by Liz Lawler
Vivien hadn’t known when she knocked on the door at eleven o’clock that Tess had already had a busy morning or that she would have an update to give. Vivien took charge immediately and also took ownership of Daniel’s address book, for which Tess was grateful as she hadn’t any energy to give anyone this news.
She could not stop staring at the kitchen floor.
Every time someone crossed it footprints of blood appeared. She was amazed no one else was seeing this. They were getting it on their shoes and tracking his blood all over the room. Leaving pools of red blood in their wake that none of them seemed aware of.
The kitchen had been busy nonstop since Vivien arrived and was filled with the constant sound of the kettle boiling as more people descended and either Vivien or Anne made more tea while their husbands were sent on errands to buy more milk and cake and biscuits to have ready just in case…
Nancy and Stuart Myers had visited without warning but only stayed long enough for Vivien to feed them cake and make them tea, and to tell Tess that Daniel was their adopted son and that he’d inherited a great deal of money from his grandfather when he was twenty-five. When Nancy squeezed her hand goodbye, her eyes had shown sadness at the loss of her son but not raw grief, and Tess knew intuitively it must not have been easy for them to have been his parents.
A pretty policewoman in plain clothes, from British Transport Police, turned up some time after noon and was offered tea by Vivien as soon as the front door opened to her. She’d accepted and then spent half an hour explaining her role to Tess and telling her what to expect. Investigative officers would probably visit and want to talk through the circumstances again. They may request to take away certain items that would help them in their investigation. They may take away a toothbrush or hairbrush. Someone from the coroner’s office would contact her as unexplained deaths were reported to the coroner. They would speak to her about what would happen next, let her know if they were deciding to investigate, and how to go about making funeral arrangements. The woman was a detective constable, and also a trained FLO, Family Liaison Officer, someone for Tess to have direct contact with so that anything not understood could be explained. She left Tess her business card and a pre-emptive booklet to read. Help is at Hand: Support after someone may have died by suicide.
On one of the pages there was a list of organisations she may wish to notify of her husband’s death: Bank, Building Society, Mortgage Provider, Car Insurance, Dentist, Solicitor, Library, and many, many more. After reading them, Tess was left bewildered by all there was to do. Dying meant telling everyone.
At the beginning of the booklet there were paragraphs on what she may be feeling: Despair, Disbelief, Depression, Guilt, Numbness, Pining, Sadness, and Relief…
She read the words under the heading of Relief, and one sentence stood out, which was intended to give comfort to those who felt relief at the ending of their loved one’s suffering: Relief is a natural response after a period of tension and stress…
Fear… is what she felt. Stark fear thrashing at her breast. Anne was watching her too closely, analysing her every expression. Was she behaving as Anne would expect of someone who’d just lost their husband? Was Anne able to see inside her mind? See her husband’s body on the kitchen floor?
‘Tess, can I make you something to eat?’ Vivien asked gently. ‘Maybe some scrambled egg, like I did before, only this time you get to eat it?’ she added with a smile.
Tess rose from the chair, but her legs gave way.
‘Tess, it would be better if you lie down. Let me help you upstairs,’ Vivien said.
Tess saw the imprint of her head on the pillow. His pillow was smooth. He would never lay his head on it again.
‘I don’t want to lie on this bed,’ she said as she lay down.
On the bedside drawers Vivien placed a glass of water. Then she sat down on the edge of the bed.
‘At first I couldn’t bear to leave my daughter’s room. I wanted to be surrounded by the smell of her,’ she said sadly. ‘I didn’t want to be anywhere else in that house but her room. It took months for Mark to persuade me to move back into our bed, and then I changed the whole house round. I stripped it of warmth, I now think.’ She soothed Tess’s brow. ‘It takes time to get over the loss, and the anger, too. I was angry for a long time.’
‘Why anger?’ she asked tearfully, feeling Vivien’s pain.
‘Because I never spotted it until it showed its true face. The cancer had spread throughout her abdomen before I realised it wasn’t just stomach pains or period pains. I was her mother. I should have known it was something more.’
Tess grabbed Vivien’s hand and kissed it. ‘Not your fault,’ she whispered, meaning it. It wasn’t always there to see. Some cancers were buried so deep there was no spotting them or stopping them once they spread. She’d only seen Daniel’s malignant growth when it overtook him and eradicated his goodness. Leaving nothing of him she could heal, as all of him was gone.
Chapter Fifty-One
The next day her home was just as busy. Mark, Ed and Anne must have taken time off from their jobs as they had been in Tess’s home along with Vivien for most of the day, letting in police officers to take Daniel’s laptop and computer away or answering the phone or making tea. Tess listened to Ed talking to Stuart Myers on the phone about funeral arrangements even though the body had yet to be released and Ed relayed to her that they would like to help organise it when the time was right, if that was OK with her. Tess gave her agreement and Ed got back on the phone to the man.
To get away from the noise she went out into the garden to breathe some air. She noticed the black bin by the garage had been moved from its spot. She realised why when she went over to look inside. It was Tuesday yesterday. The bin men had been and collected the rubbish. Her clothes, the money and the train ticket were gone.
