by Ayn Rand
He walked slowly up the path toward the door. He felt no emotion, only the sense of a great, solemn clarity. He knew that this house was a monument of guilt--of his guilt toward himself.
He had expected to see his mother and Philip; he had not expected the third person who rose, as they did, at his entrance into the living room: it was Lillian.
He stopped on the threshold. They stood looking at his face and at the open door behind him. Their faces had a look of fear and cunning, the look of that blackmail-through-virtue which he had learned to understand, as if they hoped to get away with it by means of nothing but his pity, to hold him trapped, when a single step back could take him out of their reach.
They had counted on his pity and dreaded his anger; they had not dared consider the third alternative: his indifference.
"What is she doing here?" he asked, turning to his mother, his voice dispassionately flat.
"Lillian's been living here ever since your divorce," she answered defensively. "I couldn't let her starve on the city pavements, could I?"
The look in his mother's eyes was half-plea, as if she were begging him not to slap her face, half-triumph, as if she had slapped his. He knew her motive: it was not compassion, there had never been much love between Lillian and her, it was their common revenge against him, it was the secret satisfaction of spending his money on the ex-wife he had refused to support.
Lillian's head was poised to bow in greeting, with the tentative hint of a smile on her lips, half-timid, half-brash. He did not pretend to ignore her; he looked at her, as if he were seeing her fully, yet as if no presence were being registered in his mind. He said nothing, closed the door and stepped into the room.
His mother gave a small sigh of uneasy relief and dropped hastily into the nearest chair, watching him, nervously uncertain of whether he would follow her example.
"What was it you wanted?" he asked, sitting down.
His mother sat erect and oddly hunched, her shoulders raised, her head half-lowered. "Mercy, Henry," she whispered.
"What do you mean?"
"Don't you understand me?"
"No."
"Well"--she spread her hands in an untidily fluttering gesture of helplessness--"well ... " Her eyes darted about, struggling to escape his attentive glance. "Well, there are so many things to say and ... and I don't know how to say them, but ... well, there's one practical matter, but it's not important by itself ... it's not why I called you here ..."
"What is it?"
"The practical matter? Our allowance checks--Philip's and mine. It's the first of the month, but on account of that attachment order, the checks couldn't come through. You know that, don't you?"
"I know it."
"Well, what are we going to do?"
"I don't know."
"I mean, what are you going to do about it?"
"Nothing."
His mother sat staring at him, as if counting the seconds of silence. "Nothing, Henry?"
"I have no power to do anything."
They were watching his face with a kind of searching intensity; he felt certain that his mother had told him the truth, that immediate financial worry was not their purpose, that it was only the symbol of a much wider issue.
"But, Henry, we're caught short."
"So was I."
"But can't you send us some cash or something?"
"They gave me no warning, no time to get any cash."
"Then ... Look, Henry, the thing was so unexpected, it scared people, I guess--the grocery store refuses to give us credit, unless you ask for it. I think they want you to sign a credit card or something. So will you speak to them and arrange it?"
"I will not."
"You won't?" She choked on a small gasp. "Why?"
"I will not assume obligations that I can't fulfill."
"What do you mean?"
"I will not assume debts I have no way of repaying."
"What do you mean, no way? That attachment is only some sort of technicality, it's only temporary, everybody knows that!"
"Do they? I don't."
"But, Henry--a grocery bill! You're not sure you'll be able to pay a grocery bill, you, with all the millions you own?"
"I'm not going to defraud the grocer by pretending that I own those millions."
"What are you talking about? Who owns them?"
"Nobody."
"What do you mean?"
"Mother, I think you understand me fully. I think you understood it before I did. There isn't any ownership left in existence or any property. It's what you've approved of and believed in for years. You wanted me tied. I'm tied. Now it's too late to play any games about it."
"Are you going to let some political ideas of yours--" She saw the look on his face and stopped abruptly.
Lillian sat looking down at the floor, as if afraid to glance up at this moment. Philip sat cracking his knuckles.
His mother dragged her eyes into focus again and whispered, "Don't abandon us, Henry." Some faint stab of life in her voice told him that the lid of her real purpose was cracking open. "These are terrible times, and we're scared. That's the truth of it, Henry, we're scared, because you're turning away from us. Oh, I don't mean just that grocery bill, but that's a sign--a year ago you wouldn't have let that happen to us. Now ... now you don't care." She made an expectant pause. "Do you?"
"No."
"Well ... well, I guess the blame is ours. That's what I wanted to tell you--that we know we're to blame. We haven't treated you right, all these years. We've been unfair to you, we've made you suffer, we've used you and given you no thanks in return. We're guilty, Henry, we've sinned against you, and we confess it. What more can we say to you now? Will you find it in your heart to forgive us?"
"What is it you want me to do?" he asked, in the clear, flat tone of a business conference.
"I don't know! Who am I to know? But that's not what I'm talking of right now. Not of doing, only of feeling. It's your feeling that I'm begging you for, Henry--just your feeling--even if we don't deserve it. You're generous and strong. Will you cancel the past, Henry? Will you forgive us?"
