Suddenly it turned quiet. There was not even a breeze to awaken the trees around them. Those imperial blue eyes had always demanded distance, and their sudden spark of frailty sucked the anger right out of him. He sat back down, felt the weight of her confession. “He took advantage. You were too young to make that call.”
She shrugged as if to undermine the gravity of what she’d just admitted. “It’s life. We all make our choices based on the convictions we’re raised with. I never once felt guilty for my actions, but I did feel less after it happened. I think that’s the hardest part about mistakes: Sometimes the consequences aren’t physical. Sometimes they simply chip away at the essence of who you are.”
Compassion overwhelmed him. “And sometimes they force you to change and become more than you ever thought possible.”
She squeezed his hand, and he wrapped his fingers around hers before she could withdraw them. With his other hand, he pushed a stray hair back behind her ear. He wished he could show her how beautiful she looked, with her melancholy eyes and trembling lips. She said he was better than other men, but he doubted she realized how unbelievably special and unique she’d become. That rawness; that real, honest truth: he knew better than most that those qualities didn’t exist in too many people.
Swallowing hard, she pulled her hand away and shook off her shattered expression.
“You wanna take a walk?” She tightened her ponytail. “I could really use a walk.”
“Sure.” And he knew exactly where he wanted to take her.
CHAPTER 19
A chill chased down Katie’s arms even though it was muggy and hot. Asher had once again stripped down her defenses, exposed her in a way that terrified her. She was just supposed to bring him a meal, not dump her sad story on him.
They walked down from his deck. “There’s this path I made that goes down to the reservoir,” he said. “I take it sometimes when I need to think or pray.”
“Sounds perfect.”
He led the way, their steps pounding softly on the leaf-ridden trail, and pulled a small aerosol can from his pocket. “Let me spray you. Trust me, you’ll thank me for it.”
She stood quietly while Asher sprayed repellent over her bare arms and legs. The act of kindness was a natural one, and hardly meant to be arousing, yet her pulse spiked and her cheeks flushed with the same heat she’d felt in the back of his SUV.
He extended the bottle. “You mind?”
“No.” Katie cleared her dry throat. “Not at all.”
He spread out his long, tan arms, allowing her to spray his exposed skin. Every beautiful, muscled square inch of it. He dipped his head so she could get to the back of his neck, and the desire to kiss a trail to his ear slammed into her like a freight train. This was ridiculous. Her hormones were raging worse than a preteen’s.
He tucked the bottle into his pocket and placed a hand on her back to guide her forward. She startled at the contact and speed walked until she took the lead by several feet.
Tall, thin trees with overgrown shrubs sandwiched in between lined each side of the path. The air was thick with humidity, bringing out the sharp aroma of dewdropped vegetation and moss-covered bark.
She peeked at him over her shoulder. “How did you ever clear this path?” The land was the same here as it was behind her parents’ place, where thick thorny vines and large-limbed bushes blocked off any kind of entry into the abandoned woods.
“There’s this fabulous tool called the chainsaw. It works wonders on the trees. The mosquitoes, not so much. The first day, I wore shorts and a T-shirt.”
“Oh no.”
Asher laughed. “Oh yes. Head-to-toe welts. Now I keep a can of bug spray with me any time I venture outside.”
They fell into a companionable silence, the snapping of twigs under their feet in harmonic rhythm with the surrounding nature.
A few steps later, the trees cleared some, and the path grew wide enough for Asher to move into the space next to her. Their arms swung close together, their hands almost touching along their sides.
“I’m thinking I might build another deck down by the water. I can picture little boys running up the path with a bucket and fishing poles.” She heard longing in his voice. Buried hurt. His feet slowed until he drifted to a stop in the middle of the trail.
“I really am sorry about Jillian. I know it’s been hard for you.”
He kicked a rock off the path, watched it bounce until it landed by an unsuspecting tree. “I’m realizing these days it’s less about the breakup and more about the future that will never be.”
