“Don’t bullshit me, Ezzy.” Esmeralda gave me a tight lipped shrug. I suppose it was her look of encouragement. I held the frog out in front of me. “Conjuro te Barnabas! Conjuro te Barnabas! Conjuro te Barnabas!” I blew a noisy raspberry on the slick ceramic belly.
What happened next made my heart stop. The figurine began to squirm. I pushed it away and its big eyes blinked at me. “Holy shit! It’s, it’s…this thing is alive!”
“What? You were expecting maybe a Reuben sandwich?” The frog spoke with a distinctive Brooklyn accent. If I didn’t know better, I could have sworn it was Steve Buscemi talking. “Hey, Ezzy, tell your friend here to take it easy. She’s squeezing the hell out of me.”
“Kelly, meet Barney. Barney is an imp. Despite popular myths, imps are not demons. They belong to the fairy group of spirits. Unfortunately for them, they have to reside in an effigy. An effigy that is chosen for them by a witch or wizard.”
“Unfortunately is right! If you could have seen me when I was in that statue of Apollo! You two would be on your hands and knees, both trying to slobber on the same corn on the cob, if you get my drift. You’d be begging to have your brillos fluffed and your sausage sleeves stuffed. Yeah, you two—”
“All right, Barney. Enough. We get it, you were a hottie, once upon a time, far, far away, yada, yada. I should have warned you, Kelly. Barney can be a little—”
“Hey! I’m an imp. I am what I am. I’m not going to apologize. Not even for my current frog state. This frog look really isn’t the worst. Those last witches had me in some flying baby statue for a while. Imagine what I was like as an incontinent winged cherub fluttering around. Those old bitches couldn’t handle it. So they forced me into one of their shitty garden statues. Ta-da! Here I am. I miss the ability to fly, but not the bladder control issues. But I’m going to make a little deal with the two of you. You get me into some Greek or Roman god statue, maybe even something more contemporary, and I’ll help you with any impish mischief you want to get into. Sound good?”
“Sounds perfect. But you have to serve us until the Autumnal Equinox, then you can pick out what you want.”
“Autuminuminal Equiwhat? Ezzy, Ezzy, baby. Are you saying I have to wait five months until fall? Seriously? Work with me here.”
“No. That’s the deal, Barney. I can’t move you into a new form until there is an equinox. Take it or leave it.”
“Are you kidding? Come on! You try scratching your ass with friggin’ frog arms. Jesus.” Barney waved his little green arms and flexed his webbed hands. “I’ll take your deal. But it better be a statue with some good equipment under the fig leaf, if you know what I’m sayin’. I don’t want to be stuck in one of those short peckered Da Vinci sculptures. Have you seen the schmekel he put on his statue of David? The dude’s got a little smokie and a pair of prunes, for Christ’s sake.”
Chapter Four
Kickstarting Karma
The impish frog’s bargaining was interrupted by the doorbell and subsequent dog barks. “Pizza’s here, Ezzy.” I took some cash out of my purse and answered the door while Ezzy shooed Barney out of the living room.
“Got some pizza here for Kelly.” A dark haired, handsome delivery man took a step inside, getting an eyeful of both Ezzy and myself. “Well, hell-ooo, ladies.” Ezzy joined me at the door. It was obvious that her scantily clad body had gotten the man’s full attention. “Whoa, looks like you two are only missing one thing for your pizza party, some Italian sausage. I’ll be more than happy to stick around and provide that.”
“I bet you would like that.” I noticed a gold wedding band on his hand. It was time to mess with his head. “What do you think, Ezzy? This guy wants a threesome. It’s always been my fantasy to take random strangers into my house for sex.”
“I don’t know. Say, pizza guy, do you have a name?”
“Mike. Mike Stumpf.”
“Well, Mike, we have peculiar tastes. What’s your dress size?”
“Uh, never mind. Here’s your food.” The man scrambled out to his car and never looked back. Esmeralda doubled over in a fit of laughter at the way she scared away the obnoxious delivery guy.
“See what I mean, Ezzy?”
