by Ben Bequer
“Mr. Haha,” Influx commanded and our robot companion picked up the car and tossed it into an empty parking spot on the street.
“Clear,” She told her wrist-mounted microphone and the engines to the helicopter roared and the vehicle raced into the night.
“Ok, boys, let’s do this,” she said, flashing me a wicked smile.
She ran up the right side of a pair long stairs that wound up to the entrance of the building, almost two stories higher. Splitting the stairs was a rocky waterfall that even at this hour was lit beautifully, and at the top of the steps was the first pair of security guards. They saw us as we were coming up. One dug for a weapon, and the other for his radio.
“Blackjack,” Influx started but I already had the first arrow nocked to the string, and a heartbeat later, I fired and was reloading. The first shot took the weapon out of the guard’s hand, so fast that he didn’t even realize it and still tried in vain to shoot. The next arrow struck the second guard’s radio, firing off a highly localized EMP pulse that ruined his and his partner’s radio.
A second later, Mr. Haha was there a sword to each man’s throat.
“Smile for the cameras,” the robot said, motioning to the probes that hovered around him like bees buzzing near the hive.
The two guards were confused, but a swift blow in the back of the head from Cool Hand’s softball bat knocked them out.
“Piece of cake. Now what?” Cool said as Influx and I reached him and Haha. Dr. Zundergrub was behind us, walking up slowly with a silly grin on his face.
“Now the entry,” Influx said walking up to the doors to the lobby. The doors were set on a glass wall, with two circular doors flanking the main entrance. The whole area was covered with overlapping cameras, but all of them were neutralized Zundergrub oily devils. The imps had small arms, legs, tails, and with interlocking rows of serrated teeth on their evil faces, like demonic balls of night. Some danced maniacally in front of the cameras; others ate them, tearing the metal cameras of wires and lenses.
“Step aside,” she told us and pointed her sword at the glass wall. Her whole body glowed as she channeled a yellow-white force into her sword and at the glass wall, obliterating it.
“Go.”
We rushed into the lobby. The floor was polished black, white and brown marble slabs, which I found tricky to my footing. We passed by a row of plants and a Spanish heritage presentation on the wall. By the time we reached the security center, Cool Hand had neutralized all four of the elderly guards. None of them was much of a challenge.
Mr. Haha placed his mannequin hand over the keyboard, and robotic tendrils reached from beneath his kimono robe into the keyboard, accessing the system.
“There is more security of higher caliber above and they are warned to our presence.”
Influx looked at Dr. Zundergrub accusingly, who smiled. “I cannot be certain all the cameras were obscured.”
“No matter,” she said bounding towards the elevator. “Cool, Blackjack. Take the stairs.”
Mr. Haha and the doctor followed her to the elevator well and I looked back at Cool Hand.
“You want to see something cool?” He moved towards a door to the stairs with a fiendish smile. Cool threw the door open and held it with his feet. “This is gonna freak you out at first, so don’t go full speed.” From his hand, a globe like a bubble formed. I could see my reflection in the bubble as it grew more and more and finally he tossed it forward to me and it encompassed my whole body.
I felt ill, like the world was spinning around me or me in circles around it. Cool was still standing in front of me, moving so slowly that it took him like thirty seconds to laugh completely, and when he spoke, it was slow-motion, barely intelligible. Then he hasted himself, and was fast as I was.
“Cool, huh? See why the name fits? Come on, let’s get up there and do some damage.”
And he was gone, running up the stairs. I tried to follow, but I ran right into the wall, unable to fully control the power coursing through me.
“Don’t try to go faster,” he said from a few steps up. “Move normal, I’m making you fast.”
I got back on my feet and tried again, and yes, moving normally, I could tell that I was racing up the stairs.
“Gonna check it out,” he said and a second later he was all the way up the 73 flights to the top of the building. I tried to speed up, but I fell again, so I figured I’d go slow and meet him up there.
* * *
By the time I reached the museum on the top floor, Cool Hand was already engaged, fighting a pair of security guards. These weren’t the rent-a-cops we had faced downstairs. These guys were in some sort of powered armor with heavy weapons. Cool was now in a melee fight with guys in full protection that towered over him, using huge battle pikes.
