“Fuck!”
Trying to push up against the hand that was holding her down, she asked breathlessly, “What? What’s wrong?”
Unable to stop myself from doing it, I ground my dick into her as I revealed our monumental fuck up. “No condom.”
Thumping her head gently down on my shoulder twice, she let out a little growl. “I’m on the pill to regulate my periods, and I’m cleaner than the inside of your car is… was.”
I winced at the comparison. I was terrible when it came to keeping my vehicle clean, even going as far as using antibacterial shit I’d found online on cotton buds to clean the stitching. I blamed the military for starting it and my new job for continuing it. With the things I’d seen and heard about…
Still.
“I’m clean, pretty girl. I haven’t been with anyone since I moved here, and I had to have a physical to join P.V.P.D.”
This time when she pushed up against my hand, I let her straighten up, and in the lighting from the dash, I saw how flushed she was and how unfocused her eyes still looked. Not gonna lie, it did a lot to me to know I was responsible for making her look like that.
“Awesome,” she breathed. “Now we’ve got that part of the awkward out of the way, I need to ask you if you’ve got a hoodie or towel in the car.”
Frowning, I ran my hands up her arms to see if she was freezing, but she seemed kind of warm to me. “Why?”
Chewing on her lower lip, she avoided eye contact with me and focused on my shoulder instead. “Uh, well, you’re kind of anal about your truck, and, well…” she trailed off and stayed silent for a moment. Just when I was about to ask what the fuck was going on, she drew in a deep breath.
“Okay, so gravity works in the way of what goes up must come down, right?” When I nodded, she ground down against me, almost making my eyes roll into the back of my head with how sensitive I still was. “Well, think about why that might be an issue for me right now.”
It took a moment seeing as how my brain was still slightly fried, but when it hit me, I almost opened the door and jumped out with her in my arms. Actually, I did get us both out of the truck, me still inside her, but I did it at a slower rate than a jump.
Carefully pulling out of her, I gave her a soft kiss and then moved to the back row and pulled out a t-shirt I had in there for emergencies. I’d been caught in the rain with a blown-out tire before, and driving while drenched was hell.
What had also occurred to me when my brain had come back online while I was trying to figure out what Tamsin was talking about was how fucking stupid I’d been to do this while we were out in the open. I hadn’t even considered the fact that Gjorka or one of his men could’ve found us while I was inside her. Hell, they could’ve come to the window with a gun pointed at my head, and I doubt I’d have noticed, and that was fucked up.
I needed to be better than that and stay aware at all times, which was why I hurried her back into her seat and had us back on the road quickly.
“Are you okay?” she asked softly, just as we were getting closer to her house.
Glancing over at her, I shot her a grin and wink. “After the night we’ve just had, absolutely. After what we just shared together, defi-fuckin’-nately.”
Pulling into the drive, I cut the engine and did a discreet look around us to make sure nothing seemed out of place as I helped her out of the vehicle and walked the short distance to the front door.
“I was hoping tonight would turn out like that, but I didn’t expect it to happen like that,” she breathed as she disarmed the alarm and I locked up.
Before we even put all the lights on, the smell of something foul hit us, and I just knew the night was about to change for the worse.
“Pretty girl, I don’t suppose you put rotten meat in the trash can and forgot to take it out, did you?” I was hoping and praying she said yes, but I just knew she wouldn’t.
Taking a breath in to reply as she hit the lights, she choked and made a gagging noise. “No, but now I understand why you’re asking.”
With a groan, I turned around and scanned the living room, expecting to find the source of it there. When nothing showed up, I took a step deeper into the house, looking around the whole time.
“Is this the canine version of hide and seek?” Tamsin whispered, holding onto my hand and watching the floor in front of us. “They poop somewhere and hide it?”
The deeper we went into the house, the more confusing it was, until we got to the bathroom in the hallway.
What greeted us was fucking insane. “What the fuck?”
Looking under my arm, Tamsin made a squeaking noise. “He… he shat in the bathroom?”
Clyde hadn’t just shit in the bathroom. He’d shit in the shower cubicle twice and three times in front of the toilet and sink.
Holding my arm over my nose, I did my best not to breathe in through my mouth either. “What did you feed him?”
She was still stuck on what we were looking at, though. “The dog’s a genius. Instead of pooping in the house, he came to where we do it—well, you do it, because I don’t do that kind of thing—and did it here. Is there some kind of canine world records or the world’s smartest canine award? Do you have your phone on you so I can take photos?”
Not waiting for a reply, she reached in the pocket of my slacks and pulled out my cell.
“I need you to drop your arm so it can unlock,” she said quickly, pulling my protective arm off my face.
Fun fact you’d never guess: when you’re trying not to puke at the same time as scrunching your face up because you’ve just inhaled a room full of dog shit, your phone can still scan your face and unlock. Who knew?
As soon as it was done, I had that arm straight back over my nose.
“What is it with your house and shit, baby? This can’t be normal. It’s like the worst horror movie plot ever.”
First Sheena, now the dog? And could she not smell the death in the room? How was she standing, calmly taking photographs of it all?
