by Aj Estelliam
‘Alright…whatever.’
I watched as she climbed onto the bed and lay down beside me. I reached for the cover and pulled them up over both of us. It felt strangely intimate to be lying in bed beside her. I was more than a little uncomfortable and wondered how I would ever sleep.
‘Are you going to sleep now?’ she asked.
‘I might try,’ I murmured.
‘Okay.’
I turned off the television. ‘Night then,’ I said, softly.
‘Night.’
‘Will, uh…what will happen in the morning?’ she asked.
‘I don’t know yet,’ she replied. ‘It depends on the luck they’ve had tonight in the field. Try not to think about it…just sleep.’
‘Yeah,’ I sighed, wishing I could stop thinking and that others could too. It was making my brain ache. I reached over and turned the bedside light out which was on my side. I noticed Jess did not do the same on hers. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep.
Sleep, however, did not come easily. My body was exhausted but my mind refused to shut down. I ran through the events of the day and fear filled me as I remembered the poor woman’s plight whilst captive in the hole. It was heart-breaking to relive and I tried to shake off the scene.
As my mind moved elsewhere, I slipped into sleep. I clearly wasn’t destined to have a restful night though as a new scene emerged…
I was in a house and it was night time. I was little…only a child and I was so, so very scared. Sat in my bed, with the covers pulled around me, I shivered in fear. My eyes darted this way and that in the darkness, looking for monsters-which in my life, were sadly very real.
My hands reached for my stomach and lower, and sticky residue filled my palm. My bleeding was getting worse. I began to cry a little, but without sound-fear kept me from crying aloud. I lay down and my small body shook with tremendous force. I hugged myself tightly, and then froze in fear as the unmistakable footfall on the stair began. Ice-cold fear laced through every fibre of my being. I tried to gather my strength for another round of a well-known battle but when the door opened, I saw this time was going to be different. He walked towards me with a slow stagger. His hand lifted and the gun’s nozzle was placed against my forehead. Cold, hard metal pressed against my skin. I almost wept with relief.
I woke with a shock, my body starting violently. Immediately, the detective beside me was awake and ready for action.
‘What happened?’ she asked, awake in an instant.
I sat up and hugged my knees to my chest. ‘Nothing…nothing…’
‘Something must have happened!’
‘Just a dream. A bad dream. I seem to be experiencing a lot of bad dreams since this head thing of mine.’
‘What happened in the dream?’ she asked.
‘Well, I think it was about you-so I guess I shouldn’t go into it…’
‘About me?’ she questioned, looking wary.
‘Yes. At least you as a child, perhaps. I don’t know…it was kind of confusing.’
‘I don’t want you getting in my head,’ she said quietly.
‘No, I know, Jess-but it was a dream! I can’t help what I dream! It’s not as if I want to see what I just saw! Christ, it was horrific! I know you don’t want to talk about it, and I can see why, but maybe you should! If I’d been through some of the things you have, I definitely wouldn’t be in the place you are today!’
‘You don’t know what I’ve been through,’ she said, turning away.
‘You’re right, I don’t. I could never understand just how bad things have been for you. The thing is-I’ve seen some of it. I guess you don’t talk about it. I can understand the reasons why. What I’m trying to say-not very coherently is…. well, if you ever did want to talk about it-I’m here.’
She nodded in the faint light. ‘Thanks.’
I went quiet for a moment.
‘I’d like to sleep now.’
‘Okay,’ I murmured.
‘Try and not dream this time,’ she ordered.
‘I’ll try,’ I said softly, and turned over in the bed.
Chapter 10
I went to sleep this time and managed to drift restfully for a longer period of time. When I did dream, it was different-and in a positive, or at least pleasant kind of way.
I felt warm; deliciously warm. My whole body hummed with satisfaction as warmth spread through me. I felt my skin tingle with sensation and a ripple of contentment flooded over me.
