by Jane Lark
Chapter Three
Lindy
I sat on the dry sand, hugging my knees, looking out at the ocean. The sky was painted red by the setting sun.
Tears rolled down my cheeks. What was worse, that he thought doing it with me was like rape? Or that he’d actually told my ex that?
Humiliation swept through me like a rippling wave and nausea gripped at my belly.
Oh my God, Billy! I hate you right now!
Sand kicked up against my thigh.
He’d followed. He dropped down next to me, copying my posture, leaning forward and gripping his knees.
I wiped the tears off my cheeks.
His big arm came around me.
I turned into him and then both his arms were around me. This was where it had begun in the fall.
He’d held me, then I’d lifted my head and he’d kissed me. I hadn’t really kissed him back but I hadn’t stopped him. I’d felt so broken, I hadn’t cared, and he’d made me feel wanted. When I’d felt unwanted and lonely for weeks.
Frick, if I’d been lonely then, what about now? Jason hadn’t just moved away, he’d dumped me… He had left me alone.
“I’m sorry, Lind.”
No, I wasn’t alone. I had Billy… and Dad…
My counselor told me––when you think negative, change it to positive… There were hardly any positives…
I pulled free of Billy’s hold and turned, looking at the ocean and hugging my knees.
One of his hands fell to the sand. He picked some up, then let it run through his fingers, like an hour glass––a life glass––time just ran away.
His other arm settled on his bent-up knees.
He hadn’t raped me. I had let it happen and regretted it after, and never spoken about it with him. “It wasn’t rape, Billy.”
How did I tell a guy all the mixed-up shit I had in my head. I didn’t understand anything myself, so how could I expect anyone else to. Jason hadn’t.
Billy watched the last of the sand slip through his fingers, then he looked at me.
“I didn’t stop you, because I wanted it too…” At the time, it had been comforting, in a stupid way.
“But not with me, Lind, admit it. I was just a Jason-replacement.”
That part was true. “Is that what you told him?”
“Yeah, because I didn’t want him to keep thinking you’d betrayed him.”
Bitterness thrust a knife into my belly. “Or keep thinking you had, ‘cause you wanted to make up and get your best friend back…”
His Adam’s apple shifted as he took a breath. “I did betray him. I betrayed you both… But… Look… Just say you forgive me and we’ll move on from it.”
“I don’t need to forgive you. It happened. That’s all. At the time I needed it.” Despair crashed into me, like another sneaker wave hit us, ripping into me and trying to drag me out into the ocean.
Frigid. That’s what Jason’s new girlfriend had called me. She’d said he’d told her I was no better than sleeping with stone, and now Billy thought doing it with me was like rape.
My forehead dropped onto my knees as I let the wave of pain wash away, and the tears came again… I just wanted everything to be normal. I wanted to turn back time and make sure none of this had happened. But it was happening, and I couldn’t change it.
Think positive––I’d got to twenty-two and had years of happiness to remember and hold on to, and Dad and I could make loads more happy memories.
Tears rolled down my cheeks as I lifted my head and looked at Billy. I couldn’t fix other things, but I could fix this…“Why did you think I didn’t want to?”
“Why?” The surprise in his voice was matched by his eyebrows lifting. He thought it was obvious.
He dropped his second handful of sand, rubbed his palms on his shorts, then rested his forearms on his bent knees. “You hardly moved.” A sigh left his lips. “I was going to stop, but I didn’t know which was worse, to stop and pretend it hadn’t gone too far or… Well…” He looked at me. “Sorry.”
My forehead dropped on to my knees, so I could hide. I was that bad.
The weight of his palm settled on my shoulder, then rubbed a little before tugging me against him.
I fell into him, sobbing, still hugging my knees, not holding him, but he held me. “Lindy. I really am sorry.”
“I’m shit,” I said against his shoulder. “I’m crap in bed.” I’d never felt comfortable with sex, probably because I’d never felt comfortable with myself. I didn’t like sex. It just made me aware of all the bits of my body I hated and didn’t want to think about. Sex had always been awkward.
A laugh rumbled in his chest.
I pulled away and smacked his shoulder. “It’s not funny.”
Jason had left me because of it. He was all over Rachel, touching and kissing her. I’d even seen them full-on kissing in the store.
He’d never kissed me like that. Our sex had been crap, and it had not been his fault because he didn’t seem to have a problem with Rachel.
It had been my fault and he’d been mean enough to tell his new girlfriend and she’d fucking cruelly told me.
Billy’s palm lifted, calling truce. “Okay, it’s not funny. It’s just the way you said it.”
Awesome. He’d gone from an apology to laughing at me, humor hovered in his eyes.
I pushed myself up and headed toward the ocean. The sun was a giant-red ball dipping its toes.
“Lindy! I didn’t mean to upset you!”
I slipped my sandals off, bent and picked them up, while he caught up with me.
“Honest, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to laugh.”
I looked at him, my eyes accusing. “You’re getting good at saying sorry, Billy.”
His lips twisted in a dismissing smirk, but his eyes questioned me.
