“I ain’t never heard that one, no,” he said, shaking his head, and his beard shook with it.
“Dwarves don’t lie or skate around the truth,” Eva said over her shoulder. “So mind what your body language tells them.”
“How many goblins have you killed?” Regmar asked and offered me his flask.
“I don’t know. Maybe a hundred.”
“A hun’red. Not bad.”
“And I killed the Goblin King. How’s that?”
He sought confirmation from Scarlett, who nodded. “The Goblin King, you say? Well I’ll be a two-peckered billy goat. How did you kill him?”
And on it went up the trail for half an hour, through a cavern full of violet flowers, past a waterfall that wet the mineral-rich rocks embedded in the sandstone, and finally to big metal doors that led to the dwarven stronghold and mountain pass.
I read the golden letters above the door. “Bright Ward. Nice name.”
“Aye, this pass be o’er two thousand years old,” said Regmar.
“’Twas created by our ancestors after the Monster Wars,” said Garthor. “There be elven magic about the defenses, fairy wards, gnome traps, human machines, and dwarven brawn. That be what keeps the monsters at bay. There ain’t been a monster done made it across in a generation, and there ain’t goin’ to be another as long as the Double-Fisted Legion be on patrol!”
“Aye!” yelled the six dwarves, and up on the ramparts, boots stomped stone.
“Open the gates for Garthor, for the Princess o’ Zenfindel seeks passage,” the captain bellowed, and the doors promptly swung open on grating hinges.
We traveled down a well-lit tunnel through the mountain, and for a while the only sound was the heavy clomping of dwarven boots that echoed insanely loud in the corridor. A minute later we walked through another gate, then another, and finally we emerged at the east end of a grand city.
“Welcome to Bright Ward,” said Garthor.
The dwarven city was like the inside of an old English castle. Nearly every square inch of the light blue and gray stone had been cut and smoothed to create beautiful straight lines and sharp corners. Pillars rose to a hundred foot ceiling covered in murals inlaid with silver and studded with gems and other precious stones. The murals depicted a grand battle in which dwarves, humans, elves, gnomes, and other creatures fought alongside each other against a thick tide of monsters.
“The rail will be ready to take you to the other side o’ the mountain shortly,” Garthor told Eva as he led us to a big wooden door. “Until then, your seamstress awaits you, me dear lady.”
“Thank you, Garthor.”
“Your two champions can freshen up while they wait.”
I was led to a bathing room where a big tub of hot water awaited me. My clothes were gathered by dwarven maidens with promises that they would be returned by the time I was finished. I didn’t argue. The water was hot and smelled of flowers, and it did my sore bones a world of good.
As I soaked, I thought about the night before. I’d been with two women before, but I’d never experienced something so sensual, so incredibly erotic in my life.
The girls were still pissed at me, that much was clear, and I didn’t quite understand why. Eva was jealous and full of regret, and it seemed Scarlett was jealous too, but the funny thing was they didn’t take it out on each other. I didn’t know what they wanted from me. They knew I was returning to Earth as soon as the quest was finished. Did they want me to stay? They had alluded to it, but the idea was absurd. I had family, friends, and responsibilities back home.
“Sir Champion?” said a sweet voice.
A stout female dwarf stood in the doorway with her back to me, so as not to disturb my privacy. She was holding my newly cleaned and neatly folded clothes.
“Put them on the bench please.”
I dried off and got dressed, then stepped into the hall and waited for the girls. They emerged about half an hour later, looking like a million bucks. Scarlett wore the same clothes, but the outfit was now squeaky clean, and her fiery red hair had been done up in a thick braid. Eva wore a long white dress that plumed out at the bottom, edged with pink lace trim. Accentuated by a sparkling tiara, her hair had been twisted in a tight braid, and she wore a fresh coat of makeup.
Neither woman said anything to me when they emerged, and their continued silence pissed me off.
“Shall we?” said Eva to Garthor, who stood there looking stunned by her beauty.
