A Sea Change

by Annette Reynolds

  “Most of the time I get through the week with no problem. And I think, ‘you can do this.’ Thousands of other people do. Right?” His voice, already low, dropped another notch. “But there’re some nights that are – so hard.” An inexplicable lump had formed in his throat, and he had to stop.

  Maddy’s hands slipped into the back pockets of his jeans. “This isn’t only about Becky, is it.”

  He shook his head.

  “What happened? In your marriage?”

  “It’s a long, ugly story,” he finally said.

  “I’m not going anywhere,” she whispered. “Why don’t you tell it to me?” Maddy gently tugged at him. “Come on. Let’s go below.”

  Nick sat across from Maddy at the cramped booth, and realized he wouldn’t be able to give her just part of himself. Not without inventing more lies he’d have to keep track of. His silence spread through the cabin.

  Then Maddy spoke. Her voice, coming at him through the darkness, held a flinty quality Nick hadn’t heard before. He wasn’t prepared for what she said.

  “Does it make it any easier for you if you know Ted was sleeping with his boss’s – our boss’s – wife? That he ran off with her?” She cleared her throat. “See, we both worked for the Tacoma Barons. And I really loved that job. But I couldn’t go back to it, because – to make the humiliation complete, he stole about a hundred and fifty thousand dollars, too.”

  Every word felt like a blow to him – and why not? His hands reflexively turned into fists. His jaw tightened. He could barely make his voice heard when he said, “Jesus, Maddy.”

  “Yeah. You think you know someone. Talk about reality smacking you in the face. I felt so incredibly stupid. I figured people were thinking, how could this grown woman not know what was going on? All kinds of crap went through my mind…Still does. That I was somehow to blame. That everyone there thought I was in on it, too.”

  Maddy stopped for a moment, and Nick knew what was happening to her. She was reliving it.

  “I just.” He heard her throat fill with tears. But she swallowed hard and went on. “I just felt so…”

  “Betrayed.” Nick supplied the word she searched for.

  “Yeah. Betrayed,” she repeated quietly.

  They were both silent. The boat rocked slightly and the muffled sound of water splashing against the sides punctuated the pulse in Nick’s forehead.

  He spoke without preamble.

  “I know exactly how you feel. Janet was fucking someone I worked with. I didn’t find out about it till a lot later. I’d been in that – accident – I told you about. I was on my second surgery. In the hospital. That’s when she decided to tell me she was leaving me.” Maddy gasped and he gave a short, hollow laugh. “Yeah. I lost my job. Lost my wife.” The word came out a sneer. “I was living on pain pills. Correction. I was addicted to pain pills. And because of that, I lost Becky.”

  “That why you don’t have joint custody.”

  “That’s it. Her lawyer was a shark. He ate me alive at the hearing. I didn’t stand a chance.”

  “You didn’t try again?” Maddy asked.

  “There wasn’t any point.” He paused. His next words tasted sharp and bitter as they left his mouth. “She married the guy. He’s Becky’s stepfather now. Did I mention he caused my accident?”

  “Oh, God, Nick. No.” She reached across the table and took his clenched hands in hers. She brought his knuckles to her lips. “You’re still so angry.”

  “I know. I do all right for a while, and then it hits me all over again, and I feel totally out of control. I don’t want to feel like this anymore.

  Maddy’s thumbs smoothed the skin on his hands. “That’s a big step, Nick.”

  He realized he was concentrating on her touch. That the muscles in his neck had begun to relax; that telling Maddy his story – even if it wasn’t the whole story – left him feeling strangely liberated.

  “Help me understand why it’s a big step, Maddy,” he said, as his fists became hands once again, cradling her face.

  “Because…” She placed a kiss on first one palm, and then the other. “It means you’re getting back some of the power you gave away.”

  He leaned forward, at the same time pulling her to him.

  “Thank you for helping me with that,” he whispered against her mouth. “Thanks for taking away the blues.”

