by John O'Bryan
GLADIUS Sometime around the third century BCE, Rome found itself in conflict with . . . well, pretty much everybody. One of the many lands they did battle on was the Iberian peninsula (that’s Spain and Portugal). While the Romans were busy taking a steaming crap all over their newly conquered land, they took note of the Spanish sword. The Gladius Hispaniensis caught the Romans’ eyes. It was sleek, elegant, dual-edged with a savage point. It was reminiscent of the Greek xiphos, which had always been the redheaded stepchild of the Greek armies—a distant second choice behind the Greek spear. But the Romans saw potential in the gladius. They gave it a slightly “waisted” blade, meaning it bulged somewhat in the middle. The subtle distribution of weight toward the tip meant that it could hack like a mofo, almost as well as the nasty Spanish falcata. But while the falcata was a single-edged blade, the new Roman gladius had two razor sharp edges and a tip. The versatility was key. It was every bit as much a thrusting sword as a hacking weapon. And with a blade two feet in length, the gladius could be drawn by the right hand on the same side. This was important for the Roman legionary, who didn’t want to accidentally maim a nearby ally by drawing across his body. This perfect combination of quality and convenience meant the gladius would rack up more kills than any other weapon in the entire ancient world.
Gladius for the vici!
DATE OF ORIGIN: 200 BCE
BIRTHPLACE: Spain Rome
PRECURSOR TO: Spatha, a variant which was slightly longer to accommodate cavalry
FAMOUS VICTIMS: The Macedonians, who were chopped limb from limb by Roman gladii in the Battle of Pydna (168 BCE)
PILUM This version of the javelin was one of the most important pieces in the ancient Roman arsenal. The Romans excelled at close-range combat, but they needed a way to get near enough to their enemies to use their deadly gladius blades. The pilum was a perfect way to close that distance. A sprinting legionary could launch a couple of these Roman javelins at his enemy while charging toward him. If the pila (plural for pilum) didn’t kill the target, they would probably occupy him long enough for the Romans to get close and do the deed with their gladii. Pila weren’t just deadly, they were annoying to anyone who happened to get hit with them. The iron tip of the weapon was intentionally untreated, causing it to be softer than usual. So as it pierced a shield or piece of armor, the Roman pilum would collapse and fuse with the enemy’s equipment. Not only did this poor sap have a screaming Roman running toward him with a gladius in hand, he had to dislodge a crumpled iron javelin from his shield. The intentional crumpling also meant that the enemy wouldn’t be able to throw the pilum back at the Romans. That had to be a plus, since dying from your own weapon can be a humiliating way to go.
RANGE: Twenty yards effectively
PRECURSOR TO: The spiculum, a later Roman javelin influenced by Germans
ALSO USED FOR: Picking up litter
PLUMBATA Remember lawn darts? Those weighted missiles of death that were once a popular yard game like horseshoes? If you don’t remember them, it’s because they were taken off the market in 1988. The plumbata was an ancient Roman version of the lawn dart—a weighted projectile with a sharp point that was lobbed underhanded toward its target. And like the lawn dart, the plumbata killed its share of people. Not only that, it did it with ease. A typical Roman legionary could carry up to four plumbata inside his shield, making them easier to transport than a pilum. And since these darts were thrown underhanded, anyone could effortlessly granny-squat them into a crowded field of barbarians. The plumbata’s power came from gravity—the higher it was thrown, the more force it had coming down. Like the pilum, the plumbata was used before the melee clash had begun, possibly as the armies were charging toward each other. An experienced legionary could toss all four of his plumbata into the air in rapid succession. This caused concern especially among enemies without helmets and shoulder armor. And even if the darts didn’t take anyone out, they would distract the enemy long enough for the Romans to kill them with something else (see gladius, page 66).