“Uh… yes, yes o’ course. Just this w-way,” he stammered.
We loaded into an impressive railcar that seated ten and found a place to sit. The car started slowly but soon gained enough speed to make me worry about crashing. But with no windows, it was hard to tell how fast we were going.
Garthor was intent on talking the princess’s ear off, and Scarlett was snoozing, so I followed her lead and leaned my head against the wall to take a nap. I was a little hung over from the wine, and a headache had been threatening to blossom into a migraine since I got up.
I awoke to the sudden jostling of the railcar and Garthor exclaiming, “Here we be at Haven’s End.”
“Finally!” Eva said. “I thought I would never escape the Badlands.”
I stepped out into bright sunshine. The mountain we had just passed through loomed behind us. Before us a quaint little town stretched for a half a mile. Beyond it was a lush, green valley of rolling hills, farms, and pastures. Zodin’s Eye hung in the south, twice the size of the full moon.
Garthor disappeared for a few minutes and returned with a big wagon led by a team of six horses. The enclosed wagon looked like the medieval equivalent of an armored SUV. Its frame was wood, but it had metal plates on the sides, windows with bars covered with finely-meshed metal curtains, and three armored dwarves with heavy crossbows sitting behind the driver. A procession of no less than a dozen human horsemen lined up behind it.
“Hell of an escort,” I said to Scarlett.
“Nothing is too extravagant for the princess of Zenfindel,” she droned.
We got into the pimped-out carriage, and Garthor led Eva to a separate compartment in back. I followed her, but Eva held up a hand.
“I wish to be alone,” she said imperiously.
“Can you give us a moment?” I asked Garthor.
“That won’t be necessary,” said Eva indifferently. “You shall remain out here and guard my quarters… champion.” She shut the door in my face. Garthor raised his brow.
“Women,” I said, laughing, but he frowned.
I sat on the cushioned bench beside her door. A minute later the driver slapped the reins and steered the team west.
Scarlett glanced at me from the other side of the carriage. There was pity in her eyes, and she got up and walked over.
“We should be in Zenfindel by morning,” she said, sitting beside me.
“Thank god.”
“I’m sorry, Jake,” she said softly.
“For what?” I asked and finally looked at her.
“For acting like a spoiled little brat.” She put her head on my shoulder.
I kissed the top of her head and put an arm around her. “I’m used to chicks fighting over me.”
She straightened and scowled. “Wow, cocky much?”
“I’m just kidding,” I said and pulled her back.
“Eva loves you, you know.”
“Does she? And does it matter? She’s a princess, and I’m a pizza slinger from Earth. Besides, I’m not interested in marriage, here or on Earth.”
“Me either,” she said with a grin.
“All I want at this point is to get to Zenfindel, hand Eva off to her father, and get back home.”
“Then you’re not staying? That’s a shame. I kind of like you, Jake Baker.”
Eva never came out of her quarters, and after a long and bumpy ride, we finally reached the border to Zenfindel. The dwarves must have sent riders ahead of our arrival, because we were greeted by no less than fifty mounted knights and
about a hundred foot soldiers. There was another wagon waiting as well, to carry the princess the rest of the way.
When Eva finally appeared at Garthor’s request, she looked like she had been crying. I thought she wanted to say something to me, but she followed the dwarf captain out the door without a word.
Scarlett and I followed. A tall Zenfindelian general was waiting.
“Princess,” he said with relief and amazement.
Everyone bowed to her and some even wept.
“General Brahn,” she acknowledged with a nod and a smile. “My mother and father did not come to greet me?”
“They eagerly await your return,” he said and gestured to the royal carriage, this one even more pimped out than the last and led by a team of ten horses. “I have instructions to escort you the rest of the way home.” The general turned to Garthor and bowed respectfully. “The king acknowledges the efforts of the dwarves in returning the princess to her home, and he is forever grateful.”
“We be appreciatin’ that gesture, sir. But we only brought her from the pass. ’Twas this man and this lass done brought her out o’ the badlands.”
