by Iris Gower
He rose from his chair, thrusting his hands into his pockets, his shoulders were hunched as though he wanted to get away from her. She knew she was pressing him unwisely but she couldn’t stop herself.
‘The babies, they are going to be … to be …’ She couldn’t bring herself to say the words and he turned round and looked at her levelly.
‘Illegitimate. You knew all along I didn’t want to marry again,’ he said quietly. ‘I don’t want to be tied to any woman, Ellie, not even you.’ He took her in his arms.
‘I’ll always care for the children and for you, I promised you that much and I meant it but I’m afraid that is going to have to do.’
Ellie swallowed hard. She didn’t want to cry. It was weak and Calvin would only be impatient with her and yet it was so difficult to keep the tears at bay.
‘I’m going to leave you then, Calvin.’ Her mind was suddenly crystal clear. She didn’t want Calvin’s charity, she wanted his love and if she didn’t have that, she had nothing.
Instead of protesting, he looked at her in silence for a long moment and she knew he was waiting for her to retract the words but she couldn’t.
‘If that is your final word then leaving me is your prerogative,’ he said. ‘I’ll care for you financially but I cannot change my mind about marriage.’
‘So be it, Calvin,’ she said regretfully.
‘I don’t want you to go away from me, Ellie,’ his voice softened. ‘If you reconsider, I’ll understand. You’ll always be welcome to live here at my expense but that’s all I can offer. I’m sorry. Now, I’m going out. I’ll be going home for supper so don’t wait up for me.’
She wanted to go into his arms, beg him to forget her hasty words but something held her back, perhaps it was the knowledge that she had meant all she’d said, perhaps it was the distant look that had come into his eyes, but she remained silent.
She watched from the window as he strode along the street. He was walking into town instead of taking a cab, obviously he wanted to clear his thoughts, forget about Ellie and the problems she caused. When he was out of sight, she sank back into a chair and looked around her at the elegant room, a cheerful fire burning in the ornate grate. Calvin could offer her luxury, he had everything he wanted in life except perhaps one thing, the woman he loved and she, Ellie, couldn’t fill that gap.
Ellie knew more about Calvin than he realized; she knew that in the night, when he was asleep, he sometimes murmured a name, so softly and so lovingly that she felt her heart sink with the pain of it.
She must accept things as they were, she told herself briskly and not brood on what was not hers. But she couldn’t help remembering his voice when he was asleep, so full of tenderness and regret. He spoke in a way he never spoke to her and the name he uttered so lovingly was Arian.
Calvin was unsettled by Ellie’s news. He wanted children, he wanted sons, just as most men did but not like this. It was Arian who should be the mother of his offspring, Arian he wanted at his side at all times, in his bed and in his arms at night.
He walked briskly into town and made his way deliberately towards the imposing offices of the Swansea Times and stood across the street, looking up at the windows as if expecting Arian herself to appear there. But of course she didn’t.
After a while he turned to walk away, striding along the roadway with his head bent. He almost collided with a woman hurrying towards him and there she was.
‘Arian!’ They stood for a moment staring at each other and then she smiled at him, her eyes sparkling with light.
‘Arian, I love you.’ He didn’t know for a moment if the words were in his head or if he’d spoken them out loud but Arian was blushing, the contours of her face softening.
‘I love you, too, Calvin. It’s just a pity we didn’t both do something about it a long time ago.’
He held her in his arms, there in the street, and she rested her head for a moment against his shoulder. They were close, so close. Calvin closed his eyes, breathing in the clean scent of her. She moved away from him then but he held onto her hand.
‘Please, stay with me for just a little while. Let’s walk in the park, go to the tea-rooms, the Castle’s just down the road. Don’t leave me, not yet.’
Side by side they walked along the street unaware of the people around them, happy just to be together. It was magical. With her hand in his, the day was brighter, the air sweeter, the sea coming in to the shore soft and friendly. Calvin led her into the hotel and they sat surrounded by potted palms, listened to the sweet sounds of the string quartet and quietly, inconsequentially, they talked.
