by Sarah Fine
I pushed him onto his back, desperate to feel his body against mine, eager to let him distract me from my grief, from my torn heart. Ana was right, as always—I had gotten needing and wanting completely mixed up. What I wanted was to fix Nadia, to be her knight in shining armor, or whatever the girly equivalent of that was.
What I needed was to be with Malachi, to let him protect me and know me, and to do the same for him.
But it was too late. I had already committed to my plan. I’d made my decision before I’d ever met him. I would not fail the only friend I’d ever had a second time. Which meant I would have to fail Malachi.
I nearly started crying again, but instead I parted my lips and tasted him, and let that sensation carry me away. He tangled his hands in my hair and groaned. “I don’t think I’ve ever told you how much I love your hair,” he breathed.
I started to laugh. “Are you serious? It’s an out-of-control mess.”
“It’s wild, like you. It fights back, like you do.” He chuckled. “Like you, it cannot be stopped.”
We spent a few moments giggling, chest-to-chest, as he pulled my hair around our faces like a curtain. It was like having a little clubhouse. Members only.
“Does being in here make you want to tell me secrets?” I asked playfully, blinking back tears.
“You know what?” he said as he peered up at me with that killer smile. “Sure. Here’s one: if I hadn’t locked you up in that cell the night we met, I would have kissed you then. I wouldn’t have stopped kissing you. If you’d asked, I’d probably have handed you the keys and let you club me over the head. I’d have thought it worth it just for the chance to kiss you.”
“So why did you stop me?”
“Because I could tell you didn’t really want it. I saw how scared you were. It made me realize how much I wanted you to feel differently about me.”
You have no idea how differently I feel. And how miserable I am to feel this way right now.
I nipped at the underside of his jaw, and he gasped and pressed me closer. I ran my tongue along his neck, and he moaned. He was mine. He would not refuse. “Malachi. Stay with me tonight.”
He froze. He stayed quiet long enough for me to get nervous. But then he said, “Are you sure? I thought—”
“This is what I want. Please, stay with me.” Because tomorrow when you go out on patrol, I am going to the Sanctum. I will be trapped here for years just when you are about to get out.
Malachi slid his hands down my sides and held me tight as I kissed him breathlessly, relentlessly. It all felt out of control, and I wasn’t really ready to do any more than this. I needed more time to get used to the idea of letting another person touch me like that. But time was something I did not have.
His heartbeat pounded against my chest. He looked like he was bracing himself for something. “Lela…you are the most beautiful, stubborn, amazing, frustrating, powerful girl I’ve ever met.” He took a deep breath. “I—”
I pressed my lips to his. I thought I knew what he was going to say, and again, I couldn’t let him. I couldn’t let him to say it and then discover I was gone.
Instead, I would have this last memory with him, because this was all we had left.
THIRTY
AS SOON AS MALACHI left to “attend to some last-minute business,” I was up and pacing. I decided to go check on Nadia to keep myself from going crazy while I waited for him to return to me for the last time. To start our final hours together. He would think it was a beginning. I knew it was the end.
I tiptoed down the halls, weaving my way through the labyrinth of the Station toward Ana’s quarters. As I neared the chamber that housed the holding cells, I heard Malachi’s voice raised in argument. My feet stuttered to a halt. I wondered if I should walk by, if he’d be upset that I was out and about. Then I caught what he was saying and pressed myself against the wall to listen.
“All I’m asking for is a few hours. I don’t think that’s unreasonable.”
Raphael’s cool voice was calm but firm. “You are asking for a great deal more than that. I cannot support you.”
“You don’t understand. She will not allow this. She would never consent.”
“Have you actually talked to her about it?”
Malachi’s bitter laugh echoed off the walls. “You obviously don’t know Lela. She would gut anyone who tried to come between her and Nadia, including me. At this moment, I can promise you that she is planning to sacrifice herself for Nadia. I saw it in her face. I can tell by the way she’s acting. I can tell by what she’s not letting me say.” He sighed and then continued, voice hardened. “I won’t let her do this.”