She wanted to kick a rock too, just to show him that she, too, understood what it was like to lose a preplanned future. But unlike her, he deserved to have all his dreams. “You’ll find someone better one day. And then you’ll have your boys and your deck.”
He peeked over at her. “You think so?”
A flutter shot through her abdomen. She blamed his complete lack of arrogance. He had no idea how desirable he’d become. “Um, yeah. Women are likely falling over themselves for a shot at Fairfield’s most eligible bachelor.”
“And what about you?”
She didn’t know how to interpret the new gentleness in his tone, or why it vibrated against her insides. Maybe because if things had been different, she’d be doing everything in her power to knock out the competition.
Fire burned her cheeks. “I don’t think women are going to be falling at my feet anytime soon.”
“So there’s no man in your life?” He didn’t change his tone or even react to her cheesy joke. “No one’s waiting for you down in Florida?”
“I’ve never dated a man who thought I was worth waiting for.”
He hesitated, then kicked another rock. “You’ve dated some really stupid men.”
“Yes, I definitely have.” But even as she said it, Katie felt the weight of Cooper’s threat. How different would this chat be if Asher really knew her secrets? He saw a wounded girl. A victim of circumstance and poor parenting. But she’d long ago buried the innocent version of herself.
She started moving forward again, faster this time. She and Cooper were both destructive, dark. Asher was all things good and bright. Mixing the two would only tarnish his shine.
The crescendo of insects drowned out her sad thoughts as she and Asher sank deeper into the forest. He’d gone silent again, and despite her heart warning against their growing attachment, she wanted to know the rest of his story.
“What about your parents? How did they respond to Jillian’s dad?”
He grabbed a stray branch that blocked their way and snapped it off so they could pass. “They asked me outright what really happened. I told them, and they prayed with me.” He shook his head. “My dad fought the elders’ decision for a month. But in the end, I couldn’t be there, knowing what was happening behind the scenes. I left the church and hadn’t been back until that first Sunday I saw you.”
The thought warmed Katie’s chest. That was why he’d looked so relieved to see her. He understood. “I was there this morning.”
“I know.”
The squawk of a bird told Katie they were nearing the water. “A lady invited me to some group in her house.”
Asher stumbled as he attempted to cut down another limb. “Are you going?”
“No. Definitely not.” Although Katie wasn’t sure she believed her own words. Annie had been kind. Too kind. The idea of brushing her off felt wrong, for some reason. “I don’t know. What do you think?”
He ran a hand through his hair. “I think it’s up to you. Home groups are a good way to meet people who share your faith. They may really be an encouragement to you.”
“Or a room full of people judging every word out of my mouth.”
“That’s true. I guess you’ll have to decide if it’s worth the risk.”
“Have you ever been to one?”
His pace slowed, and she could feel his burden return. “A long time ago. Before the Jillian thing.”
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She wished she could think of something perfect to say. Something to chase away his sorrow. “Is there anyone that you still talk to? Friends?”
“Right now?” His gaze was a caress as much as it was an apology. “It’s just you.”
Her heart tumbled to her stomach. She ached to touch him. To hold his hand or bury her fingers in his messy blond curls. He made her feel special, and she’d never been special. Different, crazy, a good time. But never special.
He glanced away, through the trees. “We’re close to the water now.”
The walkway began to slope down and curve. The trees parted, and immediately the sour smell of algae and decaying foliage hit her as the watering hole appeared before them. The simple pond had a diameter of maybe fifty feet, its shoreline a mix of swamp trees and thick mud. The still water glistened in the sun while invisible insects created tiny ripples. It wasn’t a majestic sight, but being in the midst of Asher’s dream spot made the experience unforgettable.
“It’s beautiful,” Katie whispered.
“You think? It kinda smells like dead fish.” But the affection in his voice contradicted his words. He loved this place. She could see it in the way he held his chin, in the smile that touched his lips the minute they stopped.