“Um…yeah, guys are really shy about telling you their dress size.”
“No. Well, I suppose they are, but my point is that guy had a wedding band on. Somewhere, his wife is waiting for him, thinking he’s out working hard and what’s he doing? He’s out trying to get laid. I’m no saint, and I don’t begrudge anyone trying to stir up a little action, but my God! Cheaters I can’t tolerate. He’s the kind of guy that Karma needs to kick in the ass.” I watched the pizza guy pull away from the curb. His car made the same loud noise as the car that rear-ended me. “That bastard!” Sure enough, he had one working headlight. A closer look revealed the rest of the car was the same piece of trash on wheels, apparently held together with bumper stickers, that fled from the scene earlier in the night.
“What’s up, Kelly? You look like you just saw a ghost.”
“Just a realization. Rear-ended by the pizza dude.”
“Sounds like the title of one of Leigh’s romance books.”
“No, Ezzy! That’s the asshat who hit me earlier. I just saw, and heard, his car.”
“A very fortunate coincidence just occurred, and it’s been decided for us. We absolutely must throw some curses on him.”
I was still in shock at the convenient way it worked out. Now I had the name of the guy who hit me. Proving it to the police might be impossible, but here I was, surrounded by the best revenge magic I could ask for. “Damn right, Ezzy. Let’s do it.”
“Let’s discuss this whilst stuffing our faces.” Ezzy took the food and set it on the coffee table while I went to get drinks from the refrigerator.
A sudden scraping sound in the kitchen caught me by surprise. I jumped backward to avoid whatever was coming from behind the island. My little dogs sprinted past me. Their collars each had a shoelace tied to them. On the other end of the laces was Barney, standing in a mixing bowl. He held the ends of the laces carefully, using them as reins to drive the two dogs like horses. To see the frog filled mixing bowl being pulled by a team of Chihuahuas was more than unexpected, it was bizarre. “Barney! What are you doing to my dogs?”
“I’m an imp. Yet, you keep expecting something else from me. And your little dogs are just fine.” Barney hooted and yelled as the dog powered, mixing bowl chariot flew into the living room. Indeed, the dogs looked like they were enjoying it. I thought about what Barney said. I needed to remember an imp is going to behave like an imp. There’s no point expecting anything else. I hoped that rule didn’t hold true for men.
Barney completed his joyride and joined us at the coffee table. As I watched Barney trying to eat pizza, I had an idea. “Barney, you heard us talking about the pizza guy. Let’s say we wanted him to feel a little Karma. What would you suggest and how would you go about doing it?”
“That’s pretty straight forward.” Barney awkwardly smacked his frog mouth on a thick piece of melted cheese. “But eating this pizza is a lot harder than you’d think. Everything sticks to this damn frog tongue. So, about this guy. You want me to just show you?”
“I say go for it. What do you say, Kel?”
“I agree. Show us what you’ve got.”
Barney walked over to the old trunk. It seemed like a perfectly normal thing to say, but in fact, it was one of the most bizarre things I’ve seen. I mean, it was strange enough to see a two foot tall frog sporting a leather biker outfit, but seeing it walk on his hind legs really took some getting used to.
Barney fished around in a velvet sack and pulled out what looked to be a grapefruit sized crystal ball. He brought it back to the table and set it down. “I bet you ladies are wondering what this is for. If you think it’s a crystal ball, you’re wrong. It’s not for seeing the future or the past. No, this baby is live TV, without the commercials.”
Esmeralda picked up the bal
l and rolled it around in her hands. “Weird. If I look inside of this thing, it looks like an eyeball. A giant glass eyeball.”
“Hey! You’re smudging it up with your grubby pizza hands.” Barney grabbed the ball from her hands and wiped it down with a napkin. “We can watch anyone we put a curse on. Of course, it’ll need to be powered up by the magic provided by the three of us. Go put on those charmed garments.”
