Ken Jin didn't flinch; Charlotte was watching the two men closely, so she would have seen it. Then she saw her lover grow taller and colder—more authoritative—even as his voice grew softer. "My godson would never act so dishonorably to a guest."
"You don't look like a guest, and he is only a boy."
"Any man, woman, or child who enters this house peaceably—"
"Pah!" The mandarin spat in the courtyard, a few inches away from Ken Jin's feet. "You even speak like a ghost devil. 'Man, woman, or child,'" he mocked. "Why are you here—and with that?"
If he spat at Charlotte, she was ready to leap on his fat, girlish face and claw his piggy eyes out. But he didn't. Clearly she wasn't worth even that much disdain. He didn't even gesture at her.
"I come seeking lodging for the night, brother," Ken Jin ground out. "Before tomorrow's dedication to the Emperor."
The news had palpable impact. Even knowing it already, Charlotte couldn't stop herself from flinching. Gao Jin had a much greater response. His body jerked, and his eyes widened. His mouth even fell open in shock as he stared first at Ken Jin's crotch. Some moments later, the man's thoughts began to churn. Charlotte could see it in the slow shifting expression as his gaze roved over Ken Jin's tattered clothing, lean face, and dirty hands.
"So, the foreign devils have brought you to this. How much money do you owe?" He glanced at the front gate. "Do we bar the door against your creditors?"
"No one chases me, brother, and I have no need of money." Ken Jin's gaze was equally pointed as it wandered over the gold embroidery that adorned his brother's robe. "Indeed, you well know the money I have at my disposal."
Charlotte straightened in surprise. She already knew Ken Jin supported his fiancée's family. Did he support his brother as well? Then she nearly hit herself for her stupidity. Of course Ken Jin supported his brother! Or, more accurately, Ken Jin supported his son, even if the child was a rude little brat.
"We traveled in disguise," continued Ken Jin. "For safety." So forceful was his statement that Charlotte believed him, even knowing that it was a lie.
"Foreign thinking," the brother spat. "Honest Chinese have no need to hide themselves—"
"Are we to stand out here like strangers speaking politics? Or do you invite us in as family?"
Again, Gao Jin pulled back. Apparently he wasn't used to being reprimanded. "Your associations do you no credit," he snarled. Then he frowned. "What is she? A gift to the Emperor? I can tell you that Heaven's son has no perversions such as yours. He will as likely have her killed as—"
"She is no gift!" Finally Ken Jin's temper showed. He even advanced a furious step toward his brother, far enough that Charlotte put out a restraining hand. She had no wish for fisticuffs here.
"Perhaps I should go," she began, though she had no idea where she could possibly go in Peking dressed like this and without money.
"You will stay, Miss Charlotte," Ken Jin said firmly as he stared at his brother. "Stay and be treated as the honored guests we are." Then he let his gaze travel across the expensive carvings adorning the outer courtyard, the ornamental lanterns painted in red and gold, and the hanging tai shan plaque to repel bad fortune. All of it added up to money that no doubt had come from Ken Jin. She sincerely doubted a eunuch had managed to accumulate so much wealth. "Unless my godson wishes to end his relationship with me," Ken Jin drawled. "You have only to say the word—"
"Nonsense! Nonsense!" returned Gao Jin. "Don't be so polite. My son adores you! He was only taken by surprise, is all. Understandable, given your appearance. He is but a child, of course. Come in, come in."
Then he draped one fleshy arm across Ken Jin and steered him up the stairs to the guests' entrance hall. Charlotte had no choice but to trail behind. It felt a little like walking open-eyed into a den of thieves. She half expected some servant to leap out of the shadows and plunge a dagger into Ken Jin's heart—or her own, which was much more likely.
But her only concern was to protect Ken Jin. It was a ridiculous thought. He was more than capable of handling a greedy sycophant. Wealthy First Boys often had to push away hangers-on, women after their money, or simple beggars looking for a handout. She'd seen him gently push aside a dozen or more on any given outing.
Except, of course, Gao Jin was no simple leech. He was a brother. Worse, he was the brother tricked into becoming a eunuch. If Ken Jin had an Achilles' heel, it was right here in this fat, bigoted, pudding-faced devil of a brother. And so Charlotte had no intention of leaving Ken Jin's side, no matter how many social niceties she trampled.
