by Louise Hall
She checked her watch. “Damn,” Cate gripped the handles of the pushchair so tightly her knuckles turned white. It was almost time to pick Lola up from camp. “I’ve got to go.”
Mateo was still wailing as she flung open the door and rushed down the corridor towards the main entrance. “Wait,” Dr Lucas called, running after her. “You can’t just leave. Dr Swift will be back soon.”
Cate turned to Dr Lucas, suddenly realising just how young she was. “If you can’t hear my baby…” Cate choked back a sob. She gritted her teeth, “if you can’t hear the heartbeat, what does that mean?”
Dr Lucas looked hopelessly out of her depth. She obviously hadn’t been paying attention in medical school when they’d taught the would-be doctors how to break bad news to their patients. Cate didn’t need for her to spell it out though; she could feel the weight of it every time she tried to draw breath. “I need to pick my daughter up from camp. The answer is going to be the same whether you tell me now or in an hour’s time.”
Afterwards, Cate couldn’t remember the drive from the doctor’s office to the Lynx Sports Complex. In the couple of minutes before the doors opened and the children came swarming out, she wiped her face and fought the fear and pain which like quicksand were threatening to swallow her whole.
“Hi Mum,” Lola climbed into the front seat and fastened her seatbelt, waving at a couple of new friends she’d made. “Mats,” she turned and looked at Mateo in the backseat. “Why do you so look so grumpy? Did Dad take your boat again?”
She tickled his little socked feet but he let out another wail.
“Mum, what’s up with Mats?” Lola frowned. “He’s usually really happy to see me.”
“He’s just tired,” Cate sighed.
“Can we go to Top Pot on the way home?” Lola begged, “that will cheer him up.”
“Maybe later, sweetheart,” Cate was distracted. “I need to stop by the doctor’s office first.”
Dr Lucas must have told the receptionist what had happened because when they got there, she offered to watch Lola and Mateo while Cate saw Dr Swift.
It seemed to take forever to walk down the corridor to Dr Swift’s office. Cate cradled her bump. “This is not how the story ends,” she said quietly. She was determined that whatever happened she wasn’t going to cry until she was back home.
She prayed as hard as she could, desperate for them to have made a mistake. Things might have been strained between them lately but Cate still wanted Kian by her side. She’d moved to Seattle so that they could be a family again but at that moment, she felt lonelier than she had during the five months they’d lived apart.
If this had happened back home in Manchester, she wouldn’t have had to do this on her own. She would have had a whole army of family and friends supporting her – her mum, Jean, Ruby, Ben and Erin, Sinead and Fabrizio. Cate was losing her battle with hot, stinging tears. She missed her family so dreadfully.
She looked down at the palm of her hand, wishing desperately that somebody was holding it, that somebody was telling her that it was all going to be OK.
“Can you climb up on to the table for me?” Dr Swift asked gently. Cate lay back, feeling the chill of the plastic sheeting against her back. She stared up at the ceiling, her fingernails digging into her palms.
Dr Swift moved the probe across her abdomen. “Let me try something else,” she squeezed Cate’s hand and used the intercom to ask one of her colleagues to bring in another machine. Cate was so pathetically happy to have somebody holding her hand that a lone tear trickled down her cheek.
Dr Swift must have noticed because she smiled kindly at Cate, “I know it’s scary but try not to think the worst, not just yet.”
A second, older machine was wheeled in and Dr Swift carefully moved the other probe over Cate’s abdomen. A loud, thumping sound echoed off the walls.
“Open your eyes, Cate,” Dr Swift said softly. Cate shook her head. If she opened her eyes, it was real and she’d lost… “No, I’m OK. You can just tell me.”
“Come on, sweetheart,” Dr Swift persisted, “I want to show you something.”
Cate slowly opened one eye, like Lola did first thing in the morning when she was trying to pretend that it wasn’t time to get up yet. Dr Swift turned the machine around so that Cate could see the monitor. “That’s your baby, Cate.” Cate felt her bottom lip wobble as she looked at the tiny, little thing inside her womb.
“I don’t…” Cate watched incredulously as it began to move, she could feel it. She looked up at Dr Swift.