  He could feel her smile, and then she pulled away. “Are you ready to go back now?

  At that instant he didn’t want to go anywhere, and began to say as much. But he suddenly remembered his gift for Maddy. And the time to give it to her never seemed better.

  “If you’re ready, I’m ready.”

  The deeper meaning of his words vaguely registered with each of them. Neither knew that though, and Nick and Maddy both felt an appreciation for the black night.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Maddy slid the box of photographic paper onto the shelf, then leaned against the door jamb and smiled. She was fairly certain she’d been smiling for 48 hours straight.

  “Admiring your handiwork?”

  She turned.

  “Admiring yours.” Maddy took the stacked developing trays filled with equipment from Nick’s hands. “Is this the last of it?”

  “That’s it.”

  Maddy placed a set of tongs in each tray, then looked over at Nick standing on the top step. “Then come inside and close the door.”

  “It’ll be a tight fit,” he said.

  She hooked a finger in the waistband of his jeans, pulling him toward her.

  “Sometimes a tight fit is the right fit.”

  “Truer words were never spoken,” he said, as the door blocked out what was left of the early evening.

  Maddy switched on the amber light. Her arms went around his waist. They stood hip to hip. “This is the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for me,” she began. “How can I ever thank you enough?”

  “You’ve made a pretty good start.” He grinned. “Especially last night. That thing you did with your tongue…”

  “Cut it out,” she said. “I’m serious.”

  “What, and I’m not?”

  “Nick, you have no idea what this means to me. You’ve given me back something I never thought I’d have again.”

  “It’s not that big a deal,” he said self-consciously.

  “But it is. And I think you know it.” She placed a kiss in the middle of his chest and looked up at him. “I know you don’t want to hear this, but I have to say it anyway. I love you for what you’ve done.” She paused, then said, “Well, it didn’t make you run screaming into the night. I guess that’s a good thing.”

  Smiling, he said, “It’s hard to make a U-turn in here.”

  “Ah,” she nodded, her hands feeling his back under the t-shirt he wore.

  “What’re you doing?” he asked. “Not that I don’t like it…”

  “You haven’t broken out in a cold sweat, either.”

  “Look, Maddy. There’s nothing wrong with you saying – what you said. It’s just that I can’t say it back.”

  “Nick, it wasn’t a declaration of undying love. I was just saying ‘thanks.’”

  He kissed the tip of her nose, and finally said, “You’re welcome.”

  Maddy pushed him away. “See? Was that so hard?” She uncapped a brown plastic bottle filled with developer and began filling a tray.

  “So, what’s the first order of business?” he asked.

  “A very special print.”

  “Can I watch? I’ve never seen anyone print a picture before.”

  “I was hoping you’d want to.”

  Maddy pulled the negative out of the file, dusted it with an anti-static brush, and placed it in the holder she slid into the enlarger. Flicking on the light, she began the process of focusing and cropping.

  “What is that?” Nick asked over her shoulder.

  “You’ll see.” She turned off the enlarger lamp and opened a new box of paper she’d bought
the day before. With the paper in place, Maddy set a timer for five seconds, covered three-fourths of the sheet with a piece of cardboard, and pushed the timer button. She repeated the process, each time exposing another quarter of the photographic paper.

  “What’re you doing?”

  “It’s a test print. It’ll tell me what the best exposure is.” Maddy slipped the eight-by-ten into the developing tray, waited a few seconds, then turned it over. “Watch this, Nick.” She let out her breath with one word. “Magic.”

  A dim image began to emerge, growing darker with every gentle agitation Maddy provided, until it appeared fully formed.

  “Hey! That’s Becky,” Nick exclaimed, as Maddy drained the print, then immersed it in the tray filled with stop bath. “This is awesome.”

  “I told you so,” she said, putting the black and white version of Becky and the mermaid into the fixer. Before she knew what was happening, Nick pulled her into his arms and kissed her deeply. “What’s that for?” she asked.

  “For thinking of me first.”