She trailed behind the two men as they crossed into the inner courtyard. She had a quick impression of a rather sad locus tree lost amid a dozen toys. Then Gao Jin snapped his fingers at a maid and spoke in rapid Mandarin, the words flowing much too fast for her to follow. Soon he was bellowing again to his wife and son, snapping his fingers while people scampered all around. Within moments, his son was bowing before Ken Jin, his mulish attitude cowed by his father's fist. The wife hung behind, anxiously fluttering about her child. And then Charlotte felt a nervous tug at her sleeve. She turned to see a frightened maid bowing before her.
"Please come," the girl said in very slow Chinese.
Charlotte smiled and shook her head, trying her best to refuse politely. She wasn't going anywhere without Ken Jin. The maid nodded and bowed more vigorously. Her smile widened with obvious urgency as she gestured to the side. "Please come."
"No, I'm fine here," she said in Chinese.
The woman's eyes widened in shock. Clearly she hadn't thought Charlotte spoke Mandarin, but Ken Jin had been teaching her the dialect along the road. Given her base in Shanghai dialect, Charlotte had become almost fluent.
"I will stay here—" she began, but the maid cut her off.
"Bath. Clothes. Come see." She spoke as if she were tempting a child with treats, but Charlotte just shook her head. As much as she wanted those things, she wasn't about to let them separate her from Ken Jin.
"Yes, you come."
"No, I stay."
"Bath very good."
"I will stay here—"
Ken Jin's voice interrupted her. "Is there a problem, Miss Charlotte?"
Charlotte started, instinctively feeling guilty for drawing attention to the little argument. She opened her mouth to respond, but Gao Jin answered for her.
"She's just feeling anxious about a bath. You know how the ghosts fear water."
"I am not afraid of water," Charlotte snapped, then immediately regretted her unruly tongue. Women did not speak in this culture. Certainly not with that tone, and not to the master of the household.
Fortunately, Ken Jin smiled as if she had just discovered gold. "An excellent suggestion. It has been a long trip. Baths with oil, fresh clothing, and sweet melons while we wait." He grinned at his brother. "You are the most excellent of hosts."
He extended his arm to her in the most courtly of manners. "Please allow me to escort you to our chambers, Miss Charlotte." He glanced at his brother. "You have a most efficient staff. I am sure we will be excellently pleased by our service."
Gao Jin looked like he was not in the least bit pleased, but he forced a smile nonetheless. "You are too polite. Go rest. I will see to everything."
So Ken Jin and Charlotte strolled off to the guest quarters, while behind them Gao Jin started bellowing orders to a frantic and obviously inefficient staff.
Self-Care for Emotional Numbness
With your knees bent and your eyes closed, practice long, deep breathing as you very slowly roll up and down over tennis balls that press into B36, B37, and B38, three spots between the shoulder blades and spine.
Meanwhile, press in slowly and hold CV12 (midway between your navel and the base of your rib cage).
Acupressure for Emotional Healing
Michael Gach, Ph. D., Beth Henning, Diplp, ABT
Chapter 17
"Well that was excruciating."
Ken Jin heard Charlotte's mutter
ed words even though her voice was low and muffled. Odd, that he could, especially since he stood in her bedroom doorway and she had dropped facedown onto her small bed. But then again, he now was so tuned to her that he heard everything about her.
He'd heard her argue with the maid who wanted to take her off to the servants' quarters. He'd listened to the splash of her bathwater and her hiss of disgust at the cheap clothing his brother had given her to wear. And he'd noticed her every shift and stifled curse as she'd held her tongue all through dinner and evening chatter.
In truth, he was quite proud of her restraint. He doubted his brother realized the depths of her hatred of him and his family. Gao Jin likely dismissed her as a ghost barbarian too stupid to understand the petty slights he had inflicted upon her all evening. But she had known. And she'd held her tongue, though it cost her three broken nails and his brother two pairs of chopsticks that she'd snapped in fury.
He stepped into her room. How he cherished her for her self-control. "I am sorry you were subjected to that," he said.
