by Lauren Runow
I get the nerve to make my move to the side to start my exit, but he stops me, grabbing my arm slightly and holding me there, looking down and whispering, “It was my brother.”
Tears burn the backs of my eyes as the knowledge I learned before I knew who Alex really was runs through my head.
“The military, all of this, this was his dream. Not mine. But he didn’t get to live it, so I—”
I turn to stop him there. “I know.”
Watery eyes look into mine, “You what?”
“Alex, I know about your brother. I know he was killed in Iraq. I know you joined the military in his memory.”
“And you’ve never said anything?”
“No. Remember? No truths, no personal information. I was playing by your rules.”
He looks down, taking a deep breath.
“So, is that what the tattoo signifies? Your brother?”
“Yes. He was always the good kid, straight A’s all throughout high school. He played sports and even got a football scholarship but turned it down because he felt it was his duty to join the military. Me, on the other hand, I was the complete fuck up; always causing trouble, barely graduated high school, landing myself in and out of jail for petty theft and minor drug offenses. There he was doing the honorable thing, fighting for his country while I was getting drunk and high every night with my wife.”
He runs his fingers down his face while shaking his head in disbelief. “Man, our relationship was toxic. We were nothing but bad for each other. Our lives were one big blur of parties and drugs and barely making it by. We fought like crazy and stole anything we could get our hands on to get our next fix.”
I put my hand over which is still holding on to my arm for support. “It’s okay. You don’t have to tell me.”
His eyes are soaked with sadness as he looks away. “It should’ve been me. I’m the son that should be dead. Not him. My family wouldn’t have mourned me like they did him. They would’ve looked at it as a favor to them if I was the one killed.”
He walks to his bed, sitting down and placing his head in his hands shaking back and forth.
“The night I found out he died I was high as a kite. Melissa and I had just taken a hit when my phone rang. It took months to get the sound of my mother’s screams out of my head when she cried out that Ky was dead. I just remember looking over to Melissa as her eyes rolled back in her head and she fell back on the couch in delight. But it never hit me. Pure disgust did. Disgust for who I was. Disgust for the life I was leading. Disgust that I missed his going away party because I was too high to give a shit.”
“Alex—” I sit down next to him, leaning my head on to his shoulder “—I’m so sorry.”
He shakes his head, sniffing loudly as he wipes tears that escaped from his eyes. “I quit that day. Never looked back. Tried to get Melissa to quit too, but she didn’t have the drive I did. And when I joined the military to finish the career Ky wanted, she left me—filed for divorce and moved out with a guy I thought was my best friend. Turns out she was just with me because I could score the best drugs and when I wouldn’t, she moved on to the next.”
“So tell me about the tattoo,” I ask, running my fingers up the back of his shirt where it’s etched in his skin.
“Ky tried once to help get me clean. He bought a ‘69 Chevelle and asked me to help him fix it up. We were almost finished when he was deployed. When he left, he asked me to complete it for him but I went back to my drug-filled days. It’s sitting in a garage at my parents’ house. I haven’t been able to even look at it since his death.”
I kiss the image of the car before asking, “And the lake?”
“When we were little boys, we loved going to Lake Michigan; there’s a small out cove where we hung a rope swing and used to jump off it over and over again.” He takes a deep, shaky breath in. “I guess these are my two favorite memories of him.”
I don’t say anything about the other tattoos, knowing I don’t want to push him too much. Instead, I reach up, pulling his lips to mine, and for the first time, we don’t just fuck. We hold each other, slowly feeling the emotions of the tattoo and the life he’s led bleeding out with me being his calming force leading the way.
7
Alex finally talked me into going to another rave, and I’d be lying if I said deep down I wasn’t at least a little excited. When we pull up, it’s at a different location than the first one and I’m surprised by the people standing out front. I thought it drew attention to the location but pushed the idea out of my head and made our way past everyone to get inside.
As we walk through the doors, the same feeling of euphoria fills my soul. The bass beat setting the tone of my own heartbeat, lifting me to a cloud of serene happiness.
Alex pulls me tightly against him, moving to the music and beginning my night of being anyone but the Officer I am.
Sweat drips down my face hours later, and Alex grabs me, pulling me through the crowd to a counter where he purchases water. Just as the bottle hits my lips, screams yell out when the front doors fly open and police storm the facility mere feet away from where we stand.
“Everyone freeze!” the police shout out in unison.
Alex turns to me screaming, “Run!” while pushing me away from the scene.
An officer grabs my arm before I can get away and Alex rushes to break me free, screaming, “Get out of here!” as two cops tackle him to the ground.
I pause when realization sinks in about what’s really going on. Alex lifts his head from the ground, yelling at me to run before the police push his head flat against the concert floor.
My heart beats fast as I turn to run away only to be caught in the arms of someone tall and strong. My head slams against his bulletproof vest as he holds me tightly, saying, “You aren’t going anywhere.”
When I’m flipped around with my hands forcefully held behind my back, I look up to see Alex being yanked off the floor and taken away with his wrists tied together in some kind of plastic handcuff.