“Maybe you should take some time to think about this, Malachi. Once it’s done, you can’t undo it.”
“I had hoped Nadia would get better fast enough. That she wouldn’t hold Lela back. But after today I know it’s not going to happen. Nadia is far from ready, and Lela is starving to death. I felt each of her ribs as I touched her just now. She’s pale as a ghost. She’s unsteady on her feet. She’s so strong, but she has run. Out. Of. Time. And she won’t leave without Nadia. Raphael, I warned her. I told her I’d do whatever was necessary.”
“You are so sure about your course of action?”
His voice was ice. “Completely. If you make Lela sleep for a few hours, I can take care of Nadia. Then Lela will be free to go, like she should have been all along.”
What the…Take care of Nadia?
“Malachi, be reasonable, you—”
“When Lela wakes up, take her straight to the Sanctum. I won’t be around. She won’t have to see me. She won’t have to know exactly what I’ve done. Can—”
“You mean you don’t want to face her. Cowardice is not your style, Captain.”
I jumped at the sound of metal slamming on wood. “Can you get her out?” shouted Malachi.
I clamped my hand over my mouth to hold back my scream. I didn’t really have words in my head, only this wall of white noise, a roar that blocked out any intelligent thoughts. He was going to hurt Nadia. He was going to kill her—send her back to the Gates to start over, making it impossible for me to find her. Once again I’d missed all the signs. I’d thought he would help me. I’d thought I could trust him.
“I think you’re doing this wrong.” Raphael still sounded perfectly calm.
“I know what you think, but that’s not what I asked. I asked if you could get her out.”
“Of course I can,” said Raphael dismissively.
Malachi sighed again as his voice gave way to sadness. “Will you make Lela sleep? Just give me a few hours—”
I didn’t wait to hear more. I slipped past the nearly closed door of the holding cell chamber and sprinted down the hall. I kept my hand pressed over my mouth against the shriek of misery trying to wriggle itself free. I didn’t see anyone until I rounded the corner to Ana’s quarters. Rais stood outside, arms folded.
“Another breach,” I panted. “Malachi needs you. He’s gathering a unit. He sent me to watch Nadia so you can go.”
Rais unfolded his arms and squinted down at me. “Run,” I ordered. “He needs every Guard he can get. Wake the others. All are needed. He asked for you specifically.”
Rais puffed out his chest and smiled. “Thank you. Your friend has been quiet and will give no trouble.” He turned and set off at a jog that shook the floor beneath my feet.
I leaned against the wall, trying to catch my breath, preparing myself for what was next. I wrenched open the door. Nadia was curled in a tight ball on Ana’s cot, but she looked up when I barged in.
I ripped the covers off her. “Haul ass, Nadia, it’s time for it all to end. I’m going to give you your wish.”
Nadia blinked at me. “You are?”
“You got it. I understand now. But you have to help me. Can you get up and come with me? I know the place to go.”
Nadia sat up swiftly with a grim look on her face. “Yes.”
I went straight
to Ana’s cabinet and shuffled through her equipment. I spotted my own armor propped against the wall. It took a few frantic minutes, but I managed to get the vest on. I pulled one of Ana’s shirts on over it, not wanting any of the Guards to see it as we left the Station. I put on a belt and clipped a small knife to it, just in case. I tugged on a pair of Ana’s boots. It all smelled like her, so I had to wipe more tears away. I wondered what she would do if she were here. Would she help me? Would she help Malachi kill Nadia? I honestly didn’t know. I didn’t want to know.
Nadia watched me intently. “Where are we going?”
“We’re going to a place where you can get what you want. An end. Don’t you want it to end?”
She narrowed her eyes. “Why are you helping me?”
I shrugged. “Because I love you.”
She tilted her head like she was actually trying to process that. I realized I hadn’t ever told her. Ah, how am I an idiot? Let me count the ways.
