"My uncle came when I was eight," he continued. "The uncle who is a eunuch."
"Did you know why?"
He nodded. "My mother told me the night before. She explained it to me so I wouldn't be afraid."
"But they were going to chop off... to cut off... Of course you were going to be afraid! Who wouldn't be terrified?"
"I was very young, but I was also clever." He didn't sound like that was a good thing, and at last she began to put the clues together.
"What did you do? Were you disowned because you refused?"
He shook his head. "There is no refusal in China, not for a child."
"But—"
"I tricked my older brother Gao Jin into going."
She frowned. Then she stared. "Your older brother—"
"My father's heir. He was given to the Emperor instead of me."
"And being a child, you probably thought that you would step into his position as heir."
He blanched. It was a subtle shift in color, but Charlotte was watching him very closely. Still, he did not hide from her statement. "I was very jealous of my brother," he said, his words flat and somewhat halting. "He had no interest in acupuncture. If anything, he had a cruel streak." His gaze flickered. "He enjoyed sticking the needles in. He especially loved twisting them." He flinched, apparently in memory. "It can be quite painful."
She leaned forward. "He practiced on you, didn't he?" Ken Jin's eyes widened in surprise, and she almost laughed. "It's not a large leap. Many people are jealous of their siblings. Was he much older than you?"
"Barely a year."
"So, he was the great heir. He got to stab his brother over and over and claim he was practicing for his future career."
Ken Jin nodded. "He would have made a poor acupuncturist. I was the younger, but I understood the art. I memorized the qi lines."
"You wanted his place. It's only natural."
"Yes!" But then his eyes clouded, and his body slowly drew in on itself. His chin dipped, his spine curved, and his gaze dropped to the floor. "I was wrong." He sighed. "I was very, very wrong."
"But why?" She leaned forward, daring to touch his leg. "If you ask me, the system is at fault. Of course you were jealous of your brother—all second sons are. And if you had more aptitude, you should have inherited the shop, and your brother..."
"What?" he pressed when her voice faltered. "Did he deserve to have his dragon sliced off because I wanted to be an acupuncturist? Dragon, jade stalk, and dragon pearls—all gone in a single cut!"
She shook her head, startled by his vehemence. "N-no. Of course not. No one should have that happen to them."
He shook his head. "What would you know? You are a barbarian."
"Ken Jin!"
He pushed her hand off his leg. "We are in China, Charlotte, and I am Chinese. My family has always given the second son to the Emperor. And I—in my arrogance—chose to subvert that order."
"You were eight years old!"
"I was a cheat! And everything I have done since that moment has been a lie." He spoke firmly, his voice loud and true. Charlotte could see that he believed what he said, and yet she couldn't understand a word of it.
Pushing to her feet in frustration, she began to pace the room. How odd that she was the one stomping about his room when he sat with complete composure. "How can you be so calm? You were a child who didn't want to be mutilated. That doesn't make you a cheat."
"It was my path whether I knew it or not."
She let her head drop backward and stared at the ceiling. There was no talking to the man. "So, what happened when your family found out?"
"I had a younger brother. He was healthy and more sweet-tempered than either me or my older brother."
She straightened to look at him. "They made him the heir?" she guessed.
He nodded. "I was disowned and thrown out of the house. They hoped I would run to Peking to embrace my true path."
"Well, thank God you didn't."
He shrugged. "My grandmother interfered. She gave me money and directions. She sent me to the Tigress Shi Po."
"At least someone in your family had sense."
He sighed. "She was a foolish old woman. She was wrong, but she erred out of love. I cannot hate her for that."
Charlotte blinked. She couldn't possibly have heard him correctly.
He saw her gaping at him and stood, crossing to her side. "My path has always been in service to the Emperor. It was so ordered the moment I was born a second son."
"But you escaped. You shouldn't—"
"There is no escaping the will of Heaven. Do you not understand that?"
"What 'will'? Tradition isn't the same as a heavenly decree."
He shook his head. "Everything I have done since that moment has been a failure."
She felt a panic begin deep in her belly. "You can't mean that. You've done well for yourself."
"I have done well for the barbarians invading my country."
"We're not invading!" she snapped. "And we're not barbarians! Stop saying that."
"You are unwanted. You use gunboats to enforce your presence, and opium to weaken our will."
She bit her lip. It was true. As much as she pretended otherwise, the Chinese had a legitimate grievance against the whites. Still, she felt her eyes burn with unshed tears. "You can't think that I—"
He touched his finger to her lips, stopping her words. "I think you are the sun in the sky, Miss Charlotte—"
"Char."
"Miss Charlotte," he repeated. "And I believe you are my closest friend."
Moved, she pressed a kiss to his finger. She tried to lean into him. She wanted to kiss him, but he held her away.
"That is why I need you to come with me."
She frowned. "Come with you where?"
"I am going to Peking. I am going to return to the place where I left the Tao—the true path."
She shook her head, horror rising to choke off her breath.