‘I had you there in my house and I let you go, allowed you to be taken in by a charlatan like Simples. What a fool I was.’
‘It all seems so long ago now.’ Arian’s voice was soft with the remembering. ‘I was too gullible for my own good. But then, I thought I could make the best of things, be a success in business and, yet for all my strivings, I turned out to be a failure, most of all in my marriage.’
‘It wasn’t your fault, none of it. I was the fool, I should have kept you when I had you.’
‘It’s all in the past now, behind us. We can’t change anything. I’m married to Gerald whether I like it or not.’
‘Marriage to a dangerous madman is an awful fate for anyone. Let me take you away from here, we could make a fresh start.’
‘Could we?’ Arian’s voice was so low he hardly heard her words. ‘What about Ellie? She needs you. She’s a sweet trusting girl. And remember, Swansea is my home, I don’t want to run away from it. In any case, I love the newspaper business and I am, at last, making a success of something. I feel a sense of fulfilment every time an issue comes out, that’s some compensation for all the other disappointments I’ve suffered.’
‘So philosophical,’ Calvin smiled ruefully, ‘and so young into the bargain.’
‘Am I young?’ Arian looked up into his face and he longed to hold her close to kiss her sweet mouth. ‘I feel older than the hills.’
‘You’re beautiful, all I could ever want in a woman.’ Calvin took her hand. ‘Arian, I want to be with you so much, in any way I can.’
‘But you have your Ellie,’ Arian withdrew from him. ‘You are going to be a father.’
Calvin sighed. ‘I know.’ He sensed Arian’s hurt and looked at her levelly. ‘I make no apologies. I’m a man, I have needs but I’ve never been false. I’ve never told Ellie that I’d marry her. I’ll take care of her always, look after her always, she’ll want for nothing.’
‘Except a husband and a father for her children,’ Arian said softly.
He watched her expression. ‘Are you telling me I should marry, then?’ He felt a pang of anger, anger which had nothing to do with Arian and a great deal to do with his own guilt.
‘I’m not in a position to tell you to do anything, Calvin,’ her voice trembled. ‘We’ve both made so many mistakes, just be careful you don’t make another one.’
‘If I married Ellie for the wrong reasons,’ Calvin said calmly, ‘I would be making a mistake.’
Arian hung her head and Calvin, watching her, felt a rush of pain that he would never hold her, never make love to her, never make her his wife. It had been a wonderful dream but it was only a dream.
Arian touched his hand and her fingers rested light and cool against his own.
‘Oh, Calvin, why couldn’t we have done things differently?’ She sighed and he knew she was feeling the same sense of hopelessness as he was.
He wanted to persuade her to come with him now, to abandon everything and flee abroad, the Canary Islands perhaps, where the sun shone most of the time or further afield in America, far from the grey streets of Swansea. The words died on his lips as Arian spoke.
‘I must get back to the newspaper, Calvin. I’ve been away too long as it is.’
‘Is it that important to you then?’ He sounded a little bitter and she shrugged.
‘It’s all I’ve got and I must make the mo
st of it.’ She stood up and he rose to his feet at her side. She looked up at him.
‘Calvin, there’s going to be a reception at the city hall in my honour, please say you’ll come.’
‘I’ll be there.’ He felt dismissed, a feeling he didn’t much like but Arian was wiser than he was. There was no running away, not for them, not now. It was far too late for that.
He turned, hearing a sound, and saw Gerald Simples walking across the foyer, he must have been eavesdropping on their conversation. He made to speak to Arian, to warn her but she’d gone and all he could see was the door swinging shut behind her.
When he returned home, it was to find a note lay on his desk and he opened it, straightening out the paper, reading the words slowly so that he would understand them clearly. Ellie had gone home to her parents. They, she told him, would take care of her and the children. She wanted no further contact with him.
He sighed as he crumpled the paper in his hand. It was a time of change, might it not be also a time of new beginnings?