EASE OF USE:
ALSO KNOWN AS: Lawn darts, Jarts
ADVANTAGE: Easy to carry and use
DISADVANTAGE: Difficult to aim, long trajectory = slow travel time
RECALLED BY: Roman Toy Safety Commission
CALTROP Simple, damaging, and downright mean, the caltrop is a decidedly unsexy weapon. It’s not fired from a ballista. It’s not meant to hack limbs off. It doesn’t even move. Yet, for thousands of years, the caltrop was an effective means of stopping infantry, cavalry, elephants, camels, and anything else with feet. It’s basically the ancient version of those “severe tire damage” spikes, and it was strewn all over battlefields by the ancient Romans. It rests on any three of its spikes, and leaves the fourth one sticking up to impale the foot of an unlucky foe. In the case of galloping horses, this often resulted in falling, which could be fatal for the beast and its rider. Some versions were metal balls with spikes built into them. Some were two curved pieces of iron barb that were welded together at the centers. And some were basically just wooden planks with nails sticking out of them. But they all served the same purpose: to hobble the enemy and keep him from advancing. As is the case with a lot of weapons, the caltrop wasn’t invented by the Romans, but it was made infamous by them. At the Battle of Nisibis, the Romans faced Parthian lancers riding dromedaries, a type of pretentious camel. The Roman infantry suffered significant casualties, but they quickly evened the score by crippling the dromedaries with a field of caltrops. With the Parthians’ mobility hindered, the battle resulted in everyone’s favorite outcome: a draw!
EASE OF USE:
PRECURSOR TO: Landmines, “severe tire damage” spikes
USED BY: Persians, Greeks, Indians, Romans
USED AGAINST: Horses, elephants, camels, infantry with poor footwear
ONAGER The ancient Roman onager had two things going for it: (1) It could chuck big pieces of rock through the air and take out ships, walls, cavalry, and chariots. (2) Its name literally means “wild ass,” which is cool all by itself. The onager is probably what you think of when you hear the term catapult. Like the Greek machines before it, it’s powered by torsion (coiled ropes or sinew). But unlike the ballista, which works somewhat like a crossbow, the onager had a single arm that sprung forward in a throwing motion. The arm was cranked back by turning giant gears on the sides. Modern reproductions of the onager indicate that this winding-up step was a grueling exercise that must have required several strong men. This leads us to the conclusion that the typical onager operators probably looked something like a BALCO-era Barry Bonds. Once the machine was sufficiently cocked, it was ready to be loaded with rocks, combustibles, dead animals, or whatever else the sick Roman fucks could come up with. When released, the machine made a violent kicking motion like a donkey—hence “wild ass”—and destroyed everything in the trajectory of its projectile. The onager team would then high-five each other, flex their enormous muscles, and take the lunch money of the other army.
EASE OF USE: (requires muscle and mechanical savvy; high-maintenance)
ALSO KNOWN AS: Mangonel
PRECURSOR TO: Trebuchet (see page 114)
USED WITH: Rocks, incendiary projectiles, anything you want to get rid of
TRIDENT Though this weapon was originally used by fishermen to spear multiple fish, the Romans adopted it for use in their gladiatorial bloodsport. Fighters in the Roman coliseum were typically given characters, much like your favorite professional wrestlers of today. One of the most popular was the retiarius, a mariner type who wielded a fisherman’s net and trident. The gladiator would throw the weighted net to trap his opponent and follow up with a kill shot from the trident. When used on people, the weapon had to be modified somewhat. A typical mariner’s trident might have all three teeth the same length. While this works fine on fish, it can actually make it more difficult to pierce the flesh (not to mention armor) of a human. Physics lesson: if the three tips hit simultaneously, the striking pressure is
distributed over a larger area, making it harder to stab people. Thus, the middle prong of the gladiator’s trident was often slightly longer than the other two. This gave the Roman trident more of a spear-like quality without sacrificing the pomp of costumed combat. The gladiators were happy that their equipment was more lethal, and spectators were happy that they got to see some folks get mirked with fishing equipment.