Cool screamed in faux terror as they both swung at him, missing him wildly. He would occasionally move at fast speed to avoid a sure blow.
Beyond him, on the other side of the museum I could see Influx and Haha fighting a several other power armored guards through the different exhibits. They were outnumbered but holding their own against almost a dozen guards.
I fired a concussive arrow, sure that Cool would know to move, but instead avoiding my arrow, he was suddenly still, like time had stopped around him. The arrow exploded, the concussive wave blowing the two guards into exhibits, obscuring everything for a moment. When the dust started to settle, I saw Cool there, still motionless, covered in debris but otherwise unharmed. Then he started moving, slamming his aluminum bat into the one of the guards who was least affected by the concussive blast.
“Mama said knock you out,” he said as the bat pinged off the guard’s armored head.
I was going to say something when one of the guards on Mr. Haha and Influx turned on us, aiming a minigun in our direction.
“Cool! Get down!” I managed, before the guard opened up, shredding everything. Cool dropped to the ground but took a hit in the leg with a loud groan. I took cover behind a pillar, but even that proved ineffective cover and I had to slide down to the ground. The guard continued to fire his weapon, which seemed to have endless ammunition.
I dared a peek at low level and saw Mr. Haha and Influx overwhelmed. Influx used her powers to form a shield to defend against a similar assault from a pair of guards. The robot was fighting four guards in melee and doing fine, but a standoff wasn’t in our interest. To add to the fun, I saw a few more guards come up some stairs and join the fray.
We needed a miracle, so I closed my eyes and tried to visualize the whole room from my position, while I drew three special arrows from my arrow bag. Each had a turn dial with a numeric display and I set each dial to a separate number, wild estimations of course, because I had no time for any complex calculations.
“What the fuck are you doing?” Cool Hand roared as I nocked all three arrows and pulled back on the string, aiming at the wall behind us. The guard that had us suppressed was firing off short bursts now, circling the fallen exhibits to get a better shot at Cool. It was only moments until he was in the line of fire.
And I fired.
The arrows raced towards the wall, then twisted away from the wall unnaturally, the arrowhead gyroscopes adjusting the tail fins to send my missiles to their intended target. The guard shooting at us held his fire and ducked, but those arrows weren’t aimed for him. Instead they sailed in a lazy circular arc across the museum, flying to their true targets, and a second later three explosions rocked the floor.
The first explosion erupted from where Mr. Haha fought his guards, sending his enemies flying through the air unconscious. The next erupted beside Influx doing the same to her opponents, and the last at the group of guards coming up the stairs to join the fight. The explosions were violent, and shook the building to its core, sending smoke and shattered glass throughout the museum, the concussion wave knocking over or damaging about every exhibit.
The guard who was firing at us collapsed from the brutal blast. As he tried
to rise, Cool Hand was next to him, his bat wound up in ridiculous fashion, an exaggerated stance as if awaiting incoming pitch with his lead leg raised high in the air. Cool hasted himself in a blur and the blow knocked the guard across the room.
“Eat shit, cunt monkey,” he yelled.
I looked across the museum and saw Haha pointing his rusty katana at me in salute as he helped a woozy Influx onto her feet.
“Where’s Zundergrub?” I asked as I moved closer.
Influx was a bit dazed from the nearness of the explosion, so Haha responded. “The good doctor is below, dealing with the additional guards that would have undoubtedly overwhelmed us.”
“You ok?” I asked Influx and she smiled, doubled over, spitting out blood from having bitten her lip.
“We need to work on your aim,” she laughed.
“Sorry, it was the-”
She straightened up and put her hand on my shoulder, interrupting me. “No, that was fine.”
“Hey,” Cool Hand said limping over. His leg was bloody but no more blood flowed. It seemed as if he had control of his power over different locations of his body. “Maybe we can get what we came for and chug on each other’s dicks later?”
“Well put, Mr. Cool Hand Luke,” Mr. Haha said. “With your permission?”
