I nod and stand up, needing to pace. Saul gets me, so he just lets me be.
“Okay, there will be some stuff you already know but just bear with me.”
He nods.
“When I was younger, I knew my mother was different, but her being different didn’t touch me, not in the way it did later. I realise now as an adult that was because of my dad, he shielded me from most of it. Whereas she treated me with disdain, he surrounded me with love. Dad’s parents were dead as were mothers, so I didn’t know anything about having a big family. It was just them and me. I’m grateful they never had any other children. That nobody else had to suffer like I did. Although not having anyone else made it so lonely and it meant when Dad was gone I took everything my mother wanted to throw at me. And everything she would like to throw at anyone else…I got both barrels.”
I take a breath through my nose and turn to look at Saul. He’s sitting very still and his jaw is working. But true to his word he’s not saying anything.
“There are so many stories I could tell you from when I was younger. So many tales, but that would take all day. I’ll give you one example though. My dad died from a heart attack, you know that. He’d taken me to dance and his work called needing him to come in and go over some paperwork or something…I don’t know. I remember him working a lot. Obviously, we always had a nice house and nice things, so I guess it was something important.” I shrug my shoulders wishing I knew more about him, but knowing I have nobody to ask but her.
“Anyway he told me he was popping to the office, and while he drove there he had a heart attack and crashed the car into a wall. I’m not sure whether the heart attack or the crash killed him. Either way it broke me.”
I take a moment staring into the garden and gathering my emotions. “When he didn’t come to get me I knew something was off. My dance teacher took me home that night, after finally getting hold of my mother, who didn’t want to come and get me. I don’t know what was said because Miss Macado never told me the entirety of it. I only know that she kept me that night, then took me to Pea’s gran who kept me for a week. It was a month before Christmas.”
I take a seat on the arm of the sofa. “When Christmas day rolled around, I got up and waited for my mother to come downstairs. Dad had always told me to wait for him to get up so he could see me open my gifts, so I sat beneath the tree waiting. I wasn’t really bothered about the gifts, even at nine I felt hollow, lost without my daddy. I waited for hours, Saul. It must have been two in the afternoon by the time she made an appearance. Walking into the lounge she just looked and me and snorted out, ‘Don’t expect a Merry Christmas from me, girl,’ then started the fire in the fireplace walking out of the room. She came back about ten minutes later with what looked like water but thinking on it now, it was probably more like vodka. I quietly said, ‘Merry Christmas, Mummy,’ and asked whether I should open my presents now. She went crazy, she told me that that was all I cared about. Did I like living in this house because unless she found a way to sort out some money we were going to be moving into a council house and she couldn’t bear that idea. She said if Dad had saved money instead of spending it on stupid presents for me, treating me like a fucking princess and spoiling me like the brat that I was, then maybe she wouldn’t be in the shit she was in. I remember asking whether my gifts under the tree were bought by Daddy. Feeling like the idea that he went out and bought the gifts for me himself, somehow made them more special and helped me feel more connected to him. She told me I was a selfish little bitch and that I didn’t deserve any gifts. She picked all my gifts out one by one and chucked them into the fire. Watching them burn, the bigger boxes were taken outside to the rubbish. She told me it was my fault she had no money and that he had died, because he was too busy running around after me and making me his first priority when all I really was…was an inconvenience.”
I’m still holding onto my emotions, it’s hard recounting this. I’ve never told anyone the whole truth and there will probably be a lot that Saul never learns. There’s absolutely no point. What’s done is done, and by looking at him now with his fists clenched in his lap, I’d rather he didn’t know everything.
“That was the sort of parent she was. And for the next five years, I learnt to deal with it. I had to stay quiet, keep out of her way, never complain and never ever cry.” I know the harder part is coming so I feel the need to pace again. I glance back at Saul and his eyes are alert, he knows what I’ve already told him and he knows as I’ve started pacing, that there’s a good chance this is worse.
He has no idea.