Tess listened to the silence. The constant talking had ceased. The constant boiling of the kettle had stopped. She had insisted she was all right to be left alone and, without wishing to offend anyone, would prefer it that way. Daniel’s mobile had been staring at her from beside his kitchen knives for the last hour. Anne and Ed, Vivien and Mark had been there all day yesterday and all day today and not noticed it. She was desperate to hide it and too terrified to turn it on in case it rang with a call from the postcard messenger. Daniel met a man. But that’s all she knew. He hadn’t said where he’d been for all those hours he was missing or how long he was with them. Had this person now gone away? She’d checked the post box after her visitors left, fearful of finding a new message. This person and now this phone were a constant threat to her peace of mind. She would leave this house as soon as she could. She would go back to London, go back to her maiden name so that this person could never contact her again.
When someone knocked on her door at nearly seven, an uneasy feeling began in her stomach. The red-haired officer was back in her house again, along with the pretty female officer. Tess was worried about him being there. She hadn’t forgotten his probing eyes following her on the platform that day.
She led them into the kitchen and invited them to sit down at the table.
She automatically turned on the kettle and then faced them.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said, sounding as exhausted as she looked. ‘I remember your faces from yesterday, but I can’t remember your names.’
‘Pippa,’ the woman announced. ‘And this is Phil Ross.’
Tess gave a slow nod. ‘I’ll remember them now. And I’m Tess.’
Pippa took the lead. ‘Yes, I know,’ she acknowledged with a kind smile. ‘Yesterday was a long and very difficult day for you, which is why I’m here now to talk about anything you wish to have explained again.’
‘The booklet was helpful,’ Tess murmured. ‘I take it my husband will have a post-mortem?’
‘Most likely.’ Pippa nodded. ‘The coroner will decide on the type of examination or whether an inquest needs to be held. The coroner’s office will contact y
ou if it’s decided that your husband’s death needs to be investigated.’
‘You mean if they think it’s not suicide?’ she asked in a quiet tone, fearing the reply.
‘That’s right,’ Pippa replied. ‘When a body is found in such circumstances we have to determine if death is suspicious, unexplained or suicide. In the absence of witnesses we look for things like a letter or his state of mind during that period. We’ve spoken with the medical director of the hospital and understand your husband failed to turn up for an operation which subsequently resulted in a patient dying. With this being recent it sounds as if your husband was under a great deal of pressure. This may have caused him to be unable to cope. It will be for the coroner to determine that. This may take several days or even weeks, I’m afraid, but it is important to establish beyond reasonable doubt how the person came to their death.’
Tess gazed at them blankly and Pippa rose from the table. ‘Why don’t you sit down? Let me make the tea.’
Tess gave a harsh laugh. ‘That’s what we do, isn’t it? Make tea for people when they’ve lost someone. I’ve done it. Made tea for others. Even for parents who have lost children. We make them tea.’
Tess sat down and saw the other officer looking at her. He had kind eyes and she was briefly reminded of Cameron. ‘Thank you for yesterday and for that day on the platform. You were very kind.’
He gave a polite nod and then got to the point of why he was there. ‘As Pippa has said, we are looking into the circumstances leading up to this sad event. May I ask if you’ve found a letter from your husband? I’m sorry to have to ask, but some people don’t like to say as they feel it’s private. Which of course it is, but it does help for the police to know.’
‘No,’ she replied tremulously. ‘I’ve already been asked that yesterday.’
‘What about his mobile?’
Her insides stilled as he held her gaze. ‘I was told it was switched off.’
‘We haven’t found one, I’m afraid. And it is switched off. But we’ve been able to download his data and know when and where it was last used.’
Tess kept her eyes fixed on his face. He was going to tell her it was in her pocket and then tell her about the text message. The one Daniel received to give him the location of where to meet the person who sent the postcard.
‘The last time it was used was Saturday at the golf club. Is it possible he left it here?’
‘I don’t know,’ she said, feeling like she was walking into a trap. Where was the message he would have got? ‘I haven’t seen it.’
‘Would you mind if I look for it?’
‘What difference does it make if you can download his data?’ she asked, beginning to get distressed.
‘Perhaps none.’ He gave a small shrug. ‘But I’d still like to try and find it.’
She made to stand, thankful this was over, but he was not finished talking with her yet. His face showed he felt awkward about asking something.
‘What is it?’ she asked frankly.
His gaze shifted away for a second as if finding this moment difficult. Then he looked straight at her. ‘Forgive me asking, but was anything else concerning your husband, other than this incident at work?’ She went to speak but his hand rose to stop her. ‘I ask because when I saw you that day I noticed the story you told me of how you got burned didn’t quite tally with the one you told your friend. It may be that you told it in a different way because you were in a great deal of pain, so it’s easily done. But then I heard something afterwards and that did cause me concern. For you,’ he softly added.
Tess felt the blood drain from her face. He knew. He knew what she’d tried to do. Her lips began to quiver and her chin started to wobble. She could not move her mouth properly to talk.
