by JK Ensley
Basically, I snapped, in a big way. And what did I do? I took it out on God and on my new friends. Neither of which had any part to play in this little fiasco that was my life. Yet, that is what we very flawed humans do. We take it all out on the people who care about us the most, the ones we care about the most. Why do we do that? Why did I do that? Simple, I felt sorry for myself. I was in pain so I lashed out. No excuses. It was probably the second worst thing I have ever done. I’m still so ashamed.
If you learn nothing else from all the horrible mistakes I’ve recorded here, please, walk away from this book determined not to harm the people who love you. No matter how bad your day has been, no matter how horrible you think life has treated you… hurt not the innocent. Harm none.
What I ended up accomplishing was this. I hurt a bunch of people who didn’t deserve it. I completely destroyed myself. I literally cracked. I broke a dear friend’s heart and I physically tore apart the face of the man destined to be mine. But in spite of all this, God used my self-destruction to heal me, to make me better than I was.
You see, we all have flaws, everyone does, even the Vanir. It doesn’t matter how attractive, smart, funny, strong, or young you are… you’re not perfect. I was so horribly flawed on the inside, it’s like I was walking around just waiting for one more thing to happen. It really didn’t matter how big or how little that one thing was, it would completely shatter the fragile glass figurine that was Jenevier.
But sometimes that’s just what has to take place. We have to hit rock bottom before we’re humbled enough to let God fix what needs to be fixed, change what needs to be changed.
So, that’s what happened. I broke and God fixed me. Simple as that.
The odd twist that provoked my physical changing has two parts, I believe. No one can tell me for sure. First, I broke someone else too, my dear friend, Vindicus. Because of me, he had to be fixed as well. So we were fixed together. And we sort of… blended.
The people living on layer eight have something they call DNA. It’s the stuff they’re made of. So if you can imagine taking two layer eight’s DNA, pouring them together into a big pot of healing water, and stirring it just a little, that’s what happened to me and Vindicus.
The second part of my twist was my destiny… it changed. I’m not sure if the destiny change was part of my punishment or part of something bigger. Like when I became Vashti, I couldn’t return to Ashgard because I wasn’t just Jenevier anymore. My home no longer fit me. Now that I’m another new creature, Vanahirdem no longer fits because I’m not just Jenevier and I’m not just Vashti. Not anymore.
As for being Vanir, I’m having a real hard time figuring out how to explain this sensation. Imagine you were eating your favorite food, then someone flips your taste buds on. You had no idea your taste buds were off in the first place. You already loved the way your delicious treat tasted. But then in a heartbeat, everything about it was magnified. What you thought was delicious before, now suddenly explodes with such flavor your knees tremble. Well, that’s pretty much the difference in being human and being Vanir. Everything tastes better, everything looks sharper, every emotion is felt deeper, and every bond is so much stronger. The Vanir experience all the same things humans do, but their senses are heightened. Their appreciation of each experience is cherished, nurtured. I guess you could say the Vanir hold all things precious, appreciating life to the fullest.
Yet, there is always a bitter pill to be swallowed when drastic, unexpected changes occur.
And me? Well, I had a double dose. My bitter pills were Varick and Vybius.
Varick goes without saying. Actually, the pain is still so great, even mentioning it leaves cracks in my fragile soul. He loved me since before I was born, protected me the whole of my life. Never had I felt such a bond as the one we shared. Not just because part of me was made from him. I loved him because he first loved me. He showed me how wonderful it was to love and be loved. Varick and Alzeen, together, made up the exquisite being that completed Jenevier, made her whole, gave her strength, helped her become the creature she was.
But I was no longer just Jenevier. She would always be my base self, I suppose. But now that the shell of Jenevier had been filled with a whole new person, mixed with a whole new Angel, I was irrecoverably changed. And Varick? Well, he now loved another. He had a new Anicee. He would be fine without me.
My second bitter pill was Vybius. Now, I’ve told you before how my first look into Vybius’s mesmerizing eyes had made me weak. Not to mention the glances I stole at his perfect body when I thought he wasn’t aware. These warm feelings were only compounded by his tender, loving actions toward me.
This rare Guardian went without food or rest for days while I was lost in the darkness, holding constant vigil at my side. His voice alone brought me back from the void place. My fondness and appreciation only grew for him when he gently bathed and prepared me for the council meeting. And I very nearly loved him when he looked into my soul. Well, after my anger subsided and I realized this man saw every hidden secret, every dark thought within my heart, and it only made him care all the more. That thought alone gave him an honored place in my heart as my true blood brother. Because family, well, they accept us… no matter what, most times.
Ugh… I get so frustrated with this language sometimes. It’s a pitiful one when it comes to describing love. There are as many shades of love as there are shades of hate. Love doesn’t always mean love. Sometimes it means more, sometimes less. An ancient people on layer eight wrote much about love. But their tongue doesn’t flow well with mine and proves rather hard to translate. For instance, they had at least four different ways to describe their varying affections. Agápe was the word they used when they were talking about an infinite, unconditional, spiritual, unrequited feast of love. Which was much different than the natural affection you feel for blood kin—storgē… sort of along the lines of blood’s thicker than water. You love them because they’re family, doesn’t always mean that you like them though. Erōs is that passionate, erotic, physical, sexual kind of love you share with your partner. And then philía is the loyal, affectionate, devoted love you have for your friends.