“Things started happening when I was fourteen, and I learnt a lot about my mother. About the company she kept and why I was made to stay out of the way. After that time at Christmas when she went crazy about money or lack thereof, we never ended up out of our house. I guess the bills were paid because we never had bailiffs coming to the door. Not that I was aware of anyway. We did, however, have strange men visiting all the time. When I was fourteen, it all slotted into place. Mother was a prostitute.”
I don’t look at Saul, for some reason I don’t want to see his reaction.
“High class, no doubt, but still selling herself. I stayed in my room when she had company as it got loud and I didn’t want to know what they were up to. One day though I hurt my hand and had to venture downstairs. That’s when he grabbed me the first time.”
I turn to Saul to see his knuckles have gone white and his jaw is solid, his eyes are narrowed and I can see the veins in his forearms. I know I need to sit down, to face him while I tell him the rest. Sitting opposite him so he can look into my eyes.
“The guy who grabbed me was called Patrick. He was one of my mother’s regulars I found out over time. She stopped him the first time he tried to touch me. She called me a slut like I was asking for it. He tried again and again over the years, always trying to corner me, attempting to make me go with him. He was strong, so he could physically make me do what he wanted. I always fought him. Most of the time, I got away.”
“Most of the time?” Saul growls breaking his silence.
I nod at him. “Yeah. He never raped me, if that’s what you’re thinking. He said I was pure and that he wanted to be the one to dirty me.” I feel a shiver creep up my back and Saul stands up and starts pacing.
I guess, it’s his turn to move.
“He didn’t get very far with me at all, a grope here and there. After he had declared that I was pure, I knew I needed to change that and quickly.”
Saul stops pacing and snaps his head to me.
“Sit down,” I whisper and as he must sense my change in tone and demeanour, he sits slowly, still all stiff and angry. “I needed to dirty myself. Pea had just turned sixteen and her and Con had gotten together. I’d spoken to you about me liking you, but you had always said it wasn’t going to happen. I needed to do something to make him back away and there was no other way. Well, none that I could see at that age. I wanted it to be you, but it couldn’t be.” I sigh and look at my hands stealing myself.
“What, just tell me,” Saul grinds out. My eyes lock with his to see fire burning in them, but not from lust…this fire is from anguish.
“I slept with Jason Marden.”
I watch as Saul closes his eyes and whispers, “Fuck.”
I feel tears starting to form in my eyes, hoping he’s not disappointed in me. “I just expected it to be sex, one time, just enough for me to somehow slip it into the conversation so Patrick would leave me alone. Only that’s not what happened.” I grit my teeth together waiting for the lump in my throat to dissipate. “I got pregnant.”
“Fuck!” Saul roars and I watch as his hand comes down banging onto the glass coffee table so hard that it shatters. I jump up from my seat and take a step away, not because I’m scared, but because I have glass on me. “Sorry, I’m so sorry,” Saul says hanging his head.
I sit down next to him. “Shhh, it’s okay. Don’t be sorry. However, do be ready as there’s m
ore.”
He buries his head in my lap and wraps his arms around my back. “Fuck babe, knew you were strong; didn’t know you were a warrior.” I feel a tear finally escape me and roll on its lonesome into the unknown. A bit like I always have.
“I never told Jason.” Saul jolts but doesn’t say anything or move. “I couldn’t not after I told my mother. She went crazy, and I made sure to tell her when Patrick was there, so he would know I was tainted. I remember his eyes burning into me like he wanted to hurt me or something. My mum screamed that I needed to get rid of it. That she was looking forward to me being out of her hair, and that she didn’t need another little shit to look after. She slapped me, then she punched me in the face and threw me against the sideboard. He stood there smirking the whole time. She made me go to my room and said she didn’t want to see me for the rest of the weekend. I was to collect some crisps and cans of pop to keep me in that room and if I came out before, there would be trouble. I don’t remember much about that weekend. I remember not being able to move out of my bed and feeling unwell. I don’t remember even going to the toilet. Late on the Sunday night mother must have felt guilty so she checked on me. I remember her coming in and saying ‘For fuck’s sake, I don’t need this shit now,’ but that’s all I remember. The next thing, I awoke in the hospital. A nurse explained that I’d had an ectopic pregnancy and that they had to remove one of my fallopian tubes, and that I nearly died. And Saul?” I nudge him now and he looks up at me. “I might never be able to have children. There’s a lower chance because I only have one tube left…you need to know that honey.” More tears are slipping from my eyes and I can see Saul’s eyes as the anger disappears slightly and love and warmth fill them instead.
