by C. A. Harms
His father offered me a large sum of money to walk away without asking for anything more. I tore the check up in his face. The man was lucky that was all I did. I didn’t need anything from him. Blake had already taken out a life insurance policy after his parents refused to accept me or our child. We hoped to never have to use it, but he liked to plan ahead; he tended to be prepared for anything. The beneficiary was me, and that money would be put aside for our son, along with the money we both had been working so hard to save. It was what we referred to as ‘Our Future Fund.’ We planned to use it to buy our first home, once we decided where to settle.
I wasn’t worried about me, I just needed to make sure that no matter what, I could provide for our son.
My daddy was a farmer, and the solitude of my childhood home was what I needed. The land went on for hundreds of acres, and on the property he had more than one small home for his farmhands.
If they had their way I would have been moving back into my old room. After a long talk with both of them, they agreed to fix up the two bedroom home a mile down the road and allow me to live in it. My daddy’s only stipulation was that it was rent free. He knew he had me because I needed my own space, yet I still needed them close. I would make sure to pay them back in other ways.
Most of my classes were just finishing up, and I was allowed an extension due to the accident. After I finished before Christmas break, I transferred to the University in Statesboro Georgia to finish the rest of my degree. With it only being less than twelve miles from my hometown of Brooklet, it worked out well.
Last week I received my college degree in early education. I was now free to join the working world as a teacher.
I contacted all the local schools for the next school year, and now I would just have to wait and see how it went. The summer would give me the chance to get settled, a little more time to grieve and build the foundation I needed to move forward with raising my son.
With each passing day Rhett was looking more and more like his daddy. From the dark wavy hair on his head, all the way down to the way his pinky toenail curled around the top of his toe when it got too long.
Every time he giggled or laughed, I felt guilty for enjoying it. Blake was missing out on such a sweet sound. I found this website online that made toys with photos inside. I thought it would be kind of cool to place photos of Blake inside a few of Rhett’s toys. The problem was I couldn’t bring myself to let him chew on them or throw them around. Instead they now sat on a shelf along with dozens of other photos I had of us together.
I walked over to the bookshelf next to the television and picked up the black and white photo of us. We were sitting on campus near a big oak tree. A friend of ours took it. Blake had one hand on each side of my swollen belly while he placed a gentle kiss on my stomach. My head was thrown back in the act of laughing, and it was one of the best moments we had shared. We spent that day in complete happiness, and I wanted those days back so badly. I wanted to feel his arms around me again. I ached so badly to wake up with my head on his chest, to hear his heartbeat beneath me or feel his breath tickle my neck.
With every milestone Rhett reached, the ache only felt deeper and harder to bear. I had hoped that with time things would have gotten better, a little easier to move on. I just felt as if I were hollow and broken. A mere shell of my former self.
Rhett’s soft cry spilling through the baby monitor caused me to jump in surprise. I wiped the tears from my cheek, placing a kiss on the picture frame over Blake. I carefully placed it back into its designated spot on the shelf.
As I entered the nursery, the sight of my little man’s legs going a hundred miles an hour brought a much needed smile to my face.
I leaned over the side of his crib and placed my hand on his tummy. “Well, hi there, sweet boy.” He cooed louder, and I couldn’t fight against the laugh that erupted. “Oh my, aren’t we just a happy little guy?” I picked him up and snuggled him close. I still fought the emotions that flooded me every single time I held Rhett. Every kiss and smile we shared was also so bittersweet.
Why was life so unfair? I asked myself that question every day. Blake loved me like I needed to be loved. There wasn’t a day that had gone by he didn’t make sure I knew how much I meant to him. He was such a loving man, and I couldn’t understand how God could take him away from us.
The hardest thing was moving on without him and accepting that I would never again get the chance to see that beautiful man’s smile or to hear his laughter. His touch that I craved would go unfelt. The comfort of having him near would never again soothe me. I would be left feeling empty and shattered.
I was left without him to push forward, and that was one of the hardest things I would ever be forced to face.
Chapter Two
“Kori, why don’t you let me and your dad watch Rhett tonight?” I swiveled around in the chair to face my momma, who was cutting up the apples for her famous pie. She never looked up as she continued to peel and slice.
“Why?”
This time she placed the knife on the countertop and lifted her head. “Sweetheart, you have spent the last six and a half months hiding out. You’ve ignored Maria’s phone calls and pretended to be busy. I think it would be good for you to get out and meet up with a few old friends.”
I just shook my head and looked down at Rhett as he smacked his hands against the rattles on his bouncer.
“Kori, it’s okay to have fun, honey. It doesn’t mean you didn’t love him, or that he isn’t still a big part of who you are.” She knelt before me, placing her hands on my knees. She gave me a gentle, reassuring squeeze.
The tears began to roll down my cheeks. “Don’t you understand, Momma? Every single day that passes, it becomes harder for me to remember. I can’t remember his smile. I’m starting to forget what his laugh sounded like. I don’t wanna forget those things.” I stood up from the table and walked to the back sliders. “I need to hold on to what I have left. The moment I move on and I allow those little things that are still remaining in my mind to disappear…” I took in a shuddering breath before continuing, “then he disappears too.”
