Christina bit her lip. “I didn’t just break up with Vivi,” she blurted out. “I quit my job.”
“Oh, sweetie,” Aditi said. “What happened?”
Christina rubbed her hand over her face. She found herself telling them everything—the way Vivi had gotten her the job, the way she’d started changing. Vivi fucking Atticus right next to Christina, and then Vivi’s casual “it’s just for the job” ambition… and how she was using Christina as a sort of personal trainer/comfort provider, all in pursuit of that fucking brass ring. She didn’t realize she’d started crying until she wiped at her cheek and felt the dampness.
Taneesha got up, hugged her, and she clung for a second, feeling like her chest had cratered. She couldn’t remember hurting this much. Not ever. And she didn’t think she ever wanted to hurt like this again.
“What are you going to do now?”
She thought Michelle had asked the question, but Michelle was just nodding quietly. It had been Aditi.
“I don’t know. I gave notice on my apartment, and I think they already have a new tenant, so I need to find a new place to live. Which might be a little tricky since I’m currently unemployed.” She gnawed on her lip. “While I’m at it, I’m going to chill on the drugs for a while. I’m still going to do weed—it’s legal and all—and I’ll still drink. But I think I need to figure shit out for a bit.”
They made sympathetic little murmurs.
She kept going. “I don’t want to be a second-second again, that’s for damned sure. But maybe just being a PA isn’t getting it done either. I don’t know.” And that didn’t help. It was like once she had cut herself loose from Vivi’s world, there was just this swirling vacuum, dragging in a bunch of disparate elements that she wasn’t sure how to process. What did she want? What was she going to do now?
She didn’t know.
“It’ll work out,” Michelle said. “You can always come and hang out with me in New York for a while if you want.”
“With the kinky shit you’re up to? Way too wild a lifestyle for me,” Christina joked, tossing a decorative pillow at Michelle, who laughed in response. “I figure I’ll get another job—that’s first up. Take it easy on everything else, though. Get my head together.”
“Make a change,” Taneesha mused.
“Yeah. Definitely,” Christina said. “It feels like it’s time. It’s been fun, but—okay, I don’t want to hear any shit from you, Miche…”
“Absolutely not,” Michelle agreed.
“I feel like I’ve been in stasis,” Christina said. “I mean, I’ve been having fun. Like, holy shit, I have had no regrets. But… I don’t know. It’s like it’s all the same now. I’m not going anywhere. And I’m starting to feel like shit is just passing me by, and if I don’t do something, I’m going to be that chick, you know? The one who’s kinda skeezy, who’s just a little too old. Not that age has anything to do with having fun, but it’s sort of like… it’s like you’re not partying because you’re choosing it. You’re partying because you don’t have your act together.”
She thought of how Vivi saw her. That she should’ve been further along. That she wasn’t someone who did things. She was someone who was used.
Fuck that. She wasn’t going to be used again. She wasn’t going to be climbing on bodies to grab Vivi’s brass ring—but she wasn’t going to be a goddamned stepstool again, either.
“I just need to get my shit in order,” she finally said.
“Good for you,” Aditi said, her voice ringing with approval. Then she leaned over, grabbing a wine glass. “To getting our shit together.”
“Hear, hear,” Taneesha said, holding up a pale ale bottle. Even Michelle grabbed what was left of her tiny hotel vodka bottle.
Christina held up her bottle of Jack’s. “Fuck, yeah,” she said, and took a swig. “Love you guys.”
ELLI
“I shouldn’t have used the hotel room,” Elli said as her friends helped her check out and carry all her stuff. “But I figured that Ruby had already paid for the room, and it’s a lot easier than carting all my costume stuff around. But if I hadn’t…”
“This isn’t your fault, Elli,” Michelle said, kindly but firmly.
Elli was grateful that her friends helped her carry her stuff and accompanied her back to her house. Christina and Aditi, having more flexibility in their schedules, stayed with Elli at her parents’ house for another two days.