The reception was held in the Guildhall. The steps beneath the splendid facade with its Grecian pillars were awash with people. Ladies in splendid gowns stepped from carriages and swept under the portico. Gems glittered at throat and arms and in glossy hair. It was a spectacular occasion when the owner of the newly formed Swansea Times was being fêted by the city fathers.
And yet Arian felt alone, even though she had Mac at her side and her staff, from reporters to machine operators around her, she felt isolated from the crowd.
The mayor came forward and shook her hand and spoke some words of congratulation. Arian nodded and made the right responses and accepted his offer to help her greet the guests.
Arian knew most of them, they were the élite of Swansea. In the crowd she could see Emily Miller and her husband John, with them was John’s daughter Sarah and her husband Geoffrey Frogmore. Looking at them, no-one would suspect the secrets of their strange marriage.
‘Arian, how lovely to be invited to your reception.’ Hari Grenfell took her hand and squeezed it, she had always been a warm, generous person and her delight was genuine. At her side, Craig Grenfell was tall, elegant and imposing, a handsome, positive man, who clearly loved his wife dearly.
It seemed that most of the guests had arrived and the mayor excused himself and moved to join a group of other dignitaries. Arian felt free now to look out for Calvin. If he didn’t come, the evening would be empty.
She felt Mac take her arm. ‘Would you like a drink, Arian? It’s champagne, the best.’
Arian sipped the drink. ‘I’ve never tasted better champagne but you, Mac, I expect you are an expert at that sort of thing.’
He winked at her mischievously. ‘I’m an expert at a great many things, my dear boss.’
Just when the mayor was preparing to make his formal speech of congratulation, she caught sight of Calvin from the corner of her eye. She smiled at him and for a moment it was as though there was no-one but the two of them in the spacious elegant room. Arian made her way to Calvin’s side and her eyes met his.
‘Don’t look at me like that, Arian,’ he said huskily. ‘I might forget myself and take you in my arms right here in front of everyone.’
‘As I feel now, I wouldn’t care one little bit. All I wanted was for you to be here. I’m so glad you could be with me tonight.’ He took her hand and looked down at her his eyebrows raised. She put her finger over his lips.
‘Don’t ask questions. Let’s just enjoy what we have now, at this moment.’ She was so happy, so keyed up with the excitement of it all. Tonight, anything seemed possible, even that she and Calvin might one day be together.
Gerald Simples stood in the elegantly furnished room in the Castle Hotel and stared at himself in the mirror. He looked well, he thought with satisfaction. He chuckled and yet the sound was menacing. Earlier, Gerald had gone to the bank and taken out quite a large amount of cash. With some of the money he’d bought himself a new outfit. It wouldn’t do to turn up at Arian’s party looking anything but a gentleman.
All he needed now was for Candida to bring him his fresh supply of laudanum. He’d taken none, not in the last few hours and by now, he was itching for it – it would make him feel good, confident at the Guildhall reception.
He would have to go soon, the reception would be in full swing by now. He smiled. His dear wife would have the surprise of her life to see him. His appearance would undoubtedly prove to her that they were meant to be together, she was half convinced about it already, he could tell by the way she had jealously begged him to rid himself of Candida.
It would be a relief to leave the avid Candida behind him, to put her out of his life. He was tired of her advances. Indeed once or twice lately, he had been unable to fulfil his duties towards her beneath the sheets. She had tried to make him go easy on the laudanum, blaming that for his reluctance rather than take the blame herself.
He rubbed at his head. He wished the clouds would leave him alone. They came like a grey mist, unbidden and covered his mind. He shook his head for a moment, he couldn’t see his own reflection in the mirror and then his vision cleared.
The door opened and Candida came in and to his surprise, she didn’t even notice he was dressed to go out. He’d expected her to make a fuss, to beg him to stay in with her, she was nothing if not possessive.
‘Gerald, darling,’ she seemed agitated, ‘I’ve got some bad news for you.’ She closed the door and came towards him, her hands held out almost in supplication.
‘They found me out, took away my key to the medicine cupboard. I’m sorry, my darling, I can’t get you any more laudanum.’
