“Sure you can, sweetie. Let’s go,” she tells me with a smile, and leads me out the door.
HOLDING ON
~
ELLIE
I’M RELIEVED TO SEE THAT Nik’s got a tad bit more color in his cheeks when Rachael and I make it to his room. “He didn’t show any signs of waking up while I was gone, did he?” I ask her, as I walk over to his left side again. I can see his face better from here.
“Not yet, but that’s normal. His body has been through a lot today. It needs a break. He’s not going to be a happy camper when he does wake up though. We’re gonna have to stay on top of his pain,” she tells me as she checks one of his monitors.
“Rachael?” I call softly to get her attention. When she looks up, I give her my most sincere look of apology. “I’m really sorry I lied,” I confess. “You’ve been amazing today, taking care of us both. I feel awful for not being honest with you. Things were so insane by the time the paramedics got there. They assumed I was his wife since I was with him. I still had my ring on. I couldn’t stand the thought of them taking him away, and me never knowing if he made it or not, so I went with it. For some idiotic reason, I thought saying I was his fiancé was less of a lie than pretending to be his wife. It was stupid of me.”
“It wasn’t stupid. I get it, hon, even better now that I know a few more things,” she says with understanding in her eyes. “I promise I don’t hold it against you. You just didn’t have the time to think of anything better. Hell, I’d pretend to be this gorgeous man’s anything, if I had the chance,” she laughs.
I can’t help laughing, too, but I quickly sober up. “You should have seen him earlier today, before those assholes did this to him. He took my breath away the first time I saw him. I’ve never seen a man so beautiful in my life. Wait until you see his eyes. They’re this amazing light aqua blue color, and they sparkle when he smiles.”
She smiles over at me. “I figured they’d be blue with his blonde hair.”
I go quiet for a few minutes as I stare at his face. I wanted to run away from him this morning, and now here I am, playing with his hair while he sleeps. I don’t know what in the world has come over me.
What would Josh think?
I pull back from Nik as if he burned me when that thought hits.
How can being here feel so wrong, but so right all at the same time?
“I feel so guilty. Like I’m cheating on my husband by worrying over a man who isn’t mine to worry over, and for staying when I might not be welcome,” I admit to her.
“Is it okay to ask about him? Your husband?” I nod my head, and shrug my shoulders. “How long has it been, sweetie?”
“Almost two years. It was a car wreck,” I tell her, swallowing down the lump in my throat.
“I can’t even begin to imagine how hard that must have been for you. Still must be. I’m so sorry, Ellie.”
“Thank you,” I whisper and give her one of my automatic ‘I’m being polite’ smiles. There’s no way she doesn’t see through it. I can’t help it though, there just isn’t a good way to respond to condolences. Not a truthful one, anyway.
“Honey, this may sound cliché, and I promise I don’t mean it to, but I’m sure he would want you to be happy again. Whether that’s with Nik, or someone else. No one in your life will ever replace him, but you have to let yourself live again,” she says gently.
I swallow down another lump and take a deep breath. “You sound like my therapist. She told me, I don’t know how many times, that I was walking around like I was dead, too, and that one day I had to let myself live again. I don’t know if I remember how to anymore.”
“You do, Ellie. I’ve seen that spark in your eye several times today. It’s just gonna take adding the right fuel to the mix. If you ask me, that fuel is laying right here between us.” It’s hard to miss the ‘you wait and see’ look on her face.
“I don’t know. Don’t you think it’s selfish of me insisting on staying with him when he’s not able to make that choice? I can’t decide whether I’m here more for him or myself. I should want to stay only for his sake, but I know I’m doing it for me, too. Everything about him confuses me to the point my head is spinning, and my stomach’s in knots. The thought of leaving him terrifies me, but I feel like I don’t really belong here either.” I let out an unladylike snort. “The Brawny Man out there sure as hell doesn’t want me around.”
She laughs pretty loud at that. “Oh, my God! The Brawny Man! I knew he reminded me of someone. That’s almost as good as Peacock Peterson,” she snickers.
I start to giggle, and then she does, too. Next thing you know we’ve got tears running down our faces from laughing so hard. It feels good to laugh again, it’s been way too long, but when I look back over at Nik lying so still and quiet after we’ve been making such a racket, my laughter disappears.
I carefully pick up his hand and hold it in mine. “I need you to wake up. I don’t want you to have to be in pain, but I need to know if you want me here,” I whisper to him, looking down at our hands.
I’d never thought about hands being beautiful before, but his are. Long, lean fingers with very neat nails for a man. I turn his palm up and rub across the calluses, then wander down to the soft pad of skin at the base of his thumb. Even with him sleeping I can feel, and see, how strong these hands are. I can’t help but imagine them touching and squeezing my body. It’s been so long since I was touched that way.
“Even his hands are beautiful, aren’t they?” Rachael asks, making a blush rise to my cheeks. I almost forgot she was here.
I nod and smile sheepishly, putting his hand back down. “Do you really think he’ll want me here when he wakes up?”
She walks around the bed, coming over to me, taking my hands into hers and squeezing them. “Ellie, what do you think was one of his first thoughts when he saw those robbers come in?”