  Turning on the overhead light, she said, “Don’t kid yourself, Nick. I just happen to think it’s the best of everything I’ve shot so far.” Even with her back to him, she could feel his knowing smile. “Looks like fifteen seconds is the best one,” she said, and snapped off the light.

  “So, this one’s the keeper?”

  “Hope so,” she replied, setting up again.

  As Becky’s image came up in the developer, Nick said, “I see why you love this.”

  “I can’t remember the last time I worked in a darkroom.”

  “I can’t believe it wasn’t last week,” he said.

  As he watched Maddy do what she loved best, Nick was once again taken with her confidence. Her skill was obvious, but what really came through was how at-home she felt in this environment. She was child-like in her enthusiasm, yet supremely professional. Her movements were choreographed, and he could actually see talent radiating from her. This was something he could relate to; something he’d felt while playing baseball – the joy of making your passion your life’s work.

  Even more than his own talent, though, Nick had another – more valuable – gift. He had the ability to see the brilliance in others, especially on the playing field. Managers and coaches had recognized it, and sought him out. He’d nurtured, taught, and mentored so many young players, the list read like a Who’s Who of baseball. Even as a catcher, Nick wasn’t limited to pitchers. He could spot that perfect combination of talent, grit, humility, and teamwork in any position.

  Now, as he watched Maddy, it all came back to him; and in the dark, a stunning thought: as easily as Maddy fell back into her gift, he could do the same.

  “Nick? You still awake?”

  She’d been talking to him. He saw she’d placed the eight-by-ten in the third tray, and was looking at him expectantly.

  “Sorry,” he said. “I was someplace else. What did you say?”

  “I said, let’s make one for Mary.”

  He continued his study of her, then said, “You’re amazing. You know that?”

  Maddy gave him a puzzled look. “You get I’m ‘amazing’ from, ‘let’s make one for Mary’?”

  “Just say ‘thank you,’ and let’s leave it at that.”

  “Okie dokie… Thanks, Nick.” She reached up to pull another sheet of paper out of the box. “Would you like to do it?”

  He moved behind her, pulling her hips into his. His hands followed her curves until they converged where she converged. An insistent caress, and his husky, “Yeah, I want to do it,” brought forth a satisfying moan from Maddy. “Right here, right now.” He slipped a hand inside the waistband of her shorts.

  She didn’t have time to think, let alone speak. His touch was enough to stop everything rational in her world. The paper fluttered to the floor. Her hands gripped the edge of the plywood counter. He was a narcotic rendering her muscles useless, and her head rolled back into his neck. Even in the hot confines of the shed, his breath on her ear caused her to shiver.

  His thigh insinuated itself between hers. But Maddy didn’t need the incentive. She was more than willing to open her legs to allow him the freedom he needed – she needed. Slowly, one hand slid over her skin to cup her from behind. The other, from the front.

  She was wet with wanting him. She was on fire.

  Then he whispered, “I want to hear you come,” and she groaned, knowing there would be no stopping her.

  In moments she felt a fullness that consumed her. Liquid heat seeped through her body, and her legs no longer held her up. He pushed against her, helping her to stand. As she gasped, his name and God’s were interchangeable.

  And when he felt her climaxing, Nick’s mouth sought hers and covered it, her guttural words mixing with his. His tongue took them, swallowed them. Made them his own.

  It was a revelation to them both how easily one passion had translated into another.

  Journal Entry

  July 11

  We gave Mary her print this afternoon. This was after yet another trip to town together, this one to find a frame.

  On Wednesday, Nick drove me to the public dock so I could pick up my car. I think he wanted to go to the photo supply store with me, but had other obligations. So I went alone and bought paper and chemicals. Thursday, he spent the whole day helping me get the darkroom set up. He drove me to the storage unit, loaded up the boxes filled with my photo paraphernalia, and unloaded the truck at the beach. He must’ve made four trips up and down those steps, while I put everything away and hooked up equipment. It was like he was on a mission, and nothing would stop him once he’d started.

