*
“So, you're finally admitting you've got a thing for Ryder?” Kim Swain asked, her pretty brown eyes twinkling with amusement.
“Yes,” Tess admitted as she mixed the salad in the wooden bowl, making sure to add the cherry tomatoes. “I admit it. I have feelings for Ryder. And I have for a long time.” She held up her finger and shook it at Kim. “And if you say one single word to anyone at work, I'll—”
“Hush. You know I wouldn't betray your trust like that.” Kim placed utensils down on the table, along with a napkin for each of them.
“I know you wouldn't, Kim. So far, I really don't know how he feels. Ryder keeps pushing away from anything more than friendship.”
“You didn't have to tell me a thing,” Kim said with a smirk. “I work with the two of you. I've seen the long stares and felt the tension hovering in the air. It's textbook. Romance 101.” Tess opened up the toaster oven and removed a batch of garlic knots. The heavenly scent of baked bread filled the air. Tess felt her stomach grumble in response to the savory scents filling her kitchen.
“Let's sit down,” Tess suggested as she placed the large salad bowl down in the middle of the table. She turned towards the stove and lifted the garlic knots off the baking tray and placed them on a plate.
“This looks delicious,” Kim said as she heaped a large serving of Cobb salad on her plate, along with a piece of bread. Tess poured iced tea for them both.
They both dug in, eating in companionable silence for a few moments. The kitchen windows were open, allowing the smell of salty sea air to drift inside.
“Honestly, I hope Ryder falls madly in love with you. He's gorgeous. And so generous and sweet. I can't think of anyone who doesn't love the guy. And don't get me started on that family of his.” Kim let out a chuckle. “For goodness’ sake, I want to be a Donahue.”
Tess thought she heard a “but” coming in Kim's sentence.
Kim locked gazes with Tess across the table. Her eyes were filled with concern. “Don't take this the wrong way. You know I love you. You're the biggest sweetheart in the world.” She hesitated for a moment, as if she were practicing what she wanted to say in her head. “But I remember him with Lena. That's a tough act to follow.”
Tess bit her lip. She couldn't deny the trickle of hurt Kim's words caused. It played on all her doubts. Would she ever be considered Lena's equal in Ryder's eyes? Or would he always think of his deceased wife as the love of his life?
Kim reached across the table and squeezed her hand. “Please don't hate me for saying so. I just don't want to see you play second fiddle to a memory. Ever since Lena passed away, Ryder has been closed off to even getting his big toe in the dating pond.”
“Of course I'm not mad. You're my friend. And I trust you to give it to me straight. I wouldn't have it any other way.” Tess toyed with her salad, pushing it around her plate with her fork.
“Truth is, I've wondered the same thing. Can he ever love another woman the way he loved Lena?” She shrugged her shoulders. “It's my worst fear, actually.”
Kim sighed. “I just don't want to see you get hurt.”
“Loving someone places us at risk, doesn't it? There's never a guarantee.”
“That's for sure,” Kim grumbled. “I've have more broken hearts than I care to count.”
“I think I figured something out. It's in Ryder's nature to love people. It started with his grandmother. She raised him after both his parents chose drugs over him and walked away from raising him. When he lost her he was heartbroken. But he opened his heart up again when Alec and Maggie adopted him. And he didn't just fall in love with them. He fell in love with six boys just like himself, boys who'd been through the worst this world has to offer.”
“And then Lena?” Kim asked.
“Yes. Then Lena. True love. So you see, whenever life has presented Ryder with a choice, he's chosen to love. Again and again he's put his heart out there. Even after it’s been bruised and battered.”
Kim smiled at her, showcasing a pretty, gap-toothed smile that added to her good looks. With her mocha skin and big brown eyes, she radiated joy. “He'll choose you. I mean...who wouldn't? You're stunning, and even more beautiful on the inside.”
Tess wasn't sure about Ryder choosing her. Even though it was what she wanted more than anything in the world, Ryder had always held his cards close to the vest. He seemed to want to keep her in the friend zone, no matter how far they strayed from that category. “I don't know,” she hedged. “I'm hoping. Maybe tonight he'll take that grand leap of faith with me. Maybe he'll realize that the best romances start with friendship.”