I held Nadia’s hand as we ran along the halls. I was completely sure Malachi would be waiting around every corner we turned. He had read me so freaking easily. At any moment he would discover I was gone, and he would come after us.
I hated not having him on my side. And I was terrified of having him as an enemy. I knew he didn’t want to hurt me. He thought he was helping me. But obviously he didn’t understand me at all if killing my best friend was how he wanted to do it.
I would not have another chance to get Nadia out if he caught us. I could only hope Rais was capable of quickly spreading the rumor of another breach. I hoped it would distract Malachi long enough. I ran along the final hallway, heart hammering, and skidded to a stop a few yards from the front entrance, putting my arm up to slow Nadia. “We’re going to stroll out of here, like we’re going for a walk, all right?”
Nadia nodded.
Predictably, Hani emerged from a dark corner just as I got my hand on the front door. “Do you have Malachi’s permission to be taking her out? He dragged her back in a few hours ago.”
I gave him my sweetest smile. “We’ve reached an understanding with Nadia, haven’t we?”
I looked at Nadia, who nodded compliantly. Then I looked back at Hani with a serious face. “Why would you think I’d do anything without Malachi’s permission? We all know what he does when his orders are not obeyed.”
Hani shivered. “Go ahead.”
“Thanks, Hani, enjoy your day,” I said cheerfully as I hustled Nadia out the door and into the street.
“Where are we going?” she asked, obviously doubting my sincerity.
“Just follow me.” I closed my eyes and pictured the view of the city from the top of the tower.
“This way.” I took Nadia’s hand and started running in the direction I’d seen the Sanctum. Even if Malachi hadn’t shown me where it was, I swear I could sense it, like a string tied around my heart, tugging me toward it. Hopefully, that would keep me from getting lost. Maybe, over the next few decades, I’d get to know the city as well as Malachi did. Maybe I’d become as good a Guard as he’d been.
And maybe, just maybe, they’d allow me to have his quarters once he’d been freed. Maybe they’d let me live in that space, dwelling in my memories of him. I wondered how long his scent would linger there. I knew it was stupid to think like that in light of what he had planned to do, but I couldn’t help it.
We’d run at least two dozen blocks when I took a quick left turn between two dilapidated, multistoried town houses. Our feet splashed into what appeared to be wet cement, and I stopped dead as a violent rumbling shook the ground. The giant puddle of thick, gray ooze clutched at my boots and then slithered away, piling upon itself, doubling in size. I backtracked rapidly as an embryonic house grew in front of us. It was no taller than a man, but it was expanding rapidly, blocking our path. Clutching Nadia’s hand, I turned to go back, and ran right into a frizzy-haired woman who was all elbows and cheekbones. She fell over and lay still, never taking her eyes off the pulsing, oozing house.
“I want one of my own,” she chanted to no one in particular.
“Time to reroute, Nadia,” I said, tugging her along a side street. We’d just managed to detour around the proud homeowner and her slimy newborn town house when a Mazikin charged out of the alley to crouch before us, baring his four fangs and hissing.
“You,” Clarence snarled. “I could smell you coming. You killed my family, girl.”
Nadia whimpered and got behind me. Apparently, although she wanted it all to end, death-by-Clarence was not the method of her choosing. I could actually understand that. It didn’t sound good to me, either. I pushed her behind a Dumpster and stepped away from her, wishing I felt a little stronger. And less dizzy. “I didn’t kill your family. Well, maybe one, but he really asked for it.” I widened my stance and scanned the mouth of the alley. “So, are you on your own now?” I might be able to handle one stinky old man, but not if he brought friends.
Clarence growled at me and tensed, preparing to spring. “Sil and the others have already gotten out, stupid girl. We have finally spread beyond these accursed walls. Now the fun begins. I’m on my way to join them. Sil will be happy to hear how badly I damaged you before I left.”
I smiled grimly but groaned inwardly. This was going to be my problem to deal with if I became a Guard. Sil had succeeded. The Mazikin were going to multiply and keep causing trouble—on both sides of the wall. This was only the beginning of the battles I would have to fight. I hoped that once the Judge sentenced me and I belonged in the city, I’d be strong enough to do it.
