by Jenna Ives
The pain in her chest was a little less excruciating now, but frankly, not having the searing pain to occupy her thoughts meant she had time to think. And thinking was bad. She definitely preferred the oblivion of sleep. After all, being unconscious was easier than remembering what had happened that last day at Beautiful Dolls.
Marque had rejected her. And still, she’d risked her life to save his.
Because I love him!
A love destined to be unrequited.
She’d cried herself back to sleep.
The next time Jai had opened her eyes, it was because her hospital bed was being wheeled down a long green hallway. There was no way to mark the passage of time in this sterile, lonely place, but she supposed being moved to a private room was a positive sign. At least now during the times she managed to force open her eyelids, her bleary gaze sometimes saw Wyatt at her bedside. At other times, it was Commander Rainey. But no Marque. Never Marque.
Not that she honestly expected him.
I love you, Jai…
She must have been completely delirious after she’d been shot, because she could have sworn she’d heard Marque say those precious words in her ear.
Impossible. If he’d said them, he would be here, wouldn’t he? And she was fairly sure that Wyatt had told her on one of his visits that Marque had also survived the attack by Carron. Funny how her ears still seemed to work even when her eyelids refused to open. And she couldn’t speak at all, because of the breathing tube stuck down her throat.
I love you, Jai.
No. She definitely must have been fantasizing those words after taking Carron’s bullet. Marque’s last statement to her at Beautiful Dolls had been, I can’t even stand to look at you. That, she remembered clearly.
Oh, well. It was good Marque had survived. It would be a damned shame for Jai to have thrown herself into the path of a bullet if Marque had been killed.
“Miss Turner? Can you hear me?”
Jai forced her eyes to open. Lately, her hours of consciousness outweighed her hours of sleep, much to her regret.
She stared into the kind face of a white-coated doctor. At least, she figured he must be a doctor. He looked very official. Gray hair. Wire-rimmed glasses. At least sixty.
He smiled. “I’m Maren Jonat. How are you feeling today?”
Actually, she was feeling a little stronger. The pain in her chest was easing by degrees – it was now more of a dull, steady ache, destined to remind her of what had happened. Several times she’d stolen a peak under her hospital gown, only to be faced with the sight of a long, bandaged incision running down her breastbone. Hell. Her heart must have needed some major repair work.
She grunted.
The doctor’s smile widened. “I know you can’t speak with that tube down your throat, but you’re doing so well that we’ll be taking it out later today.”
So she was doing well, was she? How the hell long had she been here?
As if reading her mind – or at least the questioning look in her eyes – the doctor pulled a small pad of paper and a pen out of his lab coat pocket. He offered them to her.
Jai felt one of her eyebrows rise in surprise. She reached out to take what the doctor offered, mindful of the IV needles stuck into the back of both of her hands, and aware of the dangerous swaying of the plastic bags attached to metal stands by her bedside that her motion created.
The doctor pulled up a chair next to her bed, and sat.
Jai squeezed the pen in her right hand. Christ, how weak she was! Very carefully, she wrote on the pad.
How long here?
The doctor nodded. “Five days. You’ve made a remarkable recovery, considering.”
Jai frowned, and scratched again on the pad. Considering what? Bullet?
The doctor cleared his throat. “Miss Turner, the bullet pierced your lung and heart. We’ve re-inflated the collapsed lung – that’s the reason for your breathing tube – but you were clinically dead when you arrived here. The only way to save your life was to implant an artificial organ in your chest.”
Despite the tube in her throat, Jai sucked in a loud breath, and was rewarded with the now-familiar aching in her chest. She had an artificial heart? Dropping the pad and pen, she pulled at the neck of her hospital gown, trying to wrench the garment down far enough to have another look at the long incision in her chest, even as the heart monitor beside her bed began to beep crazily.
The doctor leaned over, and pried her hands away. “Please, Miss Turner, calm down. You’ll be fine. I promise. In fact, you’ll be better than fine.”
