Maybe this incident will help show that each one of us is solely responsible for our current circumstances, and that only by “doing the work” can we make any real change.
I hope each person who visits this space will be able to feel what they feel and get from it what they need. I feel the energy of the words of so many kind souls that have been etched into the panels.
I feel the meaning behind the personal details that tell a story of three highly esteemed men.
I feel the valour of those who sacrificed everything for their fellow man – a sacrifice such as this that can only stem from love.
That love, with the pure intentions of Carolyn Longaphie, Jim Scott, and Morgan MacDonald, inspired this Honour Garden. Thank you to you, and your teams, for this telling tribute.
Let us honour Doug, Dave, and Fabrice and those who walked before us, our ancestors, by honouring ourselves.
Let us be truthful, hold ourselves and each other accountable for our choices, for our words and actions.
This is my truth.
This is how I feel.
Speaking my truth is one of the many ways I honour Fabrice, as I honour myself.
Morgan, I know you are a very humble person, but I must take a moment to thank you from the bottom of my heart for honouring our families with your devotion in creating a representation of these “heroes in life.”
We, their family members, are their keepers. We hold their love and stories within our hearts. We have entrusted many of those memories to you. You have become one of their keepers.
This talking stick was carved from the same tree as the talking sticks Joe made for us. As you have created something tangible for us to cherish, this is for you to keep. Please accept this token of gratitude.
10
Erin Alvarez: Family Focus
Erin Alvarez, Director of Communications for the Tema Conter Memorial Trust, was key to my invitation to the private Moncton event. Erin has never worked as a first responder. Despite that, she has been a different kind of witness to trauma for more than a decade.
Erin does not respond to accidents, fires, murders, suicides, or other horrific incidents, but she frequently hears about them – both at home and at work.
Erin is the spouse of Richard (Rich) Alvarez, an advanced care paramedic and faculty member at Humber College in Ontario. Erin is also a vocal advocate for the support of our first responders, emergency personnel, members of the military, veterans, and their loved ones.
We kindled our relationship in Vaughn when I spoke in February 2015 at the Common Threads conference, the largest symposium in Canada for first responders, focusing on mental health initiatives, education, support, and training.
Erin is a passionate advocate for change and support, to the point that she willingly discusses her own challenges, as she assists others. She tries to spark discussion and efforts to invoke change, especially around helping and supporting spouses, partners, families, and loved ones of people who work around trauma.
Being the partner of a first responder or front-line worker has its challenges, according to Erin, who has this message for men and women entering into relationships with emergency personnel:
“I think a lot of us go into marrying a first responder just seeing the uniform and thinking that it’s hot, and it is, and … I certainly did not expect what came along with that uniform. I had no idea … and I would say to new spouses to educate yourself, so that you don’t get thirteen years in and realize, ‘Oh shit. There’s been a lot of damage happening.’ Whether or not your spouse is suffering yet, just be aware that they could. Educate yourself and remember to take care of yourself as well. It’s a little bit of a dance. You have to take care of yourself, you have to take care of your spouse, and then, when children come into the mix, that’s another thing … my kids are pretty young. Our son, who is six, is starting to ask questions because he knows I work with Tema [Trust], so trying to explain PTSD to a six-year-old … it’s all about awareness, education, and communication – those three things.”
Erin is a master of all three.
A video she shot on her smartphone and uploaded to YouTube on February 4, 2015, garnered far more attention than she expected. She recorded it to try to get more people to attend the Family Information Night at the Common Threads conference where we met. Alvarez thought it might get one hundred views, but it ended up garnering 15,895 as of August 28, 2017.
The video is approximately three minutes long. Its message is the reason I approached her to be part of this book. It’s called “Wife of Paramedic Urges Other Spouses to Pay Attention.” A simple YouTube search will bring you to it.
In the video, Erin is seated in the front seat of her car. She is alone. Traffic moves in the background. Her words are delivered with passion and conviction.
Here is what Erin said in her video that has captured the attention of thousands of people:
“It feels like almost every day we’re hearing about another first responder, another military member, another communications officer, another corrections officer dying by suicide.
“PTSD has become a household name, and public awareness is the highest it’s probably ever been; change is happening within services and the government, but people are still taking their lives, leaving behind families and spouses who think they’ve somehow failed their loved one.
“And this issue – of helping the spouses of those men and women, who risk their lives and their sanity every single time they go on shift – this is something that needs to be talked about, too.
“Like me, most of you probably don’t know who to talk to, how to help, how to differentiate between, and what to do, when your spouse exhibits signs of acute, cumulative, or post-traumatic stress from the job they’ve dedicated their life to.
“When my husband puts on that uniform, people look to him to save them. He walks into a call, not only with the expectation of the people who have called, but of himself, to take control of the situation, to save a life and then move on to the next call.
“First responders will tell you they are more resilient than most people, and maybe that’s true. My husband lives for the ‘bad’ calls, so he can utilize the skills he’s worked so long and so hard to perfect, and some of the bad ones do turn into miracles.