“It’s OK, Cate. Your baby’s perfectly healthy.”
Cate broke down in tears. She couldn’t believe it. “But Dr Lucas, she couldn’t find a…”
“There was a fault with the other machine, hon,” Dr Swift explained. “I’m so, so sorry.”
After Cate had composed herself, Dr Swift led her back down the corridor to where Lola and Mats were waiting. “Mum, are you OK?” Lola asked anxiously.
“I’m fine,” Cate knelt down and gave both of her children a big hug. She’d never felt more blessed.
As if they sensed something, both Lola and Mats were extra clingy with her that night.
While Cate had been in the examining room with Dr Swift, Lola had decided that she didn’t want a cruller anymore; she wanted pizza so they stopped at Whole Foods Market on the way home and bought the ingredients to make homemade pizzas.
“I’m going to have lots of mushrooms on mine,” Lola announced. She was in charge of cutting up the vegetables.
“Do you want one?” she offered a small sliver to her brother but he pursed his lips shut, wriggling in his highchair to try and escape.
“More for me then,” Lola shrugged and put it in her mouth.
Cate carefully slid the pizzas into the oven and looked over at her children. Lola had a streak of flour in her inky-black hair; she was playing with Mats and his toy boat. Her son had a smear of tomato sauce on his cheek. She wanted to wrap her arms tightly around both of them and never let go.
“I love you,” Cate tried really hard not to cry. Her phone buzzed on the kitchen counter. She knew it was Kian but decided not to answer. It might be childish but she wanted to punish him for not being there today.
“How much?” Lola giggled.
“More than words can say,” Cate grinned, repeating what she said to them as often as she could.
“I love you…” Lola looked around the messy kitchen, “more than mushrooms.”
“Wow,” Cate’s eyes widened, “that much? I’m a very lucky mum then, aren’t I?”
They changed into their pyjamas and fluffy socks and curled up on the squashy sofa in the lounge, eating pizza and watching a movie. Halfway through Mateo fell asleep, curled up against Cate’s side.
“Mum,” Lola asked as they walked upstairs. “Are you really OK?”
“Yes, of course,” Cate didn’t like seeing her daughter frown.
“When you picked me up from camp today, you’d been crying…”
“That’s what happens when you’re having a baby,” Cate rubbed her bump, still marked by that awful hour when she’d thought that she’d lost her unborn baby. “You cry at the littlest things. I heard a sad song on the radio, that’s all.”
“Can we…” Lola bit her lip. “Can we sleep here tonight?” She looked at Cate and Kian’s bed.
“Of course you can,” Cate ruffled her daughter’s hair. Lola and Mats fell asleep easily, their little limbs wrapped around Cate like the vines of her diamond eternity ring but Cate couldn’t sleep.
CHAPTER 13
Kian climbed out of the taxi and trudged wearily up the driveway. He was knackered. The sun was already coming up and he hadn’t been to sleep yet.
He’d been supposed to fly home later this morning but last night after filming for the latest advert had wrapped, he’d felt this emptiness in the pit of his stomach. He could have gone bar-hopping with some of the crew, they seemed like decent guys but the truth was, he�
�d just wanted to come straight home to his family. He’d tried calling Cate from the airport to let her know that he was catching an earlier flight home but there had been no answer.
There was a delicious smell of garlic and tomatoes when he walked through the front door and his stomach growled loudly. He hadn’t eaten anything since craft services yesterday lunchtime. He dropped his bags by the door and walked upstairs. He badly needed a shower but his bed and the warm, pliant body of his wife were just too tempting. He tiptoed into the still dark room and shrugged off his jeans and boots. When he pulled back the covers, he realised his children were taking up most of the bed, curled up around Cate like a protective shield.
Kian lay down on the sliver of bed still available.
“Dada!” Cate woke up the next morning to Mateo’s little voice close to her ear. Her head still ached from everything that had happened yesterday. “He’ll be home soon.”
“He’s home now.”
Cate forced open her eyes. She must have misheard. Kian wasn’t coming home until later today. She thought about the missed calls on her phone and felt a little guilty.