Looking back on Vybius, I knew the very moment I actually felt pangs of a growing, morphing kind of love for this most beautiful heavenly sentinel. It was when he sat down in the floor in the middle of that crowded chamber hall—unashamed, caring only for my comfort—and gently patted the spot next to him. I knew instantly he loved me and that he would always protect me, even to his own shame or detriment. I did love him for that.
I was grieved by this knowledge. Grieved by the loss of something spectacular that had only just started between us, but wasn’t allowed to grow… not given enough time to flourish.
Alas, this is a new day, a new beginning in my life.
I would always bitterly mourn the loss of Varick, of my Alzeen, and of the part of me that would ever hold him dear. But my change was now complete. I was more than I had been. The naïve little girl he knew, the one that giggled and blushed and played, the one he treasured in his noble heart… she was gone.
Ugh… I hate regret. It ranks right at the top of my bitter pill list.
But I also knew, beyond everything else in the world, I loved Vindicus. Please, don’t expect further explanation, I have not the proper words. He is in me, a part of me. Loving him is as natural as breathing, as comfortable as bare feet in the sand. How do you explain something like that? You can’t. You have to experience it.
Know this. Being of like-mind with another person and then removing any and all societal deemed boundaries; you can freely love with a passion that cannot be controlled or defined. It is gloriously terrifying. Just feeling his every emotion was gloriously terrifying. We orbited one another, unconsciously reacted to the other, answered unspoken words between us. We were the couple that made everyone else around us uncomfortable. When he moved, I moved. When he laughed for no reason, I was the reason. We lived inside each other, ins
ide our connected minds. Our bodies danced about, going through the necessary motions of life—physical proof of our existence. Yet we lived inside ourselves. We were our own world.
Ultimate trust—have you ever truly thought about it? No, probably not. Most people haven’t experienced such a thing since they were a babe in their mother’s loving arms. It will never cross a child’s innocent mind that harm will come to them via their gentle mother. Now, as an adult, place that kind of ultimate trust in another being. No reservations, no limits. Can you even fathom doing such a thing? We are, by our very nature, flawed. How can you place complete trust in a flawed creature?
You tell me, Reader. Is that not a terrifying thought?
Well, it’s even more so when you act upon it. When you actually live it, daily.
Chapter 20
Viatrix
(VEE-ah-tricks)
After less than a week of my arrival, I was being prepared for my own wedding ceremony. Viatrix was explaining all this ancient ritual would entail.
I’d never witnessed a wedding in Vanahirdem. Mine to Varick would’ve been my first experience. In Ashgard, this joining of souls would’ve very much resembled the Life Celebration back in Tamar Broden.
Now that I’m standing here in front of the enchanting Viatrix, her tinkling voice is fading as my mind whisks me back to my own personal experiences with these customs and rituals, societal expectations, necessary traditions.
Aunt Marlise’s Life Celebration had turned into the end of my normal life as I knew it. My wedding day to the noble Vanir warrior, Prince Varick, had ultimately become the day of my execution.
The two most terrifying moments in my life were directly associated with the very thing my dear friend stood before me now explaining in painful detail—custom and ritual.
Damn them both.
“Jenevier? Jenevier? Are you listening, child?” Viatrix’s voice rose. “Jenevier? What’s wrong?”
I felt her hands upon me as my eyelids fluttered. Only then did I realize I was absent breath, my racing heart skipping precious beats. My knees buckled, everything went black for an instant.
“I can’t do this…” I heard my mumbled words blending with the concerned voices of Viatrix and my beloved Vindicus.
My eyes finally focused on his angelic face.
“You scared me halfway to my death, little lady,” he was saying.
“I know not what happened,” Viatrix fretted. “We were talking about your upcoming nuptials. Her eyes rolled back and—”
“Do not forget the implications associated with this child’s concept of customary protocols and divine rituals.” Vybius interrupted the radiant woman’s account of my current state. “Her reality concerning such affairs is morbidly skewed,” he said. “These things have never brought her happiness.” He then leveled a cold glare at my blue Guardian.
“Nay, the opposite, in fact,” Vindicus said coolly. “And do not forget, Brother. While you may be able to read her troubled soul, I alone share it with her. Not a single emotion is hidden from me. I’m the only protection she will ever require.”
Viatrix looked from one celestial sentinel to the other. “Is there contention?” she asked. “Why do brothers speak thusly to one another? Why do you war? And don’t try to hide the truth of it from me,” she warned.
“There is no war, fair seer,” Vybius said. “My brother and I merely have related intentions toward this lovely young maiden.”
Vindicus snorted. “Brother, do you think her feelings for you are hidden from my heart? She loved you from the first moment. Whether she admits it or no, she loved you. But it will never compare to what is eternally between us. No matter how much you wish it to be so.”
“Please stop,” I whispered.
Vindicus helped me up as Viatrix placed a glass of water in my trembling hands.
