Suddenly, he realized he loved her. And that, he knew, would lead to their deaths.
22 January 1898
Dearest Father,
Do you know that we are all creatures of love? Made of love, existing to express love, and when we die we return to love. It is the truth, and yet as I look at these words I know they convey so little of what I mean. I love. I love all, including you. Most especially you, my father, though when you left me last night you gave me such pain. Such horrible, cutting emptiness.
But I know much more today than I did before. So, despite what has happened, I still honor and revere you as my parent. I love you and always will.
Do you understand that, Father? Nothing you say or do can separate us. I will always love you.
But I will not live with you anymore. I cannot. My future lies in loving and helping a great man. His message is what I have been searching for. Helping him with his work will be my life's work. For we both have the same message, the same goals: to remind all of what we have forgotten. Yes, we are creatures of love, created to express that love, and when we die we return to love. So what shall I fear, my father?
Nothing. Thus, I am leaving you today. I travel to Peking with Zou Tun. We will see the emperor there and help him remember what all have forgotten. I do not know where this path will lead, only that I choose it, and that I walk it with a full heart.
Please love me, Father. And allow me to walk where my heart wills.
In love,
Joanna
People always pursue the outward appearance of things, pursue wholeness and fullness, and because of this they invite contention. We should try to reside in humility and weakness, yielding and retreating. In this way we can attain a realm of noncontention.
—Lao Tzu
Chapter 17
They rode like the wind, covering ground as if Heaven had given their horses wings. Zou Tun watched Joanna for signs of weariness or regret, but she remained a steady companion, neither complaining nor flagging. Truly, she was an amazing woman, and Zou Tun envied her strength.
He, on the other hand, felt his belly tighten with every mile they moved closer to Peking. He found himself eternally listening for his father's men behind him, fretting about the obstacles ahead, and worrying that he would fail Joanna when she most needed him. He knew there was little he could do beyond pushing them with all speed to the emperor's palace in the Forbidden City, but his mind still whirled with the dangers so near.
Even once they arrived in the Forbidden City there would be complications. He had been away a long time. He had no idea how the power now flowed between the emperor and his mother. He knew he must bring his case to the emperor, who had always thought the Western barbarians offered more than his mother acknowledged. But would the dowager empress allow her son to open up the country to more barbarian influence? He had no idea. And taking Joanna into such a politically charged situation was foolhardy at best, suicide at worst.
Joanna tried to soothe him, but he was inconsolable. His only peace came when he wrapped her tightly in his arms, feeling her yin call to his yang. But even that he could not allow, for they both needed rest. There would be no practice until he knew they were safe.
They made it to the capital city in better time than he expected. Joanna's horses were of the best quality, and she was an experienced rider. He wished he could show her the beautiful city in safety. He wished his countrymen could see her for the loving woman she was. But there was no safety for a white person in Peking. In Shanghai the ghost barbarians brought money and commerce; here in the capital, they brought only guns. So he counseled her to remain silent, to keep her face covered and her eyes averted.
She did so without comment, but he could see the pain in her eyes. As he did, she wished for a better world. A place where each man and woman could be who they were. Where every man, woman, and child remembered their heritage as creatures of love.
But that did not exist now. Not here.
They came to the gate of the Forbidden City, nearing the end of their path. For better or for worse. The palace eunuchs recognized him. His father had seen to that long ago. He was allowed to enter. And when they would have forbidden Joanna or killed her where she stood, he stopped them with a single word. They could see his anger, knew his potential power, and so allowed the heresy.
A white woman would be given audience with the emperor because Kang Zou Tun wished it—unheard of! But such was the fear that his family engendered. Or rather, such was the fear that his father engendered.
Zou Tun and Joanna entered, palace eunuchs scrambling to keep pace. Zou Tun held Joanna tightly to his side as they began to cross the city within a city. He could see her eyes were wide, absorbing everything she could. But she spoke Shanghainese, not Mandarin. She would not understand what was said here.
It was probably just as well. The things said of white barbarians would not be complimentary.
They moved through building after building in the Forbidden City—through the Hall of Supreme Harmony, then another courtyard before the Hall of Perfect Harmony. He'd long since noted the irony of the structures' names. There was no harmony in China, no matter what the ancestors called their ancient buildings.
Next came the Hall of Preserving Harmony, and he made a hard left to head toward the emperor's palace. There they were stopped.
Two eunuchs cut off his approach, while more came from the side. He did not remember these men, did not know to whom they pledged allegiance. And inside the Forbidden City, such ignorance could be lethal. There was nothing he could do but tuck Joanna close behind him while eight eunuchs surrounded them.
They remained respectful, of course; courtesy was everything here. But even as they kowtowed before him, they made it clear he had no choice. He would not be seeing the emperor. Another exalted person requested his attendance.
The dowager empress.
"What is it, Zou Tun?" Joanna whispered.
He tried to smile, but she knew him too well.
"Don't lie to me," she said. "Just tell me the truth."
He nodded, even as the eunuchs began ushering them to an entirely different palace—one he had entered only once before.
"The dowager empress wishes to meet us."