Esmeralda removed a mask and feathered cape from the trunk. “You seemed to be pretty interested in this mask. Maybe you should try it on. The cape, too.” She tossed them to me before picking up the green Druid suit for herself. “I’ll try this Druid…” Ezzy unfolded the material and held it up on front of her. She stopped in midsentence when she realized the green suit was a tight fitting, one piece outfit. It reminded me of a ballet dancer’s costume, with long sleeves, a high collar, and full length legs. And it was small. “Aw shit. It’s a unitard. Look how small this thing is.” She placed it against her body. When I saw that it seemed to be nearly half of her size, I busted out laughing. “All right, Kelly, get ready to cut me out of this thing if I start to turn blue.” She placed it at her feet, bent down and stretched the neck opening to allow her feet to enter.
“You got it.” I was still chuckling as I threw the cape over my shoulders and placed the huge mask on my face. I was thanking God I wasn’t the one fitting my size twelve body into the Druid suit. Stretchy or not, one-size definitely doesn’t fit all, especially for those blessed with curvy hips and ample breasts. I guessed Ezzy was about a size six and it would be trouble enough for her, and I was right.
“Hey! Watch out! You damn near stomped on me,” Barney shouted.
Ezzy had somehow gotten her legs into the outfit and was now trying to stretch her arms up through the sleeves. Her efforts caused her to fumble around. “It’s very elastic, so it doesn’t feel nearly as tight as I thought it would. Except I have a wedgie that runs from front to back. How do I look?”
“Uh...very form fitting. It looks like it was painted on you.” The green fabric certainly did stretch snuggly around every part of her body, but I had to wince at the very noticeable front end wedgie. It looked uncomfortable as hell.
“What? I have one of those fucking giraffe toes, don’t I?” Ezzy bent down and pushed her stomach in at the same time in order get a look at herself.
“Well, I can’t say that I’ve seen the toes of a giraffe.”
“Okay, elephant toes, monkey toes. Whatever it’s called.”
“Oh!” I was laughing too hard to provide a coherent response. “Jesus! You’ve got a circus down there?”
Barney leaned in towards Ezzy and squinted. “Looks like a tiny set of butt cheeks to me. I’ll just pull that fabric out of there.”
“Barney, you do that and I’m going to kick you like a fucking football.”
“Okay, okay. Just trying to help you out, Ezzy. Geesh.”
“Oh, man. From the looks of us, you’d think we’re getting ready for a late night trip to Walmart.”
“One more thing, Ezzy.” Barney pulled another item from the velvet sack. “You forgot the most important accessory.” He hopped up on the back of the couch, ordering Ezzy to bend down. He placed a gold colored metal headband on Esmeralda. Mounted preciously to the band was a set of silver deer antlers.
“Really? Is this absolutely necessary? I don’t see why black magic requires me to dress like a Druid joker. Look at me. Hi. My name is Esmeralda, Peter Pan’s insane step-sister. And don’t laugh too hard, Kelly. You look like a turkey that kissed a speeding freight train.”
“Don’t quit now, Ezzy. I’m starting to have fun.” I flapped the feathery cape.
“Now, let’s have some real fun.” Barney took the magic ball, setting it next to the TV. “I’m going to send the video and audio right to your television set. Then we can see what’s happening.”
“Good idea, Barney. Everyone gather around the trunk next to me.” Esmeralda took three black candles from a compartment in the trunk’s lid. She lit them, passing one to me and one to Barney. She picked up the ebony staff in one hand. “We’ll be making a triad. I can direct the hex onto the pizza guy because I know his true name. It’s the key to curses and hexes.”
“Isn’t that a given?” Barney croaked.
“I mention it because many years ago and in many cultures today, people go by another name simply to thwart a curse. These are the kinds of things an apprentice like Kelly needs to know. As far as these goofy outfits go, I suppose they can’t hurt. I’ll be reading a spell called Justice, from the pocket-sized spell book that was in the trunk. I just have to fill in the blanks as required. Mike Stumpf, Mike Stumpf, you are cursed by our dark triad. Specifically for the high crimes of adultery and causing an accident, which you ran away from, we curse you to suffer the pain you have inflicted unto others, um…how about tenfold?”