My mind races out of control. What will happen now? Am I being arrested? Where are they taking me? I think I’m going to throw up!
I’m rushed to a van where they forcefully lift me up and push me inside with my hands tied together behind my back with what feels like zip ties. The plastic cuts deep into my wrists as tears spill down my face.
Through watery eyes, I look around, blinking to see more clearly. The van is stuffed with people sitting on either side, but I don’t see Alex anywhere. A deep panic sets in, and suddenly, I can’t breathe. I have no idea where Alex is and now I’m sitting in the back of a police van with strangers. I look at each of their faces, searching for any bit of panic or fear, dying to know they feel the same way I do.
Even though I haven’t been read my rights, I’m pretty sure I’m being arrested. The way everyone around me looks either pissed or sad, with their heads sagging down, my feelings are verified.
I’ve been arrested.
But for what?
I haven’t done any drugs or even drank anything tonight. I’m completely sober. I turn to my right to see a girl who looks like she’s rolling high with her head back and her jaw grinding back and forth without a care in the world.
To my left, I catch eyes with a female who looks to be around twenty years old. She looks bored instead of panicked so I ask, “What’s going on?”
She glances at me and her eyes soften when she notices fear written all over my face. “Oh, girl. Don’t stress. Everything will be okay. This happens every once in a while, no big deal.”
“No big deal!” My eyebrows raise and I start to panic more. “Are we being arrested? I could lose my job. I could get kicked out—”
She stops me before a full panic attack sets in. “It’s okay. Breathe.” She takes a deep breath, egging me on to follow her lead. “That’s it, in through the nose…”
I drop my head back against the van wall, focusing on taking deep breaths to calm myself down.
&nb
sp; “Don’t worry. You don’t look high. Are you?”
I look at her, and with tears rolling down my face I shake my head.
“And you don’t have any drugs on you?”
I shake my head again.
“Then you’re fine. You’ll get a ticket, maybe. Just for trespassing but I don’t know—” she pauses, looking out at the street through the still open doors “—they got a lot of us this time so that’s a good thing. Just means they’ll have too many to process so as long as there aren’t any warrants or tickets on your record you’ll be set free.” She nudges me with her shoulder, trying to calm me down some more. “Just sucks to ruin our night is all.” Then she winks at me before turning to her friend on the other side.
The slamming of the back doors make me jump, and before I know it, the van is moving but to where, I still don’t know.
When the doors open again, police officers pull us out one by one and we walk into a large room where we’re told to sit and wait for our turn to be called up.
I take my seat against the wall and look up to see Alex staring at me from across the room. My eyes light up but his stay fierce, locked on mine, and he lightly moves his head back and forth while pushing his lips out in a shhh movement. Then he mouths very slowly, making sure I fully understand him. You. Don’t. Know. Me.
My eyebrows clench together, and he can see the confusion written all over my face when he says it again, slower this time, then lightly nods his head and raises his eyebrows in response.
I nod my head just as I’m called up for my turn. I look at the woman waiting for me then back to Alex. After a deep breath, his normally strong features sag and his shoulders slip forward when he mouths, I’m sorry before closing his eyes and looking down.
They ask for my ID, and I’ve never been so thankful that I left my purse at home that contains my military ID. All I have on me now is my driver’s license, ATM card along with some cash.
I’m just praying I can keep the military aspect of my life out of this. I point her to where it is in my back pocket and she reaches in to retrieve them.
“Why do you have a Colorado driver’s license?” the booking woman barks out.
Shit! Since I’m in the military I don’t have a California driver’s license, Colorado is technically still my home state. “I, um, I’m—”
“You here on vacation or something?” she asks.
“Yes, um, vacation. I’m visiting my friend who lives here.”
“Well, that’s a shame. Happy vacation to you.” She laughs to herself. “And where’s this friend of yours?”
I look around, locking eyes with Alex briefly before glancing around the room. “I’m, um, I’m not sure.”
“Well, some friend she is. Takes you to an illegal party, gets you arrested then leaves your ass,” she says under her breath, shaking her head in disbelief.
I sigh, not sure how to respond. Looking around the room again, I notice Alex being called up to the desk near him.
“Well, let me get a look at you,” the woman says, standing up and removing the ties that were binding my wrists together. “Are you on anything?”
“Excuse me?” I ask.
“Drugs, did you take anything tonight?”
“No, ma’am,” I say sternly then instantly regret it.
She stops mid-track and looks at me surprised. “Well, well, I haven’t been called ma’am in quite a while.” She laughs before she sighs, standing back up straight and looking into my eyes with nothing but boredom crossing her expression. “Okay, I want you to stand on one foot and balance while touching your finger to your nose.”
I do as I’m told and though fear has me trembling, I think I pass her test.
“Yeah, you’re sober. Go on over to the first cell on your right and wait there for further instruction.”
I do as I’m told, glancing over at Alex who’s still standing in the cuffs and talking to someone at the desk with his back to me.