I poked my tongue out at him then turned toward the ocean again. I could just keep walking. Walk into the waves and let them take away the turmoil in my head. But shame and guilt wouldn’t let me do it now I’d seen how much it would hurt Mom and Dad… and anyway, I was afraid of the ocean and everything beneath it.
I turned to walk parallel to the waves. His arm came around me. The weight of his hand on my shoulder. Frickin’ tears started falling again. He pulled me against him as we walked. The world span.
I needed to be held and loved. The feeling rippled through my nerves. It was that feeling that had made me let him do it in the SUV. Jason had been miles away in New York.
I pulled free of Billy and moved away, walking along in the last ripples of the waves. The water was freezing, numbing my feet. Like life had numbed my soul.
My belly did a queasy turn as I looked down at the water. The sky had turned a deeper, darker blue. It was getting dark. The sun had nearly disappeared. I felt a bit drunk now.
“Why am I so bad at doing it?” I looked over at Billy.
The douche laughed again.
I lifted my hand to hit him with my sandals, but he grabbed my wrist, meeting my glare with a look that said, no way.
“Lashing out is a habit you need to get out of, Lind.”
Maybe it was, but it was a good way to vent everything I felt. I growled at him, snarling.
He laughed openly, but then he bent and––
Frick! The guy picked me up like a fireman, so I dangled over his massive shoulder. My belly revolted. “Billy! Billy!”
He started walking back up the beach, in the direction of our apartments.
“Billy!”
Nausea rolling through me, I smacked his ass with my sandals. “Billy put me down, I feel sick!”
He still didn’t.
“Billy!”
He just kept walking, laughter rumbling in his chest. “I’m sorting you out once and for all girl.”
A guy we passed gave me an odd look. Billy was flashing my panties at the other people on the beach.
“Put me down! I’m gonna be sick, Billy!” I screamed this time. He didn’t stop. M
y belly lurched. “If you don’t, I’m gonna be sick all down your back!” I was desperate now.
He stopped. I think he’d got the message.
He slid me off his shoulder, lowering me carefully.
I didn’t stop to rant. I was going to be sick. Oh, I felt bad.
I turned and ran. My head pounded out a message that I’d drunk too much.
I really was gonna be sick.
When I got to my apartment, I swiped my key, shoved the door open and ran for the bathroom.
When Billy came in, I was on my knees leaning over the toilet bowl. Happy pills, cocktails and being tipped upside down really didn’t mix.
“You okay? Dumb question, you’re obviously not. Shit.” He turned, filling a glass with water as I kept retching.
His hand settled on my back when I finished. Then there was a tumbler of water in my hand. I didn’t drink it. I was sweating and shivery and I felt awful. He took it back out my hand and put it on the floor. Then as I just collapsed over the toilet bowl, he sat on the bathroom floor across the room, with his back against the tiles.
“Lindy?”
I shook my head. I didn’t want to talk.
“Are those your pills?” He was looking up at a shelf over the sink.
I grunted and was sick again.
He got up, picked them up looked at how many were there and then read the packet. “You’re not meant to drink alcohol with these…”
Yeah, I knew that. My head had a hammer in it reminding me, and I was throwing up in the pan.
When I finished this time, there was a cold washcloth pressed into my hand. “I’ll stay in your room tonight. Make sure you’re okay.”
I didn’t say anything. I felt too sick to care.
Lindy
When I woke the sunlight in the room hurt my eyes and I blinked a dozen times. Billy had picked me up in the bathroom and carried me to bed last night. I must have fallen asleep leaning on the toilet.
He came into focus. He sat on the bed, wearing the same cargo shorts and t-shirt.
“Can I have a glass of water?”
“Here.” There was one beside the bed. He just reached for it and handed it to me as I sat up.
I sipped it, watching him.
“You talk in your sleep.”
“Great. What did I say?”
Not answering, he got up and pulled his cell out of his back pocket, looking at something on it, as his thumb moved the screen and kept tapping it.
“Billy, what are you doing?”
“Give me a minute.” He didn’t look at me.
I sat up properly, sipping the water again. He still didn’t look at me. “What, Billy?”
“I said give me a minute…”
A smile touched my lips. We could argue, and we had argued, but there had never been anything underlying or hidden between us, well not until we’d done it in his SUV. But even then, he’d still met up with me a couple of days later, and we’d still got on okay. With Billy you got what you saw.
Since Jason had dumped me, I’d spent hours wondering how long he’d wanted to dump me. He’d gone to New York to get away from me. But he hadn’t had the balls to tell me… Last night Billy had come right out and told me how he’d been feeling––
“Here.” He threw his cell on the bed and pointed at it. “I’m gonna go down to the gym. You take a look at that.” His cheeks were scored with pink, like he was embarrassed.
“Billy?”
“You’ve been moaning half the night about how bad sex is. That’s your answer.”
“What?”
“I looked up a website for you. How to jerk yourself off. You don’t need a guy, Lind. Learn to do it yourself.”
Oh my God. “Billy!” That was crazy. Now my cheeks burned. I put the water down. “What did Jason tell you?!”
“Jason didn’t tell me anything. You said it all in your sleep, and last night.”
