by Lynn Stevens
“Anyway, back to the matter at hand.” Lena moved toward Ryder and slid into his arms. It was like she knew they’d open for her instantly. She stared at him as she dropped the bomb. “We’re going to Vegas.”
“And we want you guys to come with us.” Ryder added. He bent to kiss her nose.
Jealousy swelled in my chest.
“Okay, when?” Josh asked.
“Three weeks.”
I sat up and stared at them both like they’d lost their minds. Lena’s mom would flip out, not that I cared, but still, Lena should. And I couldn’t afford a ticket to Vegas or a hotel room or a dress or a day off work.
Lena glanced at me, her eyes widened. “Oh, honey, don’t panic.” She knelt beside me and took both of my hands in hers. “We booked the trip this morning through a travel agent. And I called your boss to get those days off in advance. You don’t have to worry about a single thing.”
“Yeah, it’s our treat.” Ryder added with a solemn nod. “Plus, you could use a vacation, Val.”
“Hey, what about me?” Josh whined.
Ryder reached over and smacked him upside the head. “You deserve a kick in the ass.”
“Now, that’s no way to treat a Marine who’s been shot twice in the last few years.”
“Three times in the last five.” Ryder shook his head. “Maybe you shouldn’t go with us. I’m sure some stray bullet would end up in your other asscheek.”
Lena leaned away from me and stared at Josh. “You got shot in the ass?”
Josh slapped his hands on his knees and pushed himself to his feet. “Well, kids, it’s been fun, but I have some things to do back at the ranch.” He stopped in front of me with his hand out. “Coming with?”
The obedient little girl inside me tried to stand, but I pushed her back down. “No, I want more details.”
Josh bobbed his head. “You’re right. We need more details.” He glanced over his shoulder. “Flight plan, Sarge?”
Ryder chuckled. “Leave on the seventeenth at oh-seven-hundred. Return on the twentieth around twenty-one-hundred.”
“Good enough for me. I’ll dig out my Speedo for the ladies.” Josh moved toward the door after picking up all the grocery bags, including the ones I had been carrying. “Val, you got your key?”
I patted my pocket, a little overwhelmed he hadn’t demanded me to come with him. “Yeah.”
“See ya later.”
The door closed with a small click. Not a slam. I still flinched.
Lena put her hand on my shoulder. “He’s not –”
I held up my hand to stop her. “I know. It’s just …” I glanced at Ryder who stared at us with the intensity of a drill sergeant. He shook his head and left the room without another word.
“We worry about you, Val.” Lena stood and moved to the couch, pulling me down beside her. “It’s been over six months and you still haven’t … I just want you to be okay, and you never talk about it.”
I felt myself shutting down, turning into a mute again. My chest tightened at the mere thought of telling Lena anything. She’d taken me in, given me a place to stay, and never asked a thing from me.
“Please, know that you can tell me anything, Valerie. No matter how much it hurts.”
Tears pooled in my eyes. She was my savior, and she didn’t even know why. “I had to run,” I whispered, unable to face her. “I had to run or he’d kill me one day. Maybe not on purpose, but maybe he would.” I shrugged like it was no big deal, but it was a huge deal. “I don’t know.”
Lena rubbed my arm. “Why do you say that, honey?”
I was back in my room the night before the wedding. My wedding. Sam didn’t even knock on the door. As usual, he pretended to be half-drunk, but I knew better. He never touched alcohol. He liked control too much to drink. His eyes burned like the fires of hell.
“You think you can fucking cheat on me, Valerie,” he screamed.
I ducked beside my bed, half-naked and completely terrified. My mouth locked up, because no matter what I said, he’d already made up his mind. Professing my innocence didn’t matter. The truth didn’t matter. Only my survival did.
“You’re fucking my best man two nights before the wedding and you think I won’t find out about it!” He grabbed my arms, hard enough to hurt, but not hard enough to leave bruises. Sam always knew where to hurt me.