Kim raised her glass of ice tea in the air. “Here's to new beginnings. May tonight be the start of something wonderful between you and Ryder.”
Tess raised her glass in the air and clinked it with Kim's glass. “To new beginnings.” Kim winked at her. “And I'll be more than happy to be a bridesmaid in your wedding.”
*
Once Ryder picked up Tess at her place, he was beginning to recognize the mistake he'd made. By suggesting he pick up Tess, he'd made tonight appear as if it was a date. But it wasn't. Not by a long shot. Tonight was about two friends getting together for a well-deserved night at the movies. It wasn't about romance or flowers or kissing. For some reason he couldn't get his mind off the idea of kissing Tess again. Once definitely wasn't enough. Not when Tess was the woman in question.
And now, they were sitting on the far point of Breezy Beach, by Tucker's Lighthouse, watching the super Moon light up the night sky like a big fat candle. They were perched on the crest of a sand dune with a perfect view of the sky and sea. With the briny smell of the ocean permeating the air and the wind whipping through them, Ryder felt in his element. He looked out over the water, seeing nothing but pitch black darkness stretching out before him. Years ago, he imagined, the lighthouse sent signals to boats out at sea. He could imagine the lights emitted from the lighthouse cutting a swath through the inky water and illuminating the way for sailors.
“Being here is priceless,” Tess said. “No amount of money on earth could buy an experience better than this one right here.”
“It sure is something else,” Ryder said, sounding like his ten year old self. He felt like a kid again, sitting on this stretch of beach staring up at the brilliant moon. “It really does make you want to reach out and touch it.”
“When I was a kid, I remember wanting to reach out and step right on the moon. I always thought it would be a grand adventure to leave home and live on the moon.” She let out a harsh laugh. “In the end, I just left home.”
“I wanted to be an astronaut. The idea of traveling into space was irresistible to me.” The confession slipped out before he could rein it back in. It had been his secret, his dream when he was a kid. No one, not even his brothers knew about that closely guarded aspiration. It had been so pie in the sky he'd thought everyone would laugh at him for aiming so high.
“You're right where you should be. Saving lives. Inspiring people.” Tess glanced over at him, her face appearing translucent under the moon's pearly glow. “I know you motivate me to be the very best I can be, each and every day.”
Her words slammed inside him with the force of a sledgehammer. Tess had been learning and growing professionally ever since she'd started working with him. And now she was crediting him with inspiring her to be the best. Raw emotion lodged in his throat. He didn't even try to speak, because he knew he'd get choked up. He tucked his head down, trying to gain some composure. He felt Tess squeezing his hand. He looked down and saw her hand pressed up against his own. The contrast was stark. His large, masculine hand compared to her smaller, daintier one. Even though they looked so very different, they were both capable of saving lives. That had been proven over and over again on their many rescues.
“Are you alright? I know the last few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster.” Tess' voice sliced into the silence.
“I'm good,” he said, gr
atified to have Tess acknowledge all the angst his family had endured. “Dad seems to be doing great, so all our prayers were answered. And his mood seems to be better. We have lots to celebrate too. Not just Blue and Sarah's marriage, but having all my brothers back home is pretty amazing. Not sure I thought it would ever happen.”
“Something tells me the Donahues are a stronger unit when you're all together.”
He raised his fist in the air. “Donahue strong,” he said, using the family motto to emphasize his point. Tess leaned in to him, the long strands of her hair whirling around her face as the wind kicked up. He reached down and pushed the strands away from her face, earning himself a grateful smile from Tess. Their gazes locked and held. Everything quieted down in that moment. The roar of the ocean hushed. The whooshing sound of the wind as it lashed around them ceased. The chatter of the grasshoppers faded into nothingness. Tess edged ever closer to him so that their arms and shoulders were touching. He could smell the light lavender scent of her shampoo. If he reached his hands out, he could bury them in her thick mane of hair and run his fingers through the lustrous strands.