The look of terror in her eyes was real. A year ago, he would have told himself that this was her way of making amends; he would have choked his revulsion against her words, words which conveyed nothing to him but the fog of the meaningless; he would have violated his mind to give them meaning, even if he did not understand; he would have ascribed to her the virtue of sincerity in her own terms, even if they were not his. But he was through with granting respect to any terms other than his own.
"Will you forgive us?"
"Mother, it would be best not to speak of that. Don't press me to tell you why. I think you know it as well as I do. If there's anything you want done, tell me what it is. There's nothing else to discuss."
"But I don't understand you! I don.'t! That's what I called you here for--to ask your forgiveness! Are you going to refuse to answer me?"
"Very well. What would it mean, my forgiveness?"
"Uh?"
"I said, what would it mean?"
She spread her hands out in an astonished gesture to indicate the self-evident. "Why, it ... it would make us feel better."
"Will it change the past?"
"It would make us feel better to know that you've forgiven it."
"Do you wish me to pretend that the past has not existed?"
"Oh God, Henry, can't you see? All we want is only to know that you ... that you feel some concern for us."
"I don't feel it. Do you wish me to fake it?"
"But that's what I'm begging you for--to feel it!"
"On what ground?"
"Ground?"
"In exchange for what?"
"Henry, Henry, it's not business we're talking about, not steel tonnages and bank balances, it's feelings--and you talk like a trader!"
"I am one."
What he saw in her eyes was terror--not the helpless terror of struggling and failing to unders
tand, but the terror of being pushed toward the edge where to avoid understanding would no longer be possible.
"Look, Henry," said Philip hastily, "Mother can't understand those things. We don't know how to approach you. We can't speak your language."
"I don't speak yours."
"What she's trying to say is that we're sorry. We're terribly sorry that we've hurt you. You think we're not paying for it, but we are. We're suffering remorse."
The pain in Philip's face was real. A year ago, Rearden would have felt pity. Now, he knew that they had held him through nothing but his reluctance to hurt them, his fear of their pain. He was not afraid of it any longer.
"We're sorry, Henry. We know we've harmed you. We wish we could atone for it. But what can we do? The past is past. We can't undo it."
"Neither can I."
"You can accept our repentance," said Lillian, in a voice glassy with caution. "I have nothing to gain from you now. I only want you to know that whatever I've done, I've done it because I loved you."
He turned away, without answering.
"Henry!" cried his mother. "What's happened to you? What's changed you like that? You don't seem to be human any more! You keep pressing us for answers, when we haven't any answers to give. You keep beating us with logic--what's logic at a time like this?--what's logic when people are suffering?"
"We can't help it!" cried Philip.
"We're at your mercy," said Lillian.
They were throwing their pleas at a face that could not be reached. They did not know--and their panic was the last of their struggle to escape the knowledge--that his merciless sense of justice, which had been their only hold on him, which had made him take any punishment and give them the benefit of every doubt, was now turned against them--that the same force that had made him tolerant, was now the force that made him ruthless--that the justice which would forgive miles of innocent errors of knowledge, would not forgive a single step taken in conscious evil.
"Henry, don't you understand us?" his mother was pleading.
"I do," he said quietly.
She looked away, avoiding the clarity of his eyes. "Don't you care what becomes of us?"
"I don't."
"Aren't you human?" Her voice grew shrill with anger. "Aren't you capable of any love at all? It's your heart I'm trying to reach, not your mind! Love is not something to argue and reason and bargain about! It's something to give! To feel! Oh God, Henry, can't you feel without thinking?"
"I never have."
In a moment, her voice came back, low and droning: "We're not as smart as you are, not as strong. If we've sinned and blundered, it's because we're helpless. We need you, you're all we've got--and we're losing you--and we're afraid. These are terrible times, and getting worse, people are scared to death, scared and blind and not knowing what to do. How are we to cope with it, if you leave us? We're small and weak and we'll be swept like driftwood in that terror that's running loose in the world. Maybe we had our share of guilt for it, maybe we helped to bring it about, not knowing any better, but what's done is done--and we can't stop it now. If you abandon us, we're lost. If you give up and vanish, like all those men who--"
It was not a sound that stopped her, it was only a movement of his eyebrows, the brief, swift movement of a check mark. Then they saw him smile; the nature of the smile was the most terrifying of answers.
"So that's what you're afraid of," he said slowly.
"You can't quit!" his mother screamed in blind panic. "You can't quit now! You could have, last year, but not now! Not today! You can't turn deserter, because now they take it out on your family! They'll leave us penniless, they'll seize everything, they'll leave us to starve, they.'ll--"
"Keep still!" cried Lillian, more adept than the others at reading danger signs in Rearden's face.
His face held the remnant of a smile, and they knew that he was not seeing them any longer, but it was not in their power to know why his smile now seemed to hold pain and an almost wistful longing, or why he was looking across the room, at the niche of the farthest window.
He was seeing a finely sculptured face held composed under the lashing of his insults, he was hearing a voice that had said to him quietly, here, in this room: "It is against the sin of forgiveness that I wanted to warn you." You who had known it then, he thought ... but he did not finish the sentence in his mind, he let it end in the bitter twist of his smile, because he knew what he had been about to think: You who had known it then--forgive me.