"Yes. Yes, Miss Charlotte, I am going to dedicate myself to the Emperor." She heard the ring of passion in his voice. Determination, but also joy.
"No, Ken Jin. You can't!"
"Yes, Miss Charlotte, I will." His eyes begged her to understand. "It is the only way I can regain what I lost."
"You're going to lose a great deal more!"
He shook his head. "No, I will regain everything. Can't you see that?"
"You're doing penance for something that happened when you were eight!" She was screaming now. She had lost all control, but he was talking about mutilating himself!
He frowned. "What is penance?"
"Hurting yourself. Punishment. Because of what happened—"
"It did not just 'happen,'" he snapped. "I did it. I did it to my brother."
"But he's not going to get his dragon back," she countered. "Doing this won't help him at all."
He growled. He actually growled at her, and his hands gripped her arms tighter. "This is not for my brother's forgiveness. I have already received that."
She pulled up short, surprised. A brother with a mean streak would not easily forgive Ken Jin's crime. After all, Gao Jin had lost his birthright along with the rest. She narrowed her eyes. "What did you do?"
"What?"
"What did you do to gain his forgiveness?"
Ken Jin sighed. It seemed as if the breath came from the depths of his soul, from his very roots. "Please listen to me, Char."
She bit her lip. It was obvious that this meant a great deal to him. She would do her best to understand, if only to ease his pain. "I'm listening," she finally managed.
"I return now to my preordained path. It is not punishment. It is not to seek forgiveness. In order for my life to have meaning, I must walk the right path."
"And that path means... castration?"
"Yes." There was no compromise in his tone, only absolute determination and a kind of weary knowledge. He had not come to this decision lightly ; that much was clear.
"Wha
t about your fiancée?" she asked, knowing she was clutching at straws. "Won't she be upset?"
He shrugged. "I have already given her and her family all my money. That is what they truly wanted."
She felt pieces of the puzzle click into place. "That's why you never have any money. That's why you live in this tiny little place." Other men in his position built grand palaces for themselves. "You've been giving it all to your bride's family."
He nodded. "I was trying to buy my way back to the right path, but that is not possible. I cannot buy—"
"So you're going to become a eunuch? Ken Jin, you just can't!"
"I can," he answered firmly. "I can help the Emperor. I have a great deal of knowledge about the whites. I speak English. They will be most grateful to have me."
"Of course they would," she snapped. "You're a brilliant man."
"I will be a brilliant eunuch."
She twisted out of his arms, then immediately missed his warmth. "But you could die!" She spun around to look at him. "I mean, don't they do this to boys? For men—"
"It will be extremely painful."
She thought it would be a great deal more. "But—"
"Adult men dedicate themselves to the Emperor. The surgeons are quite skilled with the process. Few die."
"Few!"
He shrugged. "Very few."
She felt her knees go weak and kept herself standing by sheer force of will. "No, Ken Jin, you can't." But there was no arguing the point with him. She could see it in his eyes; he was absolutely determined. He truly believed it was the only way to regain his soul. "There has to be another way."
He embraced her then. He held her arms and pressed his lips to her mouth. She tried to deepen the kiss. She tried desperately to reach him in the way they had always related—at least lately—but it didn't work. After a moment, he set her away from him. "I am going to Peking. I would have left already if you had not come."
"But—"
"I am going," he stressed. "And I wish you to go with me."
"What?"
"It will be difficult and unusual," he admitted. A ghost of a smile skated across his lips. "But the surgeons allow a companion during the process, a man's best friend."
She was gaping at him, but pulled herself together enough to try to understand. "You want me to go with you?"
"We will dress you as a coolie and cover your hair. There are ways to keep your identity hidden."
"You mean hide my white skin?"
He nodded. "Yes. There is always money paid to the family. It would be enough for your passage back here, should you choose. I will send a message to Captain Jonas. He often has business in Peking. He could come for you in a few weeks. Or I could introduce you to some whites I know in the capital."
She shook her head. "I don't care about that."
He let his hands slip to hers. "But you should care. You also need to decide your future. I can help you decide it as we travel. And after I am dedicated, there will be money to pay for whatever you wish."
She closed her eyes. This was so bizarre. "You want me to be with you, to hold your hand as they cut off your... As they..." She couldn't even say the words.
"Is that not what best friends do for one another?"
"Maybe best friends talk a person out of his idiocies," she shot back.
"This is no idiocy. It is my true path. I am sure of it."
He believed it. God help her, but he clearly did. And the knowledge brought him peace. She could see that as well.
"I..." What could she say with him looking so earnestly at her? What a great leap forward they had taken today. He'd called her his best friend. He'd shared with her today more than he had shared with anyone ever; she was sure of that. And now, as a reward, she got to sit beside him. She got to hold his hand while some Chinese doctor sliced off his manhood. And she got to sit by his bedside and pray that he survived. What did she say to that?
"Are you sure?" she whispered, already knowing the answer. "Absolutely sure?"