She lifted her head to stare at him. "Me? Pfff." Her hair lifted off her face with the force of her exhalation. "But you, Ken Jin—how can you stand it? He's terrible to you."
She pushed up to a sitting position, and he crossed to her side. "He is a eunuch, Char. I have cost him everything a man wants."
"Horseshit. He's got a wife. He's got a son. You're supporting them. He's got everything, and they don't even have the decency to say thank you." She leaned toward him.
"He is a eunuch. Do you not understand—"
She cursed and rolled her eyes. He was startled enough by her expletive, but then she continued with no restraint at all. "He's got everything, Ken Jin, and you have nothing!"
"He deserved—"
"Nothing! Bloody hell, no one should become a eunuch. No one! But you can't keep paying. You can't..." Her voice trailed off. Then, "Ken Jin?"
He opened his eyes. He hadn't even realized he'd shut them. And once he looked at her, he noticed that she gripped his hands and yet he barely even felt it. His entire body was numb. "Yes, Char?" he asked.
She sighed, her entire body drooping. "At least you didn't call me Miss Charlotte."
He frowned, and she groaned.
"You've gone all formal on me again. It's what you do when you don't want to deal with me. You think I don't know it, but I do. You're tired of this argument and want me to just shut up."
It wasn't a question, but he answered it anyway. "You are my dearest friend." Odd, how the words flowed easily now when a few short weeks ago he couldn't have imagined thinking it, much less saying it aloud.
She moved her hands, but he had to look down to see that she caressed his arm. "I want to help, Ken Jin. I can't stand seeing you like this."
He tilted his head. "I don't understand."
She laughed—a short explosion of sound that had nothing to do with humor. "You do understand, but you've cut yourself off. I watched it happen, you know. I watched all evening while Gao Jin picked at you and insulted you. He offered you the best food like a guest, then pitied your lost years toiling for the barbarians. He waved his finery in front of your nose without acknowledging that you paid for it. I wouldn't be surprised if he spit in the wine he gave you. I know he did mine."
He flinched. "What?"
She waved it away. "I didn't drink it. Didn't eat much either, because I'm sure it was dog meat."
He'd noticed that she hadn't eaten, but thought she was bowing to the custom of women not eating with men. "You saw this?"
She sighed as she stared at him. Never had she appeared more defeated. "I saw. I felt. I cried... for you. Ken Jin, how can you think you owe that man anything? His son spit at you. No, wait. He's your son."
"No, he's not."
"Yes, yes," she said as she pushed to her feet and paced about the small chamber. "I know that legally he's your brother's, but you..." She swallowed, clearly struggling with the concept. "You did the deed on the wedding night."
He shook his head. "No, Char, I didn't."
She stopped moving and stared. "What do you mean? He couldn't have. I mean, if you didn't..."
"She was already pregnant. How do you think such a noble woman could be married to a eunuch anyway? No man would have her. Only a eunuch who wanted a family any way he could. They only needed..."
"A pigeon to pretend to be the natural father. A rich fool who would pay for the boy's food and clothing and anything else the brat wants." She closed her eyes with a groan. "Why do you stand for it? You're the strongest, smartest person I know, and yet you're letting them destroy you. Why?"
He looked at his own hands and tried once again to explain what it meant to be Chinese. "I would not have been accepted back into my family otherwise. They offered me a wife, but she is a child. Even if I married her, she would become part of my family."
"But they disowned you."
He nodded. "Exactly. The girl becomes disowned as well. My name would not be written on the family altar. It is only in return for this act—"
"For pretending to father Gao Jin's son?"
"Yes. Because of that, my name was written on the plaque."
She slowly sank back onto the bed. "So, your name is painted on a piece of wood on an altar somewhere you never go. Is that worth everything you've done? Everything you're giving up?"
"Yes." He said it with total conviction. He said it with the force of an orphan who longs for a family. He said it, and he believed it—except, the word sounded hollow to his ears now.
"If you're going to buy your way into a family, Ken Jin, couldn't you have picked a better one?"