She was babbling. He caught her shoulders and held her fast. ‘What are you talking about?’ His throat hurt, his mouth was dry, she must have something for him, some small bottle perhaps.
‘You’ve got me some, just for tonight, until I can arrange to buy some for myself? You wouldn’t let me down like that, would you?’
She shook her head. ‘I couldn’t get it, Gerald, you don’t understand.’ Her eyes were moist, her face seemed to dissolve. ‘I might be dismissed from my job and I did it all for you.’
‘You’ve got nothing for me, nothing at all?’ He stared into her face and watched with horror as she shook her head. He put his hand around her throat. ‘You must have something, just a little laudanum. You’re just teasing because you want to have me beg. All right, I’ll beg. Please, please, Candida, give me the medicine, I need it, you know I need it.’
She was shaking her head, trying to get away from him but he couldn’t allow her to go. He must keep pressing, pressing. She struggled helplessly and he pressed harder, he wouldn’t release her, didn’t she understand, he couldn’t let her go, not until she closed those terrible eyes.
She struggled, kicked at him, hurt him, she should never do that, he’d always been good to her. She tried to speak but her tongue seemed to be in the way. She was ugly, grotesque, why had he ever thought her beautiful?
He shook her and heard something snap and then she was quiet and that pleased him. She was slack in his arms and he set her down on the bed and straightened his clothes. He didn’t have time to talk to her any more, he had something important to do, what was it? Ah, the celebration, his dear sweet wife’s night of triumph. She would be anxious, wanting him there at her side. He must go.
He left the room and closed the door, locking it carefully. He didn’t want anyone prying into his private possessions. Someone might steal his money, might come in and see Candida in his bed, that would upset Arian.
His knife he had put in his boot, the cold steel was against his leg. It gave him a sense of power and he needed his power tonight for this was going to be his great moment. Tonight Arian would be his again.
Arian was standing close to Calvin. He secretly touched her hand, twining his fingers in hers. Happiness filled her, so much happiness, she knew it couldn’t last, it was a dream and yet didn’t she deserve to dream, just thi
s once?
There was a sudden feeling of someone standing uncomfortably close to her. She glanced over her shoulder. Gerald Simples was so near he could have touched her. She shuddered. He was watching her, his eyes strange and he licked his lips as though he had difficulty in finding words to speak to her.
He appeared a little nervous but otherwise quite in control. He was well dressed, his clothes elegant and obviously new.
‘Arian, I’m here.’ His voice was a croak and Arian flashed an anguished look at Calvin who was suddenly tense, his jaw clenched together, his eyes hard.
Gerald took her in his arms and Arian, aware of the curious, staring eyes, accepted his embrace.
In the silence, Arian heard Mac deliberately begin a conversation. In minutes, the room was back to apparent normality, the guests chattering as though nothing had happened.
‘What are you doing here?’ Calvin said in a low, hard voice. ‘You must know you’re not welcome.’
‘You don’t understand,’ Gerald’s voice was a threat. ‘She wants me back.’
‘Please, Calvin, don’t make a scene.’
Arian turned to Gerald. ‘Let’s go into another room, we must talk.’
He looked at her and the look made her shiver. ‘You’re not, not …’ He put his hand to his head. ‘What was I going to say?’
‘Look Simples, this is neither the time nor the place,’ Calvin spoke quietly. ‘Why don’t you go away and allow Arian to enjoy her evening?’
Gerald didn’t turn round. ‘Keep out of this!’ He was facing Arian but it was as though he didn’t see her. His eyes gleamed, his voice was rising. ‘You’ve always wanted to bed my wife, think I don’t know a ram when I see one?’
People were turning, staring. Quite a few of the guests who had been the subject of Mac’s gossip column were enjoying Arian’s embarrassment.
‘Gerald, be quiet,’ Arian spoke angrily. ‘I will not have a scene here, do you understand me?’
As soon as the words sunk into his mind, Gerald became enraged. He caught Arian by the throat and held her against the wall, a knife suddenly appearing in his hands.
