by John O'Bryan
THUGGEE LIFE
If you’re planning a vacation in seventeenth-century India, there are some dangers you should be aware of—malaria, dysentery, and food poisoning from street vendors, to name a few. But there’s one other peril that can sneak up and put a hurt on you worse than any food-borne illness. I’m talking about the notorious Thuggee cult that has plagued the subcontinent since the 1300s. You may know them from their cartoonish portrayals in such films as Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Even though real Thuggees didn’t rip still-beating hearts from victims’ chests with their bare hands, they did murder many thousands of people over the centuries, all to satiate the supposed bloodlust of the Hindu goddess Kali. (Note: there are tons of Hindus who worship Kali and do not practice ritual mass murder.) How did they do it? The typical Thuggee approach was to gain the trust of a group of travelers, possibly offering to travel with them for more security. Little by little, more undercover Thuggees would join the party along the way. Sometimes the killers would walk hundreds of miles with the travelers, waiting for them to let down their guards. Then, when their numbers were sufficient, the Thuggee hitmen would slip their yellow handkerchiefs—called rumals—around the necks of their unsuspecting victims. Like an evil Indian A-Team, each member of the gang had his own function: some would create distractions, some would restrain the victims, and some might play music to drown out the sound of the crime. Thuggee life was exclusive to men. Fathers passed on Thug secrets to their sons, who were expected to make their own “sacrifices to Kali” at age eighteen. The cult died out in the 1830s, as travelers slowly learned not to trust people with yellow scarves.
KUKRI This crooked Nepalese knife was the stuff of nightmares for British imperial forces. In the early nineteenth century, the English were busy suppressing a Gurkha uprising in Nepal, which they coveted for its wealth of abominable snowmen. British troops began to tell harrowing tales of tiny, ferocious Nepalese warriors appearing from the brush and hacking them up with small, powerful swords. These Gurkhas would strike with their kukris, taking off the arms and heads of the English in the blink of an eye. The attackers would then disappear into the forest before the British could say, “What’s all this then?” How was this lowly dagger able to generate such power in such a compact body? By brilliance in design. The kukri was weighted toward the tip, meaning it could chop like an English chef chopped up sheep kidneys. It was also small enough to wield with great speed. And its sharp edge lay inside the curve—a shape that might have been derived from the Greek kopis. This meant that the blade actually hit its target sooner than it would have if it were straight. The British were so impressed by the Gurkhas and their kukris that they made a deal with Nepal: you send your guys to fight for us, and we’ll leave you the hell alone. The Gurkhas became loyal allies of the British, and the British became firm believers in the power of the kukri. From that point on, they wore it as a sidearm, as a reminder of how they once got their asses kicked by the mountain men of Nepal.
ALSO CALLED: Khukuri
PRONOUNCED: KOOK-ree (Western); KOO-ker-ree (original)
EVOLVED FROM: Possibly Greek kopis or Spanish falcata
FAMOUS VICTIMS: British imperial soldiers
TECHNIQUES: Can stab, hack downward, or be thrust upward like the tusk of a boar
FUN FACT: The two small notches above the handle are to prevent blood from flowing onto the user’s hand
PUNJI STICKS Although this booby trap became famous in the Vietnam War of the 1960s, it actually originated in ancient times. Simple, mean, and sometimes deadly, punji sticks are the reason invading armies tread slowly through the jungles of southern Asia. First, bamboo is sharpened and fire-treated to hold its edge. Then the tips are typically treated with (get ready for this) human shit. Then the spikes are placed in the ground and concealed with grass or shrubs or placed under a trap door. Gravity is the only force needed to make the punji sticks work. When the unsuspecting interloper steps on them, the pain is severe. The victim might think he’s been bitten by a cobra. And he’ll soon wish he was—he can find a buddy to suck out snake poison, but good luck finding one who will suck out human feces. Once you’ve been stabbed with punji sticks, it’s all downhill. The bacteria from the feces penetrates the wound and quickly causes infections. And since antibiotics are in short supply in eighteenth-century Asia, the punji stick victim will die a slow, agonizing death. Let’s take a moment to give thanks for modern medicine, shall we?