“Whatever my future holds, babe, as long as it’s with you. I can roll with anything.”
I smile as tears freely assault my face. “So that’s most of the fucked up shit from years ago. That’s why I moved out at sixteen and why I don’t speak to my mother unless I have too. She told me I couldn’t cut contact. I don’t know why she wanted that, especially after how she had treated me for all those years. She knew, however, how Patrick felt about me, and she told me if I ignored her she would give him my friends addresses. Specifically Pea, seeing as she’s the one person who’s stayed in that house forever. So I did what she asked. Until recently. I was sick of her shit, so I took a stand.” I shake my head. “I brought it on myself.”
“What? Tell me, Soph,” Saul says as worry crosses his features.
“I didn’t realise it until about a week later, but the guy who attacked me a few months ago…that was Patrick!” I feel Saul’s body vibrating looking down at him, I can see he’s shaking with anger.
“Tell me everything. Now,” he demands and I nod.
“Well, everything that happened that night was exactly like how I’ve told it, but since then I’ve had the feeling I was being followed. I wanted to get away from Pea’s house to give Pea and Con their space, but also to draw out any threat that maybe mine away from them. I didn’t want to live on my own, so I was grateful when Dane asked me to move in here. I thought everything was okay, but this morning I got this through the letterbox. I haven’t opened it, but it’s handwritten and says ‘Cherry Pie’ on the front. That’s what Patrick used to call me.”
“Son of a bitch,” Saul shouts jumping up and kicking at the already smashed coffee table. “The letter.” Saul holds his hand out so I pass it to him worried myself about what it’s going to say. I watch Saul rip it open and read it. His eyes hardening with every second, his jaw moving back and forth.
“What does it say?” I ask, Saul just shakes his head.
“You don’t need to know, Soph.”
“I know, honey, but I want to. I need to face it. That’s why I told you because I don’t want us to have secrets.”
His eyes soften and he says, “Okay, babe.” And he starts reading.
Cherry Pie,
Did you think that just because I haven’t seen you ten years that I wouldn’t eventually find you? That I would give up? No. I spotted you first, and none of the other little boys are going to have you. They’re not going to take what belongs to me. This time I’m going to be smarter about how I deal with you.
I’m not letting you slip away again.
Saul sits next to me. “Soph, you’ve gone as white as a sheet. Don’t worry, we’re going straight to the police. You’re going to lay everything out to them. About him, your mother, all of it. Okay?” I nod automatically. He’s right, I need to get this dealt with. I’ve carried this around for years and I’m glad I have someone who wants to help me heal.
“I…” I hear sirens outside the house, and without thinking I rush up and out the door, with Saul hot on my heels. When we get outside, there’s an ambulance and a small crowd of about six people surrounding the paramedics. I walk up to the huddle and that’s when I spot Dane, lying in the middle of the road with a pool of blood around his head. Finally, I let the gates open as my tears come thick and fast and I collapse onto my knees. Saul holding me while grabbing his phone and calling someone. I can hear him saying the words ‘hospital, car and now,’ but then I shut off. Closing my eyes and praying that Dane will be okay.
“So, what have they said?” Con asks me down the phone line.
“Nothing yet,” I answer wanting to get off the call and back to Soph.
“Fuck!” he replies.
“Yeah, that sounds about right,” I tell him.
