much as having him love her like he used to.
She had his love. She could live without filling in the empty spots.
Fifteen minutes later, she pretended she got a text from work when it was really Sabrina texting a lewd meme that was probably intended to make her laugh.
Though he was disappointed, she kissed him goodbye and headed to her job, even though she wasn’t on shift.
Chapter Fourteen
After a grueling but immensely satisfying six hours at the nursing home, Mackenzie was grateful she had come in. The nurses were excited to have an extra set of hands, and most of them especially appreciated her hands, which they said were the most capable of any other non-medical professional they had worked with.
Thoughts of returning to school and getting nursing certification danced through Mackenzie’s head all day. Maybe her dream of having babies wouldn’t come true, but she could nurture. Being a nurse was the most nurturing thing she could imagine.
Mackenzie stacked the last of the
dinner trays she had collected from the room-bound residents and prepared to wheel the stainless steel cart to the elevator to deliver it to the kitchen downstairs. When she looked up, she jumped when she noticed Antoine standing in her way.
“Oh! I’m sorry—I didn’t see you there. Or hear you coming.”
Had she been so lost in her thoughts that her senses had become impaired?
“I startled you.” Antoine had the slightest accent that she couldn’t place. The kind of accent that slipped out when someone was around family who spoke their native language. “My apologies.”
She had to admit that his accent was soothing and familiar.
She held up her hands in surrender.
“That was all me. All my fault. Did you need something?”
“Actually, I was hoping you’d come to my office for a moment.”
She looked at her full cart.
“It won’t take long,” he promised.
“Is everything okay?” Trepidation tickled her insides, making her squirm internally. Had she done something wrong? She thought she had been doing a good job.
A sudden ache pricked her temples, exacerbated by the tight bun she had pulled her hair into. Walking to the office, she released her hair from the elastic band, embarrassed when she caught Antoine staring at her unruly waves.
He closed his door behind him.
“Your hair is… it’s mesmerizing.”
Uncomfortable with his comment and the smile that graced his undeniably handsome face, she stuttered a thank you and stared at the floor.
“My head was bothering me. I just had to loosen it for a moment.”
“By all means, leave it down.”
He reached out to touch it. She flinched. He jerked his hand back.
“That was inappropriate. Apologies.”
She shook her head. “No apology necessary. It’s just hair.”
She tried to laugh, but her stomach dropped out of her, making normal communication impossible. How was a person supposed to communicate with their boss when their stomach had run off screaming?
She was losing it. Totally gone. She’d have to call Sabrina and see if the psych ward had any spare beds. She certainly met the criteria.
Can't Lose Me Page 9