He heard her gasp, but he could tell she did not fully understand the situation. Fortunately they were speaking in the Shanghai dialect. The palace eunuchs likely could not understand, though he was sure the empress would have a eunuch to translate. Here, though, he thought it was safe, so he spoke openly, though he kept his words low and quick.
"There are two main powers in China, and most especially in the Forbidden City. Guang Xu is the emperor. He favors modernization, and though he dislikes the barbarians, he understands their superior weapons."
"But we're not going to see him, are we?"
Zou Tun shook his head. "His mother, the Dowager Empress Cixi, hates what her son has grown to understand—that the foreigners have something of value. One cannot blame her. The barbarians have taken everything from her. She wishes most fervently to see all of them expelled from China."
He heard Joanna sigh, her shoulders drooping. "Then we are finished before we have begun. She will side with your father, for he appears to side with her. She will not hear your words." She swallowed. "She might even kill us outright rather than expose her son to my Western presence."
He nodded, startled that she understood so well. Still, it pained him to expose such bloody realities to her. Assassinations, poisonings, and unjust imprisonments were commonplace within Chinese politics. It had appalled him before he ascended to Heaven's Antechamber. Now he utterly reviled such truth.
And yet he had brought Joanna to the very center of Chinese bloodlust.
"Perhaps she will see your goodness and become an ally," he said.
"Or perhaps she will take one look at my ghost face and scream for the executioner."
He had no response. It was indeed a possibility. But before he could speak, she
lifted her head, her eyes stricken.
"No, Zou Tun. Don't listen to me. I have lost my faith. I shouldn't have lied to you, and I have lost Heaven because of it. But you are still there. Hold on to your love, hold on to what we knew. Believe and then I can believe, too."
He frowned at her, trying to understand her words. Her distress was obvious, but he could not entirely comprehend it. All he heard was that she had lied to him and lost Heaven. And yet he saw Heaven in her eyes, felt it in her body. She was as much a creature of light and love as he. And yet she looked so lost.
"Joanna..." he began, only to be cut off. They had arrived at the palace of the dowager empress. The eunuchs were announcing their presence, and Zou Tun could hear only Joanna's last rushed words.
"I love you," she said. "Whatever happens, remember I love you."
He heard her emphasis on the last word, knew it was important, but they were already being presented. The dowager empress would expect a response. So, with a rising sense of frustration, he turned to the woman who had ruled China for two decades while her son grew of age.
She was dressed as was appropriate for a woman in her station, including white face paint, a red-dotted lip, and an elaborate gown sporting the most auspicious embroidered symbols. Her black hair was wrapped around a heavy board to support an array of fresh flowers and painted butterflies. And yet, for all that she dressed in the finest Manchu style, he saw the weariness in her—and the flash of cunning in her eyes.
She was not looking on Joanna with favor.
He dropped into a full kowtow, pleased to see Joanna mimic his action. It would be awkward for them to remain on their knees before the empress during the entire interview, but such was customary. And he knew Joanna would follow his lead, even though it required her to kiss the floor.
The empress spoke, her voice commanding despite her age. "Why do you come into my presence in such a disreputable state? And in such company?"
Zou Tun looked up, seeing the woman's lip curl in disgust as she looked at Joanna. His soul wanted to leap to his lover's defense, to explain to the empress that the barbarians were as much creatures of love and deserving of honor as she. But that was not his place. Nor would it be helpful. So he merely dropped his eyes and spoke an apology.
"My gravest mortification, empress. I had not intended to enter your exalted presence; otherwise I would most certainly have dressed myself to honor your divine beauty."
"To seek the emperor in such a state is even more heinous, Kang Zou Tun. You shame yourself and your father."
"The shame is entirely my own." He swallowed, rapidly reviewing his options. He understood enough of court politics to know that he would not be allowed to see the emperor. Not until the empress was satisfied as to his purpose. He could think of no convenient lie to explain his presence. Especially with Joanna at his side. And besides, he could not form the dishonest phrases. Knowing no other option, and realizing that his appeal to the and foreigner empress was doomed, he began his tale as best he could.
"Indeed, most heavenly empress, I come here fleeing my father." He lifted his head, trying to speak clearly, with all the force of his soul. "He wishes me to rule China, Empress."
Her eyes narrowed. "Do you bring the emperor news of a plot against his life?"
Zou Tun frowned, wondering how to explain. "Plots against an emperor are legion, and a son's loyalty to his father knows no bounds. I could never suggest that my father would so betray his vow to China."
"Such sentiment demonstrates your worthiness as a son."
Zou Tun winced at her words. Indeed, he was anything but a filial son, and his next words proved it. "Empress, if I may speak plainly." He straightened slightly, lifting out of his kowtow. "I have no wish to rule China. I would do it very badly."
She said nothing to him but simply watched, and he felt the presence of her intellect as a physical force. He'd seen the empress be charming and effeminate in the way of all women, especially in the way of concubines to a Qin emperor. But here now was the true woman behind the pretty clothing, the mother of the current ruler, the one who had guided China for so long.