“General Brahn,” said Eva, “this is Jake Baker, champion of Celesta, warrior from the Planet Earth. He is responsible for my rescue. And this is Scarlett Black of Clan Black. Without them I would still be a prisoner of the Goblin King.”
The general and his men bowed before me. “Gods bless you, good man and good lady.”
“Thank you,” I said and returned the bow. “But my job is not yet finished. As the princess’s champion, I would see her all the way to the arms of her father.”
“Of course,” he said and gestured toward the entourage. “We’ve horses to spare for the rescuers of our beloved princess.”
“Very well,” I said. “Unless Her Highness wishes us to ride with her.”
Eva’s eyes found mine, and I saw a mix of emotions. There was longing, sorrow, regret, but also a distant resignation.
“Thank you, my champion, but I wish only to rest.” She was coldly formal, and it broke my damn heart.
“As you wish, my lady,” I said stiffly.
Scarlett shook her head in disbelief.
I rode beside her behind the carriage. We talked along the way, but we were too close to the escort to speak of anything personal. She told me about the land and the different towns and villages we passed through, and everywhere we went, the people came running to see the large procession pass by.
“We love you, Princess Evangeline!” men and women alike called.
Word of her return had spread faster than wildfire, for when we finally reached the city gates the next morning, thousands of people were gathered to greet her.
The ride had been long and hard, but my tiredness fled when we entered the city. Zenfindel was a city right out of a medieval fairytale. Waddle and daub houses lined the streets, along with pubs, restaurants, liveries, and a variety of shops. Men, women, and children in their Sunday best crowded the streets, and roses rained down on our procession from the rooftops. In the distance Everdyn Castle stood bright and tall.
Merry bells sounded as we rode along, and soon we passed through the castle gates and stopped in an expansive courtyard. There were hundreds of people there, but these lords and ladies wore much fancier clothes than the commoners.
I dismounted as trumpets blared. The crowd gawked at the carriage and waited for Eva to emerge, but she didn’t come out. A hush settled over them, and the king and queen appeared at the top of the stairs leading into the castle.
“All bow for King Gendry and Queen Millesa!” said a man with a deep voice.
We bowed, and the king and queen took their sweet time walking from the castle to the carriage. The king was a tall man in his fifties and reminded me of a bearded captain Jean-Luc Picard. The queen resembled a curly -haired Cameron Diaz.
They ignored me and Scarlett, though we stood directly in front of the carriage door.
“General Brahn,” said the king loudly. “Where is my daughter?”
“Sire,” I said, and he looked at me as though he had only just noticed me. “I have traveled many miles to say these words.”
The king and queen—indeed everyone within earshot—waited on my words with bated breath.
“I am proud to finally return Princess Evangeline to you,” I announced and extended an arm to the carriage door.
It opened, and Eva, looking ravishing, stepped out. The crowd gasped, clapped, and then cheered.
“Eva!” the queen cried and embraced Eva, who had rushed down the carriage steps.
“My beloved angel,” said the king with a proud smile and a tear in his eye.
The crowd cried and hugged each other. An orchestra sprang up suddenly, and roses fell from the castle’s high towers. A roar rumbled like thunder from above, and we all looked up to see a dragon flying over the castle, belching green flames.
“Holy shit,” I said.
Scarlet winked.
The king raised his arms, and the crowd and music abruptly fell silent. “Praise the gods!” he said in reverence and upturned eyes. “For today Evangeline has been returned to us!”
The king gestured to me and Scarlett. “And what are the names of my daughter’s rescuers?”
Eva stepped forward. “This is Jake Baker, champion of the Goddess Celesta, warrior of Planet Earth, slayer of the Goblin King.” The crowd erupted in surprised whispers. “Jake saved my life more than once and guided me through the Badlands for over a week so I might be returned to you all.”
“The Goblin King is dead?” King Gendry asked hesitantly.
“Yes, my lord,” I said with a bow.
“How did you do it?”
“Sorry, sir?”
