by K. A. Linde
Lexi and Bekah both just stared at Jack. When had he ever stood up against Bekah? When had he ever kept Lexi and Bekah from each other’s throats? Lexi didn’t know what to say to that. She just wanted to thank him because him speaking up had actually shut Bekah up…and that was all Lexi had wanted at this point.
“Come on, Bekah,” Jack said, taking her hand, “just walk away.”
So, she walked away.
And Lexi stood there, speechless.
How fast had she run out of that apartment?
Jack’s lips had hovered so close to hers. His eyes had been drunk with more than whiskey. She could practically hear his heart beating out of his chest. Or had that been hers? The heat rising between them had been like a blazing inferno threatening to overpower them both.
She couldn’t do it. She couldn’t look into those blue eyes and give in to the feelings he always stirred in her. They were friends now…just friends. And if he felt otherwise, then maybe she should stay away from him.
But her head knowing that didn’t seem to connect with the rest of her body begging and pleading with her to stay—just stay, just one moment, give in. Give in to that smirk, those eyes, the pheromone-spiking smell of sex, to the heat and desire and passion that consumed them inside and out. All she would have had to do was close her eyes. It would have been that simple.
Jack knew what she wanted. He had always known. And it would be no different now.
No different.
No…it certainly wouldn’t be different than any other time they had gambled their relationships away. No different than all the other times they had drawn a line in the sand only to cross it over and over and over again. No different than any of it.
“Then, I should go,” she had whispered into the stillness.
His hand had come down hard on the doorframe to steady himself, and she had thought for a split second that he would cross that line they had drawn more than two years earlier.
“Yeah…yeah, you should.”
“Your hand is still…” Lexi had gestured to the door where his hand had been covering hers.
He had withdrawn his hand with a sigh, and Lexi had turned the knob.
“Hey,” he had whispered.
Taking a deep breath, she had turned back to face him one more time. He had reached out and tucked another lock of hair behind her ear.
“I’ll miss you.”
And then, his lips had landed softly on her cheek, way softer than she had thought they would, considering how much alcohol was in his system. She had swallowed, yanked the door open, and bolted from the apartment.
Her hands shook as she fished out her car keys. She dropped them once and cursed loudly before picking them up and pushing a key into the door. Once it was open, she fell into the front seat and slammed her hands down repeatedly on the steering wheel.
“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck,” she cried, the tears threatening to let loose. “No. Please, no.”
She leaned forward, pressed her forehead into the steering wheel she had been abusing, and let the tears fall. She didn’t even know how to articulate what was ripping through her chest, but it hurt like a motherfucker.
She just wanted to claw her way through her chest and make all the pain go away. How could he say those things to her? How could he say those things when he knew it didn’t matter, when he knew that she was marrying someone else? How could he put her in that position?
The tears ran hot down her cheeks as the roller coaster of emotions unleashed all around her. And she couldn’t stop them from falling because she didn’t even know the true source of her pain. Was she angry that he had said those things to her at all…or that he had said them too late?
“So, let me get this straight,” Chyna said, pacing her flat.
Lexi sat with her feet scrunched up underneath. She had just told Chyna the whole story from start to finish, and she was waiting to hear the backlash.
“Jack told you that he loved you and that you should leave, and you actually walked out of his apartment?”
Lexi nodded solemnly.
“Chica, I’m shocked. Have you actually grown up? Do you have a temperature?” Chyna asked, walking up to her and pressing the back of her hand to Lexi’s forehead.
Lexi brushed her off. “No, I’m not sick, you crazy person.”
Chyna laughed and backed away when Lexi swatted at her again.
“I don’t know what you want me to say. You did the right thing. Jack was drunk and acting like…Jack. I know he hasn’t been that way for a while with you, but that doesn’t mean that the man isn’t still inside of him. I guess the divorce is just getting to him.”
“That’s the understatement of the century.”
“What are you going to do now?” Chyna asked, walking back to Lexi and sitting down.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean…now that Jack is getting a divorce…he’ll be free again,” Chyna said softly.
“So?” Lexi said, looking at Chyna suspiciously.
“Stop looking at me like that. I know you love him.”
“I don’t…”
Chyna leveled her with a stare that stopped Lexi right in her tracks.
“Don’t even try that with me. I know how you are with Jack. You two might have been friends since he got married, but that doesn’t mean you love that man any less. Whether or not it’s stupid is not the question. It’s completely idiotic, but that doesn’t change the fact, not one bit.”
Lexi bit her bottom lip. “I’m not going to do anything. I’m getting married at the end of October,” she whispered, pushing the ring out in front of her as if Chyna didn’t know or hadn’t seen it.
“I know. I’m your maid of honor, remember?”
“I know you are. Speaking of being maid of honor, am I supposed to be doing anything in these last couple of weeks besides planning the bachelorette party that you’ve already planned?” Lexi asked, batting her eyelashes up at Chyna innocently.
“No. Speaking of bachelorette party, what do you want to do for yours?”
“I don’t know,” Lexi said with a shrug. “Isn’t that your job?”
“Have you even found a dress yet?” Chyna asked, ignoring her question.
“For the bachelorette party?”