“Yeah, go ahead,” Influx said and I moved in taking her from the robot. I must admit that she felt amazing leaning on me.
* * *
Haha rooted through the wrecked remnants of the room for a few moments, emitting a red scanning beam from his left eye, until an item glowed from beneath the destroyed museum. He threw aside a multi-ton girder as if it was paper-mache and picked up a red glowing gem, a ruby about the size of a human’s heart.
“We are, as they say, in business,” Mr. Haha said.
“A fucking gem?” Cool Hand spat. “You have to be kidding me!”
“We don’t have time for this,” Influx shot in, pulling away from me and trying to straighten up. She keyed her wrist comlink, “Evac in 3 minutes. Get your ass up here, Zundergrub.”
“Roger that,” responded the pilot over the radio.
“I’m here already,” Dr. Zundergrub said, holding the door to the stairs open.
“Seriously, though.” Cool Hand continued, waving his arms about. “I got shot for a bullshit gem? I’m quitting right now!”
Influx was herself again and she stood glowering over the smaller man.
“You can quit if you want, but then you’re not welcome on the helicopter evac.” She stared at him, her blue-gray eyes boring into him like steel.
“I’m saying we should’ve been told. I know a million easier places to steal jewels than this shithole with all these machine gun guys. I mean, I got fucking shot!”
“You can bring any objections to Dr. Retcon himself, if you like,” she said, moving towards the stairwell. “Come on, everyone to the rooftop,” Influx said and we ran upstairs.
Chapter 6
We came out of the stairwell on the rooftop, the door smashing open from a well-placed Mr. Haha kick. One floor above us was the helipad in the center of the circular top floor, and circling overhead was our chopper, for some reason unable to land on the helipad. Beyond our ride home, was a local news helicopter, its nose mounted video camera aimed in our direction.
“I can’t land,” the pilot called as if on cue through Influx’s wrist-mounted comlink. “You have company up top.”
“We’ll clear them out,” she replied. “Stand off until its safe.”
Mr. Haha led the way to the stairs up to the helipad and ran up, with us close behind. As I came over the edge, there was a super group waiting for us. One of them, a fellow I couldn’t immediately recognize, with a yellow and orange costume fired flame blasts at our helicopter, though our pilot adeptly avoided the attack and soon gained enough altitude to be out of range.
The rest of his companions, and there were seven of them, were the West Coast super group Rising Force. Leading was Captain Miraculous along with his wife Bad Karma. Beside them was Silverspar in his gleaming silver armor. Pulsewave wore an over-done maroon suit and had vicious impact powers (I’d read his bio in Hero Weekly). And also standing in our way were Plasma and Spitfire, who I knew nothing about. My attention, though, quickly shifted to the fellow floating in the back with lightning flowing across his body.
Atmosphero.
I looked at my watch again and saw it was 3:17 am. We had taken too long. With that much lead time, it was no wonder that there were super heroes already in the area. We would have to fight our way out.
“The fire breather is Spitfire,” Influx said. “Cool Hand; go after him first, he’s the most dangerous, and their weakest.”
“He’s my bitch.”
“After that, try to get to Bad Karma or she’ll keep them healed up.”
The heroes spread out, with Captain Miraculous at the point. He got into a perfect hero stance.
“The really thin guy with the white and blue spandex in the back is Plasma,” Influx started. “He’s yours Dr. Zundergrub. Mr. Haha, you’re on Silverspar, I’ve got the Captain and his bitch wife. Blackjack, the rest are yours.”
“No pressure,” I joked.
“Aim right this time,” she smiled.
“Gentlemen and lady, we are Rising Force, protectors of the West Coast,” Captain Miraculous said, pointing at us. “Surrender now and there’ll be no trouble.”
“Nice speech, asshole,” Cool Hand replied. “I’ll leave if you let me fuck your wife.”
And with that we were off.
* * *
I wouldn’t compare it to a Wild West showdown, because Cool Hand Luke wouldn’t shut up, ruining any tension. But gradually we did spread and face each other off.