I felt strong arms wrap around my shoulders and pull me back. I turned to look up into my father’s tear filled eyes. I had no idea he had even come into the room until just now.
“Darlin’, you will always have a part of Blake with you.” He turned me to face him, keeping his hands firmly on my shoulders. “You have a piece of him that no one else will ever have. Every day you’ll get a glimpse of him in the face of that handsome little boy right there.” He pointed to Rhett, and my chest tightened as more tears spilled over. “You can’t spend the rest of your life feeling guilty because you lived. Blake wouldn’t want that, baby girl, and you know it.” He brushed the tears from my cheeks. “That man hated your tears. He couldn’t take seeing you frown and did everything in his power to make sure you had a million reasons to smile.”
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, attempting to calm my shuddering chest. “It’s just so hard to let go, Daddy.”
“Oh, darlin’, you don’t have to let go. You never have to let go…just live on. Live every day as a thanks for the memories you two shared while he was here. Celebrate the life you both created together.” He knelt to the floor and lifted Rhett from his bouncer and turned to face me. “We will all make sure that Blake is present in this boy’s life the best we can. Rhett will know how much his daddy loved him even before he was born. There won’t be a day that passes that we won’t remind Rhett that his daddy would be so proud of him. That he is with him even though we can’t see him. Sweetheart, he will be with us in our memories.”
My daddy held out Rhett, and I took him in my arms, pulling him close, feeling his soft hair tickle my nose as I breathed him in.
“It is time to start living again, beautiful girl. That is what Blake would have wanted for you. That boy, he never would have wanted you to suffer the way you have been.”
My daddy was r
ight, I knew that. It never made the task any easier, though. The daily regrets and famous game of ‘What If’ kept me from living. I constantly had the emptiness in the pit of my stomach and struggled daily with the simple tasks. I needed him so badly.
The hardest thing was I never got to say goodbye. Did he know how much he meant to me? How much his love meant to me? Did he have any idea how much I loved him in return?
Chapter Three
“Just go easy on me…please. Lord knows you could cause someone to go into shock with your mad shopping skills. This is supposed to be relaxing.” Maria pulled me along to the next store. I swore the girl wasn’t satisfied unless she bought one item from each place.
After about two weeks of my parents pushing and Maria’s continuing visits, I caved. I decided to allow her to drag me along while she shopped. Now here I was, going into the twentieth store with my one small purchase. She lugged along at least ten bags of her own. Things hadn’t changed even a little. She always had more clothes than our entire graduating class, and now I thought she was in competition with the entire county.
“After this store we’re getting something to eat. I need sustenance, girl, and these damn Jelly Belly’s aren’t cutting it.” I smiled as Maria rolled her eyes. Three stores ago she got tired of me complaining about being hungry, so she bought a box of Assorted Jelly Belly’s. Normally they would satisfy me, but she had been at it now for three hours.
“Okay, whiney ass, let’s go eat.” It was the funniest thing to see her attempt to pout and be disappointed. I hadn’t realized just how much I’d missed her until now. Growing up as an only child, Maria was like the sister I had always wanted. She came from a family of five. Yes, I said five, and they’re all brothers. She was more than happy to hide away at my house when we were younger. It always gave her a much needed break from all the testosterone floating around. Her brothers were all older, and she was never really that close to them. Her daddy ran off when she was three, and by that time her brothers were old enough to go along with him. Maria was the surprise that shocked both of her parents. There were fourteen years between her and her youngest brother. The saddest thing was that her daddy had been inactive in her life. The man had no idea how badly he was missing out.
Once we were seated and placed our orders, the silence set in. It was almost uncomfortable. I knew she wanted to ask, I could tell she had concerns. I could also tell she was a little uneasy thinking she may bring up a hard topic.
I smiled politely as the waitress sat our drinks on the table in front of us. After she stepped away I decided to break the silence. “Just ask me…I won’t break, Maria.”
I could see the glossiness of her eyes as she looked down at her hands, toying with the napkin surrounding her silverware. After a moment of further silence, her eyes met mine.
“I know you’ve had a really hard time since you moved back here. I just really miss you. I’ve missed my best friend since you left for Boston.” She swiped at a lone tear. “I know that Reed broke your heart, but I just wish his mistake hadn’t cost me. The closeness we used to have kinda disappeared with time, and I hate that. I just want to be here for you. I want you to know that I am here no matter what. I don’t care what time it is, day or night…I’m here.”
“Thank you. I’ve missed you too.”
“Okay, enough of the sappy shit, we need to plan a night out.”
“Oh no, I think I’ll stick to the random shopping trips for now. I’m not ready yet for all the town’s drama.” I laughed as she crinkled up her nose. “Oh seriously, don’t act like I’m lying. This place is just nipping at the bit to get inside my head. The moment I step out and people from school see me, they’ll be like god damn vultures swarming their prey. And I refuse to get eaten alive.”
“Come on, I need a reason to wear my killer red boots I just bought. Besides, if anyone runs at the mouth, I’ll drop kick the bitches.” She laughed.