“But when that life can’t be saved, when family members are screaming at my husband to do something to save their loved ones, when he knows there’s nothing more he can do, and then he has to come home to the chaos of our young children, of our daily life and assure me that he’s okay, and sit down for a meal and talk about mundane and meaningless stuff – when does he have time to process this loss?
“How do I process it?
“I have spent the last thirteen years hearing about my husband’s calls. My head is filled with these stories. And while I wasn’t there to see them with my own eyes, I’m disturbed because my husband, a human being, has had to be there in the middle of all of them.
“Is it fair to say it’s been difficult to listen to? Does it make sense that I’m affected?
“I think so.
“Being married to a first responder carries a certain weight of responsibility. As spouses, we need to arm ourselves with tools to recognize, not only signs and symptoms in our spouses, but in ourselves.
“Vicarious trauma and compassion fatigue can happen to us, too. We need to pay attention, and we can’t do it alone …”
Erin’s YouTube video message has resonated with a lot of people; it may resonate with some of you.
Many responders, emergency and military personnel do not talk about the calls, operations, and incidents they are part of, but not all people remain silent. The act of hearing or listening to trauma, or helping care for others, especially the critically injured and acutely or terminally ill, can and does impact people.
Vicarious trauma is defined by the Vicarious Trauma Institute as “a transformation in the helper’s inner sense of identity and existence that results from uti
lizing controlled empathy when listening to clients’ trauma-content narratives. In other words, Vicarious Trauma is what happens to your neurological (or cognitive), physical, psychological, emotional and spiritual health when you listen to traumatic stories day after day or respond to traumatic situations while having to control your reaction.”
Compassion fatigue is defined by author and researcher Dr. Charles Figley as “a state experienced by those helping people in distress; it is an extreme state of tension and preoccupation of the suffering of those being helped to the degree that it is traumatizing for the helper. The helper, in contrast to the person(s) being helped, is traumatized or suffers through the helper’s own efforts to empathize and be compassionate. Often this leads to poor self-care and extreme self-sacrifice in the process of helping.”
Erin has received significant feedback after the video went live. “From family members and spouses, they’re like, ‘Thank you for saying something.’ A couple of people said to me, ‘We felt that guilt … for thinking this is going to impact us. Our jobs are nowhere close to what it’s like to be a first responder.’ ‘It felt like the job, as a spouse, is to take care of our spouse, forget about us.’ ‘We’ll just put our stuff under the rug. But no, we need to be healthy to keep them healthy, so thank you.’”
She has also received accolades from first responders who are looking for tools to assist in supporting and saving their marriages, in some cases. “It can ruin marriages. Communication is key … I don’t think us spouses will ever fully understand what they do, or what they go through, but if they have a little bit more understanding and at least have those tools to recognize signs and symptoms of a bad day or ultimately PTSD, we’ll both be healthier,” Erin said, of why support is crucial for all involved.
“Unfortunately, there is no manual [which states,] ‘If she does this, point your finger down here [for what steps to take].’ It’ll never be like that. I don’t think arming ourselves with these tools is going to stop the development of PTSD, but I think it could stop someone from [dying by] suicide, if we stop it in its tracks enough to treat it.”
Family members, loved ones, and others can face vicarious trauma and/or compassion fatigue, commonly referred to as “secondary trauma.” Just because a person is not physically present at a traumatic scene, disaster, or emergency does not mean they are impervious to its effects.
In Erin’s case, she lived with a paramedic and heard about all of her husband’s calls, and she also heard about trauma, in detail, at work.
Erin originally worked on a television show called Always Good News. It was during 2010, while taping a segment for the program, that she met Tema Trust founder Vince Savoia, who was showcased during one episode. She was instantly attracted to Savoia’s passion for helping first responders and their families. Erin volunteered with the charity and rose to become its director of communications.
Before the 2014 Heroes Are Human cross-country educational tour began, Erin asked Vince if she could do some interviews with people living with PTSD as part of the collateral materials to be used during the national tour to educate the public and raise awareness about the mental health of front-line workers and their loved ones.
She interviewed four people, beginning with a police officer and paramedic who attended the same traumatic call. Both responders had been diagnosed with PTSD, but neither knew the other was also suffering, even though the same call had affected both of them. The two men appear in a trailer for The Other Side of the Hero, a 2016/2017 documentary involving the Tema Conter Memorial Trust.
“I interviewed both of them … It [the call] was about a baby that had been found in a toilet and they had been told it was a miscarriage, but it was a full-term baby in a toilet. The grandmother and the mother just hadn’t told paramedics or police anything. So the two of them had to deal with this, and unfortunately, the baby passed [away]. So I’m hearing in depth about this call from two different perspectives.”
Erin also interviewed a police officer who attended at a murder-suicide scene which involved another baby. The infant had been shot through the head. “And she’s explaining this to me, what she saw when she walked in,” Erin explained.
No details about either call were shared and I did not ask for any.