This was my first super group vs. super group fight, and only my second time fighting a super (the first time I ended up in jail), so I was aware of my apprehension. Influx was unfazed by the supers that faced us. She had seen it before and she knew that one on one none of our enemies could stop her. It was comforting to know she was beside me, but my confidence faded when I recalled that Mr. Haha 2000 and Dr. Zundergrub were on our side. But for Influx, I probably would’ve abandoned that bunch right there.
Atmosphero was staring at me, inching apart from his team to come at me first. He had a confident grin on his face and when he caught my attention, he shook his head, as if to say, “too bad for you.”
In fact, I noticed a few of the supers aiming for me, along with Atmosphero. Spitfire and Pulsewave also were making me their first target. Three on me wouldn’t give me time to do much. Atmo would rush in, go vortex form and pound me to a pulp. Pulsewave was also a melee fighter, with the ability to channel force into his fists. Spitfire would sit back, let me get in trouble, then finish me when Atmosphero would give him the ok. I wouldn’t last five seconds, unless I did something drastic, something unexpected.
* * *
“This is your last warning,” Captain Miraculous said. “Surrender now! I give you five seconds.”
He was faced off versus Influx, with Black Karma in her dark cloaked costume standing behind him. To Influx’s left, Dr. Zundergrub was in front of Plasma. On Influx’s other side, Mr. Haha stood proudly before the powered-armor superhero Silverspar, his sword still sheathed. Cool Hand Luke paced between the rabbit robot and I, tossing out insults.
“Time to man up and punch some shit,” Cool Hand said loud enough for our enemies to hear him.
“Who do you have?” I asked, wondering if he was going to take any pressure off me.
“All of them,” he said, waving his bat at all the superheroes. “I got enough love to share.”
“Captain Miraculous,” Influx said, “we intend to board our craft and leave this site. And if you stand in our way, we will defend ourselves.”
Silverspar stepped forward, the heavy armor pounding on the helipad, servos whirring loud. “Enough,” he spat through the mechanical filter in his armored helm and fired a f
orce bolt from his eyebeam at Mr. Haha.
“Rising Force,” the Captain said, leading the charge forward. “To action!”
* * *
Mr. Haha drew his sword in a split second, deflected Silverspar’s energy bolt and charged forward at the armored man. Cool Hand disappeared into a blur and Dr. Zundergrub unleashed his yellow imp, which grew in a split-second into a thirty foot tall monster. Influx charged Captain Miraculous, her left hand spitting a thousand rapid-fire missiles that he easily blocked; with her right hand she raised her deadly sword for a high attack.
I had not time to spectate, though, as I was instantly on the defensive.
Atmosphero went into vortex mode, becoming a small, localized tornado, and charged me. Pulsewave followed close behind, his fists charged with energy. Spitfire provided them cover with fusillade flame bolts that exploded all around me.
But I was ready. I flexed my left foot, extending my toes outwards violently, engaging two gas canisters from a compartment in my boot which surrounded me with a large cloud of obscuring smoke. I dug into my shoulder harness and dropped a gadget on the floor, as the flame missiles exploded around me. Without waiting for Spitfire to correct his aim, I hurled myself off the building, grabbing the end tips of my cape using it as a glider. I fell ten stories before I caught a good thermal and started rising back up over the roof of the tower, like a falcon soaring for prey.
Behind me, as Atmosphero and Pulsewave reached where I had been standing, my gadget engaged. It deployed into a photo-realistic 3-d holo decoy of me that acted exactly like they would expect me to, running and desperately trying to fire arrows.
The pyrotechnics from Spitfire’s burst and smoke from my grenades concealed me long enough to rise up in the air, circling back above the supers, Spitfire spotted me again and opened fire, but Cool Hand Luke ran past him, clanging his aluminum baseball bat off the heroes’ head before moving on, again a blur. I was expecting a flame bolt to obliterate me mid-flight, but instead Spitfire fell unconscious from the brutal blow and I was suddenly clear. Using the tips of my cape as a rudder, I glided around the helipad and looked for another target.