Her parents had been surprised, to say the least. Her mother’s eyebrows had disappeared into her hairline when she got a load of Christina’s choppy hair and multiple piercings, but both parents had rallied and been gracious at the prospect of unexpected houseguests. It was probably because they could tell—Elli knew they could tell—that something had gone wrong. Rather than being snide about the con, her mother had gotten that shocked and perceptive look. Still, she was too well-mannered to try to pry it out of her in front of guests, which was the other reason that Elli was glad the two were able to stay, if only for forty-eight hours.
“My phone’s always on,” Christina reassured her with a huge hug when she was getting ready to leave, “and I literally have nothing else to do right now. If you want to talk, or vent, or just watch Korean dramas, hit me up, okay?”
“And maybe we can do some dungeon runs,” Elli said, trying to keep her voice upbeat. It didn’t work.
“Absolutely. I’ve been out of Warcraft for so long, they’ve probably added a whole new expansion world I don’t know. You’ll have to show me the ropes again.” Christina winked. If you didn’t know her, it’d read as fun, maybe even flirty. But Elli did know her, and she saw what was behind it. She was worried. More than worried. There was a healthy dollop of pity mixed in there.
The problem was, Elli wasn’t sure what the pity was for, exactly. Was it because of what had happened? Or was it—and this was what Elli feared—because Elli had been too weak to say no, and gotten herself into that horrible situation?
Now that Aditi and Christina were gone and she was all by herself in her basement—her Fortress of Solitude—her mind was running an endless, painful loop. No matter what her friends said about it not being her fault, she couldn’t help but play back the moment Tyler made her too petrified to move. Elli was sure none of her friends would have reacted the way she had. Aditi would’ve been clear right from the jump about whether she was interested or not. Michelle wouldn’t have let him in the room in the first place—she’d have finessed her way out of it. Taneesha would’ve laughed in his face. And Christina? She’d probably have let him in, but after he’d touched her while sleeping? She’d have twisted his dick off like an apple stem.
But poor, simple, “nice” Elli?
I just froze.
Why? Why had she just frozen?
It was his doing, she knew that. He should not have taken advantage. She knew that, too. Intellectually. On some level. But it didn’t help her, and it didn’t stop her racing mind from replaying the awful moment and her own recriminations, like she was trying to write some kind of mental fanfic that would’ve changed the canon of the situation. Where she could live in a world where the incident simply did not happen.
But it’s not working.
Her stomach yowled. It occurred to her that she couldn’t remember the last time she’d eaten. She seemed to recall a stale, half-eaten box of Pocky. Had that been last night? Maybe yesterday morning?
Elli glanced at the clock. It was five in the evening. She wasn’t quite sure what day it was. She didn’t have a job to go to and felt a stab of sadness about Ruby, and she could barely look at her costumes. She didn’t want to think about another convention. Not now.
She padded upstairs, listening for her parents. She thought she’d heard the front door close a while before, and it was quiet. God, she hoped they were out.
She opened the door, listening. Still quiet. She closed it softly, then headed for the kitchen.
Her mother was sitting at the round kitchen table, reading
glasses perched on her nose as she read something that looked literary and was probably for her book club. She looked up, her face animating with an over-bright smile. “There you are, sleepyhead! I was going to bring down some dinner if you didn’t come up.”
Elli knew she should probably come up with something chirpy, some happy comment, but her heart just wasn’t in it. “I thought I’d grab a snack,” she said instead, quickly, but her mother was already on her feet, bustling over to the fridge.
“I can fix you a plate, no problem,” her mother said, still in that chipper voice.
“I was thinking just an apple,” Elli said, her stomach knotting at the thought of an actual meal. She barely wanted to eat as it was, even if her stomach was rumbling.
“Don’t be silly, I can hear your tummy from here,” her mother said, her head in the fridge. “What do you want? We’ve still got some pot roast… Let’s see, I made that quiche you like this afternoon. That might be better. Not quite so heavy. Do you want some quiche, honey?”
