by Anyta Sunday
And there’s the Ernie I know. “I pray to God you don’t finish that sentence.”
Annie stifles a giggle.
“I get it. You didn’t tell me you had a crush on her.” I shake my head at Annie. “How on earth did you fall for this guy?”
I love Ernie, I do, but there’s a degree of stupid that people shouldn’t overlook.
Annie stops rocking. “Actions speak louder than words. Ernie shows me every day how much he cares. It started when he danced with you at Newtown High.”
“You fell for him all the way back then? I thought you liked Darren?”
“I did like Darren back then.”
“Good things take time,” Ernie says, handing me a cup of tea. “I’m a good thing.”
Annie grins. “Took me a while to figure it out.”
“I hated when you hooked up with Darren,” Ernie says, twisting a chair from the table and straddling it. “Bert and Cooper joined in my grief that day in the form of debauchery. Never been so drunk in my life.”
How did I not recognize Ernie was suffering as much as I was that fateful day? I pull out a chair and slump onto it. “I’m sorry, Ernie. I didn’t know.”
“You had your own problems. We all did.”
Zach stands behind me, rubbing my shoulders. I tilt my head back and smile at him. He leans down and kisses me. For a second, it’s almost enough and I’m close to something like love for him. Maybe if I wait long enough, it will grow on me like it did with my sister and Ernie.
“Why didn’t you tell me earlier?” I ask, lifting my tea and taking a sip. The liquid is warm but hasn’t been boiled.
He makes her tea the way she likes it.
“Because—”
“Because I was afraid you would turn her away from me,” Ernie says. “I say stupid things sometimes, and you know all the shit I’ve done. How could you take me seriously? How could you see past those parts to the real ones? I love Annie, and I’m scared one day she’ll see how much more amazing she is than me. As selfish as it might’ve been, I didn’t want you to give her a head start.”
I take another sip of tea.
I stand and lean down to hug Annie. I breathe in the soapy scent of her hair, and I flinch at her cold earring against my cheek.
Emeralds. Ernie’s birthstone. Ernie walks into view and I hold his nervous stare. “They say so long as the friendship is true, emeralds will stay in one piece. I hope yours never break, Annie.”
She nods, chin banging against my shoulder. “They won’t. I won’t let them.”
serpentinite
I bring Zach home to Mum’s for my twentieth. This is the first time they’ve met, and Zach is taking it all in stride. Why have I waited so long to show him off?
He leans back in his chair, the brown of his T-shirt complementary against the dark wood. He fits at this table, fits in conversation with Mum and Paul, jokes casually with Ernie, and listens carefully to Annie. He fits here, and he should fit with me too.
I grab his hand under the table and rub my thumb in circles at his wrist.
Paul refills Mum’s teacup. Their gazes catch, and with the orange sun streaming through the skylight, the scene glistens and shines like well-polished crystal.
“Zach,” Mum says, smiling widely as she focuses on him, “you’re a social worker?”
Zach squeezes me and gently pries his fingers free. He rests his arms on the table as he nods. Half of him is in a square of light that makes his arm hair glisten gold. “Yes, I basically take care of kids in bad situations.”
“That sounds like a tough job.”
I’ve seen Zach so emotionally drained from a day’s work that he doesn’t have enough energy to do anything but sleep. He’s strong, though. Persevering through the hard shit and the threats he gets on a weekly basis. For the kids, he says.
Zach takes a sip of tea. “It’s tough, and sometimes it feels useless. I like that we run family conferences and care and protection meetings, but sometimes it’s not enough. Then we have to move the kids.”
“Difficult. Do you keep in contact with the kids you help once they’re placed in care?”
“For a while, to make sure everything is running smoothly. But eventually I move on. Though I make sure the kids always know they can call me.”
Zach’s arms have broken out in goosebumps, reminding me of last week when Zach brought up one of his toughest cases. His first. We were in my flat, alone, thanks to my flatmates skipping off to the Waiarapa for the weekend. After making us dinner, I found him leaning forward on the couch, elbows on his knees as he scrubbed his face.