The fourth person she interviewed was an officer who had attended at multiple suicides. In one case, he had dealt with one woman several times who had called police for assistance. Erin said he thought he had helped save the woman. “And then, the final call [was] when she had jumped out of a building.”
The four interviews were gut-wrenching. The director of communications watched the interview footage over and over again, as she transcribed it, preparing it for use during the 2014 tour. Listening to the trauma impacted her.
“I couldn’t sleep. I was crying all the time. I’m talking to my husband [saying], ‘This is heavy stuff.’ I didn’t think just listening to it would affect me this much. And then, I started looking back at my husband and we’ve been married ten years, and together for thirteen, and I’ve been listening to all of his calls over the years … I felt guilty because I’m having this reaction just listening to this stuff. What are these people going through having been there in the middle of those situations, being called to save people and [they] couldn’t?”
The work became a Catch-22 for Erin. She knew her role was affecting her, but she also wanted to stay with Tema Trust because of the urgency surrounding mental health in Canada.
“At that point, when I knew I should have stepped back, I continued with the [2014] tour. I didn’t go on the whole tour, but I helped for the tour. Then there came a point last year [in 2015] where I finally, at the prodding of some very close friends and my husband, took a step back,” she said.
When we did our interview, part of which follows, in February of 2016, she had reduced her role, but was still helping with marketing, education, and promotion.
JL: “You have chosen to be here [at the conference and with Tema Trust] knowing it could impact you?”
EA: “I am more aware of it [the signs and symptoms.] I’m able to step back when I need to step back. This is a particularly concentrated week and I know that … I go into it knowing that, having done this for a few years. After this week, I probably will ask Vince if I can step back for a few weeks … because I know that is healthy for me. I honestly don’t know how he [Vince] does it, day in and day out, suffering from PTSD himself. It’s a strength I will never fully comprehend. I’m not a religious person, but I feel called to this; I feel called to this because I have been able to cultivate and maintain so many meaningful relationships with people. I’m not changing lives, but I am facilitating lives to be changed through the charity.”
Her self-imposed break did not last long. Fast-forward to late spring of 2016. Erin’s passion for her work led her back to a second stint as Tema Trust’s director of communications. She is a brave person who willingly opens herself up to the effects of trauma, while trying to help others. But Erin has educated herself and now practises self-care.
She also keeps a close eye on her husband in his work as a paramedic. “After hearing about all of the signs and symptoms of PTSD, cumulative stress, all of this stuff, having volunteered with the charity for years, I realized my own husband was exhibiting a lot of these signs, and I hadn’t seen it. He resented me, I think, because I was helping all these other people, and he’s like, ‘Hi, here I am. I’m at home. I’m right here.’ It was so many different realizations for me. I still struggle because I want to help everybody. But I have to keep myself in check.”
JL: “Is it vicarious trauma?”
EA: “That’s the closest thing that I have heard of that I can put a name to it. It’s the accumulation over the years of all the different things I’ve heard. It’s not just hearing those calls. Of course, I’m feeling for the families and the victims. But my most difficult thing that I need to process is my loved one, my husband, had to be there for that, and I could see
how his personality and how he himself has changed. This job has changed him.”
JL: “Is he still working as a paramedic?”
EA: “He is; he is part-time on the road. He made a very important decision a few years ago because he got to the point [she paused], I don’t know what would have happened, to be honest, if he had not decided to go part-time. He had an opportunity to teach full-time in the Paramedic Program at Humber College. Thank God he did that. I’m happy he stayed on the road for a variety of reasons: he does love it. He loves it. It’s a real passion. But he struggles with a lot of different aspects of it; this is a better balance. He still works two to three shifts a week, while working full-time at the college. So it’s not like he’s never on the road.”
Their discussions about his calls and work happened more frequently in the first part of their relationship. As the years went on, if she noticed him come home from work acting withdrawn or irritable, she made the mistake of asking her husband repeatedly what was wrong. “I had the bad habit of pushing: ‘Just tell me. What happened? What’s going on? What’s wrong with you?’”
Erin took it personally if her husband would not speak about what had happened.
“Something I have learned is: silence is not personal. It’s not about me. He needs to come home. He needs to do whatever he needs to do to decompress, and I need to let him know that I am here to listen if he wants to talk, but it’s okay if he doesn’t,” she said.
When the couple started having children, there was a time Erin told Rich she could no longer hear about his horrific calls, something which still makes her feel guilty. “I think that was so selfish. But at the same time, it was part of my self-care,” she explained.
JL: “But you were also impacted by it [hearing about the trauma].”
EA: “I was, and it just sort of boiled up … I like to look at the world with rose-coloured glasses and just assume humanity is good, and there’s hope. But hearing about these horrible, evil people, and how bad things happen to good people, day in and day out … I don’t know what’s going to happen to my optimism if I keep listening. And anything to do with children, I would just become extremely paranoid, knowing what I know about the world through my husband. Talk about hyper-vigilance; I am over the top.”
The Legacy Letters Page 13