EASE OF USE: (gravity does most of the work; some whittling skills required)
MADE FAMOUS BY: Viet Cong
USED WITH: Feces
SIMILAR TO: Troup de loup (European spike trap, usually without feces)
BEST DEFENSE: Armored shoes
KRIS No, this isn’t the Kris who sells you weed at the local video store. This kris is the wavy blade of death that’s synonymous with Indonesian warriors. Said to possess mystical powers, the kris is centuries deep in superstition. The original kris blades were made from a fallen meteorite. And since the ancients probably thought the meteorite was God’s own testicle fallen from space, they assumed it was imbued with magical properties. Ever since then, each kris was thought to possess a spirit. The wielder had to feed this spirit by anointing his blade with oil or placing food next to it at night. Kris blades always had an odd number, signifying good luck for the user. While all that may be bullshit, the wavy edge served a utilitarian purpose—it ensured that the blade would sever the maximum number of veins and arteries on its way through the flesh, and it made it easier to plunge the knife between ribs. The askew handle of the kris also worked to the wielder’s advantage, though it seems counterintuitive to Western swordsmen. It allowed the wielder to generate more thrusting power without bending his or her wrist, acting much like the katar of India. In fact, the Javanese believed the kris to be so powerful it could kill a person just by stabbing his shadow. Let’s see your sword do that.
DATE OF ORIGIN: No later than the fourteenth century
BIRTHPLACE: Indonesian island of Java
PRONOUNCED: Keh-rees
ADVANTAGES: Wavy blade allows the knife to plunge easily between ribs; weapon can be handed down as family heirloom, so user’s children can’t bitch about how he never left them any inheritance
DISADVANTAGES: Spirit that inhabits the blade is a picky eater who always complains about the snacks you leave out
PARANG The parang was a machete of sorts to the people of Southeast Asia. Their tropical habitats were so overgrown with woody plants that they needed the parang just to get out of their houses in the morning. But to the Dayaks of Borneo, this bad jungle knife had a more sinister purpose: removing heads from bodies. The island of Borneo has always been infamous for its headhunters, a group of aptly named warriors who admittedly enjoyed decapitating people from time to time. This practice may seem barbaric to Western eyes, but it actually served several useful purposes in Bornean beliefs. It brought a more bountiful rice crop. It allowed slaves to serve their departed masters in the afterlife. And if a young Dayak boy wanted to propose to a maiden, he couldn’t pop the question without presenting her with a decent head. (Seriously.) If the young man was serious about marriage, he knew he had to dig his father’s parang out of the toolshed and get busy searching the island for a nice-sized noggin.
BIRTHPLACE: Malaysia
SIMILAR TO: Machete
USED FOR: Weed whacking, head chopping
ADVANTAGES: Short blade designed to be drawn quickly for instant throat slashing; Dayak metal is supposedly quite good
DISADVANTAGES: Neighbors always borrow parang and forget to return it
FUN FACT: The pommel of the parang was often decorated with hair from previously hunted heads
KARAMBIT The Javan tiger was a ferocious feline badass that stalked every living thing in Indonesia for thousands of years. The Javanese people were so impressed by the tiger’s ability to rip through a wild boar carcass that they began to develop weapons to emulate the tiger’s claws
. Though the tiger itself went extinct in the twentieth century, we still have the karambit to remember it by. This strange, sickle-shaped dagger looks more like a meat hook than a sword. It’s usually wielded with the index finger inside the ring for control, and the blade coming out of the bottom of the fist. This allows the wielder to punch upward or in a hooking motion toward the enemy’s throat or torso. The karambit can also be used on a guy’s testicles, which makes you wonder how any man could ever use such a weapon on another man. This is probably why the karambit is traditionally considered a woman’s weapon—because women can emasculate a guy and not give a shit.
BIRTHPLACE: Indonesian island of Java
ALSO CALLED: Korambit, kerambit
USED BY: Javanese women; some men, as a last resort; Filipino warriors
ADVANTAGES: Hook shape allows for maximum damage in a compact blade; finger ring prevents weapon from being dislodged from wielder’s hand
DISADVANTAGES: Enemy might accuse you of fighting like a girl, at which point you can rip off his balls and say, “Now who’s the girl?”