When I enter the holding cell, I notice the girl I spoke with in the van sitting with an empty seat next to her so I walk over with a slight smile on my face, hoping she’ll befriend me so I don’t freak out again.
She glances up and smiles back, scooting over more and hitting the seat next to her, inviting me to sit down.
“So I take it this is your first time?”
I laugh. “How could you tell?”
“Believe me, you have trouble virgin written all over you. Surprised you even came to a rave. I’m Tracy, by the way.”
I smirk. “Hi, I’m Jenelle. And yeah, I came with this guy—”
She laughs, interrupting me. “It’s always for a guy. And let me guess, he left your ass as soon as the cops showed up.”
“No, actually, he tried to help me get away and was tackled himself, but I was caught by another officer.”
“Shitty.”
We sit in silence as we await our fate. So many things are running through my mind, and I don't know if I want to throw up or hyperventilate. Instead, I rest my head against the back wall and focus on taking deep breaths in and out.
Before I know it, a gruff woman opens our cell door, declaring, “Okay, you all can go.”
Relief flies from my fingers to my toes as my chest widens enough where I can finally take a deep breath of air, filling my lungs as tears fill up my eyes. I look at the girl next to me with a huge smile on my face.
She laughs, hitting my leg. “Told ya. Free to go.”
We walk out of the jail and I relish in the cold breeze that sweeps across my face, feeling more free than I have in my entire life.
Tracy walks up laughing at my joy. “You should see your face right now,” she jokes. I grin in response. “So—” she looks around “—is your guy out here, too?”
Oh no! I search for any glimpse of Alex, and just like that, my freedom flies away and doom fills my lungs again.
“No, I don’t see him.” My hands fly up to my face, blocking the tears that start to fall.
“It’s cool. We’ll wait a little longer and see if they release him as well.”
I turn to her. “Thank you,” I whisper as she embraces me in a comforting hug and we walk to a bench to wait out his release.
Only it never comes.
After an hour, she invites me back to her place so I could figure out what’s truly going on.
It’s not until five in the morning that I break down and call the police department. Only to learn Alex was arrested for trespassing, and won’t be released until Monday morning.
My worst fears have come true. Not only did he get arrested, but there’s no way we can hide this from the authorities back on base. Thoughts of me being there instead of him make my stomach turn, and I have to run to the bathroom where nothing but dry heaves commence.
I need to get home; I need to figure out my next move, but mostly, I need to come clean about Alex to someone.
I decide to call Layla, filling her in about everything that has been going on the past few months and why I was keeping it a secret.
After congratulating me on finally having a life outside of the military, she agreed to pick me up from the Concord BART station. After saying my goodbyes to my new friend, thanking her for the hospitality, I head back home.
Alone.
Layla is standing at her car as soon as I step off the platform toward the parking lot. After giving her a hug, we head back home, her drilling me the entire way about Alex, what we’ve been doing and making me explain again the hierarchy of the military and why me hanging out with him is so wrong.
“I don’t understand,” she says shaking her head. “It’s not like he’s eighteen. You guys are the same age. You can’t tell me people don’t date each other in the military.”
“Yes, but I’m an Officer. That adds a totally different aspect to this situation. There are rules about this, and I could get in a lot of trouble.”
“Rules, shmules. He sounds like fun,” she laughs.
I take a deep bre
ath, running my fingers through my hair. “He has been. I’m afraid of what’s gonna happen now.”
Sunday drags on at an unbelievably slow pace. All I can picture is Alex sitting in jail, and there’s nothing I can do about it. When Monday morning arrives, I grip my phone, taking it everywhere with me so I don't dare miss his call.
It’s not until our briefing that I get a glimpse of what’s going on. First Sergeant Thompson walks into our meeting a few minutes late announcing, “Please excuse my tardiness but I was on the phone with the S.F.P.D., Airman Riley was arrested this weekend at a rave in San Francisco, and they’re requesting he is released to us because of his record of drugs and theft. He should have been charged, but when he told them he was trying to clean up his act and was enlisted in the military, they decided to just ticket him for trespassing as long as he was released to our custody.”
I want to cry, I want to scream, but all I can do is sit there, act non-affected by the news, and even worse, pretend that I’m not okay with his actions.
I’m a fucking hypocrite, and I hate myself right now.
Because I’m the highest ranking in the room, I should be the first to speak. Thankfully I’m saved when Lieutenant Stine speaks up even though his words sting more than Thompson’s. “We seriously need to consider discharging Airman Riley. He’s not living up to the military’s standards and has been nothing but trouble. I say this is his final straw.”
“No!” I stand up, shocking everyone, even myself. “I mean, we need to hear his side of the story. He’s here for a good reason. We need to give him that chance.”
Nervously, I grab my chair, sitting back down and smoothing my uniform while I take a deep, calming breath.
Thankfully, First Sergeant Thompson defends Alex. “I agree with Captain Mazerolle. He’s a special case but Lieutenant Stine is correct as well. I think this is his final warning and will make that clear when I pick him up. If he steps out of line again, I, myself, will start the dishonorable discharge papers.”