No, I don’t want some goddamned quiche.
“Sure,” Elli heard herself say.
Her mother nodded, pulling out the pie plate and slicing some up. She popped a piece in the microwave. “I’ll add a fruit salad, how about that?”
Elli pressed her lips together, feeling her energy drop through the floor. It’s just too much effort, she thought. Her mother would, in the nicest way possible, keep offering comfort and doing what she thought was best until Elli was worn down by her relentless nurturing and simply submitted to her ministrations. She was like a cross between Martha Stewart and the Terminator.
Elli waited, her arms folded awkwardly, as her mother cut up grapes, bananas, and strawberries, tossing them in a bowl. Then she turned. Despite her warm expression, her eyes were concerned.
“So,” she said, leaning back against the counter. “Are you finally going to tell me what’s wrong?”
Elli shook her head. “Just… a thing at the convention,” Elli said, and her voice sounded hollow even to her. “Not a big deal.”
Totally a big deal. Big, huge, traumatic deal.
Her mother sighed. “I know how hard it had to be,” her mother said, her tone mournful. “So soon after your employer died. I know how much you liked her. And the way you took care of all those things for her! Oh, honey, you did so well, and it must’ve been awful.”
Elli blinked. Yes, actually, that had been bad. Elli had successfully repressed most of her feelings about Ruby since that day in the hospital. And with this new thing coming up, she’d almost put it out of her mind.
But not entirely. Ruby was the first person who’d actually gotten her. She was the person Elli wanted to be like. The person who seemed to be able to skirt the line between living the dream, living like a fun, carefree, creative person, and still successfully adulting.
Now Ruby was gone, and Elli was in no way prepared for that loss. Worse, she realized that Ruby had tried to prepare her—had tried to warn her—and being in her own fucking world, she’d missed all the signs.
How much am I bringing this on myself?
Her chest felt like lead.
What the hell is wrong with me?
“I’m fine,” Elli said to her mother woodenly. “Just tired.”
Her mother’s eyes were drowning in sympathy. She put the plate down on the kitchen table, rather than handing it to Elli—effectively preventing Elli from disappearing downstairs with it. “Sit.”
“I’d rather just…”
“Sit and talk to me,” her mother said, with a little more steel in her voice.
Elli sat, then absently picked up the fork her mother had set down, taking a bite of the quiche. It was spinach and caramelized onion, one of her favorites.
It didn’t taste like anything. She ate mechanically.
“Your father and I have been talking,” her mother said, pressing her hands on the tabletop before tapping her fingertips nervously against the surface. “Maybe we were too hasty.”
Elli kept chewing, staring at her, not comprehending.
“You don’t have to rush out and get a job,” her mother said. “It’s really no trouble—you don’t take up much room, especially if you keep eating like a bird!” Her laugh was nervous. “And good grief, it’s not like you’re out doing drugs or God knows what. Your Aunt Tanya and your cousin Robby… ugh, that one, with his shiftless friends and all that marijuana he smokes. He’s been arrested, and Tanya has been tearing her hair out over all of it. I’m lucky you just play dress-up rather than having to deal with heartbreaks like Tanya’s.”
Elli blinked. What is she talking about?
“So, it’s settled,” her mother said. “You take your time, sweetie. I know you’re a dreamer, but you’re… well, you’re more sensitive than most. So there’s no rush. You just wait until you feel better, okay?”
Elli looked down at her half-eaten quiche.
Her parents thought she was too fragile. Maybe simply incapable of handling the real world.
She swallowed with difficulty, the quiche sticking like paste in her throat. “I think I’m full now,” she whispered.
Her mother reached over, patting her hand. “It’ll get better, sweetheart,” she cooed. “Do you want some ice cream? We’ve…”
“No,” Elli said, retreating back down to her basement. She felt her breaths going short, coming out in little panting gasps. She wrapped her arms around her torso, rocking back and forth. It was getting hard to breathe.
Panic attack, she realized in a moment of clarity.