‘Take your time and take it easy,’ he said. ‘There’s no rush.’
Tess now understood why he was really there. He wanted to know why she had been standing on the very edge of that platform. They were concerned her husband hadn’t left a letter. They were concerned at not finding his mobile. Was his death connected to his wife’s unhappiness? Had his wife told them the entire truth? Tess would tell them what she believed to be the truth, she would, but not about the postcards and not precisely in the correct order of events.
She was afraid. What she said now could bring an end to her new-found freedom – the end of any point to her life. She’d thought yesterday she’d be arrested, but she’d been given a reprieve because they still didn’t know what she had done. Her unborn baby would never know its mother and she would never know her child. If she got this wrong, she would lose everything. And then she would want nothing more than to be back on that platform edge.
‘He told you what I tried to do?’ she whispered tremulously. ‘The platform man?’
Phil nodded. ‘Yes, he spoke to me after he recognised you. Said that it was an extremely close call which is why he remembered your face so well.’
She slumped forward to bury her face in her hands.
‘When you’re ready and when you’re able,’ he said quietly. ‘Just tell us what you can.’
She raised her head, her face stamped with pain. They were waiting for her to speak. She had one chance to get it right. Slowly, she began.
‘The day that happened I had just discovered my husband had never loved me. We had only just got married and I was no longer loved.’ Tess felt the impact of saying those words out loud and breathed out hard. ‘He was unable to love anyone – including me. That was the message he gave me. Then he told me why. He’d kept a terrible secret from me, one that no one should have to bear. My husband was adopted. I don’t know at what age he discovered this or when he found out the reason. But what I do know is my husband was suffering a personal agony long before this situation at the hospital happened. Having failed to take my life that day I went back home and I witnessed it. My husband was tormented every day of his life.’ Her voice was raw and she needed to pause.
The two officers sat in complete silence as they waited for her to continue.
‘When you leave here today there is a file you may want to take with you. It shows the history of what happened to my husband when he was three years old.’ Tess felt her throat swell as she imagined that three-year-old boy and placed her hand where her baby would grow. Her eyes blurred as she imagined the same fate for her own child.
‘My husband’s father was a murderer. He murdered his wife and attempted to murder his son. Daniel was three years of age. It took three days before his mother’s body was discovered, and for all of that time he lay beside her in her blood. And it happened in this house.’
Through tear-drenched eyes she gazed at them hard. ‘My husband was a brilliant surgeon. If his life ended it is because of what happened to him here, in this house, not because he failed a patient. He was not that kind of man. He would have found a way back from that. His name and reputation is tarnished, please don’t let it be tarnished further by what I give you. It would be unforgiveable. I don’t want his child growing up knowing his father’s history. I want his child only to know the name that will be on the birth certificate. Nothing more. Do you understand?’
Tess could see she had shocked them. Pippa’s eyes were stretched as if keeping her emotions in check. Phil had his eyes locked on her face and he visibly swallowed. He then got up from his chair and said he’d have a look for the phone.
Tess felt her hand taken. Pippa was holding it to offer her comfort.
‘I’m so sorry,’ she said. And then, ‘How far gone are you?’
Tess smiled at her tiredly. ‘I’ve only just found out. And I’m so glad I did. I now have something to live for.’
When the two officers left with her husband’s file, Tess held in her hand what Phil had found. Not her husband’s mobile, but her own from the bookcase in her husband’s study on a shelf below the manila files. Which is where, she told him, she had left it.
Chapter Fifty-Two
In the kitchen she pressed
the power button on the side of her phone and saw it come to life with a full battery. She entered her password and was relieved to see he’d not changed it. She’d received eighteen messages. She opened them and was grieved to see Sara’s name repeated down the screen. Every single one was hers. She must be thinking Tess didn’t care. She would be hurting from getting no reply. Tess clicked on the last message sent four days ago.
Tess, bloody well reply. I know you’re in love, but I’m getting worried not hearing from you! X
Tess stretched her eyes wide to hold back tears. Daniel had lied, and denied her this contact with her closest friend. She composed a message to send back.
I’m so sorry to have alarmed you. I’m well, but please don’t call as not up to talking yet. Have both sad and good news to tell. Daniel took his own life. Really not up to talking about it yet. I’ll contact you when I am. And I’m having a baby, Sara. I’m pregnant. Just knowing you’ll be there when I’m ready gives me comfort. All my love, Tess.
The phone pinged a minute later.
Oh God, I’m so shocked I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry, Tess. Please ring me as soon as you can. I’ll be waiting. Love you, Sara. X
Tess curled her hand around the mobile. He had taken it as part of his plan to control her. No doubt thinking Sara would eventually give up on waiting to hear from her. She would never tell Sara what he did or allow it to define her future. She was going to leave sadness in the past where it belonged.
When the phone in the hallway rang Tess was tempted not to answer it, but it might be the police wanting to ask something else. She was surprised to hear Stella’s voice, having forgotten about the outside world for a while. Stella sounded like she had a heavy cold as her voice sounded clogged.