“Liar. He told you I’d never had one didn’t he?” There was a mirror on the wall across the room. I caught sight of my face. My makeup had run. I looked awful. I hated seeing myself in mirrors.
“Jason didn’t say anything! I told him you hadn’t wanted to do it with me, you’d been thinking of him. That’s all.”
Frick… could he make me more embarrassed? It was like being whipped. “And Jason, said!”
Billy bent down his hands settling on the mattress either side of me, his dark-blue gaze striking mine. “I swear, he never said anything. But his eyebrows lifted. So after your night’s babbling I guess it wasn’t much better with him…”
I was gonna slap him, but he caught my wrist. “Lind, leave off the slapping or I’ll tip you over my shoulder again and this time I’ll just throw you in the shower to cool your temper down.”
But I had good reason to be angry. “I can’t believe you two were talking about me!” I tried to yank my arm free but he wouldn’t let go. “Billy!”
I pulled again and nearly fell back when he let go. He caught my arm again. ”Lindy. I looked it up so you don’t have to. I didn’t want you to come across anything you wouldn’t want to see––”
“And how do you even know where to find shit like that?”
“I’m a guy. We pretty much covered every type of porn on our cells at high school.”
“I’m a guy…” I mocked.
He let my arm go. “Whatever, Lind. You can look at it or not. I’m going down to the gym. Then I’ll have a shower and knock for you, okay?” As he turned away, his fingers ran through his hair, then immediately ruffled it to re-spike it. That stupid leather bracelet I’d made at high school shifted on his wrist.
Was he implying I did it now?
“I’ll see you later.” He said from the door, glancing back.
This was too weird.
The door shut.
I got up, running away from his cell, that lay on the bed.
Why did he think I’d do that?
When I faced the bathroom mirror, it wasn’t me I looked at. My makeup had smeared around my eyes.
I shut them.
What the frick must Billy think? In 24 hours he’d seen me soaked in salt and sand, throwing up and then like this…
I turned away from the image, stripped off and got in the shower.
The water was warm and it teemed down over my head, washing all my pain away for a few moments.
Truth hurt.
What Jason had told Rachel was true.
I’d never had any pleasure from sex. We’d just done it. Or rather I’d let Jason do it. Boys wanted to do that stuff. It had always just felt uncomfortable to me. Lying there and trying to feel things that I really didn’t. I’d thought it was like that for everyone––until I’d seen him with Rachel.
The guy who was supposed to be mine… my support… my defender… my hero… Had humiliated me and told his new girl I was bad in bed.
But since I’d talked to the counselor I’d realized I’d been piling all my anger on Jason, when most of it was nothing to do with him. It was only fate and I’d pushed him away, probably, because I’d been too busy fighting all the insecurity and pain I was at war with. I knew that––when I was honest with myself.
I’d been relying on him for everything, and not let him rely on me.
I toppled back against the tiles. Tears came again and anger gripped at me. I’d spent so many months wrapped up in anger. I wanted to smash the room up; smash the world up. Because the world was cruel.
I switched the shower off and wrapped myself in the towels. Then went back into the bedroom and threw myself down on the bed.
Billy’s cell stared at me.
I ignored it for ages. But it started shouting at me to just pick it up.
I did.
When I tapped the screen, it opened on the website he’d looked up.
Trying not to think, or judge, or fear this, I scrolled through what it said.
The demonstrations made my skin crawl; that was why teenage boys looked this shit
up. Heat burned in my skin as I watched, trying not to overthink.
Oh my God.
Chapter Four
Billy
Lindy’s eyes sparkled in the white light when she walked into the gym.
I pressed the weights back up, the bite gripping in my arms and chest. I’d taken my tee off because I’d got hot. I’d turned the air con up too.
Her eyes dropped to my tattoo. She’d never seen my leopard.
“I didn’t know you had that.”
I set the bar back onto the brackets, then slid out from underneath it and sat up, breathing hard. I picked up my tee and wiped the sweat off my brow, then my chest. Lindy’s gaze followed the movement of the cloth.
“I had it done here, last summer, when we left college.”
“It’s beautiful. I like it.”
My lips twisted in a bitter smile. I’d had the thing done out of anger. It was a little like self-harm. The leopard looked like it climbed one side of my chest, scratching my shoulder, leaving scores of blood. Another claw cut into my belly and the other on my side, while its tail flicked up and curled around to my back. It was in memory of a girl, without having her name as a giveaway mark. The girl was Lindy.
I’d been angry with her. No, that was a lie. I’d been angry with myself for not being able to stop wanting her.
Her gaze followed the path of the leopard, dropping down to my abs. Then she looked up at my face.
“Your cell rang.” She held it out.
“Who?”
“Jason.”
Shit. Well she looked like she’d been playing with herself and that must have brought her down to earth with a bump.
I took it from her hand, then pulled up the missed calls. Sure enough Jason’s number was there. I called the messages.
“Hey, Billy. You’ve disappeared, I was gonna ask you to go out for a drink again but your mom said you’d gone out of town. Everything okay?” I deleted the message. I didn’t call back. I’d catch up with him when Lindy and I got back.
“How are you?” I asked her.
“Okay. Have you finished?”
“If you want me to be finished?”