With effort, she remembered the breathing techniques Michelle had taught Aditi, when Aditi had been dealing with anxiety. Breathe in, four seconds. Hold for four. Breathe out, four seconds. Hold for four. Just like a box, she could hear Michelle’s voice in her head.
She glanced over. A muslin dress was half-pieced together on the dress form. Another princess, she thought. A frothy, frilly, fantastic creation.
Before she registered what she was about to do, she let out a low sob, and started pulling off pieces, pins flying everywhere. She threw them as hard as she could against the floor. Then she sunk on her bed, crying into a pillow.
Everything hurt.
After what felt like a long time, the storm of grief finally passed. She felt worn out and empty. But a better empty. It was like she’d leeched the poison out.
She looked at the torn-up pieces of dress on her floor.
I don’t want to be a princess anymore.
She still loved sewing. She knew that. She knew that she still loved cosplay. And—again logically—she knew that she couldn’t let her experience at Fairy Con prevent her from doing what she loved.
But, dammit, she wasn’t going to keep messing herself up. She wasn’t a child. She needed to stop acting like one. Not as far as the “dressing up.” Ruby dressed up. But Ruby also kicked ass. So did Elli’s friends.
Elli needed to do that. Time to stop simply playing pretend at being the heroines she loved. She needed to act like one.
Frowning, she opened her laptop, searching through listings. Then she grabbed her cell phone and made some calls.
The next morning, Elli got up, showered, and dressed for success—a General Leia Organa vibe, she thought, surveying her khaki pants and olive sweater. She headed out to a coffee shop before her parents got up, writing notes to herself. She didn’t head back until after lunch.
Her parents were in the living room when she returned. “I didn’t even know you’d gone,” her mother said, with a pleased expression. She stroked Elli’s cheek. “You look much better. Do you feel better?”
“Yes,” Elli said, then took a deep breath. “I’m moving out.”
Her father’s eyes widened. “Moving out?”
Her mother’s smile never faltered. “We talked about this,” she said, giving her a half-hug. “I don’t want you to feel rushed. We love you, and you always have a place here…”
“I love you, too,” Elli said. “But I
have a place somewhere else now. I just signed a lease.”
Now her father got out of the recliner, heading over to her. “What do you mean, signed a lease?”
“Sub-lease, really,” she admitted. “Ruby’s sister is taking over the house, and she needs a roommate. She said I could move in.”
Her mother blinked at her. “You’re really moving?”
“Yes,” Elli said. She was happy, but it was a tempered happiness. She still felt the sting from seeing Ruby’s place without Ruby in it. “Her sister Alice is awesome, and willing to take a chance on me.”
“Will you be working for her? The way you did for Ruby?”
“No,” she said. “Alice isn’t a writer. She’s a chef or something. She doesn’t really need an assistant.”
“Then how will you make money?”
“I got a job.”
Her father gawped. “Where?”
“A fabric store I go to was hiring. It’s not a lot of money, but it should cover my portion of the rent and my phone.” It meant giving up cons for a while, but right now, that wasn’t a hardship. “Besides, I might be able to teach classes to make extra money. There’s serious interest in cosplay.”
Her mother frowned. “Maybe you should save up some of your money first,” she said gently. “You don’t want to be stuck in a lease and then…”
“And then get fired?” Elli finished for her.
Her mother held out her hands. “It happens to you, Elli. You can’t say that it hasn’t.”
That stung, but her mother wasn’t wrong. “If that happens, it happens,” Elli said. “I need to take a chance.”
Her father nodded, giving her a hug. “I’m proud of you, honey.”
Elli hugged back. “Thanks, Dad.”
“And you can always come back here,” her mother said.
It was a bit like the Lotus Hotel and Casino, from the Percy Jackson books, Elli realized. There was a lulling complacency here. It was comfort, and care.
And, honestly, a trap.
“Thanks,” Elli said, while promising herself she wouldn’t fall into that trap again. Not this time. This time, she was changing.
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