“It also smells like adventure and nature and everything your future sons will love.”
“I hope so.” He stared off into the distance again, to a memory or maybe into the future he wanted so badly. “Jillian hated it. She only came once and complained the whole time.”
It surprised Katie how much his statement bothered her. She wanted this spot to be theirs alone and not marred by the ghost of the fake blonde who’d cut him so deeply. “It sounds like you’ve also dated your share of stupid people.”
He laughed, but there wasn’t any depth behind it. Squatting down, he picked up a few stray rocks and tossed them into the serene water. “I’m tired of being bitter,” he admitted.
“Then don’t be.”
His hand froze midthrow. “The whole ‘no feeling’ thing isn’t as easy for me as it is for you.”
“I don’t think feeling is your problem.” Her voice tightened defensively. She wasn’t used to his sarcasm being directed at her. “Seems to me all you’ve done is feel. You’ve told me you’ve been sad, angry, and hurt. I think the greater question is: when is it going to be enough? When are you going to stop punishing yourself and everyone else for that one mistake?”
Lord knew if Asher couldn’t find forgiveness, her plight was hopeless.
“I don’t know.” He stood, brushed his hands against his jeans. He’d been far away the entire walk, deep inside his own head, but when he looked at her this time, he was present, focused. Determined. “Maybe this is where it starts. Right here.”
She didn’t move when he came closer, his eyes lingering on hers long after the words had become an echo in the air. She’d been so careful to keep her distance, to minimize any accidental touching that could drop them back in that dark car where impulse trumped good sense. But he suddenly felt magnetic.
His mouth turned soft, and so did his voice. “I’m not the only who needs to stop punishing himself.”
And reality came crashing down. He lifted his hand, but she moved away before he could consider making contact. The cruel twist of irony was that she hadn’t been punished. Not really. Not for any of it.
Katie feigned interest in the sky. “Sun’s gonna set soon. We’d better get back.”
Confusion flashed across his face, but he gave her the space she desperately needed.
They weren’t the same. Not even close.
In his story, Asher was the victim. In hers, she was one of the villains.
CHAPTER 20
Katie spent the next three days hiding. From herself, from Asher, from the million tasks she needed to accomplish. She had the name and address of the first pawnshop and had even driven halfway there at least three times before turning back around. As much as she wanted to find the ring, she also knew her search was likely to be futile. Pawnshops rarely kept inventory that long, and Katie wasn’t ready to trade the idea of a yes for a probable no. Not yet.
She took a bite of a grease-soaked chicken leg. Her dad had brought home fried chicken, okra, and a gallon of sweet tea. A nice reprieve after she had cooked all week.
Her parents tore into their own pieces, neither one saying a whole lot to the other. There’d been the casual “How was your day?” and “How are you feeling?” Both questions were answered with “fine,” and then they returned to their dinner. She wondered why she’d worked so hard to clear out the kitchen. Her dad seemed almost disappointed to lose his excuse for eating dinner in front of the TV.
Katie wiped her mouth with a napkin. “How were sales today?” She’d spent most of the day in her room, sorting through the dresser stuffed with papers. She had planned to finish the living room first, but she’d needed to get away from her mother’s verbal jabs.
“Three closed out. I’ve got the boxes ready for you to take tomorrow.”
“Good.”
And silence won out again.
Katie tapped her fingers on her leg. It was rare for both parents to be in one place at the same time, and Annie’s words about the town’s rebirth had been stewing in her mind since Sunday.
“So, Dad, did you know that Fairfield is now considered a growing town? I even heard land prices have doubled in the past few years.”
Her dad monotonously chewed, then swallowed. “That’s the rumor.”
“Have you priced out your place? I mean, you’re sitting on ten acres of land.” Land they had no way of maintaining.
“No reason to. We’re not going anywhere,” he said.