How odd that he felt her power paled beside Joanna's. Not because the empress had any less intelligence or force of personality. Indeed, he thought them equal in that regard. But now, with the gifts of Heaven still in his soul, he could see what others perhaps did not.
The empress was afraid, and Joanna was not. Because Joanna remembered who she was and where her soul would go after her body died. It would go back to the love that had created it, the Heaven that awaited them all. The empress, for all her power, did not remember.
"What do you see when you look at me, Kang Zou Tun?" the empress demanded, oddly seeming to sense his thoughts.
He dropped his head, his forehead once again touching the floor. "The empress of China."
"And?" she prompted.
He straightened his arms, raising himself to look directly at her. "And a woman afraid."
She stiffened, her eyes narrowing. "Are Shaolin monks not afraid?"
He was not surprised she knew of his training. And, since he had determined to tell her all, he lifted his head off the floor. "Not the Shaolin. The Dragon immortals." At her frown, he explained. "It is a form of Taoism. One that I have learned with this woman here." He straightened further, rising up until he was on his knees. "I understand little of court politics, of my father's plans, or the direction of a nation at war." He took a deep breath. "But this thing I do know." He reached out and lifted Joanna, drawing her up to rest on her knees like him. "With this woman, I have entered the Antechamber of Heaven." He paused for a moment, taking the time to invest qi energy into his next words. "I will not give her up, Empress. Even should China fall about my ears because of it."
He heard the startled hiss of the eunuchs surrounding them. He even felt Joanna shift, obviously aware he had said something momentous, even if she could not speak this dialect. But the empress did nothing. She merely stared at him.
They waited there, on their knees before the empress. They waited in silence while the eunuchs shifted impatiently on their feet and the wind rushed unsettled through the trees. But from the empress, Zou Tun, and Joanna, there came no movement.
Finally the empress sighed. She turned to her nearest eunuch. "Where stands General Kang's party?"
The eunuch bowed. "In the city. He will be here within the hour."
Zou Tun flinched. His father was so close?
"And the barbarian men? Led by the birdman, Crane?"
At the mention of her father's name, Joanna canted a quick glance at Zou Tun.
The eunuch answered, "The barbarian is being brought to us. He will arrive sooner, but can be delayed."
The empress nodded, her gaze returning to Zou Tun. "So you have seen Heaven through a ghost woman's thighs," she sneered. But there was doubt in her eyes. And a fear that she was making light of something she should not.
To further her fear, Zou Tun remained silent, neither denying her crude statement nor acknowledging it. And in time, her fear made her speak. "You have seen Heaven?"
He nodded.
"And what did it show you?"
"That we all come from love, were created of love, and are deserving of that love." He spoke the words honestly, without intent to shame or instruct. The effect was startling.
The empress's eyes began to tear. And Zou Tun, a Shaolin monk, knew what the others could not see. This empress, this cold concubine that all reviled as evil or praised as heaven-sent, was merely a woman like every other. And the purity of her yin tears revealed just how deeply she felt the agonies of her position as ruler of an impoverished country.
But when she spoke, her voice was hard and cruel. "And who among us receives what we deserve, be it love or hate?"
He shook his head. "I do not know. But what I have found, I will not relinquish. And what I cannot hold, I have no wish to have."
"No, you cannot rule the country with a barbarian pet. And
I do not wish such perversions to infect the Son of Heaven."
Zou Tun nodded, knowing she referred to her son. And that Zou Tun had just given up his place as an heir to the throne. He would have been relieved, except that most people in this situation were killed as an example to others who would abandon their duty. The empress's next words would be to order his and Joanna's deaths.
To his surprise, she did not. Instead she leaned forward, her eyes narrowing. "Your father's power grows daily. It becomes increasingly difficult to manage unruly generals and misinformed ministers. Your death, Kang Zou Tun, would only strengthen his position." She frowned, slowly rising to her feet. When she spoke next, it was with the weight of her entire nation, her words as official as if they were written on an imperial decree.
"I do not believe you, Kang Zou Tun, about Heaven or this woman. I believe that your father has sent you here to tempt my son into deeper consort with barbarians. In this he was mistaken, because you have come to me and not my son." She moved forward, towering over Joanna, her words like an executioner's ax. "Yes, your father has erred. He has trapped you in the net he meant for my son." She twisted, turning away from Joanna as she would from bad meat. Her gaze fell hard and heavy upon Zou Tun. "You will have this union with this woman now. Or you will die."
Zou Tun meant to leap to his feet with joy—he even surged forward—but the eunuchs were there before him, their hard hands heavy upon his shoulders, blades pressed deep into his back. So he swallowed, using the time to clear his thoughts. "You wish me to marry Joanna Crane? Now?" He fought back his astonishment.
She nodded. "Yes. Now. Where your father will see it. Where the emperor himself will see. And then you will live with your shame before all."
He blinked, at last understanding her logic. Zou Tun's father was a threat to her and her son's power. But no one would support his ascension to the throne if a half-white grandson might one day inherit the empire. So long as Zou Tun remained alive and openly consorting with a white woman, the entire Kang branch could never take the throne.
The Way of the Tigress 1-4 Page 58