He lifted me onto the bed and threw me against the wooden headboard. Concussions never show. The back of my head throbbed, but I’d completely shut down. This had happened so much in the last year, since he put that ring on my finger. I’d tried to break it off, but he always came back stronger than ever. Things would be great for a few months, then for only a few weeks, until it was to the point I didn’t know how I’d gotten so involved and I had no idea how to get out.
I didn’t struggle as he raped me. He’d told me it wasn’t rape if we were engaged. It wasn’t the first time it had happened like this, but it was the first time I actually thought he might kill me. His hand tightened around my neck, cutting off the air. I prayed for death. I prayed for anything to free me from this life I’d mistakenly chosen. Before he finished with me, I passed out.
When I woke up, I grabbed my overnight bag and took off before the sun rose with nothing but the twenties I’d stolen from his wallet. I didn’t have a plan. I didn’t know where to go. I didn’t know anything except I needed to get out.
The cash was just enough for a bus ticket to Chicago.
Lena’s mascara ran down her cheeks like the River Styx. I hadn’t even realized I’d spoken out loud until her fingernails dug into my skin. Then I couldn’t stop. I told her everything Sam had done to me, everything I’d tried to tell my mother. Reliving the memories stabbed me all over again.
“Oh, honey,” Lena said as she pulled me into a hug. “How could he do that to you?”
My voice kept the even keel I’d learned to adopt over a year ago. “He didn’t care. All he wanted was to control someone. That someone just happened to be me.”
“You sound so disconnected.”
“I guess I am in a way. I just …” Whatever separated me from the things that happened disappeared. I’d felt it all, but I’d never let myself feel it with another person around. The walls crashed around me and every single emotion raged out like Pandora’s box. Lena held me while I fought it off, then while I succumbed to it all. “I can’t go back, Lena. I can’t … He’ll steal me away again. I’ll never ….”
“He’s not going to take you anywhere, Val. I won’t let him. Ryder won’t let him. Josh definitely won’t let him get near you.” Lena leaned away from me and wiped the tears from my eyes before moving on to hers. “We’ll keep you safe.”
Keep me safe. The words echoed in my head. I liked the way it sounded. Nobody’d ever wanted to keep me safe. My father had but that was a parental obligation. After he died, my mom wanted to get me out of the house. I was a burden to her. When I meet Sam, she saw dollar signs and prestige. She refused to see the monster even when I offered up evidence.
I didn’t want to be an inconvenience to Lena, or Ryder, and definitely not Josh. Maybe she did want to keep me safe, but I refused to hassle anyone else with my problems. It was time to prove I could take care of myself. It was time to grow up.
Josh wasn’t downstairs when I got back a few hours later. I could hear his gentle snoring drift down the steps of the loft bedroom. Creeping into my room as quietly as I could, I reached into the top drawer of the dresser and pulled out the ring box. I didn’t open it. I knew the three-carat diamond ring was inside. Before work the next day, I’d walk to the post office and ship it back. Maybe then he’d realize he no longer controlled me. Maybe then he’d leave me alone.
“Val?” Josh knocked on my door. “You okay?”
I’d lost track of time as I stared at the ring box on my bed. “Yeah. You can come in.”
The door creaked open. I don’t know when I stopped locking it at night, but I didn’t even think about
it. The same with the bathroom door. I just didn’t feel like I needed to anymore. The bed dipped where he sat beside me. Josh tucked a lock of hair behind my ear. His fingers drifted to my shoulder where he began kneading my knotted muscles.
“I have to send this back.” I pointed to where it sat inches from my ankle.
“Okay. What can I do?”
I leaned back against him, never taking my eyes off the box. Josh’s arm wrapped around my shoulder. “Promise me I’ll be safe. Promise me he’ll never hurt me again.”
“As long as I’m around, nobody’ll hurt you.” He pressed his cheek against my hair. “And I hope you’ll keep me around, Val.”
I wanted to tell him I would, but I couldn’t. As long as that ring was still in my possession, there was a connection to Sam. Technically, I ended our engagement when I didn’t show for the wedding, but it didn’t feel over as long as I had the diamond.