The doctor forced her hands back down onto her mattress, and Jai mentally grasped for her yoga mantra. I am relaxed. I am…relaxed. I…am…relaxed. Once she’d taken a few deep, steadying breaths through her nose, the doctor released her hands.
“That’s better,” he approved with a kind smile. “Now. The average hospital stay for recovery after a heart transplant is seven to ten days. With our current technology, there’s no chance of rejection with an artificial heart, so if you continue to improve, we can release you in just another two days.”
Two days? She’d be strong enough to go home in two days?
Well, maybe physically. But how long would it take her to mentally come to grips with the fact she had an artificial heart?
“Now, now. Don’t cry,” the doctor soothed, and Jai was shocked to discover tears were streaming down her cheeks. “With regular checkups, your heart will last longer than most human ones.”
The words were cold comfort. They might medically be true, but...
But it’s not my heart!
What do you need a heart for? The man you love doesn’t love you!
Her tears came harder.
The doctor began to fidget in his chair. “Please, Miss Turner. It will be all right.” He stood. “Maybe I’ll just send in a nurse…”
Jai shook her head violently and grabbed for the pen and paper. She wrote furiously, and then turned the pad to Jonat.
Need time to process.
The doctor nodded. “Of course. I understand completely. I’ll leave you alone, then.” He made a hasty and obviously relieved exit.
The next few hours passed in a blur as Jai tried to stay calm and rationalize her situation. What was the important thing, here? She was alive. Living was better than dying, right? And if it took an artificial heart to keep her alive, then so be it. Besides, it’s not like she could give the device back at this point. And she could still feel with this heart. Hell, the loss of Marque continued to set off a deep ache in her chest.
Jai looked warily at a nurse who stopped in to see her, but the woman hadn’t come to comfort or to psychoanalyze her, but to blessedly take out Jai’s damned breathing tube. One of her IVs was also removed, and Jai noticed an ugly bruise on the back of her left hand where the puncture had been. She rubbed at it idly.
The nurse had just finished pouring Jai a glass of water, raising Jai’s bed to a sitting position, and fluffing a pillow behind her back when Commander Rainey and Leith Wyatt entered her room. Wyatt was carrying a small duffel bag, and Jai stared at the men with mixed feelings.
Visitors are not what I need right now. I’m still trying to process this artificial heart thing…
Both men looked highly uncomfortable to be here, and Jai’s too-efficient new heart registered her reaction on the monitor next to her bed.
Damn it. What now? I can’t deal with anything more today!
The nurse took one look at the beeping machine, and made a small tsk-ing sound at the men. “Don’t upset her.” Then she breezed out the hospital room door.
Wyatt watched her go, and then turned back to Jai. “Hey,” he said, giving her a small smile.
“Hey,” she responded warily, surprised at how scratchy her voice sounded. Well, that’s what a tube down your throat for five days will do to you. She gratefully took a sip of water from the glass next to her bed.
“You’re looking a helluva lot better than the
last time I saw you, Turner,” Rainey said gruffly. This was Talis Rainey’s version of a compliment.
Despite his words, Jai was sure she looked a wreck. It had been five days since she’d showered, after all. She hadn’t even been able to leave her bed to go to the bathroom because of the breathing tube. Still, she appreciated Rainey’s concern. “Thank you, sir.”
Rainey cleared his throat. He looked around the room. He put both hands on the back of the chair that Dr. Jonat had recently vacated. Then, with a sigh, he turned the chair around, straddled it, and sat. “Aw, hell, Turner…”
Jai closed her eyes, but the damned heart monitor gave her away again. She was pretty sure she did not want to hear whatever Rainey apparently dreaded telling her.
“Take it easy, Jai,” Wyatt soothed.
Rainey blew out a loud breath. “Listen. I’m sorry things didn’t work out between you and Marque Callex.”
Jai’s eyes flew open and her eyebrows rose in surprise. What? This was what was making Rainey so uncomfortable? “I don’t understand, sir.” Damn, her throat hurt.