There were mainly two people I was trying to avoid—Reed and Kimberly. I wasn’t sure I was ready for either one of them, and I told her so.
“Don’t hide away because of them. Kim’s known around here as the town whore, so no worries there.” She paused as the waitress sat our food down on the table. “Have you seen him since you’ve been back in town?” I could only shake my head no. Handling a run-in with Reed right now was definitely not on my To Do list. I wasn’t actually sure I would ever be properly prepared for that encounter. I had been tucked away on my daddy’s farm or inside with my little man, safe from Reed.
***
Later that night after I put Rhett to bed, I pulled out my old album of Blake and me. Pulling a beer from the fridge, I made my way to the swing on the front porch and leisurely flipped through our memories.
He had the most amazing smile. One that always made my insides melt into a puddle of lovesick girl. He was such a happy guy. In fact, I had rarely seen him upset or angry. He was the guy everyone loved to be around. The guy who would give anyone the shirt off his back. He was the kind of man I always dreamed of spending my life with.
I was lucky enough to fall in love twice in my life, and most people wished for it to happen at least once. After Reed broke my heart, I vowed to never let another man get that close. The moment Blake kissed me for the first time…hell, that battle was lost, because he consumed me.
I only wished I had thought of ways to create lasting memories while he was alive, so I could share them with Rhett and give him a better idea of who his daddy really was.
I was now left feeling as if I were only failing my son. I had nothing to give him of his father’s. I had no idea how to teach him what kind of man his daddy was. The thought of Rhett never knowing the loving man who helped create him was crippling, and I felt numb with agony.
Chapter Four
I stood in front of the full length mirror, spinning from side to side. I thought I had changed my top at least ten times, and I still wasn’t satisfied this was the right one. I flopped down on the bed and threw myself backward with a loud groan.
A snicker from the doorway had me laughing in return. I looked up to find Maria standing there, holding Rhett. “Your momma’s having a little breakdown, buddy. This is called a clothing crisis, and when your girlfriend has one later in life, you just need to remember one thing.” She paused and looked at me, smiling. “She is beautiful, and no matter what she wears that will never change.” Maria winked before turning with my boy to walk back toward the living room, leaving me alone with my thoughts.
“Baby what’s taking so long? We’re gonna be late.”
I stepped from the bedroom and looked up to meet Blake’s gorgeous green eyes staring at me. That damn smile made my knees weak. He took a step toward me and placed his hands on my hips. “Why the long face, beautiful girl?”
“Nothing fits me anymore. I feel like a beached whale, and my ass is huge.”
I felt his hands slip around my hips as he cupped my butt. He leaned in and placed a sweet kiss against my lips. “You’re gorgeous, Kori. There isn’t a thing about you that could be considered huge. Your body is amazing, and every day you only get more beautiful.”
“You’re just biased.”
He let his head fall back and chuckled deeply. “Oh, baby, I may be biased, but it’s true. I love you so much, sweet girl. You look perfect, baby…you always do.”
I sat up from the bed with a newfound confidence. It was funny how my memories of Blake still had the ability to make me feel beautiful. I pulled myself together and finished getting ready.
When I emerged from the bedroom I had to laugh. I found my best friend crawling around on the kitchen floor, barking like a dog, as Rhett watched her from his bouncer. She would randomly stop and bark these yappy little barks. The moment she began to shake her ass, appearing to wag her imaginary tail, I lost it. I was hunched over in the hallway, holding my ribs, tears streaming down my cheeks.
“Shut up…I’d do anything for this little guy. If it means crawling ar
ound on the floor looking like an escaped patient from the nearest mental facility, so be it. It’s worth every second if I get to see him smile and hear that sweet little giggle.”
I wiped the tears from my cheeks, clearing my throat. “Tell me about it, his smile looks more and more like his daddy’s every day. That smile right there, it keeps me going.” I kissed his slobbery cheek, and he grabbed a fist full of my hair in return.
“Let’s get you to Granny’s house, she’s already called twice. I think she’s going through Rhett withdrawal.”
***
We pulled up to the old bar at the edge of town, and the familiarity of the place flowed over me. I remembered my daddy playing poker here on Saturday nights when I was young. The nights he would call Momma to come and pick him up, after he had one too many with the boys. I also remembered skinning my knee on the parking lot after my daddy told me to wait in the truck. All he had to do was run in to grab his poker chips. Of course I didn’t listen, but I blamed it on the cute little kitten. I chased him under the shed on the side of the building. The moment I heard my daddy’s voice, I ran for the truck, only to fall to my knees as I tripped over my own feet. When my knees hit the ground, my left one connected with a piece of glass. I still had the nasty scar to remind me I should have just listened.
“Are you ready?”
I watched as Maria opened the door of her Jeep and climbed out. I took one last deep breath and let it out slowly. “Let’s do this,” I whispered to myself before stepping out of the Jeep to follow her inside.
I smiled at the country music filling the bar, thinking about how Blake would be scrunching up his nose. He always said every damn country song was the same…someone broke your heart, now drink another beer. Our taste in music was one of the only things we used against each other. He preferred the loud screeching music that sounded like someone was strangling a cat.