USED WITH: Net
LITERALLY MEANS: “Three teeth”
MADE FAMOUS BY: Poseidon, fishermen, Roman gladiators
OFTEN CONFUSED WITH: Pitchfork, a favorite of farmers and the Dark Lord Satan
FLAMING PIGS If you’re hoping this is a euphemism for something less horrifying, you might want to put the book down. Sometime in the first millennium BCE, the ancients discovered that war elephants were afraid of small animals that made strange noises (hence the longstanding belief that pachyderms are afraid of mice). Pigs were said to be particularly troubling, causing the elephants to become distressed at the slightest smell or oink of a nearby swine. Since the time of Alexander, Europeans knew that squealing pigs would frighten the tusks off attacking elephants. The first “war pigs” were sent into battle solely for the purpose of frightening elephants and breaking up enemy formations. Then, sometime around the third century BCE, the sick fucking Romans took it a step further: they coated the war pigs in oil and lit them on fire. Not only did this bring an incendiary weapon to the fight, it amplified the pigs’ squealing and sent the opposing war elephants into an even bigger panic. Not to mention, it distracted the invaders with the tantalizing aroma of fried bacon. Though these incendiary pigs were probably an uncommon tactic, they are reported in the writings of Dionysius, Pliny the Elder, Aelian, and Polyaenus, whose name I believe means “more than one anus.”
EASE OF USE: (burning animals are difficult to control)
MADE FAMOUS BY: Romans, Megarians, Rome: Total War video game
USED AGAINST: Elephants, most notably in the armies of Antigonus II Gonatas and Pyrrhus
I’VE BEEN CONDEMNED TO FIGHT IN THE COLISEUM.
Any Idea Who I Might Be Facing?
Good question. Here are a few of ancient Rome’s popular gladiator characters:
Thraex Swordsman who carried a rectangular shield and a curved blade called the sica.
Sagittarius Mounted archer; had to be extremely accurate to avoid killing spectators in the stands.
Cestus Hand-to-hand pugilist who boxed with iron-studded hand wraps.
Hoplomachus Heavily armored gladiator modeled after the Greek hoplites. Armed with a spear and gladius.
Crupellarius Extremely heavily armored gladiator. Completely covered in iron. Not the most mobile fighter, but certainly the most impenetrable.
Laquearius Lightly armored combatant who used a lasso and short sword. Like an ancient Roman rodeo clown.
Scissores Used dual-tipped scissor-like blades, perhaps to trap an opponent’s weapon.
Retiarius Agile, unarmored warrior with a weighted net and pitchfork.
Amazones Female gladiators, usually without helmet to show off the gender of the fighter. Used mainly for novelty and ridicule.
Andabata Fought blind, thanks to a helmet that blocked his vision. Also for ridicule.
Essedarius Drove Celtic war-chariot around the arena. Like a monster truck that crushed people instead of cars.
Dimachaerus Fought with two swords, one in each hand. Twice as deadly, but twice as vulnerable.
Eques Fought on horseback with lances, then would dismount and fight with a gladius.
Lions Kings of the jungle and the coliseum. Typically reserved for enemies of the state, including Jews, Christians, and other religious deviants.
Hoplomachus
Cruppellarius
Secutor
Myrmillo
Thracian
FALX This heavy-hacking piece of weaponry was not Roman at all, but it certainly made a change in Roman warfare. The Dacians were a neighboring kingdom situated near the Black Sea (you know, where Communists used to go for vacation). Around the turn of the Common Era, they found themselves involved in numerous clashes with their Roman neighbors, who were all armed and armored to the gills. The Dacians happened to have substantial mineral wealth, and they mined enough iron to supply their army with an endless supply of falxes. The falx was a monstrous polearm resembling a scythe, with the sharp edge of the blade on the inside of its curve. It required two hands and all of a person’s strength just to wield it. Unless the soldier had a third arm, there was no room for a shield or parrying weapon. With the falx, the idea was to come in swinging and take down as many enemies as possible before one of them had the chance to counterstrike. In this instance, offense really was the best defense. To the surprise of the Romans, the Dacian falx was capable of cutting right through their armor. With their tails between their legs, the Romans were forced to regroup. They fortified their helmets with a steel crossbar before attempting to conquer the Dacians and their mighty falx again.