“You okay?”
“Yeah.” He stares at his phone on the coffee table. “Just got a message from someone I helped out a couple of years ago.”
“A kid? Are they okay?”
He shrugs. “I have no idea. It didn’t say much. Might have been sent accidentally.”
“Do you have to call and check?”
“No, he’s nineteen. He’ll make his own way in the world.”
I set the dinner on the coffee table. “You helped him when he was seventeen? I thought—”
“Yes, no, I helped his younger brother. Hamish took his brother away from their abusive parents to protect him, but things got bad when their parents discovered them.”
“Shit. I’m sorry.”
Zach’s laugh startles me back to my birthday breakfast, and I blink at the untouched pancakes on my plate.
“I love to surf,” Zach says. “It’s a great way of purging tension.” He kisses my cheek. “I’m going to teach this one a few tricks this summer.”
Annie leans over to Ernie. “You should get lessons too.”
The doorbell rings.
After a few moments, Mum comes back. “Cooper, a visitor for you.”
I push back my chair and wander toward the front door. Standing at the threshold, morning light framed behind him, is Jace. He has his hands shoved into his pockets, and he’s turned away from the house, staring out at the wild garden as he waits.
I breathe in a nectar-scented breeze. “Jace?” I say quietly.
He turns slowly. His gaze is guarded but as he takes me in, a slow grin warms his face. His eyes glitter brightly—the first I’ve seen since forever ago.
“Cooper,” he says softly.
“What are you doing here?” The wooden floorboards cool the soles of my feet, helping to ground me.
He stammers and has to take a deep breath. He tries again. “Happy birthday, Jace. Happy birthday, Cooper. Merry Christmas—when did that happen? After our one-minute call on my birthday, I couldn’t stop thinking about how we used to talk for hours. I want—I wish—”
Footsteps bang down the hall, followed by voices—my sister and Zach. She’s telling him about some embarrassing photos of me that he’ll love.
“Oh, wait. Jace?” Annie’s steps approach faster, and Zach is nearing too. “Hey, I didn’t know you were coming home.” Wellington, she means.
“Just for the weekend,” Jace says, glancing curiously at the other man coming up behind me. “I had something I wanted to do.” His gaze lands on mine, and he pulls something from his pocket.
I take it and smile. A gift. It’s small, hard and heavy.
Jace smiles too. “Happy—”
Zach wraps his arm around my neck, sliding close to me, and extends his other hand. “You’re the brother, right?”
I wince.
It’s subtle but Jace reels back. His now-stiff smile solidifies on his face, as if it’s taking everything in his power to keep it there.
“Yes, his brother.” Reluctantly, he takes the offered hand.
Jace swallows and looks away. “Well, I wanted to wish you a happy birthday. Dad wants to know what you want for your birthday dinner.” He shrugs, already moving across the veranda. “Call him. I gotta go. My girlfriend is waiting in the car.”
He gives us a short wave. “Later.”
* * *
Except Jace is n
ot at Dad’s later. He’s gone, his room void of anything to prove he was even here.
Lila seems saddened by his abrupt departure.
“Maybe he and his girlfriend wanted alone time?”
She frowns. “What girlfriend?”
* * *
Zach and I go back to his place for the night. Still stuffed from dinner, we lounge on his comfy grey couch. A documentary about milk production plays on the television, but we’re not paying much attention. We lie lengthwise on his couch, cuddling and nibbling little kisses on each other’s neck.
His phone buzzes against my crotch, and I laugh.
“Sorry.” He sits up and pulls out his phone, then pauses when he sees the sender. He frowns, and after a second, lies the phone down.
“Who is it?”
He swallows. “Hamish.”
“The big brother you helped?”
He nods, but instead of curling up next to me again, he sits upright.
“Who is Hamish?”