“I just wanted to give her something good to hold onto while we drive back,” he says sighing. I rub the back of my neck and stare at the floor kicking the loose stones outside the hospital entrance.
“I get that man, I do. Is she still asleep?”
“Yeah, thank fuck. She freaked the hell out when I told her. Fuck man, I thought she was going to end up in the hospital too. She can’t lose anyone else.”
I place my hand against the wall above my head and lean forward trying to take in a breath. With everything that’s happened I haven’t had time to think about the possibility of losing him.
My brother.
“Listen Con, there’s more shit that has gone down. I need to talk to you when you’re back.”
“Of course,” he replies immediately.
“Right, I’m gone. I need to be with Soph, and she’s all alone in there.” I straighten and start walking back to the entrance.
“Later,” he tells me before I cut off the phone, slipping it into my pocket and walking back inside the hospital. Stopping as I turn the corner to watch Soph. She’s sitting there staring into space. It’s like she’s switched off. She never cries and with everything she’s told me and then coming out to find Dane like that, her dam burst. But since then she’s closed everything up and I think maybe her walls have gone back up, higher than ever. On top of everything else that’s going on, I might need to break through to her again. And I just don’t know if I’m capable of doing that all by myself. That’s why I need Con, and also why I need Dane to get the fuck better. I need my brothers.
I can’t believe he got to Dane. It’s the only thing that makes sense. It’s because of me that Dane is in here. He might die!
“Hey,” I hear Saul say as he slips into the seat beside me.
“Hey,” I reply.
“Any news yet?” he asks and I shake my head no. Dane’s his brother, he must be finding things hard.
I slip my hand into his. “I’m sorry,” I tell him squeezing his hand.
He looks over at me with his brows furrowed. “What are you sorry for, babe?” he asks while I look down at our entwined hands.
“For Dane. You must realise it was Patrick.” When I say his name, Saul squeezes my hand. I don’t even think he realises he’s doing it.
“Honey, you’re hurting me,” I whisper and he instantly releases my hand.
“Sorry, Soph.”
He shakes his head. “I thought the same thing as you. We need to talk to the police,” he tells
me.
“I already have.” His head twists to me and surprise is written all over his face. “They came by a few minutes ago. They said they’d need a full statement and so I told them I’ll go in tomorrow. They were fine with that.”
He nods at me. “Yeah, babe. We’ll go together.” I feel relief wash over me with his words. I know he’s told me time and again that he will always want to be with me. That I’m his and he’s mine, but I laid a fuckload of stuff on him today, which has now been topped off by his brother getting hurt, because of something in my history. So I did have a spark of doubt. I didn’t tell him though, not because I wanted to keep it from him, but because I figure he doesn’t need me to pile anything else on his plate at the moment. He’s allowed me to start breaking free of my past and in doing so, I’m able to believe that I can rebuild my brokenness. But, I don’t want him to lose himself trying to find me.
Be brave.
“Saul, I’m okay. You know, just in case you were worried about me. I just…well…I’m scared, for Dane. But I feel like now I have you I can tackle anything. But I want to make sure you understand that although I feel that way, it doesn’t mean that I need to lean on you all the time or that you need to be strong for me. I want us to be equals. Dane is your brother, and I need you to know that you can lean on me too.” I smile as he studies my face finally settling on my eyes.
“I was worried,” he says softly and I pull in my eyebrows. “I’ve spent so long wanting to be here and I’m happy that we’re together. I will do anything needed to make sure we’re okay and that I protect you. But, I’ll admit, I was scared. I thought you were going to shut down. You were brave, Soph, you told me things that you’ve kept hidden from everyone for years and I’m so proud of you. Now, I also know the extent of not only your past, but what’s happening right now. I need to make sure you’re safe, and I’m not sure I can do that and fight to bring your walls down at the same time. I’m just glad that our page hasn’t changed and that were both in the story together.”
Love Resisted (Entwined Hearts #2) Page 13