BALISONG If you’ve ever seen a movie about gangsters in the 1950s, you’ve undoubtedly seen someone flipping open a balisong. Better known as the butterfly knife, this strange clicking weapon unsheathes its blade with a twirl of the handle. The flipping techniques are often so elaborate that they resemble secret handshakes. So what exactly is happening during this odd combination of flips? The handle of the butterfly knife is hinged in two, concealing the blade in the middle. In order to expose the edge, the wielder has to swing one side of the handle around to the other side of his knuckles. The objective is to do this with one hand—not only so you can defend yourself with the free hand, but also because it looks cool. Where did this weird-ass flippy blade come from? The earliest documented design was found in a French magazine published in 1710, but unless you want to get your ass kicked by a Filipino knife enthusiast, you’ll keep this to yourself. Filipinos claim the balisong is their invention, dating as far back as 800 CE. This makes the balisong high on our list of “Reasons Not to Fuck with the Philippines,” second only to Manny Pacquiao.
EASE OF USE: (flipping it open is easier than it looks)
BIRTHPLACE: Possibly early eighteenth-century France; possibly ancient Philippines
MADE FAMOUS BY: 1950s street thugs, after the knife was imported by war veterans and Filipino immigrants
MATERIALS: Steel or buffalo horn, depending on the era
MADE OBSOLETE BY: The less complicated switchblade; state and federal laws, which have effectively made the balisong illegal
DEERHORN KNIVES One single deerhorn knife is already loaded with ways to stab a person. But when wielded in pairs, the deerhorn knives become a ridiculously formidable means of personal protection that can leave one’s adversary dead in the mud. Used primarily in the martial art of baguazhang, the deerhorn knives are a relatively recent invention. Dong Hai Chuan—the nineteenth-century martial artist who developedbaguazhang—carried a pair of deerhorn knives for personal protection. He used the circular movements and evasive footwork of baguazhang to make the most of the multi-pointed blades. In his hands, these weren’t stationary weapons but whirling razors that chopped up everything within arm’s length. According to legend, Dong Hai Chuan could take on dozens of opponents at one time with his deerhorn knife/baguazhang combination. He could use the weapons together to trap larger weapons like spears and swords. Or he could use one blade to knock the attacker off balance, while using the other knife to counterattack. This is precisely how Dong Hai Chuan’s countless adversaries met their ends. We can’t say exactly how many enemies attacked Dong Hai Chuan, but we can assume it was a lot, since he worked as a tax collector for the emperor.
EASE OF USE: (significant risk of injury to wielder; must be familiar with baguazhang techniques)
ALSO CALLED: Mandarin duck blades, crescent moon knives
EVOLVED FROM: Wind-and-fire wheels
USED BY: Baguazhang practitioners
MADE FAMOUS BY: Dong Hai Chuan, a fat Chinese guy who allegedly killed a buttload of people with deerhorn knives
SLEEVE ARROWS These spring-loaded darts were a specialty weapon of Chinese assassins. The arrows packed less wallop than those of a typical bow, but they could do one thing most other weapons couldn’t: they could get past security. Picture yourself as an assassin sent to gun down an important official in Qing-era China. Said official is probably going to be inside a heavily guarded fortification, and you’re probably not getting your hand cannon past security. You need a stealth attack. You need something you can fit up your sleeve. Some sort of “sleeve arrow,” maybe. Lucky for you, there is such a thing. It’s little more than a powerful spring inside a metal tube. It’s doesn’t pack the punch of a musket. It’s not going to penetrate armor or elephant hide, and it won’t hack a person up like a dao. But it can kill an unsuspecting person from twenty feet away if he’s not shielded. Just get close enough, wait for the right moment, then point your arm and pull the trigger. As for the escape plan . . . well, you’re on your own there.
EVOLVED FROM: Back crossbow, a similar device that was worn on the back and fired while the wielder was bowing to his target
ADVANTAGES: Stealth, gets past security
DISADVANTAGES: Lack of power and range; you only get one shot; you’ll probably be killed after shooting it
JEZAIL Believe it or not, the grasping British even wanted a piece of Afghanistan. During the mid-nineteenth century, the English launched a series of invasions into the country, which they coveted for its wealth of barren rocks. The English forces attacked with their infamous Brown Bess muskets, and the Afghans responded by stealing those muskets and making their very own firearms from the pieces. This Afghan specialty was known as the jezail. Though its firing mechanism was scavenged from British guns, the rest of the jezail was purely Afghani. The handmade stock was often intricately decorated by local artisans, and it featured a distinctive curve not found in any other musket. This would seem to suggest that it was fired under the arm instead of pressed against the shoulder. The barrel of the jezail was also quite long, giving it more range than the Brown Bess. This would ultimately be the demise of the British forces, who were repeatedly ambushed and picked off by Afghan rebels from high clifftops. By the end of the First Anglo-Afghan War, the British had lost tens of thousands of men to their very own firearm mechanisms. Good show, old boy!