Rainey ran a hand over his thinning grey-black hair. “I know you were in love with Callex.” He couldn’t seem to look Jai in the eye. “In your five years in this job, I’ve never seen you care about anyone, much less a notorious arms dealer. Hell, I thought you were crazy, but through your investigation, we discovered Callex was clean. Working with the High Council. That’s why when Theus contacted me on Thursday afternoon to say Chavis Smith was in custody, I kept the information to myself. Instead of immediately calling off our operation, I wanted to let you have the opportunity on Friday to tell Callex you were human. To give you a chance with him. ”
Jai’s eyebrows reached her hairline. Holy shit. Down deep, her gruff boss was actually a hopeless romantic? Who would have ever guessed? Her artificial heart started aching again.
“Bad decision. One of the worst of my career, Turner. This is all my fault.” Rainey hung his head. “It’s my fault you were at Beautiful Dolls on Friday. You wouldn’t have taken a bullet if I’d shut down the operation on Thursday.”
How odd that Jai was the one injured, yet Rainey was the one in need of comfort.
“It’s not your fault, sir,” she rasped. “I was the one who jumped in front of that bullet. It hadn’t been meant for me. That was my choice, my decision. You have nothing to feel guilty about.”
“Yes, I do,” he sighed. “Because, see…well…because of the heart thing, you can’t come back to the force. You’re being retired. Classified R.I.O.D.”
Retired, injured on duty.
Fuck. They already knew about the heart.
Of course they did. Rainey and Wyatt would certainly have kept track of her condition.
So. No Marque, and now no job to go back to. What the hell was she going to do? Helping to keep peace on Tau Cetus as a police agent had been Jai’s sole purpose in life.
The ache in her chest was suddenly more pronounced.
“It’ll be all right, Jai,” Wyatt soothed, reaching out to brush an unnoticed tear from Jai’s cheek.
Christ, what is it with the tears today? This is all too much for me. I really am an emotional wreck.
It took all of Jai’s control to keep her voice steady. “I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you both to leave now.”
“Jai— ”
“Please, Wyatt. No argument. Do this for me.”
“Aw, hell, Turner…”
Rainey’s sad, hangdog face was almost Jai’s undoing. Her lower lip quivered as Rainey stood, gave her an awkward pat on her shoulder, and turned to leave the room without another word. Wyatt lingered, but Jai wanted none of his sympathy. She needed time to think. Alone.
“Please, Wyatt. Just leave.”
He took a deep breath. “I want you to know that I feel just as guilty as Commander Rainey. If I had come right out to the Beautiful Dolls reception desk instead of taking time to break down the camera equipment, I might have prevented this whole thing. I let down my partner.”
Jai sighed. “Wyatt, it’s not your fault either.”
“I’m just so damned sorry, Jai.” In a rush, Wyatt leaned down to plant a quick kiss on her cheek. “Here.” He dropped the duffel bag he was holding onto the chair Rainey had just vacated. “I brought you the clothes that were in your locker at work. For when you’re…released. Because that thing you were wearing when we brought you in here…”
Dear God. She’d been brought to the hospital in her sexbot sarong. Would she ever be able to forget the scandalous assignment at Beautiful Dolls?
“I’ll always be around if you need anything, Jai. We’re friends. Call me when you get out of here.” Wyatt gave her a meaningful look, then turned and left the room.
Watching him go, Jai could feel the heaviness in her heart, and she absently wondered if it was just the weight of her emotions, or if the device in her chest really was heavy. How much did it weigh, anyway? God, what a strange thing to have to get used to!
But for the next two days, she tried valiantly to do just that. What other choice did she have? This was her life now. Morning and afternoon, she got out of bed and walked the hospital corridors to build up her strength. Morning and afternoon, a nurse would come to check her vital signs, more often than not removing yet another IV or monitoring device. The ache in her chest was always with her, but now it seemed more like background music or white noise – it was there, but easily ignored.