“How did you kill the Goblin King?”
You could have heard a pin drop as everyone waited for my response.
“My lord, I split his head in two with my enchanted pizza shovel,” I said, hooking a thumb at the weapon strapped to my back.
A satisfied grin spread across the king’s face, and he put a hand on my shoulder. “Take a knee, Jake Baker,” he said, and the crowd took in a shocked breath.
I glanced at Eva, who was smiling at me, and… were those tears?
I took a knee and bowed my head. The king unsheathed a long broadsword. He placed the flat edge on my left shoulder.
“By the power vested in me by the gods of old, I dub thee Sir Jake Baker. I also name you Lord of Myrwood Manor and give to you all properties, servants, and titles attached therein.” He raised the sword and moved it to my right shoulder, tapping it lightly. “Rise, Sir Jake!”
I stood tall before him, and the crowd cheered. The king shook my hand and leaned in to offer me personal thanks.
“Thank you, Sire,”
Eva stepped forward and gestured at Scarlett, who was making an attempt to back away from the spotlight.
“Jake and I had the help of this woman too, and in our time together we have grown as close as sisters. I present to you Scarlett Black of Clan Black, ranger of the Badlands, slayer of Giants, and most importantly, my friend.”
Scarlett teared up and hugged the princess, and there wasn’t a dry female eye in the crowd.
“Scarlett Black,” said the king. Scarlett wiped her eyes and turned to face him. “How is Red? I haven’t seen him in an age.”
“He’s still the same old Red, with a few more scars, my lord,” she said with a grin that was infectious.
The king laughed and nodded. “That is good to hear.”
“Clan Black helped us to defeat a horde of goblins near the mountain pass,” Eva announced. “Had it not been for their help, we may have fallen in the shadow of the Monster Bane Mountains.”
“Is that so?” said the king. “Take a knee, Miss Black.”
She looked to Eva and me with surprise and trepidation. Eva nodded to her reassuringly.
Scarlett knelt and bowed her head, and the king placed his sword on her shoulder.
“Scarlett Black, for your assistance in returning my daughter to me, I name you Lady Scarlett Black, Revered Guardian of the East, and bestow upon you White River Crossing and all lands, deeds, and titles that go along with it. Rise, Lady Black!”
She got to her feet and bowed before the king. “Lands and titles and all are great, my lord, but I was under the impression there was a $1 million gold reward for the princess’s safe return.”
The king laughed. “Right you are, Lady Black. The monetary reward shall be bestowed upon you too.”
“Thank you, my lord.” She took her place beside me, vibrating with excitement.
King Gendry hugged his daughter, then addressed the onlookers. “From this day forth, today shall be celebrated as a kingdom-wide holiday! Dear subjects, let the celebration begin!”
I desperately wanted to talk to Eva alone, but Scarlett and I were whisked off to the castle by the king’s servants.
“Where are you taking us?” I asked the bald man ushering us inside behind about six royal guards.
“To prepare for tonight’s feast,” he said, looking down his nose at my attire. “Gods willing, we just might be able to make you presentable by then.”
“What the hell does that mean?” I asked Scarlett, who laughed.
We were taken to separate rooms, and the next thing I knew I was being bathed, groomed, and measured by an army of servants. All the while, I was required to recite the story of the princess’s rescue to a pair of scribes. They raised their eyebrows when I told them I’d been summoned to Tarth from another planet, and I left out the bits about me and the girls getting all hot and heavy. By the time I finished the account, the sun was two hours past midday.
I was presented with a variety of different outfits, but they were all way too frilly and colorful.
“I’m a warrior,” I reminded them, “A fucking champion of a goddess. I’m not wearing that girly shit. Find something else or give me back my clothes.”
After numerous failed attempts at getting it right, they finally presented me with an outfit I thought might work. I put it on and checked myself in the huge mirror. It was black and silver, and while it was kind of weird wearing what was basically a leather skirt over black pants and shin-high boots, it looked good on me.
Monster World Page 22