"I have never been more certain of anything." Passion and truth rang in his words. Then his expression softened, and he looked as if he were begging her. "Will you come, Char? Will you help me?"
What could she say except... "Yes."
March 15, 1895
Brother Ken Jin:
You must attend my wedding. Kill your employer, steal his ill-gotten gains, and come prostrate yourself before the Empress as you beg my forgiveness.
You were the clever child, the unfilial one devoid of honor or loyalty. You stole my children and my future. Only you may give it back.
Wen Gao Jin
The Heart
The heart reflex is found only on the left foot.
Supporting the left foot with your right hand, use your left thumb to work the area in horizontal lines. Work on the ball of the foot from the base of the big toe inward to the base of the fourth toe.
The Joy of Reflexology
Ann Gillanders
Chapter 15
"What about your Dragon practice?"
Ken Jin glanced to the side of the small donkey cart and smiled at Charlotte. The late afternoon sun turned her hair to copper, making her look, for a moment, like a bright new coin. Surely that was an omen of success.
He still could not believe she had joined him on this journey—without complaint, without question. It had taken him barely an hour to arrange the last details. Most had been accomplished that morning when he bought this cart and donkey for the journey. It had been a simple matter to spend his last coins on food and coolie clothing for Charlotte. Unfortunately, it soon became clear that she intended to spend the entire journey trying to talk him out of his decision. He didn't mind, though. He liked listening to her voice.
"You have spent years practicing as a Dragon," she pressed. "Do you really want to abandon that completely?"
He shrugged. "A eunuch cannot store or refine his yang. I suppose I could still gather yin in the usual manner, but without my Dragon seat..." He shook his head. "I cannot see a reason."
"But... but..." Her voice sounded tight as she bounced in her seat. Amazing, that after seven hours on this hard board, she could move at all. He himself ached everywhere, from his knees through his arms, and most especially his behind.
"But?" he prompted when she fell silent.
"But we almost made it to Heaven. You have worked so hard. And that last time, I felt it. I felt... you know, everything."
He was silent for a long moment, the twisting of his heart making him hunch in his seat. He didn't want to make his next offer. The very thought was repellent, and yet he would not stop her just because he had chosen another path. "You may have it," he finally said.
"What?"
"My bed, the Dragon chair, all the things I have left in my rooms for practice. They are yours." He forced himself to look her in the eyes. "I sent a message to Captain Jonas before we left. He will meet you in Peking after my dedication. He will take you back to Shanghai if you wish. Then you can collect the bed and my other things. You could continue to practice."
Her mouth opened, but no sound came out. Then she snapped it shut again only to fiddle with her coolie hat. Finally she sighed, her entire body drooping. "I don't want to keep practicing. Not without you."
He felt a surge of happiness at her words, selfish though that was. The idea of her with anyone else infuriated him, but he had no claims to her—as a partner or a friend. The moment the surgery was complete, he would live within the Forbidden City. The outside world would cease to exist for him unless the Emperor decreed otherwise. He and Charlotte would be, in practical terms, dead to one another. And that thought pained him more than any other.
He had not realized how alone he felt until she'd sat on his floor and demanded that he talk to her as a friend. Was it a measure of his deviance that his closest companion was a white woman?
Without a full understanding of why, he reached out for her hand. He did not shift his eyes from the road, but all h
is attention was centered on her—on the smoothness of her skin, on the way she seemed to grip all of him with just her fingers, and how perfect her qi meshed with his. There was no dissonance in their touch, only a simple press of palm to palm, heart to heart.
"I will miss you," he said, startling himself with his words.
"You don't have to, Ken Jin," she urged as her fingers intertwined with his. "Don't—"
"I have made my decision. Do not spend the last of our time together in argument." His voice was toneless, but inside, his heart pounded in his throat and temples. Clearly his qi was vastly out of alignment. "Will you help me tonight?" he asked, once again surprising himself with his question.
She started as well. He felt the slight jerk in her body through her hand. "Of course," she answered. "What... what do you need—"
"I would like you to help me insert the needles."
She flinched again, but he was holding her tightly. He did not release her hand even as she straightened on the hard seat. "Needles?" she asked. "As in acupuncture?"
"Yes. I cannot reach the places on my back. I will need you to—"
"I won't know where to put them," she rushed. "I... I don't want to hurt you."
"There is very little pain, and I can tell you what to do."
She fell silent for a long while. They would have to stop for the night soon, and he kept an eye out for the most likely place. At least the weather remained mild. The cool northern air was a welcome.
"Do all Chinese enjoy pain, or is it just you?"
Her statement was so odd that he thought he hadn't understood. But as he replayed her English words in his head, he knew her statement was exactly as it first appeared—completely bizarre and rather insulting as well.
He stared at her. She stared back. And so they sat for a long, long moment. Normally, she would break first; Charlotte never could remain silent for long. She would make a terrible servant in that regard. But in this case, she simply continued to look, her head tilted to one side as if she were inspecting a rare form of plant or insect. In the end, he was the one who felt compelled to speak, and he did so with a tone of great offense.
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