Chyna rolled her eyes. “Don’t think you can fool me. You still don’t have a wedding dress, do you?”
“Um…”
“Alexa, you need to get one. We’re only six months out!”
“Six months is a long time!”
“I had my designer on that aspect of the wedding, like, two days after Adam proposed. I wanted her to have enough time to do the dress justice. That was before I even knew I was going to be part of fashion week that year and had to add a six-month extension on to the wedding. She breathed a sigh of relief when I told her she had six more months for it. Eighteen months, chica. Not six!”
“Well, I’m not having a big-time fashion designer put together my dress. I’ll buy that shit off a rack and have them tailor it. Can’t take that long,” Lexi said with a shrug.
“Sometimes, I wonder how we’re friends.”
Lexi chuckled at the differences between them. They certainly had drastically different backgrounds, but it had never mattered to Lexi. They worked just the way they were. Lexi was sure Chyna wouldn’t want a friend who mooched off her, and just as likely, she wouldn’t want someone with as much money as her. Most of the other people in the latter category were even more self-absorbed than her best friend, not that she would have Chyna any other way.
“Do we need to go out and look for a dress for you?” Chyna asked, standing quickly at the prospect of shopping.
“Um…no. It’s not a big deal. I’ll find something.”
Chyna dramatically rolled her eyes. “Can we at least go look for a bridesmaid dress for me or something?”
“Aren’t I supposed to be here to help you with your wedding?”
“Yes, but my wedding is planned.
You just need to show up.”
“Then, what am I doing here?” Lexi asked, exasperated. She had gotten out of work for this.
“Because you needed to get away from Atlanta.”
Lexi opened her mouth to protest.
“Away from that divorce, by the looks of it. Maybe away from Ramsey for a bit, too.”
Lexi sighed heavily and rested her head back against the couch. “Isn’t this supposed to be the happiest time of my life?”
“I think a lot of people find wedding planning to be insanely stressful. And while the day of is supposed to be spectacular since it’s one big party…it’s usually pretty nerve-racking and stressful, too. I don’t think it’s strange that you’re freaked-out by this,” Chyna said thoughtfully. “I mean, especially because you freak out about everything.”
“You must have me confused with someone else.”
“Try and tell me that half of this anxiety doesn’t come from Jack’s imminent divorce.”
“Not half—”
“And the other half doesn’t come from shit with Ramsey—the past of lies, that Elisa bitch…what happened last summer.”
“Let’s not talk about that,” Lexi snapped.
“Okay, fine,” Chyna said, throwing up her hands. “Live in your delusional life right now, but one day, you are going to have to face up to all of these anxieties. Wouldn’t it be better to just tell me about them, so you can move on, rather than sitting in your head and obsessing over everything? I’m here for you. I know the stupid shit you’ve done. You know the stupid shit I’ve done. I’m not going to judge you. What do you want, Alexa? What makes you happy through all of this?”
“I don’t know.”
“Seriously?” Chyna asked. She planted her hands on her hips and practically glared at Lexi. “You don’t know what you want?”
“I mean…I know what I want.”
“Then, just forget all the other bullshit. Forget all the drama—Ramsey, Jack, Bekah, Parker, Elisa, John. Just forget it. Tell me.”
“I want Ramsey,” she said automatically.
“I told you to forget about the bullshit. Don’t feed me cookie-cutter answers. I know that you love him, and you agreed to marry him, but that doesn’t tell me what you want,” Chyna cried. “Why does this have to be so difficult? You know what I wanted most of my life?”
“One-night stands?”
Chyna gave her a stilted laugh. “I wanted my parents to leave me alone. I wanted to forget about how much they fucked me up when they got divorced. I wanted their memory not to taint every relationship…every thought of a relationship…even a friendship. And you know what? Then, I found you. They can’t touch you. So, I won at least part of that even if I have to fight the rest of it daily. I won. They didn’t. I got what I wanted. I found a best friend who didn’t treat me like they did, who treated me like a person. I’ve made mistakes…I mean, every once in a while,” she said, raising her eyebrows with a smirk on her perfect lips. “But I knew what I wanted, and I wasn’t going to settle for less than that.”
“While I appreciate the sentiment, are you going to tell me you didn’t settle for less than that all of those years you were sleeping around with half of Manhattan?”
“I wasn’t looking for a relationship then. I’m sure I wouldn’t have found one with the guys I was taking home. Aren’t you surprised I’m getting married?”
“A hundred percent,” Lexi said without skipping a beat.
“Bitch!” Chyna cried. “Anyway, this isn’t about me. I was stupid, and I didn’t go after what I wanted all the time either. I fucked it up with Adam twice, but once I realized that he was it, I haven’t looked back. I just know. It’s like after Marco blacklisted me for over a year. I just didn’t give in to his demands, but I still went after modeling. I never stopped. Then one day Corsa calls me back, says that Marco lifted the blacklist, and that she wants me for fashion week. I won. I got what I wanted. So, cut the bullshit and talk to me.”
Lexi took in a shuddering breath. Chyna wasn’t messing around, and Lexi couldn’t act like it was all a joke any longer. Just considering everything Chyna had said made Lexi want to burst into tears. Because the truth was that her head had been so fucked-up for so long that she didn’t even know what she wanted.