Ken Jin laughed. He couldn't help it. In fact, for the first time since coming to Peking, he felt connected to himself. His entire body and spirit shook with laughter. She joined him, of course. Not at first, but when the tears rolled from his eyes, her giggles began. Soon they both fell backward on the bed and belly laughs echoed through the room.
But eventually the laughter faded. In time, they lay face-to-face on the narrow pallet and felt the slow return to reality.
"I will always love you, Ken Jin," she whispered. "No matter what happens, remember that."
He touched her face. He could feel her now that the numbness was fading. She'd done that for him. She'd recalled him to himself, body and spirit. But did he dare say it?
"I love you as well, Miss Charlotte."
She rolled her eyes, and he laughed again.
"I love you, Char."
"Then, don't do this. Don't go to the Forbidden City tomorrow. We'll find a way to get through. We'll—"
"What?" he interrupted. "An impoverished Chinese and a destitute white woman? What would we do?"
"Love each other?" Her words were barely audible, but hope shone in her eyes. Everything inside him pushed him to agree, to throw aside logic and sense and everything he knew of the world to embrace... what? To embrace her: her goodness, her openness, her light and life and love. What he would give to have her at his side for the rest of his life.
He heard her sigh and felt the heat of her breath burn across his temple. "You're not going to change your mind, are you?" she realized.
He swallowed, barely able to force the words from his throat. "I go to the palace for balance, Char, to return to what should have been."
"Make a new path, Ken Jin. It has been done before. In fact, the Americans created an entire country out of the idea."
He shook his head. "I am not so forward-thinking. I am Chinese, and to a Chinese, family is everything."
She pushed him back. He did not see it coming; all he knew was that one moment they were lying face-to-face on the bed, and the next second he lay flat on his back while she mounted him. Her skirt was too tight to easily accomplish such a thing. The cheap silk scrunched up her legs, then tore as she forced it even farther. In moments, she pressed her naked flesh to the fabric above his straining dragon.
"I will be your family, Ken Jin. We will create a ne
w—"
He silenced her with a kiss. She pressed down as he surged up toward her. But when the kiss was done, when he could no longer sustain the lift of his head or the thrust of his tongue, he reluctantly dropped backward. She knew what he was about to say. He could see the weary acceptance in her eyes, but he had to say it anyway.
"I cannot be free of my family until my brother is no longer a eunuch."
She bit her lip. "It can't be reattached, Ken Jin. You'll owe him for the rest of your life. And he'll suck you dry."
Ken Jin nodded. He knew this, had long since accepted it. "Such is the payment for my crime."
He watched in awe as her eyes began to tear, but she blinked them back. And when she spoke, her voice was strong with determination. "I want us to make love, Ken Jin. I want to have your child."
He gaped. He heard her words, but he could not believe she would offer such a thing. He opened his mouth to argue, but no words came out. All he managed was an incoherent sound of pain and longing.
"Don't even try to talk to me out of it," she warned. "I know what I'm saying." But she couldn't; she never had. Worse, she would regret it in the morning. And yet, such was the desire in his heart that he could not manage the words.
"I know, I know," she continued. "White virgin. Chinese man. They'll think you raped me. But what can they do to you? You'll already be castrated." Her words ended in a hysterical laugh, but she quickly recovered. "No, no, don't argue. I take the risk seriously. To you, to me, to the baby." Her voice broke on the word at the same moment his heart lurched.
A baby. A child from the two of them. How wonderful that would be.
"Think of it, Ken Jin," she continued. "You'd have a family even after... well, even after tomorrow. No one has to know but us. And you'll have a family." She bit her lip as tears dripped one by one on his face. "We'll be your real family, and we'll love you. I'll raise him that way."
He closed his eyes. He couldn't watch the love shining through her, or the hope that made her skin seem to glow. Her entire body pulsed with love for him. He couldn't watch, and yet, he couldn't stop himself. He opened his eyes. He opened all his senses to her. He smelled her scent, touched her heated body, and trembled to the sound of her breath. He wanted her more than he wanted honor, more than he wanted to walk the middle path of the Tao, more, even, than the qi that sustained him. He wanted her and the family she offered. And yet, he could not give her false hope.
The Way of the Tigress 1-4 Page 116