I came up the surface of consciousness slowly, and blinked as I woke. I realised then why my dreams had become directed into a feeling of happiness of warmth. Jess lay before me and I was entangled in her arms. As I had stirred gently, she hadn’t woken and for the first time I saw her looking restful and relaxed. Her features had softened and she looked more vulnerable than when she was awake. She was also very, very close to me. In sleep, we had moved into each other’s arms and were entwined…somewhat intimately. Her arm rested on my waste and our legs were tangled closely, putting me in close proximity to her.
I didn’t move away. I found that I didn’t want to. I just watched her sleep. I knew if she woke, she wouldn’t like it but I found I couldn’t help myself. She was captivating to me and I felt drawn to her in ways I had never experienced. She interested me, for more than one reason. I knew, deep down, that I was attracted to her but I also felt like there was more to it than that. She drew me with her smile, her humour and the intrigue she evoked.
I found myself wondering about the images I had seen the night before. It was clear to me that it had been Jess as a child-that much I was sure of. What I wasn’t clear on was what happened before and after. She was clearly still alive so the man hadn’t killed her. So, what had happened? I had so many questions but she didn’t want to answer them.
Jess stirred then and I closed my eyes to allow her the luxury of not waking up embarrassed by our closeness.
I felt her stiffen, and then gently move back away from me. She disentangled our limbs and eased herself further away.
I blinked and pretended to wake. I yawned, and stretched, effectively moving myself back away from her even more.
‘Morning,’ I said, glancing at her with tired eyes.
‘Morning,’ she replied, looking sleepy.
‘Did you sleep okay?’
‘Yeah, not too bad. What about you?’
‘Okay after that initial bad dream,’ I told her.
‘Good…look, I better call in. I’m just going to go in the other room to talk to the Captain.’
‘Okay. Will you tell me what he says?’ I asked eagerly.
‘Yeah, of course,’ she murmured, glancing at me briefly.
I watched as she left the room and lay there, staring at the ceiling. I could hear Jess’ voice speaking softly and after a few minutes, she returned.
‘What did he say?’
She sighed. ‘Well, Janey is doing well. She’s in the hospital recovering with her partner.’
I nodded, knowing this already. ‘Who was the other woman?’
‘She’s yet to be identified. There are no other missing person’s in the area whom she matches.’
‘Do you want me to help?’ I asked.
She frowned at me. ‘How?’
‘I don’t know…maybe I could find out somehow. My mind seems to know these things; although I have no idea how!’
Jess looked at me warily. ‘I don’t think so. Captain Withers simply said keep you close. Keep an eye on you. For now, we stay put.’
‘But this will drive me insane!’
‘I thought you wanted a quiet and peaceful holiday?’
‘Yeah, I did. This is not it!’ I told her bluntly.
‘Well, I guess I hear where you’re coming from…but it could be worse.’
‘Oh yeah? How’s that?’ I wondered, not feeling particularly happy about everything.
‘You could be stuck alone in a cabin in the woods with a murderer on the loose. Sound good?’
‘No,’ I conceded, sitting back against the bed. ‘It’s just hard. I apologise, Jess. I didn’t mean to be unappreciative. I just…’
‘Yeah, I know,’ she nodded, ‘the situation is far from ideal.’
I looked up at her. ‘I suppose we just make the best of it.’
She smiled gently. ‘Now that’s a better attitude. Come on. Let’s make some breakfast. Everything always seems better after some good food.’
‘You’re right,’ I said, swinging my legs over the side of the bed. ‘Breakfast sounds good.’
I followed her down the stairs towards the kitchen.
Jess and I ate cereal and toast before once again, working together to clear up and keep things tidy. We were both quieter as the reality of the situation had set in more heavily.
After breakfast, we went to the lounge and sat down. I felt unsure of what to say or do and as holidays went, this one was downright awful.
‘Kind of sucks, right?’ Jess said, surprising me out of the silence.
I felt melancholy this morning and couldn’t seem to shift it. ‘Yeah. It does suck.’
