by Muse, M. W.
My dad has tried to get me to talk about what’s going on, but I’m worried we’ll just end up in another fight. He wants me to be safe, and now that Mom told him Legacy thinks she’ll be the one to kill me…well, he’s not being very subtle with his attempts at conversation. It’s my life! If I want to be with Legacy, that’s my choice. Like I told her, I’d rather live a short and happy life with her than a long and sad life without her.
December 22
Well, I was wrong about what Dad had wanted to talk to me about. He did want to talk about my life, but he wasn’t trying to keep me from being with Legacy like he had over the summer. He has some new theories about my ascension. Again with the ascension talk. I’m eighteen. I didn’t ascend. Enough already!
Hmmm… She remembered Adin mentioning theories about his skills when she’d asked him about him being fast and strong, but he hadn’t said his dad had theories about his ascension. Why hadn’t Adin ever told her this? She knew he didn’t believe she would ascend at first because he hadn’t, but she didn’t know his dad was still holding out hope.
Then reality slapped her in the face yet again. Her questions didn’t matter anymore. Adin was gone.
December 25
Christmas day. I’ve been writing in this journal for a year now. I never thought I would’ve kept up with it, but looking back over the past year, I see why I did. It looks like I talked about Legacy every time I made an entry. Of course. If I could spend all day, every day talking to her, being with her, I would.
She sent me a text message with a picture of herself wearing the earrings I gave her. I’ve been looking at this picture all day. I’m looking at it now. She literally takes my breath away. It took me a long time to decide how I would respond. I wanted to write something long and sappy, but I decided on something short and sweet. I hope getting a message from me thrilled her as much as it did me getting one from her.
I can’t stay with Dad until school starts again. I don’t care if Legacy is getting involved with River. I’m not going to sit back and let him have her. She didn’t break up with me because she didn’t love me anymore. She broke up with me to save me, because she loves me. As far as I’m concerned, she’s still mine.
Now I just have to find a way to convince her of that before this nightmare with River gets too out of hand.
December 30
I just saw Legacy. She’d been crying, and I know, I know, I know it was because of River. She let it slip that she’s been punishing him, so she told me he betrayed her somehow.
I tried to kiss her, but, damn it, she’s staying strong. I know she missed me while I was away, and her defenses seem to be coming down. I almost feel a reconciliation.
January 1
I dropped in on Legacy last night just before midnight. She was wearing the sexiest nightgown I’d ever seen! It barely covered her, and what was covered was perfectly accentuated! I almost lost my cool when I saw her. Okay, so I did lose my cool, but I think I recovered quickly.
I kissed her last night—first time in over a month. I thought I’d remembered it perfectly, but after experiencing it again, my memories did not do it justice. I tried to just keep it a small kiss at midnight, but as soon as I pulled away, I wanted to do it again. She said something about not kissing again, but when I questioned her about it, she seemed to have forgotten her reasoning. We kissed again, and it was powerful! It led to making out.
But no matter how wonderful it was to be with her like that, the very best part of the night was when she agreed to think about getting back together.
And now she’s coming over today for New Year’s dinner. I can’t wait to see her!
Hope is such a beautiful thing!
January 2
I love my girlfriend. I love my life.
Legacy turned the page, and it was blank. She thumbed through several pages and they were all blank until the page at the back of the book.
There was no date.
Legacy,
If you’re reading this, then that means I’m no longer with you in body, but I will always be a part of you. I couldn’t leave without letting you know you were the very best part of my life. You gave me love and happiness in ways I never dreamed were possible, not because I didn’t believe in those things, but because I never truly knew of them until I fell in love with you.
You are truly the most beautiful soul in this world, and I feel like I am the luckiest man in the universe for having received your love and your heart.
No matter where you are in life, you must carry on without me. I know it will be hard, princess, but it’s what I want. I will be at peace if I know you’re living your life to the fullest.
Oh, and one other thing. I never told you why I loved giving you roses.
It’s your birth flower.
If you see a rose, think of me.
Goodbye, my love.
With all my love, for all eternity,
Adin
Legacy closed the journal and cried. Adin did get to tell her goodbye after all. While she stared at the journal in her lap, she took in a deep breath. As she exhaled, she whispered, “Goodbye.”
Chapter Four
After Adin’s memorial service, Legacy spent the rest of January going through the motions of everyday life. School started back up in a couple of days because she’d finally ceased the snow, but everyone had been giddy at their extended vacation. They wouldn’t be so pleased when summer got here and they were making up those snow days thanks to her depression.
She went to school. She did her homework. She went to River’s basketball games. She tried to move on with her life because that was what Adin wanted. Since she was the one who killed him, she figured she should try to do what he’d asked—it was the least she could do, she’d told herself.
It wasn’t easy.
She talked to her friends. She laughed at their jokes, but the happy emotion that usually accompanied laughter eluded her. And Calli and River could tell, but they never mentioned anything about it. They let her try to move on with her life her own way. She figured they hoped she’d one day find the beauty in life again—in her own time. They were being optimistic, not realistic.