There it was--he thought, looking at his family--the nature of their pleas for mercy, the logic of those feelings they so righteously proclaimed as non-logical-there was the simple, brutal essence of all men who speak of being able to feel without thought and of placing mercy over justice.
They had known what to fear; they had grasped and named, before he had, the only way of deliverance left open to him; they had understood the hopelessness of his industrial position, the futility of his struggle, the impossible burdens descending to crush him; they had known that in reason, in justice, in self-preservation, his only course was to drop it all and run--yet they wanted to hold him, to keep him in the sacrificial furnace, to make him let them devour the last of him in the name of mercy, forgiveness and brother-cannibal love.
"If you still want me to explain it, Mother," he said very quietly, "if you're still hoping that I won't be cruel enough to name what you're pretending not to know, then here's what's wrong with your idea of forgiveness: You regret that you've hurt me and, as your atonement for it, you ask that I offer myself to total immolation."
"Logic!" she screamed. "There you go again with your damn logic! It's pity that we need, pity, not logic!"
He rose to his feet.
"Wait! Don't go! Henry, don't abandon us! Don't sentence us to perish! Whatever we are, we're human! We want to live!"
"Why, no--" he started in quiet astonishment and ended in quiet horror, as the thought struck him fully, "I don't think you do. If you did, you would have known how to value me."
As if in silent proof and answer, Philip's face went slowly into an expression intended as a smile of amusement, yet holding nothing but fear and malice. "You won't be able to quit and run away," said Philip. "You can't run away without money."
It seemed to strike its goal; Rearden stopped short, then chuckled. "Thanks, Philip," he said.
"Uh?" Philip gave a nervous jerk of bewilderment.
"So that's the purpose of the attachment order. That's what your friends are afraid of. I knew they were getting set to spring something on me today. I didn't know that the attachment was their idea of cutting off escape." He turned incredulously to look at his mother. "And that's why you had to see me today, before the conference in New York."
"Mother didn't know it!" cried Philip, then caught himself and cried louder, "I don't know what you're talking about! I haven't said anything ! I haven't said it!" His fear now seemed to have some much less mystic and much more practical quality.
"Don't worry, you poor little louse, I won't tell them that you've told me anything. And if you were trying--"
He did not finish; he looked at the three faces before him, and a sudden smile ended his sentence, a smile of weariness, of pity, of incredulous revulsion. He was seeing the final contradiction, the grotesque absurdity at the end of the irrationalists' game: the men in Washington had hoped to hold him by prompting these three to try for the role of hostages.
"You think you're so good, don't you?" It was a sudden cry and it came from Lillian; she had leaped to her feet to bar his exit; her face was distorted, as he had seen it once before, on that morning when she had learned the name of his mistress. "You're so good! You're so proud of yourself! Well, I have something to tell you!"
She looked as if she had not believed until this moment that her game was lost. The sight of her face struck him like a last shred completing a circuit, and in sudden clarity he knew what her game had been and why she had married him.
If to c
hoose a person as the constant center of one's concern, as the focus of one's view of life, was to love--he thought--then it was true that she loved him; but if, to him, love was a celebration of one's self and of existence--then, to the self-haters and life-haters, the pursuit of destruction was the only form and equivalent of love. It was for the best of his virtues that Lillian had chosen him, for his strength, his confidence, his pride--she had chosen him as one chooses an object of love, as the symbol of man's living power, but the destruction of that power had been her goal.
He saw them as they had been at their first meeting: he, the man of violent energy and passionate ambition, the man of achievement, lighted by the flame of his success and flung into the midst of those pretentious ashes who called themselves an intellectual elite, the burned-out remnants of undigested culture, feeding on the afterglow of the minds of others, offering their denial of the mind as their only claim to distinction, and a craving to control the world as their only lust--she, the woman hanger-on of that elite, wearing their shopworn sneer as her answer to the universe, holding impotence as superiority and emptiness as virtue--he, unaware of their hatred, innocently scornful of their posturing fraud--she, seeing him as the danger to their world, as a threat, as a challenge, as a reproach.
The lust that drives others to enslave an empire, had become, in her limits, a passion for power over him. She had set out to break him, as if, unable to equal his value, she could surpass it by destroying it, as if the measure of his greatness would thus become the measure of hers, as if--he thought with a shudder--as if the vandal who smashed a statue were greater than the artist who had made it, as if the murderer who killed a child were greater than the mother who had given it birth.
He remembered her hammering derision of his work, his mills, his Metal, his success, he remembered her desire to see him drunk, just once, her attempts to push him into infidelity, her pleasure at the thought that he had fallen to the level of some sordid romance, her terror on discovering that that romance had been an attainment, not a degradation. Her line of attack, which he had found so baffling, had been constant and clear--it was his self-esteem she had sought to destroy, knowing that a man who surrenders his value is at the mercy of anyone's will; it was his moral purity she had struggled to breach, it was his confident rectitude she had wanted to shatter by means of the poison of guilt--as if, were he to collapse, his depravity would give her a right to hers.