DATE OF ORIGIN: First century CE
USED BY: Dacian warriors
PRECURSOR TO: Roman “siege hook”
ALSO AVAILABLE IN: Smaller size called the sica
ADVANTAGES: Excellent reach; vicious chopping power, could hack through Roman armor
DISADVANTAGES: Zero defense, as both hands are needed simply to control the falx
Chapter 6.
. . . AND YOU THOUGHT BUDDHISTS COULDN’T FIGHT
ASIA, 1–1000 CE
DURING THE FIRST millennium of the Common Era, the countries of Asia produced some seriously bizarre weapons. Martial arts were flourishing, and people all over the continent were turning their ordinary farm tools into skull-bashing, artery-severing, rib-cracking instruments of pain. It’s often been said the Chinese could make a weapon out of anything. Rakes, scythes, brushes, pitchforks, cattle whips, walking canes, flutes, cymbals, and so help me God, even coins have all been modified for use as weapons. And to complicate matters, most of them have little or no written record of their use, forcing one to rely on legends of their origins rather than factual accounts. Therefore, in lieu of facts, we are glad to provide you with the highly suspect information gathered from Chinese legend—marked by the symbol L.
L = Legend
CHINA
KWAN DAO While some Chinese warriors were dedicating years of their lives to learn the ways of the double-edged jian, the dao presented a simpler alternative. This single-edged saber didn’t offer all the moves of the jian, but it compensated with pure chopping power. The jian may have been the gentleman’s weapon, but the dao could hack gentlemen to pieces, and it could do it with very little training. Still, some people saw room for improvement. “What if I need the hacking power of the dao but would also like to dismember my enemy from a distance?” Thus, the dao was affixed to a long handle, giving birth to the formidable kwan dao, one of the most iconic polearms of the East. Who’s responsible for unleashing this beast of a backsword? General Guan Yu of the third century CE.L Yu was supposedly a gargantuan man, so large that he commissioned his blacksmiths to create this beast of a weapon just for his hands. Yu’s kwan dao was named the Green Dragon Crescent Blade, and it allegedly tipped the scales at nearly a hundred poundsL (though most surviving specimens are more in the ten-to-twelve-pound range). As evidenced by its curved blade, 99.9 percent of the time the kwan dao was used for slashing. The back of the blade also contained a thumb-like notch that could trap an enemy’s weapon, as well as several serrated teeth that were used for God knows what.
DATE OF ORIGIN: 200 CE (according to legend), 900 CE (according to most historians)
OTHER NAMES: Guan dao, kuan tao, yan yue dao
OTHER USES: Bottle opener for giants
L = Legend
MONK’S SPADE This shovel-like weapon wasn’t always a weapon. It was originally used by traveling monks to bury corpses they might find on their journey. Since it was the monks’ religious obligation to bury corpses and not leave th
em to decompose on the side of the road, they often carried a spade to dig a grave and give the poor mofo a proper sendoff into the afterlife. Eventually, the monk’s spade became something more than a trench-digger. The monks adapted it for self-defense, adding the crescent blade to the butt of the weapon. Not only could the monk’s spade be used to bury old corpses—now it could be used to make new ones. Physically, the monk’s spade is rich with Taoist symbolism. The five rings on the neck represent the five elements: earth, water, fire, metal, and wood. The dimensions of the weapon are said to symbolize various elements of the Buddhist afterlife, giving its victims a visual lesson on Hades before sending them there.