“You just said—”
“No, I mean, who is he to you?”
“Just . . . someone.”
Emotions flicker over his face, and I get it. “Someone special though, right?”
A long moment. “Yeah. But that was in the past.”
I brush my shoulder against his. “It’s okay, Zach. I have a past as well.”
He glances at me. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“I don’t think I can.”
“Yeah. I get it. Neither can I.” He twists and kisses me.
I brush his hair back and rub my nose against his.
“You’re beautiful,” he says simply. “You have no idea how happy I am I pulled over that day.”
“Me too.”
argillite
Argillite. The basement-of-New-Zealand rock.
Deformed. Fractured. Veined. Argillite has endured 300 million years of tectonic movement. And Zach and I are driving over it on our way to Auckland for a concert.
Our first stop was New Plymouth to visit Zach’s cousin, and now we’re on the road again, driving up the coast with the windows wide open. Salty sea air slowly turns earthy—the smell of a thousand sheep.
I change gears and wind around a blind corner. More rolling green hills spotted with sheared sheep. The sun beams brightly through the windshield, and Zach and I simultaneously pull down our sun visors.
Zach pulls out my sunglasses from the glove compartment and hands them to me. He doesn’t say anything. In fact, the whole trip so far, he’s been fidgeting and squirming.
I flash him a smile to calm him, even though my insides are tight. Does he want to tell me something? Does he think we’d be better off friends? The thought makes me cold because I care about Zach. He’s funny, he’s sweet, and he’s great in bed.
Zach shifts in his seat, picking at his seat belt like it’s constricting him of air. “Cooper,” he whispers much too softly for my comfort.
A shiver rolls over me, making my heart race and my stomach churn. What if he wants more? What if he wants to talk about the future?
Zach clogs up again, grumbles and turns on the radio to classic rock. Cat Steven’s The First Cut is the Deepest plays. The lyrics gently wrap around me until I’m living the song. The song is me. The song is us. I want Zach by my side.
Even though I don’t know if I can love again.
I push my sunglasses higher up on my nose so Zach won’t try to read me. The next half-hour, I am lost in thoughts. I don’t even hear the other songs play. I focus on the road and the way the breeze rolls over grass, making the hills shimmer and feel alive, like a green beast who will stretch his limbs and sit up at any moment.
And maybe we’d drive down his arm to his large fist, where he’d crush us to dust with all the memories I can’t seem to shake.
Like the time Jace and I took the hatchback out to Kaitoke Regional Park to see Rivendell, and Jace had breathed deeply and said It really feels like there’s magic here. I wouldn’t be surprised if the trees actually came to life—
I slow down and glance at Zach’s large hands, slightly bumpy with veins. I squeeze his fingers.
I care. I care. I care.
Don’t leave me.
Don’t ask me to stay.
He plays with my fingers for a moment before I pull away to steer around another stretch of winding road.
We’re in the middle of a curve when the song comes on.
“Turn it off,” I plead.
Zach sounds surprised. “What? This is a great song.”
In my mind’s eye, I see Jace’s smile as he says diamonds.
I breathe in sharply. “Turn it off!”
He does, and the silence is loaded with questions that I don’t want to answer. “I’m just dizzy,” I say, curving around another bend. “The music is too much.”
Zach frowns, apparently not buying it, but he lets it go and asks me to pull over.
I do.
He leans over and kisses me deeply, and then pops open my seatbelt. “How about I drive for a bit?”
We swap places, and I lean back against the seat wondering where he is now. Wondering what his life is like. Whether he finds it hard to fall in love again too. I shut my eyes and let the vibrations of the car take me to a dreamy world of giants and rocks and unanswered questions.
* * *
I wake to Zach shaking me gently. “Thought we’d take a stop. I saw a sign for this place and knew we had to come here.”
I take off my sunglasses and rub the bridge of my nose where they pressed awkwardly. I blink in the brightness of the day.