And even though he was trying to exercise restraint, all he could think about was how nice it would feel to kiss Tess for all she was worth.
“What are you afraid of? Just close your eyes tight and kiss her.” A twelve-year-old Ryder Donahue
Chapter Eight
She leaned up and pressed a kiss on Ryder's lips. At first he didn't kiss her back, forcing her to do all the work. Pressing on, she deepened the kiss, moving her lips insistently over his. He sighed against her lips, murmuring her name as he gripped the back of her head and slipped his tongue past her lips. She moved her hands across his chest, her fingers gliding over his sun-kissed skin.
Tess wanted the kiss to go on forever. If a kiss could convey love and longing, she was giving it her all, with as much tenderness and devotion as she could muster. She could feel Ryder's hands braced on the back of her head and then the sensation of his fingers as they trailed through her hair. When Ryder pulled away, he laid his forehead against her own for a few seconds, as if he didn't want to end their connection.
She leaned back, wanting to see the look in his eyes. The need to know if this kiss was something he regretted burned inside her. She didn't know what she would do if those words passed his lips tonight.
“We keep ending up here,” Ryder said with a sigh, his fingers tracing the outline of her lips. “Our lips keep finding their way back to one another.” Rather than revealing his emotions, his eyes were hooded.
“Is that such a bad thing? I like kissing you.” She was being a little bold. It was time she laid things on the line. Hadn't Sarah said as much on the day of her wedding? Fight for the man you love. So far, she'd spent far too much time sitting on the sidelines in the friend zone.
A hint of a smile twitched on his lips. “I like kissing you too, Tess. A lot.”
“But?” she asked, her heart thrumming wildly as she waited for his answer. “What's the problem? Why did you stop?”
He looked down, his face somber. “I don't want to complicate things between us. And I don't want to do anything to disrespect you, especially since things are great the way they are.”
“As friends?” Her voice sounded shaky to her own ears. She raised her fingers to her lips, feeling the tender flesh.
“And partners. Two people who work together in a professional setting. We'd be all kinds of crazy to do anything to get in the way of it.” And there it was. Ryder's point of view. His take on things. He just didn't see them walking into the sunset together. And no matter how many kisses they shared or how many times she tried to force him to see her in his romantic future, he just couldn't take that leap. Or wouldn't.
“I get it,” she said. And she did. Finally. No matter how much she'd prayed for a life with her best friend, she couldn't force him to feel the things she felt. And even though she'd hoped and wished for more, he'd never led her on. He'd never told her he had romantic feelings for her. Aside from a few kisses and a large dose of romantic tension, she'd had nothing concrete to go on. Nothing more than hope and a deep ground swell of feeling.
They sat on the dunes for another hour or so, digging their toes into the sand and enjoying the magnificent view. Ryder was quiet, contemplative. Her mind was a million miles away. Had she been holding on for far too long to this happily ever after fantasy? Perhaps she couldn't see too clearly when it came to Ryder. The deep love she felt for him blinded her to reality.
On the drive home they kept things light between them. Ryder made jokes about the dish she was preparing to make for the pot luck dinner for work. She did her best to tamp down her disappointment and to not let Ryder see how sad she felt on the inside. There was no way in the world she wanted Ryder to pity her and the feelings she had for him. It would be mortifying. The least she could do was hold her head up high.
When they arrived at her house a few lights were still blazing in the windows. It made her happy to think of Seth safely settled inside the house watching television or tooling around on the computer. She said her goodbyes to Ryder. Although normally she would invite him in to sit around and talk, she didn't quite feel up to it tonight. Being in his presence wasn't going to soothe the ache inside her. It wouldn't change a single thing.
“How was the movie?” Seth asked from his relaxed position on the couch. He was crumpled up on his side with his legs contorted. In front of him was a large, half-eaten bowl of popcorn and a few empty soda cans.