“I want to move forward,” I whispered. “I want to feel safe walking down the street. I want to feel like I can go somewhere without looking over my shoulder.” I turned to face him so he’d understand what I really needed to say to him. “I want to feel as safe as I do with you.”
Josh leaned toward me, brushing his lips across mine. It was barely a kiss, but I felt it in every inch of my body.
“Sorry, I shouldn’t have –”
I put my hand over his mouth. Josh’s eyes locked with mine as my fingers traced his lips. “I … I need to be free of him before I can …” My hand slipped around his neck, pulling him closer. “But I don’t want you to stop.”
His soft lips found mine again. I’d kissed my share of guys, and none of them kissed me as if I might break. Josh’s lips caressed mine, moving in a rhythm of someone who wanted to remember every bit of this moment. I leaned into him as the pressure built inside me. The sense of urgency increased. Josh’s fingers stroked my cheek.
“Do you know how long I’ve wanted to do that?” he asked when he finally broke free. I shook my head. “Since the moment I first saw you. And the more I got to know you, the more I’ve wanted to kiss you.”
I opened my mouth, but it was his turn to cover my mouth with his hand.
“You’ve … I know you’ve got some things to work through.” He nodded toward the box sitting on the bed, the one his kisses helped me forget. “I’m here for whatever you need. But you need to understand something.” He pinned me with his eyes. “I will never do anything to hurt you. And I’ll take out anyone who does.”
“Stay with me,” I whispered. “Tonight, just stay in here.”
A small smile broke through the intensity covering Josh’s face. Instead of replying, he helped me off the bed and tugged the comforter down. The shaking in my hands had to be obvious as I slid under the covers. Josh tucked us in, pulling me against him. He pressed a kiss to my temple and started talking about his sister, Stephanie. I snuggled against his shoulder, drifting off into the best sleep I’d had in years.
Chapter Seven
When I woke the next morning, Josh’s gentle snores lifted my hair. I couldn’t help the giggle that escaped. His arms tightened around me, pressing my body closer against his.
“What’re you laughing at?” he whispered.
“You’re snoring.” I pursed my lips to hold in another giggle.
“I don’t snore.”
He kissed my hair and slid his hand along my stomach, his pinky finger grazing the bare skin between my shirt and my shorts. My breath hitched in my throat. Josh’s lips moved to my ear, then down along my neck to my shoulder. Each kiss quaked deeper inside me and I rolled onto my back. His lips devoured mine as his hand slipped under the thin fabric, kneading at the edge of my ribs. Bile rose in my stomach. He couldn’t know. He wouldn’t want to touch me like this if he knew.
I turned away from him, kicking a small hard object off the bed. It took me a minute to realize what it was. When I did, I sat up, covering my mouth with my hands. I couldn’t do this with him. Not until that ring was out of my possession. Not until Sam was out of my life. As long as I had that ring, it wasn’t truly over. But then what? Once Josh knew who I really was, he’d be done with me. I dropped my head, digging my fingers into my scalp. Either way, I’d lose what little happiness I had. Sam ruined me for anyone else.
Josh reached for me, his fingers gliding along my arm. “It’s okay, Val.”
It’ll never be okay, I wanted to say. If my face betrayed the horror, the terror, Josh didn’t flinch. He sat up, tugging my hands free from my mouth.
His fingers wove through mine. “I’m here, and I don’t want to be anywhere else.”
I stared into his eyes. He had plenty of ways out. I was a guest in his apartment. I was basically freeloading off his generosity. He never asked me for a penny for rent, food, or any utilities. There wasn’t anything in his expression but concern and, dare I say, hope.
“Why’re you so good to me?” I cocked my head, searching for anything that might give me an answer.
Josh smiled and waves of desire I’d never known pulsed through my body. His smile melted the ice walls that protected me. It terrified me in a way I’d never experienced.
“It’s easy,” he whispered. He leaned closer until there was only breath between us. “You’re the sweetest, kindest woman I’ve ever met. You spend your days worrying about others. You don’t care about materialistic bullshit but about things that matter.” He pulled our hands up and pressed them into his chest. “Val, I’ve never cared about someone like this before, and it’s happening so fast that I’m drowning in you. And I don’t want to be saved.”