“Admittedly,” she murmured, taking a step farther into the room, “it isn’t a good thing, but you know what they say—shit happens.”
Unable to handle it any longer, I stepped back out of the room and stood in the hallway where the turd machine himself was standing waiting for me, his tail wagging like an automaton.
“Don’t you dare,” I growled at him. “You were saving that up, you little asshole.”
“Garrett?” Tamsin called. “Could you get me some gloves—the big ones that go up to the elbow for doing dishes—paper towels,”—Febreze?—“the bleach spray, antibacterial spray,”—every can of deodorant I can find?—“and antibacterial wipes, please?”
How was there no air freshener of any kind on that list?
Still, skirting around the shit machine, I went to go and get everything she’d asked for, dropping the can of Febreze and two other air fresheners that I found under the sink on top of the pile.
Pushing the door open with my foot, I took a gulping breath and entered the room of doom, preparing to drop the shit on the counter and run.
That was my plan. It was a great plan, the strategy of champions.
Until…
“I’m going to need a hand. I don’t know if I can do this with just one hand.”
And it’s not like I could say no, she had one of hers in a fucking cast and had been complaining to an empty bathroom about wiping her ass after she thought I’d left.
Yeah, in her mind, she didn’t poop—everybody freaking poops, but not Tamsin. I have no idea when or how she managed to go when I was at home on my days off, but sure as shit—pun intended—no poop.
That time I’d heard her had been hilarious, but I wouldn’t bring it up to her. If she was that paranoid about it, then I’d leave it until we were more comfortable around each other to do it.
Maybe that’s why she had so much air freshener?
It might have been a random time to consider it, but I saw two cans already on t
he counter as I looked around the room. From memory, I knew there was a full one in the bathroom that joined her bedroom.
Dumping the stuff down, I opened the cabinet under the sink and choked at what was in it. Toilet paper, tampons, shampoo and conditioner, body wash, this powder stuff that said it was scented, and another four different cans of air freshener.
Dropping down, I chanced a breath in before I passed out and picked up the powder. From the description on the front of it, it deodorized the room as you went to the bathroom.
“Oh, that won’t work. You have to tip some onto the water before you poop, and it stops the room from…” she trailed off as I turned my head to look up at her, realizing what she’d just given away.
Before I could say anything, though, Clyde, the little fucker, ran into the room and squatted in the shower again.
Why must everything shit around me? And what the fuck died in his ass?
Unfortunately, my reaction to what he did then was exactly like when Sheena did it. The difference was that this time I had a toilet right beside me to hang my head over, and I got to welcome back the meal I’d just eaten.
There’s a saying about the bond between a man and his dog, but I don’t think they meant the man puking in a toilet with the dog shitting in the shower beside him. I figured that burning the room to the ground and starting all over was the safest route to take with what came out of him. There was no coming back from this.
At least, that’s what I thought. Apparently, Tamsin had a crime scene clean-up side because she came back in armed with two huge bottles of bleach hanging from her good arm. By the time we were done, she’d used both of them, a whole roll of paper towel, a bottle of antibacterial spray, and I’d been sick three times.
It put a dampener on what I’d intended to do to her when we got to bed, but it didn’t mean that first thing the next morning I didn’t wake up and do what I’d been planning to do to her and more.
Yes I went into work whistling, and I continued to do it until DB called me into his office and shit on my day.
We were going to have to break some hard news to Tamsin, and I just hoped she had enough trust in me to keep her safe.
Chapter Twelve
Tamsin (or Zuri. It depends on the day and the outfit at this point)
Two weeks later…
Something Garrett was working on had him at home more often, and sometimes it was awesome, sometimes not so much.
In my downtime, I’d developed bad habits. Well, not exactly bad habits, per se, but I’d made the mistake of turning on the television and watching stuff that had me doing searches online like a junkie looking for a fix. I was a fact-checking guru.
Netflix was mainly to blame. I’d watched most of the real-life crime shows on there, and because of some of the stuff that’d come up in them, my search history started off sketchy as fuck. Then I moved onto documentaries and shows based on real-life stuff, so my search history would probably be setting off alarms in most countries.
Then I went down the rabbit hole that was the television show called Whale Wars about the conservation group, the Sea Shepherds. When I’d discovered that you could buy merchandise from their online shops, I ordered hoodies and t-shirts for Garrett and me so we could give them our support and backing. I’d also investigated whaling and information on the number of whales left in the world, which had led to a few days of little to no sleep.
This was where my previous searches came in not so handy. You see, I went on a planning blitz of things that could be used to stop the whalers when I finally went out to save the whales. I got so into it that Garrett came home to see me trying to make a rotten butter bomb with one hand and had put a stop to it by grounding me from watching it anymore.
After that, I resorted to just discovering weird shit, which was why when Garrett kissed me the other night, I’d blurted out the ‘fun fact’ that the skin on your lips was the same as the one around your butt hole. Crazy but true!
At this stage, if Gjorka didn’t catch up with me, unfortunately the authorities from several countries just might. Or maybe whaling groups and countries that were pro-whaling. Maybe even Sphincters Anonymous, people who didn’t want those facts getting out there.