It looked like I’d have to fight my first battle before then, though. I was tired, woozy, and raging with grief over Malachi’s betrayal—but I hadn’t forgotten what he’d taught me. I rolled my neck on my shoulders. “Come on then, Clarence. Show me those funky teeth up close.”
Clarence obliged and Nadia screamed. He barreled into me, chomping down on my ribs and driving me backward until we slammed into the Dumpster. He came up with nothing but a mouthful of leather. Thank you, Michael.
I raised my elbow and nailed Clarence between the shoulder blades. He threw me to the ground and scuttled out of the way before I could grab him. He ran for Nadia, but I jumped up and kicked his ass—literally. He howled and hit the pavement but got up quickly and ran at me again. This time I stepped sharply to the side, grabbed Clarence’s shoulders, and delivered a knee strike to the face. Clarence was a toothless wonder after the first blow. With the second, he was unconscious.
I stood over him, fingers curled over the knife. I did not want to do this. But I’d made so many mistakes, and I didn’t want to make another. I figured I’d better get used to it. I knelt and did what was necessary. Nadia screamed again. And I felt nothing. Again.
I held out my bloody, shaking hand. “Come on, Nadia. Let’s go.”
We were close. The streets were brighter, and there were more people on the sidewalks. More Guards, too. They watched me with suspicion as I dragged Nadia past, but I knew it was because there were two of us together, not because they recognized me. There was no way Malachi could have notified them of my escape this quickly. For the first time, I was really glad there was so little modern technology in hell.
The dazzling white building was just ahead. I increased my pace. “Nadia, we’re almost there,” I breathed. “It’ll be over soon.”
I hit the steps with wild eagerness and did not see Raphael before I crashed into him. He caught my shoulders in his incredibly warm grasp and held me before him.
“You made it.”
I struggled to pull free. I had made it too far to fail now. “Don’t,” I pleaded. “I know what you were planning, and you can’t. Please. I need to get her in there.”
“I’m not here to stop you,” he said as he released me.
I looked around, expecting Malachi to emerge from some shadow, knives drawn. I wouldn’t let him take Nadia from me. I wouldn’t let him hurt her.
“He’s not here, Lela. Not yet. B
ut you should hurry. I have no doubt he’s on his way.”
I tilted my head and looked at Raphael. Something about him just did not add up. “How did you get here so fast?”
He gave me his brilliant smile. “Come. Your case is being expedited.” He took my arm and steered me up the steps, allowing me to tow Nadia along. A line of people snaked out of the building and down the street. They looked different from the other residents of the city. Alert and aware. Their faces were bright, their skin almost glowing. These people were talking to each other, some deep in conversation, some laughing and shaking hands. They looked excited. They looked hopeful.
I followed Raphael past the crowd. He led me through the enormous, carved wooden doors and into a lobby with high, arched stained-glass windows. Oceans, mountains, angels, and…were those hyenas?
The sun shone through the intricate designs, making a mosaic of the white-marble floor. The sun. It couldn’t be found anywhere else in the city, but here it was vivid and piercing.
Before us was another massive door, this one stretching from the floor to the top of the cathedral ceiling, several dozen feet up. “I know what you’re thinking, and you’re wrong,” said Raphael as we came to a stop at the head of the line.
“Um, I’m wrong and you are just a doctor?” I asked absently, distracted by the magnificence, and general scariness, of these new surroundings. Malachi had been right. This wasn’t like any courthouse I’d ever been in before.
Nadia didn’t seem to notice. She didn’t even look around. She was just waiting. Like a lemming, maybe. Waiting for her turn to jump off the cliff. She looked nothing like the people waiting in line to see the Judge. My heart sank. Even if I could get her released, would she be all right on her own?
“No,” Raphael corrected. “You’re wrong about Malachi.”
I stared at the floor and nodded pathetically. “I know. I was wrong about Malachi. But I understand now.”