“It was fantastic,” she said, plopping her purse down on the hall table. “Full of romance and fine manners and promises of happily ever after.” Once the words came out of her mouth she wished she could take away the longing tone in her voice. Hopefully her brother hadn't noticed.
Seth sat up straight and looked at her, his eyes assessing and sharp. “Ryder's a pretty cool dude. I like him a lot. But if he can't see that you're a total catch, then he's not as smart as he seems to be.”
Tess walked over and tousled her brother's blonde mane. “You're so sweet, but—”
“I know. I know. You're just friends,” he said in a sing song voice.
She raised an eyebrow. “And you're not buying it. I get it.”
“All I'm trying to say is that you're amazing. You're incredibly easy on the eyes. You've got a great career. And you make me laugh till I want to cry. And you're kind....really, really kind.”
Hearing Seth sing her praises was an incredibly moving moment. She wasn't a person who needed praise in order to feel good about herself, but to hear her younger brother speak out on her behalf touched a tender place inside her.
“Thanks buddy. When you get older you'll realize that not everything is so black and white. Sometimes we wish for things that are out of reach. And sometimes we let our past determine our future. Promise me you'll never do that, Seth. Don't ever let the heartaches of your past stop you from pushing towards your future.”
Seth's eyes widened. “I won't. I promise. Hey, how did everything get so heavy? I was just sitting here watching this action flick...you kind of brought me down, Tess.”
Tess laughed out loud at Seth's dumbstruck expression. “I'm sorry. I just love you a lot, Seth.” She bent down and pressed a kiss on his forehead, then made her way to the staircase and her bedroom that awaited her upstairs. Once she was behind closed doors she flopped down onto her queen-sized bed and let out an exhausted groan. She pressed her eyes closed and allowed her mind to drift to earlier this evening.
She loved Ryder. And she always would. But she owed it to herself to step out on the ledge and take a chance with someone new. If she didn't, how could she ever truly let go? The truth was, she felt scared. Scared to love someone else. Scared to put Ryder out of her heart and mind. Because for as long as she'd known him she'd wanted nothing more than to love him and for him to love her in return. But, there were no guarantees with love. It promised nothing in return. And even though she'd been willing hersel
f to fall out of love with Ryder, she didn't even know if it was possible. How did you stop your heart from jumping at the sight of that special someone? How did you teach your pulse not to race whenever he was nearby? Even if it wasn't possible, she had to try to move on and make positive strives in her personal life.
Reaching for her phone she ran her fingers across the screen, searching through her contacts. Brian Tolleson. He'd given her his cell number and asked her to call him if she ever wanted to go out for dinner or a movie. Although her throat felt tight and little beads of perspiration gathered on her forehead, she knew it was time to take a tiny little baby step. It was time to step out on the ledge and live a little.
*
Ryder tightened his hands into fists as he walked away from Tess' front door. He settled himself behind the wheel and revved the engine with a hint of impatience. Although he loved spending time with Tess, tonight hadn't left him with his usual lighthearted feeling. He felt conflicted, unsettled.
Just once he wanted to be able to just go with the flow and let himself be spontaneous rather than constantly guarding his heart.
Lord knows he wasn't a saint. He was just a man. Tonight had been satisfying in so many ways. Being with Tess filled a gaping hole inside him. Whenever they were together the loneliness faded into nothing more than a memory. She was more than beautiful with her auburn hair and flashing green eyes. She gave as good as she got whenever they butted heads. A life with Tess would be spirited and fulfilling and fun. She possessed all the qualities any man would want in a wife. But she wasn't going to be his wife, his life partner. If he'd learned anything at all from losing Nana and Lena, it was that one more loss might shatter his heart into a million little pieces. And if that happened again, he wouldn't recover. Not ever.
But what if he pursued a romantic relationship with Tess and they ended up spending fifty years together in wedded bliss? What if he was going to miss out on the woman he was intended to have children with? What if all his fears were holding him back from the love of a lifetime? A part of him cringed at the thought. Was it possible after Lena? Would it be traitorous to love another woman as devotedly and passionately as he'd loved his wife?
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