I also had a new selection of makeup. I’d gone from wearing what I needed to get by every day to wanting to be able to never wear the same thing twice in three months. I could now do dramatic winged eyeliner, contour like a pro, I’d almost blinded myself with fake lashes, and I could blend eyeshadows until they called me Princess Glitzy Titz as I took the pole.
Boredom… it wasn’t a great look on me.
And that brought me to what I’d done last night. It was as I opened a package that had my new nail polish in a shade of glittery aqua blue called Jelly Jive that I realized something—all of those months I’d wondered about the box jellyfish anus meme, and I had the proof under my roof… I just had to give him seafood.
So, when Garrett had come home that afternoon, we’d gone to the store to get some so I could make him dinner. Admittedly, it had tasted fantastic, but when I’d crouched down immediately afterward, the dirty grin on his face dropped when I pulled his leg up and shone the torch on my phone on his ankle.
Know what I found? Fuck all. Not one thing! Sure, there were whirls, and it looked like he’d been attacked by acid, but I couldn’t make out an anus on it if I had a gun to my head—which I hoped never to happen.
When I realized that the level of disappointment that I was feeling was probably too much for the situation, the reality of my situation sank in. Boredom wasn’t my color.
I also had a feeling that it was being made worse by the fact that I wasn’t allowed to go out without one of the guys with me. And on the occasions I did go out, there seemed to be a more than normal amount of the male residents—and female residents, if you count the Townsend women looking around like they were going to attack someone—everywhere.
What was going on?
And why was Garrett suddenly not wearing a uniform and going into work in just a t-shirt and jeans? It didn’t make sense.
So I decided to seduce it out of him. Me, Tamsin Waite, the super curvy, plain girl from New York, seducing Garrett Evans. It was almost like the beginning of a bad joke, but I was going to give it my all.
The new hair appliances, the makeup techniques, all of the lotions and potions that I’d bought recently, and the new underwear that I’d ordered after a home visit from a woman who designed them in town, Scarlett, were all going to come in useful.
It was time for Operation Spit It Out… No, that sounded wrong and dirty, like the name of a porno.
Operation Cough It Up… No, again, it sounded seriously wrong.
Operation Squeeze It Out… What in the hell was wrong with my mind that all of these sounded dirty? I was getting regular sex now, was that what was wrong?
Looking down at my baby, who was growing at an alarming rate, I blew out a breath as I reached for a pair of curling tongs.
“I think sex does things to you, baby. All of the normal and smart brain cells I used to have are gone, and it’s like I’ve got a porn channel playing in my mind.”
Almost like I was proving myself right, I glanced down at the thick barrel of the curling tongs and raised an eyebrow. Still, I wanted to look like a sex kitten who’d make Garrett’s penis sing, so I pushed it all aside and focused on primping myself while trying to get comfortable in my new bra and panties, talking to Clyde the whole time. I could now use my right hand a bit more, but the movement was seriously impacted by the cast still, so it was awkward as hell.
“He doesn’t think I know how big you’re going to get, but I looked it up online, and the answer is massive. I also probably should’ve put two and two together, seeing as how I know both of your parents, but I didn’t. Welp, when you’re fully grown and you poop in the shower, he can clean up the elephant-sized dollops. That reminds me,” I pointed the hair dildo at him. “I’m going to teach you how to use the
smelly powder, so your plops smell like roses.”
I’d just reached up to do the last curl when I heard an amused voice say, “You’re teaching him how to use what you do when you go to the bathroom?”
Not expecting it, I screamed and threw the red hot dildo in the direction it came from. Fortunately for Garrett, the cord it was attached to wasn’t long enough to hit him.
“Y-y-you…” I spluttered, grabbing up a towel and holding it in front of me. “Don’t you knock?”
Before he could answer, a handsome face popped over his shoulder and shot me a grin that almost made me slip down off the counter I was perched on.
“Hey, gorgeous. That powder in the bathroom is the shit. Where’d you get it?” Reid, Jarrod’s youngest brother, asked. The elbow to the gut that Garrett gave him left him with no doubts as to how he felt about him seeing me in my underwear, and he held his hands up in the air and disappeared quickly. That didn’t stop him from yelling, “I’m single, Zuri. Hit me up if you want to—” the sound of a slap stopped him midsentence, but he squealed, “Fuck, stop. I’m just saying, you ass.”
Gulping, I looked up at a pissed off Garrett. “How many people did you bring home with you?”
Throwing a dirty look over his shoulder, he muttered, “One would be too many, but ten has me thinking I should’ve called first.”
“I was going to seduce you,” I snapped, crossing my arms over my chest. “Now you’ve ruined it.”
The expression on his face changed from pissed to heated to amused, and then he started walking toward me slowly, closing the door behind him. When he got to me, he squeezed in between my thighs and pulled me forward so that my crotch was pressed up against his.
“Baby, as much as I love seeing you like this, you don’t have to put on a show to seduce me.”
It was like every ounce of smartness and brain function was sucked out of me. “I don’t?”
Closing the inch that separated our mouths, he whispered, “No, you don’t. You just have to look like you, and I’m all yours.”
Just Good Friends (Cheap Thrills Series Book 5) Page 14