She turned to look at him. She’d been awake until 3am so he couldn’t have had more than a couple of hours sleep but he was still a handsome bastard.
“It’s too early,” Lola piped up from Cate’s other side. “Go back to sleep.”
“Dada!” Mateo got up and leaning over Cate, clumsily patted his sister on the head. “Lola!”
Lola scowled, “it’s a good job you’re cute.” She sat up again. “Hey Dad.”
Cate looked at the clock, “I’m going to have a quick shower. Kian, can you watch Mats?”
She was still angry with him for not being there yesterday. She stripped off her t-shirt. “Ugh,” the skin on her stomach was still sticky from all the gel they’d used. She was just about to remove her bra when the bathroom door opened. Kian stood there, holding Mateo.
“I’ll scar him for life,” Cate protested, grabbing her t-shirt and holding it in front of her chest.
“Don’t talk about yourself like that,” Kian said darkly. “You’re beautiful.”
“Yeah, right,” Cate scoffed. “I need to take a shower.”
“We need to talk,” Kian felt like she was pulling away from him and he didn’t like it.
“No, we don’t,” Cate reached out to Mateo. “Come on, sweetheart.” She walked down the corridor to his bedroom and put him in the playpen with his toys. “Mama needs a shower. She’s stinky.”
“Stinky,” Mateo giggled.
Cate walked back to the bathroom and was about to close the door when Kian put the palm of his hand firmly on the door, stopping her. “Kian,” Cate said wearily.
She realised he wasn’t going to leave her alone, no matter how much she protested. She stripped off the rest of her clothes and stepped into the shower, letting the warm water sluice over her body. She reached for the soap but Kian was quicker, he lathered it up in his big, strong hands and massaged her neck and shoulders. Cate felt his morning erection nudge against the small of her back and tensed. “I don’t want to.”
“I’m not going to fuck you, Cate,” Kian growled. “I just want to touch you.” His hands roamed over her aching breasts and down over her bump.
As he cradled her bump, Kian felt her flinch. He didn’t understand. “What is it?”
“It’s nothing,” Cate shook her head. She reached down and removed his hands from her skin. “I need to wash my hair.”
She turned around and closed her eyes, letting her head fall back into the water. She could feel the baby fluttering inside her womb but she couldn’t savour it with Kian so close. She didn’t want him to know what had happened yesterday, how she’d thought for over an hour that their baby had died. She shouldn’t have had to tell him things like that. He should have been there.
After she’d washed her hair, Cate pushed past Kian and stepped out of the shower. She’d forgiven him for a lot of things over the years but she didn’t know if she could forgive him for this.
After Rovers went into administration, it was Kian who’d decided to move them to Seattle. He’d ripped Cate away from her friends and family and yet when she’d needed him the most; when she’d needed him to hold her and tell her it was going to be OK, he’d been in L.A. filming another goddamn advert.
While Cate dropped Lola off at camp, Kian paced back and forth. She’d left her cell-phone charging on the kitchen counter. Even though he knew it was wrong, he typed in the passcode which was Lola’s birthday – she’d always used the same one – and checked her e-mails.
There was one from his sister, Sinead from the early hours of the morning. Kian leaned back on the counter and read it.
“What are you doing?” Cate snatched the phone from Kian and shoved it in her handbag.
Kian looked up at her, “were you going to tell me?”
“Tell you what?” Cate played dumb.
“Cate,” he tried to reach for her but she dodged out of his way. “Don’t.”
“I can’t believe you hacked into my phone!” she paced back and forth.
Kian slammed his fist down on the counter, “you scared the shit out of me, Cate.”
Cate narrowed her eyes, “that does not give you the right to invade my privacy.”
“Your privacy?” Kian spluttered. “We’re married.” He took a step towards her, his large shadow dwarfing her slender frame. “I had a right to know.”
Cate was practically vibrating with anger, “you weren’t there, Kian.”
“You should have called me,” Kian growled, “I would have come straight home.”
Kian wanted so badly to take her upstairs and work through their issues, the way they always had before, in the bedroom but she was pregnant. He looked at her belly, heavy with his child. He couldn’t even begin to imagine how she’d felt yesterday when she’d thought that their baby had died…?