‘I’m sorry you got dragged into all of this, Alex,’ Jess then said quietly.
I looked at her, surprised. ‘It’s hardly your fault, Jess.’
‘I know…but I kind of feel sorry for you.’
I bristled. ‘I don’t want you feeling sorry for me! I’m fine!’
‘Oh yeah? Get caught up in a murder investigation every day, do you?’ she asked, looking at me crossly. ‘I was just trying to be nice.’
‘Well, don’t bother.’
She looked at me strangely.
‘Look, Jess-you’re clearly just here because of your duty as a police detective. You keep telling me to keep out of your head and that we’re not going to be friends, so why bother to be polite even?’
She frowned. ‘What has you in such a shitty mood this morning? You weren’t like this yesterday.’
‘No, I wasn’t…but it’s all become a little too much now, so I think I’m permitted a little leeway.’
‘Yeah…’
‘And I tell you what annoys me.’
‘Go ahead,’ she offered.
‘You,’ I said bluntly.
‘Me?’
‘Yes, you. I’ve tried to be friendly. I’ve tried to help you but each time, you just throw it back in my face.’
‘Maybe I don’t want any help.’
‘I know you don’t want it! That much is evident loud and clear! The fact is, maybe you need help.’
She stared at me for a long moment.
‘I’m not asking for you to talk about the past. Just maybe we could make this bearable-get to know each other a little better? You don’t chat to me.’
‘What do you want to be chatting about?’
‘Anything…whatever! The usual crap people talk about when they’ve just met.’
‘Like small talk?’ she questioned, frowning deeply.
‘Yes, like small talk,’ I nodded.
‘And this would get you out of this shitty mood?’
‘It would, yes. I need a distraction, and as you’re the only person here-you’re it.’
She sighed, heavily. ‘Alright. Shoot.’
‘No, no. This isn’t just about me asking you questions-you ask me, let’s actually have a two-way conversation!’
‘Okay.’
‘Okay?’ I said, pleasantly surprised.
‘Yeah.’
‘Well, good,’ I murmured, feeling weird that she had agreed to open-up a little bit more. I settled myself on the sofa, feeling more positive.
Our eyes met and it was clear we didn’t have the first clue of where to start with each other.
‘Uh, where are you from?’ she asked.
‘The South Coast, originally. We moved around a little there but now my parents are based in Guildford. I lived near there too.’
‘Lived? So, you will move on?’
‘Definitely,’ I replied. ‘There’s nothing for me there, and the flat wasn’t anything special.’
‘Where would you like to live?’ she asked.
I thought for a moment. ‘I don’t know location wise, but I would love to live right by the sea. That is kind-of a dream of mine. Now, it’d have to be near the sea in a secluded area.’
She nodded, understanding.
‘And what about you? Where are you from originally?’
‘I, uh…I was born in Devon but then moved to London/ From there, I moved around quite a lot…I eventually ended up here nine years ago and I haven’t looked back.’
‘I see. Why did you leave Devon?’ I wondered, and thought for a moment that she wouldn’t answer me.
‘I, uh…well, my mother died…’
‘I’m so sorry.’
‘Thanks. It was a very hard time for my brother and I…we were left alone in the world…’
‘You didn’t have a dad around?’
She cleared her throat and shifted uncomfortably in her seat. ‘Not in Devon, no.’
‘So, what happened?’
‘We were sent to live with our father in London.’
‘Oh, I see.’
‘But then he died,’ she told me, matter of factly. ‘But thankfully I was fourteen by then so I only had two years of shitty foster homes until I could be free.’
‘You went off on your own at sixteen?’ I asked, incredulously.
She nodded.
‘My god, I was still a baby at sixteen.’
She met my eyes and hers were bleak. ‘I was far from it. I had seen and done far too much by the age of sixteen. It took me a few years to get back on the straight and narrow, but once I did, I took my exams and then entered the force. I haven’t looked back since.’