After five days without a shower, the best part of those two days was her sponge baths.
By the seventh day, Jai was feeling strong enough to start thinking about LAM, or ‘life after Marque.’ Maybe she could go into the private protection business. Helping people stay safe was ingrained into her system; it’s who she was. Would she need to disclose her disability if she applied for a job like that?
For one insane moment, she considered applying to replace Marque’s bodyguard Bursus. Marque was the one person who couldn’t possibly hold her injury against her, and this way, she could at least stay close to him physically, if not emotionally.
You are a first-class idiot, Jai. Or else a masochist.
Definitely the masochist. She shoved a hand through her hair.
A small knock drew her attention to the door. Dr. Jonat came in, a smile on his face. “Miss Turner! Good to see you awake and alert.”
Dr. Jonat came to check on Jai’s wound daily, always giving her a positive progress report, and today was no different. He pulled down the neck of her hospital gown and raised her bandage in order to examine the incision. “Excellent.” He picked up the chart attached to the foot of her hospital bed and scanned it briefly. “All your vitals look good.” He glanced up at her and smiled. “I promised if you continued to make progress that you’d only be here for seven days, so if you feel ready, we can discharge you this afternoon, as soon as all your paperwork has been filled out, signed and filed.”
“Really? I can go home today?”
“Yes.”
Jai swallowed. This was good news. Although… the thought of beginning her new life was a little, well, daunting. And going back to her empty apartment was not exactly appealing.
Relax, Jai, no one says you have to do anything right away. Take the time you need to get used to your new reality.
Right.
“Doc? What do I have to do about the heart? Maintenance-wise, I mean.”
Jonat pulled a prescription pad out of his lab coat pocket and scribbled down some information. “This is the name of our best cardiologist. If you have any trouble with the heart, call him. Otherwise, just come in for a check-up every six months or so. Really. It’s as easy as that. Any cardiologist would do, but Dr. Zaria is the best.”
Jai took the piece of paper from Jonat’s outstretched hand. “The incision?”
“Your stitches are subcutaneous, and self-dissolving. Don’t even worry about them.”
Jai nodded uncertainly.
“You’ll be fine, Miss Turner.
In fact, better than fine. In my twelve years of heart surgery, you’ve had one of the better outcomes. You may feel physically weak for a few days, but that’s only because you’ve been in bed for a week. It has nothing to do with your heart. You’re technically well enough to jump on a plane tomorrow if you wanted to. And by now, I’m sure you’ve noticed that the heart works just like a real one would. It races when you’re agitated, and it slows when you’re relaxed. If you don’t tell anyone you have an artificial heart, no one will even know. You’re in perfect health.” He nodded, and then frowned. “So there’s no need to bite your lip like that.”
Jai sighed, released her lip from between her teeth, and gave the doctor a small smile.
“That’s better,” he said brightly. “A nurse will stop by in a while with some forms for you to sign. I’ll see you again briefly right before you leave.” With that, the doctor breezed out the door, and on to his next patient.
Christ, how could Dr. Jonat be so… upbeat? Hell, maybe Jai was lucky. She was still alive, she had a working heart, and she was going home.
Be grateful for small mercies.
With that mental resolution, she decided to get dressed. Digging into the duffel bag Wyatt had brought a couple of days ago, she was grateful to discover her purse, plus her most comfortable pair of jeans and a loose peach-colored sweater. Who would have thought arriving for work last Friday that she’d be wearing these clothes next in a hospital? With a sigh, she laid them on her bed and rooted deeper into the duffel. Wyatt had literally packed everything that had been in her locker at work, including a hairbrush along with a hand mirror that Jai kept taped to the inside of her locker door. In trepidation, Jai held up the mirror.
Oh, dear. She looked like she’d been through the Great War. Her skin was sallow, her eyes were haunted, and she could see the beginnings of her own brown roots growing out from her chic blonde Beautiful Dolls bob.
She was a mess.