“I am not the woman I once was. No longer am I the fragile little girl you all witnessed losing control of her heart and mask back in Vanahirdem. I will not pit brother against brother.” I looked then to the beautiful man whose heart I’d broken. “I will always love you, Vybius. And I will be forever grateful for your kindness and gentle love in return. But I belong to Vindicus, and he to me. Eternity won’t change that.”
“No, sweet Princess, you’re not the woman you once were. You are far lovelier, stronger, and more enchanting than she could ever possibly have imagined.” Vybius smiled at me as he turned and left.
“He speaks the truth,” Viatrix whispered. “Now, tell me what makes you tremble so.”
“The thought of being forever in my glorious presence has caused many a maiden to swoon thusly,” Vindicus purred.
I couldn’t help but giggle. Oh God, I loved this man ferociously.
“See the effect you have upon me, great warrior? How shall I ever be able to adapt my simple common self to be worthy your divine awesomeness?” I bit my lip, playfully batting my lashes. “Complete acclimation simply isn’t possible, a futile pursuit, folly at best. I cannot hope to rise even as high as you kneel. And you look exquisite kneeling, by the way.” I gave him my best smirk.
“Okay, enough now, fated lovers,” Viatrix said. “Tell me truly. What vexes you so, Jenevier?”
I looked into her worried eyes. She held my hands, smiling sweet encouragement upon me.
“My black curse and my execution,” I answered honestly.
“Ah, yes.” She nodded. “How could I have been so blind? Apologies, my friend. You carry a daunting past. But you are gloriously and wonderfully remade. Without reservation I tell you now. In ten thousand years, never have I met one such as you.”
“Nor have I,” Vindicus whispered.
“Take heart, child. You are already wed to this pious oaf holding you in his arms. The ritual won’t change that.”
“That’s not my fear,” I admitted.
“Then give words to your worries and see them forever banished,” Viatrix promised.
“…I am absent those very words.”
“Her fear comes not from the present, but from the recollected ghosts of her past,” Vindicus answered.
“Are you my tongue now, dear husband?”
“Only when yours falters, my love.” His tender lips erased any lingering doubts, soothed my mind and filled me with the strength I lacked.
“I love you, Vindicus.”
“And I you, tiny Angel.”
“Well now, since that’s all been settled, shall we continue?” Viatrix chirped.
“Apologies,” I said.
“Not necessary.” She waved my words away as she continued. “You are already bonded in the only way that truly matters. This ritual is simply a way for your friends to celebrate the joys of your love with you.”
“How is it you seem to always know exactly what to say, dear sister?” Vindicus asked.
“Ahh, Brother, a woman cannot share all her mysteries lest she lose her charms.” She winked at me.
“So… all I have to do is meet my husband in the temple in front of my friends?”
“Well there’s a bit more to it, but… that’s the summation of it, yes.”
“A bit more? How much is a bit?”
Viatrix laughed. “Our customs are simple compared to many you may have observed throughout the layers. As I said before, you’re not only joining with our handsome brother here, you’re joining our family as well. Your acceptance by your new brothers and sisters will be the main focus of this lovely ritual.” Her exquisite orange eyes glassed over with precious tears. She gently touched my Guardian’s arm as she whispered, “I never thought the day would come… never believed it was possible… never held out hope for…” Her shaking words choked off in her tightening throat.
“Nor did I,” Vindicus whispered. “Perhaps my punishment comes to an end. I never held out hope for a blessing of any kind, much less one such as her.”
I patted my husband’s hand. “I’m not as wonderful as all that, truly. I fear you’ll come to know soon enou
gh just how exasperating I can be.”
“Little sister,” Viatrix said. “You simply have no idea the miracle that has happened here this day. And I have not the proper words to explain it.”
“Explanations aren’t necessary,” Vindicus said as he gave me a little squeeze.
“Tell me, Viatrix. How will our family’s acceptance be the focus of our public union?” I was sensing she was trying to lessen the sting of something she did not relish telling me. Putting off what she didn’t wish to say.
The elegant seer cleared her throat, discreetly wiped her eyes. “Well, to start with, your dress.”
“My dress?”
“Yes. The most important part of your joining will be the dress you’re wearing when you finally reach good Vindicus here.”
He smiled affectionately down at me, giving me another little squeeze.
“When I reach him? Sister, why do you speak to me in riddles? What is it you’re not saying?”
“She doesn’t wish to worry you, my love. Yet, I believe she stresses over nothing. Truth is, your dress will change upon your journey through the city, based on the people’s acceptance of you.”
“What? You mean I have to change my clothes if they accept me?”
“Not clothes, child—dress,” Viatrix said.
“Okay, so I have to change my dress based on whether the rest of the city likes me or not?”
“You won’t change your dress, tiny Angel,” Vindicus said. “Your dress will change on your journey.”
“Are you both plotting to drive me mad? Why can you not simply answer me?”
“We’re not plotting,” Viatrix said. “It’s actually quite simple. You will wear a lovely white shift, charming and elegant, fitted to your exact size. As you make your way to the ceremony all Vanir will be present, lining the street, bordering your chosen path…” She paused, nervously searching my expression.