  Mary was pleased with our gift. But I got the feeling she was even more pleased that Nick and I worked on it together. I’d call her Yentl the Matchmaker except for the fact she’s never done this sort of thing before.

  Curiosity made me ask around, and the answers I got from Emily DeMille and Rita Anders jived. Both told me Mary doesn’t meddle in peoples’ love lives and only gives advice when asked – and even then is reluctant to hold forth. So, why she’s taken this inordinate interest in the two of us is beyond me. Anyway, she seems a little healthier; stronger now. I’m glad for that.

  I’m still completely stunned by the events of the past few days, starting with the boat ride back to the beach. I couldn’t even have begun to imagine what had happened with Nick and his wife. I guess I just figured it was the usual: she found someone else and they divorced. But when his story unfolded it sounded like something vaguely Wagnerian.

  Why are people so cruel to each other? And why does it seem that the good ones suffer the most?

  It doesn’t look to me that Janet has suffered at all. She’s with the man she wanted. She’s driving a luxury car, so the new hubby must do okay. I know she doesn’t have a job. And she’s got Becky. God only knows how much she took Nick for. He didn’t mention that part of it. But he’s renting a tiny place on Salmon Beach, driving a fairly old truck, working as a handyman – so I can only surmise she cleaned him out.

  Anyway, we get home from this somewhat emotional outing, and it’s late, so I figure he’ll want to go back to his place, and I’ll go to mine. But, no. He takes my hand and practically drags me down the path, stops in front of this little shed outside his house, and tells me to close my eyes.

  I said, “It’s already dark, Nick,” but he insisted, so I finally did it. I could hear him opening the lock and the door. Then he took my hand again and led me up a couple of steps. Told me to open my eyes. I couldn’t see anything, and when he switched on the light, I still wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “I hope you like it,” he says, and I’m thinking, ‘What is it?’ But then he says, “I know it’s probably not what you’re used to, but it’s lightproof, and it has running water…” And that’s when it hit me.

  I’m pretty sure I said, “Oh my God” about twelve times, with my hands covering my mouth. I threw myself at him and would’ve knocked him down ex
cept for the cramped space we were in. He was pretty embarrassed by the whole display, but I didn’t care. I couldn’t believe he’d done all that for me.

  He put so much work into it. Counters, shelves, extra plugs, a ceiling vent. He even attached a fan to the wall and added a lock on the inside, so no one would walk in on me. It was so professional-looking, I wondered how he’d known what to do. He said he’d consulted a book on photography. Then he took me back outside and shut the door. He reached behind a piece of leftover plywood and pulled out a little wooden sign. There was a hook on the door, and he hung it there. It read, M.V.P. – Photographer. And that’s when I choked up – almost started crying.

  “Why did you do this, Nick?” I asked.

  “Because you deserve it,” he answered.

  I was so moved by his kindness, his sweetness. Even more, I was astounded that he’d done something so personal and so obviously intimate for me. Something’s changing between us.

  I know it’s time to tell Nick everything. I want someone else to hear about Danny, so I can finally set him free. He’s part of the past, too, and I need to forget it and start living in the present. Easier said than done, I know, but I have to make a stab at it. It’ll be tough having to admit I lied to Nick, but I think he’s ready to accept me as I am. And if he’s ever going to completely trust me I need to let him see the real Maddy Phillips. I guess I’m beginning to understand what Mary was talking about, because now I don’t want to keep anything from him. I want to give him all of myself. I hope he can do the same.

  That night we came much closer to actually making love. Up till then we’d hardly known each other.

  The first couple of times – as good as it was – we were merely fucking. Later, I’d have to call it friendly, recreational sex. But in the past few days we’ve become intimate. It’s been quite wonderful.

  And then there’s the moment in the darkroom. I don’t think a man’s ever given me an orgasm without expecting his own in return. It was an incredible, yet oddly guilt-inducing, feeling.