‘You enjoy it then?’
‘It’s my life,’ she said simply.
‘You don’t yearn for more? A family? A wife?’
She shook her head. ‘No…too many complications.’
‘Why though?’
She chuckled to herself, but it was a mirthless laugh. ‘No-one would or should put up with me, Alex. I have too much baggage, too much of a past and too many bad moods to inflict on someone else. I’m better off alone.’
‘That’s a sad outlook to have.’
She shrugged. ‘Maybe. It’s a choice though and I stick by it.’
I considered this. I assumed she meant that no-one would want to put up with someone who had suffered such a turbulent past. ‘But what about all the things you offer too? It’s not all about the past-if it was, so many people would end up alone.’
She shook her head. ‘I’m not your standard person, Alex. I’ve seen and done too much.’
‘I don’t think so…I think that’s just you are making excuses.’
‘It’s not actually.’
‘No?’ I questioned, cocking my head with curiosity.
‘What is so bad that would keep you alone forever?’
She looked cross; her face registering cold, stony anger as she met my gaze with her captivating eyes. ‘The fact I’m a murderer,’ she said bluntly. She then stood and turned to walk away.
I sat frozen to the spot, completely astonished. Murder? Jess?
Chapter 11
I sat on the sofa for several minutes and then stood, determined to talk to Jess again. She wasn’t going to say something like that and just walk away. That wasn’t fair. I also wasn’t afraid of her, and needed to know what had happened in her past.
I followed her up the stairs and found her sitting on the chair in the bedroom. I sat on the side of the bed and waited for her to look at me.
‘You can’t say something like that and walk away, Jess,’ I said quietly, looking at her. She had yet to meet my eyes.
‘I’ve never said that to anyone,’ she replied softly, her voice breaking a little as she spoke.
I swallowed hard, hearing the emotion in her voice. It was a break from everything I knew about her-she clearly wasn’t quite the hardene
d police detective she made herself out to be. ‘Jess; talk to me.’
She shook her head. ‘No.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because I won’t burden you with it…I also don’t want you knowing all of it,’ she said, sadly.
‘I know a lot of it already,’ I told her very gently, hoping she wouldn’t become upset.
‘No, you don’t,’ she said, shaking her head.
‘Yeah? I’ve seen some images…some things from your past.’
She just looked at her hands, sadly. ‘Alex, don’t delve into it…I’m not someone you want to get involved with-friends or otherwise. Doesn’t telling you I’m a murderer put you off getting to know me?’
I looked at her closely. ‘No.’
‘How come?’
‘Well, you’re not in prison right now. You’re living your life as a police officer so I can assume, whatever happened, that you’re not this ‘murderer’ you claim to be. How else could you be here today?’
‘Maybe I’ve already served my time.’
‘Maybe you didn’t commit the crime,’ I replied, counteracting her response.
‘Oh, I definitely did,’ she said, her eyes wide.
‘And you were convicted as a murderer?’ I questioned.
‘Well, no…’ she said slowly.
‘Okay then. Why not?’
She shrugged.
‘Let me guess-whatever you did, you did in self-defence?’
She looked at me angrily. ‘Get out of my head.’
‘So, I’m right? I didn’t see that, Jess, I’m guessing…’
‘Oh…well, whatever,’ she said evasively.
‘Come on, Jess…was it when you were in foster care? I’ve heard terrible stories of people having awful experiences at the hand of carers.’
‘Unfortunately, no…it was one hell of a lot closer to home than that.’
‘Oh,’ I frowned. ‘How old were you?’ I wondered, hoping she would keep talking, hoping she would unveil her secrets to me.
‘Fourteen,’ she murmured softly.
My eyebrows rose. ‘So, when you moved to live with your Dad?’
She lifted her gaze to mine and I saw the shift of emotion. Suddenly, it was clear who her assailant in the dream had been. It was clear who had held the gun to her temple.
