by Jane Lark
We’d spent hours talking at Jason’s parents. I’d just gone round to keep her company, but talking to her had started getting addictive because she’d had such a colorful life. I would have a heart made out of iron if I hadn’t been moved by some of the stuff she’d said.
Two months on from that, she came down to the store regularly, with Saint. Just to talk and help out, and at lunch we often headed over to the diner to eat and talk. I’d introduced her to some of my old friends from school too. Friends I hadn’t seen for years who I had reconnected with.
I was starting to get my life on track.
And I had Billy.
He stayed at mine a lot, but not every night. When I went out with friends, he stayed away.
I missed him, though, when he didn’t sleep over, and I missed him when he didn’t come out with me, but I knew I couldn’t become reliant on him like I had on Jason. I had to make myself happy first. That was one of the things that talking to Rachel had taught me and my counselor agreed and encouraged.
Rachel loved Jason, but it was Rachel who’d turned her life around after she’d met him.
“Hey, Lind.” Jason, walked into the store from the back office, carrying his laptop. Rachel stood on the customer side of the counter. She turned around.
“Jason.”
“Honey.” He put the laptop down on the counter. He often sat out here working now, even when Rachel wasn’t around.
Saint was tucked up in the carrier, in front of Rachel. Jason rubbed his head then pressed a kiss on it. Saint made a croaky little sound as Jason straightened and kissed Rachel, his fingers cradling the back of her head.
I smiled. I liked watching them together. They were good together. It didn’t make me jealous; Billy and I were good together too.
My cell rang.
It was probably him.
I picked it up. It wasn’t Billy’s image, though. It was Dad’s.
“Hey…”
“Lindy…” I knew from his pitch. “The hospice called. I’m on my way there. Can you get someone to give you a lift?”
Tears flooded my eyes and spilled over. I wiped them away. “Is she unconscious––“
“Not yet…”
Mom had been getting worse, but… “How long?”
“They said her heartbeat is really weak. It could be hours, Lindy, love.”
I cried, sniffing back tears and trying to breathe. “I’ll get there.” I couldn’t say anymore.
The call ended. Dad probably wasn’t able to speak either.
Tears running in rivers down my cheeks, I turned to find Jason behind the counter. “Lindy?”
“She’s dying. I need to get to the hospice.”
“I’ll drive you.”
“No, I’ll call Billy. His last client was in town, he’ll be near here.”
My thumb had already found his number. I touched call. It rang three times as I held the cell to my ear, my hand shaking.
“Lindy, I’m––”
“Billy…” I sobbed. “It’s Mom, I need to get to the hospice…”
“Where are you? At the store still?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay, I’m coming… I’m sorry, I’m gonna have to call this session short, you’ll have to do a cool-down on your own, my girlfriend’s mom is really sick…” He ended the call.
I turned to grab my purse.
“I’ll get your coat.” Jason’s voice was heavy with concern.
Rachel touched my arm and gave me an understanding look.
I couldn’t stop shaking. All the years I had known this was coming––the last few weeks… Nothing had prepared me for the pain in my chest… Nausea twisted in my belly.
Jason brought my coat out and held it up for me to put on.
Tears flowed onto my cheeks, as pain stole the air from lungs, and fear made me tremble.
A customer walked in. “I’ll handle it,” Rachel said quietly, as Jason gripped my arm.
“I’ll come outside and wait with you,” he said.
He kept a hold of my arm as we walked. Then outside, before the steps, he hugged me.
I didn’t want him to hug me. I wanted Billy’s broad chest, big arms, and the heartfelt emotion he showed for me. “Honestly, I’ll drive you up––”
I pulled away, feeling stung. I didn’t want him to. I wanted to be with Billy. “No, I’ll wait for Billy.” My voice was sharp. The old me I guess. The short-tempered bitch, but that was just because I was so worried over Mom, and panicking.
I needed Billy.
Jason rubbed my arm. I sensed he wanted to say, it’ll be okay, but it wasn’t gonna be okay. The end was here. I was losing her.
We stood there for about five minutes, waiting until Billy’s SUV pulled up. He’d sped here, and he leaped out the driver’s seat as I hurried down the steps, Jason followed.
Billy pulled the passenger door open. He had his work gear on: shorts and a tee. I threw myself into his arms, he was already moving to hug me and he gripped me hard and tight. It felt so good to have him here. He smelt of fresh sweat from working with clients, but I didn’t care. Even the familiarity of that wrapped around me.
I love you. The words slipped through my head. It was the first time I’d thought them––but I’d felt them before.
I didn’t say them to him, it wasn’t the right time.
“Come on, let’s get you there.” He turned away, holding the door as I climbed in and looked at Jason. “Thanks.”
Jason’s lips closed and an understanding expression passed across his face as I shut the door.
There was nothing to say…
Chapter Twenty-four
Billy
The coffin gradually disappeared out of sight, then the men let the tapes they’d lowered it with drop. Lindy stepped forward and threw a white rose down on to the coffin. When she stepped back her hand searched for mine. I gripped it hard, making sure she knew I was around for her.