She wore her watch and her earrings every single day. She hated taking them off at night, so she usually didn’t. The only time she felt comfortable not having them on was when she was showering. She also drove Adin’s car everywhere. Under different circumstances, she would love driving his car. It was an awesome ride, but it represented something she didn’t have—something, rather someone, she’d rather have back. The people at school were envious, including the teachers, but those who knew why she was driving it tried their best not to call attention to it. Most failed.
Upon returning to school, she’d discovered why Seth and Kate were not sitting together at Adin’s memorial service and why there seemed to be awkwardness between them. They had just broken up with each other. Well, Seth had broken up with Kate. The story was he was more hurt with Kate’s indifference with him than he’d let on. He knew she didn’t feel about him the way he felt about her, and he just couldn’t take it anymore. He didn’t view Kate as just any regular girl to enjoy his adolescence with. Legacy figured he cared for her deeply, and this breakup was his way of protecting his heart. He just realized she’d never view him the way he did her.
As for love and the unfairness of it all, River seemed to be doing better dealing with the loss of their bond, but he never brought it up with her. He knew she was in mourning, so he was trying to be respectful of her relationship with Adin. A first for him.
But Legacy knew they couldn’t ignore the topic forever. She just wasn’t ready to have that talk with River. It meant picking at wounds—wounds too fresh to be touched, wounds too deep to ever heal. But she needed to broach it soon. He was her best friend, and he was hurting. Even through her haze of despair, she could see that. He’d been absolutely wonderful to her during the last month, and she needed to be there for him too.
&nb
sp; They had another home game today, and River and Calli had stayed after school let out while Legacy had gone home. She avoided casual interactions as much as she could, so on game days, she usually didn’t show up until tipoff.
When she walked in the gym, she got some nachos and a soda before sitting down in the stands with Kate. Now that she and Seth were no longer an item, she didn’t want to sit directly behind the players. From the look in River’s eyes, Legacy could tell he wished she’d still sit by him, but he knew why she didn’t. It wasn’t personal.
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the visiting team take the court at the same time River’s head shot in her direction. She casually looked over while she took a bite of a chip, and then she froze.
It was the team from Pike County. Casey’s team. She’d recognize that ugly purple school color anywhere. Her eyes flashed to River, and he ran up the stands, his coach watching him with irritation since he’d left the team.
“Are you okay?” he asked worriedly.
“I…I’m fine, I guess.” She shrugged. “I didn’t realize…” She looked down at the court in a daze.
“I wasn’t sure if you did or not. You’ve been dealing with so much lately.”
She nodded, not looking at him.
“Kate can take you home if you want to go.”
She could see Kate stiffen beside her. It seemed as if Kate didn’t want to leave the game, but she wasn’t going to say that.
“Don’t be silly, River. I’m fine, really. Besides, Casey is…dead.”
It was easy to forget about his death when Legacy was so fixated on another.
“Okay. Just remember I’m right here if you need me.” He smiled halfheartedly and turned to run down the stands. He encountered Calli coming up to check on Legacy, but he stopped her. They exchanged words while Calli watched her face. Calli nodded at whatever he said and turned to rejoin the cheerleading squad.
“Er, I can take you home if you want to go, Legacy,” Kate said softly.
Legacy looked at her, and she was looking down. With feigned indifference, she took another bite of her nachos. “Nah. I’m here already. Besides, I don’t want to leave Ad—er my car here.”
“All right, but let me know if you change your mind,” she said as she looked back at the court.
Legacy didn’t miss where Kate’s gaze lit. Seth.
“Do you miss him?” Legacy asked softly.
She started at her question and looked at her quickly. “Umm, sure.” She shrugged.
“I’m sorry I haven’t, er, asked you about what happened. I know it’s none of my business, but if you want to talk about it, I’ll listen, though I don’t know how much good I’ll do.”
Kate’s brow furrowed as she shook her head. “It’s okay. I know you’ve gone though a lot. I didn’t expect you to, you know, ask, but thanks.”
Since Kate didn’t take her up on her offer, she dropped the subject. They chatted about inconsequential things throughout the game. During Calli’s break after halftime, she came up to visit, and they all made plans to hang out at Beef’s after the game. From the way the game was going, this wasn’t going to be a celebration hangout. Oak Grove was losing by a large margin, and every attempt their players made to turn the tide failed.
After our brutal loss, everyone hung out, but the mood wasn’t one that fostered a happy time. Legacy was fine with that. Somber feelings were second nature to her now. But Calli’s usual cheerful demeanor seemed to suffocate being around a bunch of downers, so she was ready to go.
They said their goodbyes and hugged before going their separate ways. When Legacy got home, she threw on some cotton shorts and a tank top to sleep in. She considered reading parts of Adin’s journal again—she’d done this many times since the weekend she’d first read it—but she decided against it.