“Let’s not kill the guy. How about double?”
“Oh, all right. You’re such a killjoy, Kelly. We curse you Mike Stumpf, to suffer the pain you have inflicted unto others, double.” Ezzy paused, apparently to let the spell seek out its target. “Hey Kelly, what’s Jackass Scott’s name?”
“Scott Schwarz. Are you going to curse him now?”
“As long as I’m already in this onesie, we might as well. Scott Schwarz, Scott Schwarz we curse you. We call upon the fates to deliver to you the harvest of what you have sown. Specifically for the crimes of objectifying women, playing the role of victim, and falsely promising romance in order to feed your narcissistic tendencies, we curse you to suffer what those things feel like, double.”
“Wow! Look, Barney. Ezzy’s antlers are lit up.” The silver antlers shined with the glow of bright neon lights.
Barney rubbed his webby hands together. He was smug and devilishly satisfied. “I frickin’ love doing this shit. Warm up that pizza, girls. We’re going to watch some television.”
Chapter Five
Karma Double Feature
“There’s the pizza guy. Looks like he’s making another delivery.” I pointed at the two pizza boxes on the seat next to him. He pulled into a driveway where he sat for a moment. He got out of the POS car, leaving the boxes of pizza on the front seat and proceeded to walk up to the front door of a house.
“Something’s going on, Kelly. But whatever it is, it’s not a delivery. He’s not carrying any pizza. It could be that he’s done for the night and just got home. No…he’s knocking on the door. It’s definitely not his house. Barney, can you zoom in on the mailbox by the door? It has a name on it.”
“No problem, no problem.” Barney rubbed the glass ball with his hands. “Just a second…there. You gotta rub these balls just right. Very touchy. But I’ve got it now. Bingo! The name on the mailbox is Whitehurst.”
“Someone’s letting him in. Ooh, see that, Ezzy? She’s wearing a skimpy negligee. Barney, will your magic eyeball follow him into the house?”
“Sure. Just watch. See, there they go to that couch. And on her knees she goes. Nice. Miss Whitehurst certainly is friendly. Obviously, this is not their first get together. Turn up the volume, Kelly.”
“I don’t know what you expect to hear. She’s blowing him. It’s not like they’re having a conversation.”
“I don’t know about you, Ezzy, but I’m finding this to be very…”
“Invasive? Dirty? Yet, you can’t you can’t quit watching?”
“Exactly! Isn’t it great? I think it’s because we know the bastard is going to get his due at some point.”
Barney lounged back against the leg of the coffee table with his hands behind his head. Loosey’s head was in his lap and Lorena was curled against him. “Long before there was reality TV, there was the coliseum in Rome. The Roman Empire understood human nature. You need to follow their example, embrace it, wallow in it.”
“Now look. And there she goes, bent over the sofa,” Ezzy commented.
“My two favorite words to hear a guy say to me.”
> “And which words would those be, Kelly?”
“Bend over.”
“I admit those are good words, Kelly. But even better are the muffled sounds I hear when I’m getting my…well, when a guy is going down on me.”
Barney coughed. “Come on! So this is how you ladies actually talk about sex? The two of you are just as bad as guys. Maybe worse.”
“Zip it, Kermit.”
“Oh, did you see that?” I saw the couple quickly stand up and grab their clothing. “It looks like they just got spooked by something. Barney, can you switch the view to the outside? I wonder if someone showed up.”
“I can do better than that.” He flicked one webby fingertip on the ball and the TV went to a split screen, with one view inside of the house and the other outside. In the driveway was a red contractor’s work truck. Large white lettering that read: TOM WHITEHURST PLUMBING.
I realized exactly what was happening. “Oh shit! It must be the guy who lives at this house. He’s home from work and his wife is shagging the pizza boy.”
“Kelly, I think it’s safe to say our trailer park Casanova is about to get an ass kicking. Ha! The plumber just spotted them through the open curtains. Now he’s getting something from the truck. I wonder what it is. I sure hope it’s not a gun.”
literal leigh 05.6 - karma inc Page 3