She thought that was Ramsey. She had certainly been saying it was Ramsey for long enough. He was perfect. He loved her fiercely. He wanted what was best for her. There was absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be with a man like that. How could she resist a man who treated her like that?
But then, there was that feeling…that moment…that ate away at her heart. Doubt. Chyna had hit the nail on the head. She had been with Ramsey for almost three-and-a-half years now, and she still couldn’t say whether or not she actually trusted him. It felt ridiculous—absolutely ridiculous. How could she waver about someone when she had been with him that long?
But it still sat there—that seed of doubt—creeping up her spine, spreading out through her nerve endings, paralyzing her when she least expected it.
“I want to…stop feeling like I have to try so hard,” she finally whispered. “I feel like I’ve spent all this time just trying to hold in everything. I can’t be irritated about Parker because I’m friends with Jack. I have to just forget about Elisa because the company wants to forget about Elisa. I have to just accept the man who works a country-club life because he did it for me—when I never asked for any of it! I just have to accept that Ramsey did everything for me because he loves me. I just have to accept that Bekah is trying to tear Jack apart when all I want to do is make it right. I can’t seem to do anything without my past creeping up and smothering me. Above all else, I just want to forget about my past and live my present. Why is that so fucking hard?”
She hadn’t been able to hold in the tears. God, she hated that. But they came to her anyway, and she buried her head into her hands, trying to force them to stop.
Chyna sighed, and Lexi felt the couch dip in when Chyna sat down next to her. She rubbed Lexi’s back, and they let her tears run their course.
“I think the problem isn’t that you can’t forget your past. It’s that you don’t really want to,” Chyna spoke finally.
“What?” Lexi asked, swiping the back of her hand against her cheek.
“Your past shapes who you are as a person. It’s made you into the person you are today. Jack left his mark on you, and Ramsey left his mark on you. Scars can last forever.”
“I know that it shaped me, but that doesn’t mean I can’t change.”
“Of course you can change,” Chyna said, clearly trying to hold in her usual cattiness. “Everyone can change, and I think you have. I just think that the one thing you haven’t changed is running from the things you want. It’s like you think you’re not good enough, like you don’t deserve the world and more—but you do.”
Lexi brushed off Chyna and stood. She made a full circuit of the living room before making up her mind about what she wanted to say.
“You tell me all of this—you say that I run from what I want, that I deserve more, but I don’t know what else I could do to make that a reality. I’ve pushed myself completely into this relationship. I moved to Atlanta. We moved in together. We’ve gone through highs and lows, ups and downs, sideways and back ways—”
“I don’t need to hear about your sex life,” Chyna said, arching an eyebrow suggestively.
Lexi chuckled but continued on, “I’m just saying that I have tried everything and more to make this relationship work. Doesn’t that prove that’s what I want? Doesn’t that prove that I deserve to have some semblance of peace and happiness?”
“You’ve put everything into this relationship?” Chyna asked softly.
“Yes!” Lexi cried, exasperated.
“Then, just answer my one question,” Chyna said, moving to stand directly before Lexi. “Why haven’t you been able to let Jack go? Through all of this…he’s still here.”
“I’ve let h
im go. We’re just friends.”
“He told you he loved you and wanted to take you home with him. I don’t have friends like that.”
“Are you trying to push me toward Jack? He got married! He married Bitch Bekah!”
“And now, he’s divorcing her! I’m not saying that you have to run back to Jack…again. I’m just telling you to think about your life, Alexa. I’m telling you to be a grown-up and realize that some of what you’re going through might just be your own fucking fault! You might love Ramsey and have put everything into this relationship, but you’re only fooling yourself when you keep saying that you and Jack are just friends,” Chyna said, pushing Lexi’s shoulder in a rage. “I think that’s what pisses me off the most. You can have it, have all of it, what everyone searches for, but you do everything in your power to fight it!”
Lexi sagged visibly, feeling the weight of Chyna’s words. “I don’t know how to do anything else.”
Pushing open the door as quietly as possible, Lexi eased into the apartment she shared with Ramsey. She had bumped up her flight from New York and taken the red-eye back that night. Chyna had tried to get her to stay longer, but Lexi knew where she needed to be tonight. She had taken off the weekend to work with Chyna on wedding plans, but Lexi really needed to be here, working on things with Ramsey.
She needed to see him, to touch him, to hold him, to remember why she loved him so damn much. She didn’t normally need that reminder. She didn’t have to be around him at all times to feel those three-and-a-half years envelop her like a blanket. But tonight—well, tonight was different. Chyna had made her all topsy-turvy, and she wanted to be right-side up again. She wanted her initial gut reaction, the one she had been saying over and over again for three years, to be instinctual, to always be at the tip of her tongue. She didn’t want to think about anything else. That was what she wanted.
In that moment, she didn’t care if she was lying to herself about it.
She shut and locked the door behind her and then tiptoed upstairs through the darkened apartment. She had left her bags in her car since she didn’t want to have to haul them upstairs in the middle of the night. All she wanted was to see Ramsey.