Her dad bent and picked up a handful of soil and threw that down. It made a sprinkling sound and then he threw a red rose, and that made no sound at all.
Something hard gripped my heart and my vision distorted with tears.
I hadn’t been in the room when Mrs. Martin died. Lindy thought she wouldn’t have wanted me in there. Lindy had said goodbye with her dad.
We’d got up there in time for Lindy to speak to her mom and say a last “I love you”, and her mom had gripped her hand and then slipped into unconsciousness. She’d been unconscious for five hours before she’d passed. I’d waited in the dayroom, promising Lindy I wasn’t going anywhere as she’d just sat and held her mom’s hand.
Lindy had talked me through it all afterwards, several times. I was encouraging her to keep talking. I thought that was the most important thing––that she felt as though her mom lived; because she did live, in Lindy’s heart and in her memories, and she needed to keep those memories alive.
Tears tracked down my cheeks and Lindy sobbed. I think everyone here was crying. If they weren’t they had hearts of stone.
Others came forward to throw soil down on to the coffin and say their goodbye, including Jason and his parents, although Rachel stayed back.
Lindy stood in silence, watching. I knew her thoughts were not silent. I bet she cried out a thousand words in her head.
I couldn’t even imagine being in her position and yet she seemed to be coping. I mean they’d had long enough warning…
The first thing Lindy had said to me when she came out of her Mom’s room, after she’d passed was… “At least she won’t be in pain anymore… It was time…”
But it must hurt to lose the mom she’d been so close to and they had been really close.
I was not just crying for poor Miriam and the years cancer had stolen from her life. I cried for Lindy too, and the years she would have to live without her mom.
Lindy
“Lindy, dear, how are you? Go and find Billy and take a break, you must be exhausted.” Bill
y’s mom rubbed my arm, leaning past me to put another plate of sandwiches down. The church had been packed full of people and now Billy’s house was full of people and everyone wanted to talk to me and offer condolences.
Billy’s mom had kindly offered her house up, so she could host and take the pressure off Dad and me, but I still felt like I should host.
The whole thing was emotionally exhausting.
I’d lost Billy an hour ago, and lost the drink he’d given me an hour ago.
“Where is he?”
“Outback, in the yard with Jason and his cousins.”
Billy’s mom, Susan, had taken me under her wing in the last few weeks. Billy had let on a few weeks back that his family had all known for ages how much he’d thought of me, and that now we’d got together they were all waiting for me to rip his heart out. So I’d gone out of my way to make sure they knew how much I thought of him. Though he still didn’t know it yet… I loved him.
“Go on, dear. You escape and go out there for a little while.”
“Okay.” It took me a while to get out though as so many people stopped me to say “How sorry I am”, and “If you need anything.” The town had turned its back on me last Christmas when it had found out I’d slept with Billy before Jason and I had split. Now they couldn’t do enough for me. I didn’t really care about their shallow sentiments.
Billy spotted me as soon as I got out the door. He had a bottle of beer in his hand. He put it down and lifted his arm. Jason, Rachel and Jason’s cousins all stood around, in black dresses and suits. Rachel had on a black dress too. She was so skinny you’d never know she’d had a kid.
I slotted under Billy’s arm as I reached them, and it came down over my shoulders.
I love you. Those words had echoed in my head a ton of times since the day Mom had died, but I still hadn’t said them aloud, it didn’t seem right to say them now. He’d think it was just because of everything that had been going on and how good he’d been to me. I wanted him to know when I said them that it was just about him.
“You, okay?” he said in a low pitch as the others kept talking.
“Yeah. Just taking a breather.”
“If you need me to do anything, or stay hanging around with you, just ask…”
“You’re okay, you’re doing good…” I knew he’d do anything for me, absolutely anything…
He kissed my temple, and I hugged his middle, as Jason said something to him.
Then Jason’s cousin Richard chimed in a defensive pitch. “I don’t know why you all have it in for Ryan…”
“He keeps getting you in trouble.” Jason’s voice rang with the depth and command he’d never used when talking to me––until the end. “You should drop him.”
“I’m not dropping him. He looks out for me, and I look out for him. That’s the way it works with the Doyles”
“In a jail cell…” Billy scoffed. “Why the hell are you hanging with the Doyles? The whole family is trouble.”
“They look out for each other.”
“Exactly!” Jason said more aggressively than I had ever heard him. “They look out for themselves!”
“They don’t give a fuck about you…” Billy added.
“That’s not true.” Richard threw back before taking a drink from his beer, while his eyes looked from one person in the little group surrounding him to another.
They’d got Richard pinned, then. Everyone had been talking about his friendship with Ryan Doyle for ages. I hadn’t paid any attention to it. I had too much of my own stuff going on, but apparently in the last year, from what I’d heard, Richard had changed completely and got into loads of trouble because of the Doyles.
Jason caught hold of Richard’s arm and turned him away from everyone else, I could hear him speaking in a hard, whispered tone, obviously giving his cousin an earful, although I couldn’t hear the words. I’d never known Jason be like that. I guess his family were really pissed off with Richard over it.