USED BY: Middle Eastern soldiers of the nineteenth century
AVAILABLE IN: Smoothbore or rifled
ADVANTAGES: Considerable range; able to shoot from under the arm, which could come in handy on horseback
DISADVANTAGES: Holding the jezail under the arm puts firing mechanism close to user’s face, allowing sparks to fly into his eyes
SUMPITAN Yes, yes, I know. I’ve already covered blowguns in this book. But the sumpitan of Borneo deserves special recognition. This isn’t the sly, concealable peashooter of the Japanese ninja. The people of Borneo relied heavily on the sumpitan for survival, so they didn’t fuck around with things that resembled drinking straws. When early English conquerors first encountered the Dayaks, they scoffed at their primitive breath-powered weapons. But the English soon stopped scoffing when the Dayaks picked off thirty of their men with sumpitan darts. These blowguns were about seven feet long, made from hardwood, and typically came equipped with a bayonet-like spear tip. (You know . . . for stabbing.) They were remarkably accurate—more so than the firearms of the time—using tiny slivers of bamboo or palm trees as darts. Physically, the wound of the sumpitan dart was almost insignificant. The enemy might think he’d been bitten by a big mosquito at worst. But these tiny, insignificant darts were poisoned with the milky sap of the upas tree, one of the most toxic substances found in the plant kingdom. The dart only had to break the skin, and the fight was over. The upas poison would take effect, shutting down the victim’s respiratory system in mere seconds. Think of the sumpitan dart as a cobra that you can throw
at people.
EASE OF USE: (wielder must have the lungs of a tuba player)
USED WITH: Upas tree poison
FAMOUS VICTIMS: The party of an English officer known simply as Mr. Johnson, who lost thirty men to sumpitan darts
ADVANTAGES: Can be wielded from thick foliage; remarkably accurate; target dies almost instantly
DISADVANTAGES: Poor range; poison has a short shelf life
“FWWOOOMP!”: The last sound you hear before the sumpitan kills you
Chapter 14.
‘MERICA!
EATING POSSUM & SHITTING FREEDOM
1776–1900
BACK IN 1776, a bunch of guys in powdered wigs gathered in Philadelphia and wrote a letter to the king of England. These colonists told the king what he could do with his taxes. Turns out the king of England didn’t like shoving money up his rectum. Instead, he sent his army to the colonies and said, “Why don’t you say that to my army’s face?!” Well, the colonists did exactly that. They fought the King of England’s army and kicked their lily-white asses, and abrand-new country called America was born. The skies parted, the railroads were built, and corn was invented. People wore coonskin hats, ate junk food, and shit freedom! (And corn!) They also did an assload of killing along the way.
BOWIE KNIFE Baseball. Apple pie. And GM Chrysler. These are things that make every red-blooded American warm and tingly inside. And then there’s the Bowie knife—that iconic blade of the pioneer that out-Americans everything. It can destroy a baseball, slice up an apple pie, and turn a Chrysler inside out. You could even use it for more reasonable things, like skinning and butchering animals. But this knife is most renowned for its use in fights, like the one involving its namesake Jim Bowie. Bowie was involved in a multi-person duel on a sandbar near Natchez, Mississippi. Though he was shot, stabbed, and beaten to within a breath of Hades, Bowie eventually won the duel with his large butcher knife. From this point on, any large American combat knife was referred to as a Bowie knife, especially the ones with large clip points (where the blade suddenly narrows, as though a large chunk were taken out of it). A couple of years after the sandbar duel, Bowie got another opportunity to use his knife in Texas, when a man he spared in that duel sent three hitmen after him. Even though the assassins had guns, Bowie still wedged his foot firmly up their asses. This time he spared no one, decapitating one guy and disemboweling another. The third man ran away with a massive head wound, never to be heard from again. At this point, Jim Bowie may have gotten a little too sure of himself. He would die at the Battle of the Alamo, his knife unable to save him from the hordes of Mexican troops that had come to take his title of “Mas Macho.”