Her mother was fully engaged now, staring at Katie like she was sifting through every syllable to get to its hidden meaning. There wasn’t any. Katie just wished she could see her parents in a place they could actually keep up. She wasn’t going to be in Fairfield much longer, and the thought of all her hard work going to waste, and them falling right back into filth, was unacceptable.
Katie clutched her napkin. “I just think maybe you two should consider the future. Your back has gone out twice just since I’ve been home, Dad. And Mom, wouldn’t you be happier in a wider space where you could move around freely?”
Her dad dropped his fork with a loud, frustrated clang. “We’re not sellin’ our home. Just get that thought out of your head.” He shoved away from the table, rattling the dishes in his haste. Flinging open the refrigerator door, he threw her one last warning glare before grabbing his faithful after-dinner beer. “I’ll be in the living room.”
Katie sank lower in her chair. Her parents were unreasonable and stubborn.
“You haven’t even been home a month, and you’re already trying to stuff me into some nursing home.” The ice in her mom’s voice could have chilled a room full of hot coals.
“That’s not what I’m doing. I found this place; it’s a community of houses. They mow your yard, have group dinners. There’s even a full-time nurse available for home visits.”
“Like I said, I ain’t going to some old folks’ home.” Her mom’s hand jerked, missing her glass by mere centimeters. Her skin was blotchy, her frizzy brown hair a snarled mess. “The doc said this medicine could reverse the damage. I ain’t giving up until it does.”
The operative word there was could, and Katie hadn’t yet seen any signs of reversal. If anything, her mother had become less stable, needing longer and longer breaks between activities. She needed a walker, not a cane.
“I just think y’all should consider it. Have a Realtor come—”
“Stop!” her mom shouted, her head twitching erratically with the adrenaline rush. “You worry about fixin’ your own messes and stop prying into mine. I knew you were here to try and milk money out of this house. Well, it ain’t gonna work. I ain’t like old Ms. Blanchard, believing that you have a soul, when deep down we all knew you were waiting to shovel a hol
e for her burial.”
Katie tried to set her fork down, but it hit the plate with a clatter and skittered across the table. That may have been who she was before, but not now. “Do you honestly think I’d slave over this house for some greedy payout? I had a life, Mom. A life that was good and stable and finally on track. I left it to come here and help you. But you refuse to see the difference.”
“You call this a difference? What’s changed, Katie? Other than you’ve replaced Cooper with Asher.”
“That’s not true.”
“Isn’t it? You bounce from people to people, leaving scars on everyone you touch. What about Laila and Chad? I clearly remember you telling me I wasn’t your family, they were. You swore you’d take a bullet for them, yet here you stand, and they’re the ones destroyed.” She made a disgusted sound, and the lines deepened in her face. “And now you’re on to your next casualty with that poor boy next door. What do you want from him? Another house? Another family? Is that it—you want the preacher’s wife to be your new mommy?”
A rush of anger fired through Katie. She stood up abruptly, her hands shaking almost as much as her mother’s. “If she had been my mom, I probably would have turned out a whole lot better. We both know that mothering me wasn’t your top priority.”
“Bull.” Her mom didn’t even flinch. “Some people are just rotten apples. No matter what tree they fall from.”
The words shouldn’t have hurt. They should’ve bounced right off her skin like they did all through high school and beyond. But this time something inside Katie broke. Not her heart, but something worse. Her belief that things could be different. That she could be different.
She grabbed her purse and slammed the front door so hard the windows rattled in protest. She didn’t bother looking toward Asher’s property. There were no answers there, just confusion and longing and a picture of what could have been if only she wasn’t so screwed up.
She turned her key in the ignition, and the engine roared to life. She didn’t know where she was going; she only knew that she had to leave. Slamming on the gas, she peeled out of the driveway, sending a spray of dust behind her old Camry. She needed to drive. To drive and escape and do something stupid and reckless and crazy.
My Hope Next Door Page 12