Billy ran a hand over my hair. I looked up.
“Do you want me to sleep over tonight, or would you rather be alone with your dad?”
Billy’s dark-blue eyes shone with understanding––and love. “I think he needs me tonight. We agreed we’d sit up and watch some old home movies, and drink, and say our personal farewell to her like that.”
“She’s not gone, Lind. If she’s still in your head and your heart, she’s still alive… Just without pain.”
He said the sweetest things. I smiled. I hadn’t smiled all day. “I know.” She was with me. She’d said she’d watch over me as an angel, and I felt her. I had done since about six hours after she’d died. It was truly like her spirit hovered in the air I breathed––watching, caring––loving––and smiling at Billy’s tenderness.
His head bent and he kissed my lips. It was just a little press of his lips against mine, but it said so much more. I love you, the words were in my head again as I held his gaze.
“I love you, Lind.” My smile lifted but I still didn’t say the words back. He must know I felt them anyway. I was sure my eyes said it.
Chapter Twenty-five
Lindy
“Billy,”
“Lindy? What’s wrong?” He’d heard the tears in my voice, just from his name spoken on the cell.
“It’s Dad. Will you come over and pick me up? Can I stay at your parents’ tonight?”
“Sure. I’ve just finished, I’m packing up, can I shower at yours––?”
“No, Dad and I have fallen out. I don’t want to hang around. Pick me up and shower at yours. If that’s okay?”
“It’s okay, I’ll be there in half an hour. I’ll be as quick as I can.”
“See you soon.”
“I love you, Lind.”
He ended the call. My hand holding my cell dropped as Dad knocked on my bedroom door.
“There is no need to make such a fuss, Lindy. It’s just dinner.”
“At our house!” I didn’t get up. I didn’t want him in my room. He came in anyway, opening the door, stepping inside and then leaning against the wall, the door handle still in his hand.
“At my house.”
“At Mom’s house! I don’t want her sitting at the table––and if you let her stay!” Tears streamed down my cheeks as anger tied knots in my belly.
“Lindy, be sensible. Life has to continue––”
“In a year, or two years, not now. Not so soon. Mom only died four months ago!”
“And she was sick for years. I want my life back. I am entitled to move on, Lindy. You have Billy.”
“It’s not the same. She was not my wife! Didn’t you love her?”
“Of course I loved her. But she was sick for a long time and I have grieved for a long time… It’s time for me to build a life again––”
“I HATE YOU!” I threw the words at him, standing up. I had to get out. Get away from him. I couldn’t believe he could be so disloyal. That he could forget her so easily.
“I’m going out,” I said, grabbing my coat and pushing past him. He caught hold of my arm, but I pulled it free.
“Lindy––”
I covered my ears walking past him. “I don’t want to hear what you have to say. Billy is coming to get me. I won’t be home tonight…” I glanced back. “So you can do whatever you want with this woman! But don’t expect me to ever like her!”
I ran along the hall and out the door, letting it slam shut behind me––away from him, away from the house and away from the memories I couldn’t face.
How could he?
How could he!
Mom!
I ran down the steps and out into the street. I thought Billy would come from the left, so I headed that way, running, but after a few yards I slowed to a walk, sobbing as tears streamed down my cheeks.
“Mom, I’m sorry. He isn’t the dad I thought I knew.” I said the words out loud, to her, to the sky, looking up.
“I thought he loved you.” But how could he h
ave loved her and forget her so quickly? I didn’t get it.
She was still with me. She had a physical presence in me and around me. How could he just move on?
I stopped walking, squatting down and covering my face, and then kneeling on the sidewalk. I hurt so much inside. I hurt for her. For the life she was going to miss. Over Dad’s betrayal. Tears trickled in paths down my cheeks, as my hands dropped.
He hadn’t just betrayed her, he was betraying me too!
Billy’s SUV pulled up next to me. I cried even harder. “Lindy!” He’d jumped out and stood next to me. “Lindy, what are you doing out here? What’s wrong?” He came down on one knee.
I turned and held him. I couldn’t stop crying.
“Come on, let’s get you over to mine.”
He picked me up. I clung to his neck and pressed my head into his shoulder. He had that sweaty end-of-a-work-day smell––I loved it.
“Let’s get you strapped in and get you somewhere where you feel safe.” His voice came out calm and strong as he pulled the door open, holding me so easily.
I missed him holding me as he left me on the seat and pulled the strap across, like I was a kid being buckled up.
I gripped his hand as he clicked the belt home, smiling, my tears finally drying up.
Billy just knew what I needed.
He smiled too, then shut the door and walked around to the other side of the SUV.
When he got in the driver’s seat, he turned the engine on, then glanced at me. “What upset you?”
I started talking as he looked in the mirror and then pulled out. “You know Dad joined that dating website a month ago? Well, he told me today he has met some woman on it. He’s seen her twice and he’s asked her around to dinner. Tonight. To meet me!”
He looked over at me. “Shit!”
“I know, right. It isn’t weird of me to be angry is it? Please tell me!”
He glanced at me, his expression stiff. “It isn’t…”