“Would you?” Cate snarled. It felt like every day she was watching fresh cracks appear in her marriage. “The last time I tried calling you in L.A. it took you six hours to call me back.”
“I’ve told you a thousand times I’m sorry about that,” Kian gritted his teeth. “We were filming on location and didn’t have cell-phone service.”
Kian’s phone buzzed on the kitchen counter. “You might as well answer it,” Cate slung her handbag over her shoulder; “we’re done here.”
She bundled Mateo in to the pushchair and stalked down the driveway. When she reached the security post, she heard somebody calling her name. It was Layla.
“Where are you headed?” Layla asked.
Cate looked across at the Sound. “I think we’re going to take the ferry.” Mateo loved travelling on the green and white ferry boats.
“Cool,” Layla said. “Can I walk with you?”
As they walked along the front towards the ferry terminal, Heidi was just opening up the Taco Shack and waved hello.
“So,” Layla started, “I was just wondering if you’re still looking for a nanny? My brother, Nate just moved here from Sacramento and he’s looking for a job. He’s really, super great with kids.”
With her marriage being so fragile, Cate wasn’t exactly eager to invite a stranger into their home but she was going to need more help with Lola and Mats, especially when the new baby came and it wasn’t like Kian couldn’t afford it.
Cate asked Layla a few more questions about her brother. He had a degree in Early Childhood Education from USC and glowing references from the two families he’d worked for previously.
She didn’t want to pry but he sounded almost too good to be true. She couldn’t help but wonder why he was in such a hurry to leave Sacramento? Layla didn’t want to go into too much detail. She just said that he’d had a falling out with their dad and was looking to make a fresh start here in Seattle. Cate could see how much Layla loved her older brother; it shone brightly in her pale-blue eyes. Cate felt a sharp pang. Even though they’d had their difference
s in the past; she missed her brother, Ben so much.
When they got to the terminal, Cate made a note of Nate’s e-mail address.
The ferry ride gave Cate time to think. She couldn’t ignore the pain she’d seen in Kian’s eyes when he’d looked up from reading the e-mail from Sinead. It might be irrational but Cate resented him for feeling like that, it was like plastic feelings. In all of those sixty plus minutes when she’d thought that she’d lost their baby, Kian had been oblivious. He’d only found out when it was all over. He could imagine what she must have been feeling but it was like watching through a plate glass window, he didn’t actually know.
He didn’t know how she’d felt at the shelter when she’d looked across at the small play area and seen that the gate wasn’t locked and their son was missing. After she’d left him that panicked voicemail, it had taken him six hours to call her back. Six hours in which anything could have happened.
Just like he didn’t know what it had felt like all those years ago when she’d been hunched over that wooden bench outside the Black Horse pub. The pain… The pain was so bad; she’d barely been able to breathe. She’d felt the blood trickle down her inner thighs and she’d thought that she was losing her baby. By the time Kian arrived at the hospital an hour later, Cate was already in surgery. She felt sick as she realised that she still blamed him for not being there, for kicking a stupid ball about instead.
Cate felt her chest tighten almost unbearably. She let out a strangled laugh. Of course, they would come back. She hadn’t had a panic attack since she was pregnant with Mateo.
The ferry docked in Seattle and Cate disembarked, pushing Mateo along the pier until she reached the small Subway kiosk. Her palms were sweaty and slipped on the handles of the pushchair. Her heart felt like it was slamming into her ribcage. Cate felt her vision begin to narrow and knew she needed to do something quickly. Fortunately, there was no queue at Subway so she ordered a bacon sandwich and went and sat in the plastic bucket seats, facing towards Puget Sound.
Cate unwrapped the sandwich and put the contents in the bin at the side, leaving just the wrapper. Keeping one hand on the pushchair, she brought the wrapper up to her nose and inhaled deeply. The scent of bacon filled her nostrils and the tight knot in her chest began to unravel. She knew she must have looked crazy sitting there sniffing an empty Subway wrapper but with every breath, her panic attack began to recede a little more.