Zach is saying how he always wanted a chance to go here, and when he saw the sign, he knew it was meant to be.
I stretch, ripping out a yawn, and Zach tickles my midriff. I laugh on instinct and yank my T-shirt down.
“Where are—”
Waitomo Caves. The universe just slapped me in the face.
Zach grabs our jackets. “Mr. Geologist, are you ready?”
No.
I follow him anyway. Forty minutes later, we are inching along a narrow passage down a limestone shaft. Our guide talks about the formations but I can barely focus with the shivers running through me.
Our song, and now this? Are these signs?
How many earthquakes can our relationship withstand? Are we as strong as argillite?
I clutch my phone in my pocket, yearning to call Jace.
Zach looks over his shoulder and smiles. With every smile, guilt worms itself deeper into my belly.
If you can’t love him completely, set him free. He deserves better.
But I care! I really do!
We hop on a boat. It’s cool and dark with a distant sound of dripping. Zach takes my hand as we glide into the Glowworm Grotto.
I gasp. It’s like we’re floating in space with galaxies at our fingertips. The darkness thickens and pushes me from behind toward the edge of a high cliff. The rush is unbearable as it comes coupled with memories.
As kids in the cave.
All I Want Is You.
Zach whispers in my ear, and my stomach flips. Now I know what he’s going to ask me, and I’m not ready for it. Certainly not when Jace’s ghost is here dancing with me.
Don’t. Don’t. Don’t.
“Will you move in with me?”
muscovite
Jace’s twenty-second birthday.
My sister, Lila, and Dad huddle around the laptop in Dad’s study, Skyping him as we do every year. I slunk out after a tense Happy Birthday, Jace. He frowned but waved me goodbye.
Lila and Dad speak to him for a few more minutes, asking him how he’s doing. I know this, because I’m standing just outside the study in the shadows.
Part of me doesn’t want to stay here, forcing out fake conversation; another part wants nothing more than to hear his voice, forever, on repeat, even if he said nothing more than a shopping list.
“We have news,” Dad says. I hold my breath, knowing what’s coming bec
ause I helped dad pick out a diamond ring and gold bands. “We wanted to wait to tell you in person, but—”
“We can’t wait,” Lila chirps in. She gestures Dad to spit it out already. He laughs, smacks her with a kiss, and says, “Your mum and I are getting married.”
“Wow, oh my God, congratulations!” Jace’s tone is enthusiastic. “About time, I guess.”
Lila says, “We’ve also decided on a date.”
Annie says, “You better come, brother. No ditching us like you always seem to do.”
Jace says, “Of course I’m going to the wedding! I’ve never ditched you.”
Even Lila and Dad quiet at that. Lila speaks first. “Never mind that. I would love you to walk me down the aisle—”
“Yes. When is it?”
Annie snickers. “Three guesses.”
Jace got it right on the second. “Dad’s birthday? You’re kidding.”
Dad and Annie chuckle. “Dad wants everything on his day. Wait until you hear the theme they have.”
Jace says, “Mum? You agreed to this? A Halloween-birthday-masquerade wedding with a dress code of hauntingly beautiful?”
Lila laughs. “Sounds like fun to me.”
The doorbell rings. Guests Lila and Dad invited over to share the big news. Lila air-kisses Jace and excuses herself. Dad says they’ll call again soon.
They’re kissing as they leave the room and don’t notice me hunkered outside the doorway. I rest my head against the wall and shut my eyes to all this romance. I’m happy for Lila and Dad, but I’m still raw from last week—
Jace says, “So . . . sister, eh?”
“Yep, been a long while coming.”
“Guess so.” A moment of silence, and then, “Cooper didn’t say much. I mean, I guess that’s normal. But he usually stays. Listens.”
I close my eyes.
Annie hums. “Just ignore Cooper, Jace. He’s moping around because he broke up with his boyfriend.”
Quiet. A crackle down the line. “He did?”
Annie sighs on my behalf. “Yeah.”