She was downstairs getting some water when she heard a knock on the front door.
“Who is it?” she asked before opening it.
“River.”
She breathed in relief as she opened the door. “Hey.”
“Hi. Can I come in?”
“Yeah.”
She stepped aside and shut the door behind him. “Do you want something to drink? I was just getting some water,” she said as she headed to the kitchen.
“No, I’m straight.”
She got her water while River sat at the kitchen table. When she took a seat, he kept his eyes on her. He looked deep in thought.
“I’m sorry I didn’t remind you about playing Casey’s team tonight. I shouldn’t have assumed that, that you’d…” He shook his head, searching for words.
“It’s all right, River. Honestly, it feels like what happened with Casey…well, that it happened a lifetime ago.”
“I imagine so,” he breathed. “But still, I should have—”
“Don’t give it second thought,” she said as she scooted her chair a little closer to him.
He stared at her without speaking, and she realized Casey wasn’t what he really wanted to talk about. River’s eyes darted back forth, searching hers. Then they stilled. She watched as the whites of his eyes turned red and moisture formed. He blinked, and a tear escaped the brim of his lid and traveled slowly down his face.
She leaned toward him and kissed the tear on his cheek. His breath hitched. “What’s wrong?” she whispered against his skin.
He shook his head, unable to speak. His breath hitched again as he struggled to keep from breaking down in front of her.
Legacy scooted up against him and wrapped her arms around him. He wound his arms around her, burying his face in the crook of her neck. His breathing hitched again as he started crying.
She held him tightly, stroking his hair, but that only seemed to make him more upset instead of soothing him.
“River?”
“I-I’m sorry, baby. I know you don’t need to deal with this right now.”
He could be talking about many things, but she was pretty sure she already knew. She needed clarification, though, before she tried to help him. “This?”
“M-my pain,” he barely whispered.
She sighed as she squeezed him tighter. This conversation couldn’t be put off any longer. “I think we need to talk about what’s happened, River.”
“No.” He pulled away from her and stood up, walking out of the kitchen and toward the door.
She caught up with him before he reached it and slid between him and his exit. “Yes,” she said softly.
“L-Legacy, I can’t. I don’t want to. Y-you have enough to deal with.”
She wished people would stop telling her that. She was well aware of what she’d gone through and what she had to deal with.
She smiled softly at him and took his hand into hers. She walked away from the door, pulling him behind her. He didn’t want to follow, but his thumb brushed the back of her hand as he silently complied. They sat on the couch, staring at each other before she spoke.
“Tell me what you’re feeling.”
His eyes fluttered shut. He shook his head infinitesimally. It wasn’t a refusal to oblige—he was finding strength. “I miss you,” he whispered, his eyes still shut.
They’d seen each other every day, and he’d spent many nights over here. They’d seen each other more over the last month than they ever had.
Yet, she understood exactly what he meant. “I know.”
“I-I loved you so much. You were all I ever thought about. I wanted to, I… I wanted to spend eternity with you. Now that feeling is gone. I feel so empty inside.”
“Me too.” Though she felt empty for a different reason. But the small part of her that was physically attracted to him was gone too.
“I know you’re hurting, Legacy. That’s why I didn’t want to talk about this now.” She reached up and stroked his face. His hand clasped around her arm as he gritted his teeth. “This doesn’t feel the same.”
She half-smiled at him. “I know.”
“But I want it to.” His
tone was agonized. “I want it to feel like it used to. I loved being in love with you. I know you didn’t feel the same way about me. I didn’t care.”
“You know I love Adin. But I can’t deny I had feelings for you too. I would have continued to fight them because I didn’t want them, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t have them. There was a part of me that wanted you too,” she whispered.
River pulled her into a hug, his lips at her ear. “I would have taken any part.”
She held him up against her. “I still love you, you know.”
“I still love you too.”
“You don’t sound very happy about that,” she said with a chuckle.
River shook his head as he pulled away. “I know this is my fault. If I hadn’t brought Venus here, you’d never have skewed from your path. I set this into motion. I deserve to feel this away.” He slid his hands onto her face, staring into her eyes. “You don’t.”
He was talking of the pain she felt from Adin’s death. Pain that was the result of a domino effect created by Venus being here. But she didn’t want to think about her pain. She wanted to help River with his. “You can’t help how you feel now anymore than how you felt before.”
“I just don’t understand!” River stood up and walked to the window, crossing his arms. “I mean, I get what the prophecy said. I get that we won’t be together now. But why did my love—my deep, passionate love—for you disappear? It was like I was under a spell that was broken the moment Adin died.”
“Because it’s not meant to be for us,” she whispered.
River turned around. “No, Legacy. A prophecy isn’t magic. It’s just a possibility of what the future may be if elements align a certain way. Just because the prophecy existed, it didn’t mean our feelings were fabricated. I should feel exactly the same way I felt about you before Adin died.”