Tears skimmed along my eyes.
“Don’t cry.” He tugged me toward him, letting go of our hands before drawing me onto his lap. “This isn’t something to cry over. It something to celebrate.”
I tucked my head into his shoulder, inhaling the slight musk of his shirt. “I wish it was that easy.”
“It can be.” He pressed his cheek against me and caressed my leg, drawing a pattern only he recognized. “The past is just that.”
While I agreed with that statement, I was more worried about the past haunting me.
“What do you want, Val?”
My body tensed at such a loaded question.
“Not from me, but from life?” He pulled away and lifted my chin so he could see me. “You’re taking college classes online, right?” I nodded. “But what do you want to do with your degree?”
What do I want to do? Great question. If I finished the path I was on, I’d have a business degree after a full semester. And I had no idea what to do with something like that. Business wasn’t my strong suit. It was just something to major in until marriage and family claimed me. That’s what I was raised to do. Get married, be a wife, then a mother. What do I want to do? Nobody’d ever asked me that before. Mom pounded it into my head to get married and let a man take care of me. Sam filled that role so I wouldn’t have to work and I dropped out of school. It all seemed so antifeminist, but that’s what was expected of me.
“I…” The dream choked me and I swallowed hard, averting my eyes. “I used to want to help people. Before… before Sam, I wanted to get my degree in social work or something.” I shrugged as my face reddened. It seemed so stupid as I verbalized it. I couldn’t even help myself.
“I can see you doing that,” Josh said.
My head spun so fast I slammed my chin into his cheek. “Ow.” I winced, rubbing the spot on his cheek were we’d collided.
“See? You’re more worried about me than yourself.” He leaned down and kissed my chin. “I’ve had worse.”
I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. He’d said that to me before. It was true, he’d had much worse. Getting shot three times, even if one was in the ass, must’ve sucked.
“Me, too,” I whispered.
“If you want to get your degree in social work or psychology or barista excellence, you should.” His lips moved along my jawline until stopping on the edge of my ear
. “You should be happy, Val. All I want is for you to be happy.”
A sob broke free and Josh stiffened. He pulled away to meet my gaze. His brows furrowed as his lips tightened.
“I’m sorry,” I said between bursts. “It’s just…” I sighed and tried to figure out how to tell him how much his words meant. Nothing sounded right in my head, so I just blurted out whatever came first. “Nobody’s ever thought I could do anything. I’m not pretty enough or smart enough or independent enough. I’ve never been enough period.” Josh’s hand caressed the soft skin under my eye, wiping the tears away with his thumb. “Why are you different?”
“Because I see you for you, not for who I want or expect you to be.”
I smiled, and it felt like the first time I’d truly smiled in my life. We sat on the bed, just staring at one another. I leaned in to kiss him when my alarm shrilled to life.
“Shit.” I pressed my forehead against his. “I have to get ready for work.”
Josh chuckled. “I’d offer to help, but I have a feeling you’d be late.” He kissed my nose. “Come on. I’ll make a quick breakfast. We can finish this later tonight. What time do you get off work?”
“I’m on until three.” I stood and stretched my arms behind my back, well aware Josh’s eyes traced each line of my body. What would happen when he saw the damage? I couldn’t think like that. Not yet. When, and if, things went that direction, then I could tell him. But not before. “What time will you be back?”
“Around five.”
A plan formed in my head. I’d promised to teach Josh how to make a soufflé, maybe we could do that while we talked. If I said I wasn’t nervous about the whole thing, I would’ve been lying. The entire situation scared the daylights out of me. The idea that Josh would want me in any way didn’t seem real.
Josh stood and met me at the end of the bed. He wrapped his arms around my waist and lifted me off the floor until we were eye-to-eye. “We’ve got a lot to talk about, and I know you’ve got a lot of things to work through, but just remember that I’m in this for as long as you’ll have me. We can be great together.”