“Probably what I did, ‘Oh shit!’” I try to joke.
She smirks at me, and then shakes her head. “I’m sure, but I meant after that. Can you tell me what he did after he saw them?”
I look down at my feet for a second. I know exactly what he did, I can still feel him pressed against my back. “He pushed me against the counter, and used himself to hide me,” I tell her, biting my lip. I know where she’s going with all of this, but I can’t bring myself to trust things yet.
“I thought it’d be something like that. When the bullets started flying, what did he do?”
Taking a deep breath, I let it out, but I can’t keep my lip from trembling as I think about it. “He pulled me to the floor, and covered my body with his.”
She rubs my arms in comfort. “See there. He protected you the entire time. Risked his own life to make sure you kept yours. Do you really think that when he wakes up he won’t want to know you’re safe? That he won’t need to see you with his own eyes to be sure you are? I bet the first thing out of his mouth is gonna be your name. He’ll want you here, honey,” she says with a confidence I wish I had.
It helps mine be a little stronger though. I step closer and give her a tight hug. “Thank you, Rachael, for everything. I’m going do my best to keep myself together from now on, so you don’t have to work so hard, okay?”
“I’m glad I can be any help at all, sweetie.” She squeezes me back until my stomach decides to growl louder than Brawny Man. “When’s the last time you ate anything, girl?” she asks smiling, but concerned.
“Ummm, this morning,” I squeak, feeling like a little kid in trouble.
“Well, you are not gonna do Nik any good if you don’t take care of yourself first. You tell him goodbye for now, while I go get one of his friends to come back and see him. Then you’re gonna go get some food for your skinny self,” she insists with a stern nod.
“Yes, ma’am,” I say with a smile.
She pats my arm and hurries out, so I turn back to talk to Nik. “She is one great lady. I can’t wait for you to meet her,” I tell him, smoothing his hair ba
ck then rubbing his cheek. “I hope she’s right about you wanting me to be here, too. I want you to wake up so bad. I’d love to see your eyes smiling at me again, but I’m scared. Everything about you, and how you make me feel scares me to death. I know us meeting, and what we went through today must have happened for a reason. I pray that it turns out to be a good one. I have to go, but your friends are coming to see you. Don’t let them get too mad at me, okay? Just keep resting and I’ll see you soon,” I whisper, then lean over to kiss his cheek.
When I stand up Cash is coming through the doorway, his dark and brooding stare back in place. I can see he wants to snap at me for being so familiar with his friend, but he keeps his mouth shut, surprisingly.
“You stupid motherfucker,” he growls, right as I walk past Nik’s bed. “Why would you do this for her? For anybody?” he sighs under his breath.
I stop and turn around, poking his beefy arm, giving him a dark stare of my own. “Can I speak with you in the hall for a minute?” Me and him are about to have a ‘come to Jesus meetin’, and we’re not doing it in here.
He shakes his head with a deep sigh, but follows me out. As soon as we’re out of earshot I turn and lay into him.
“He did it because he’s a good man, you big jerk,” I whisper angrily, while giving him another poke, this time in the chest. His eyes go wide with shock, but it doesn’t slow me down. “I would’ve never asked him to do this for me. Never! I know I’m not worth the pain he’s already suffered, let alone gonna be in. I tried to stop him. I begged and screamed for him to get down. I even tried to push him off me so maybe some of the bullets would hit me instead, but he wouldn’t budge. I hate that he’s in that hospital bed because of me, and I would give anything to take his place. I already explained to you why I’m here and I meant it. So, there is no way in hell I am gonna stand by, and let you insult him for doing what you obviously wouldn’t have had the balls to do yourself!”
“You listen here, missy,” he snarls, bowing up to tower over me.
“NO! You listen, buster,” I seethe, not backing down an inch. “Nik isn’t gonna need your judgmental bitching and moaning. If you can’t be supportive and helpful when you see him, I’ll get Rachael to have you thrown out so fast your head will spin. So, you better dig deep, and find a way to be the friend he needs. Me and you might get along just fine, if you do.”
He stands there and stares me down a few seconds. I can see the struggle he’s having about what to say to me in his eyes. I’d bet my ass he wants to hit me, but when his shoulders sag I know he’s finally picked a side.
“You are one sassy little bitch, you know that?”
“I wouldn’t have to be if you’d get your head outta your ass.”
He half snorts, half laughs then runs his hands through his hair before looking back at me. “I’ve been friends with Nik since kindergarten. Best friends since fourth grade. I know exactly how good of a guy he is. How big of a heart he has. I’ve been telling him for years it was going to get him in trouble, and today it finally did.” He rubs his hands down his face, and takes a few deep breaths. “When I got Scott’s message earlier, I’d never been more scared in my life. I’ve never lost anyone before, and I was so afraid he was gonna be the first. I’m furious some assholes almost killed the man I consider my brother! I’m pissed as hell that he’s hurt! That he didn’t think about himself, or what it would do to his sister and me if he’d died,” he says, sighing as he turns and leans back against the wall.
I stay quiet, giving him some time and soaking in what I’m learning about him. He’s not really an asshole, just angry and scared about what’s happened to his best friend. After a minute or two of silence he turns his head to look at me.
“I know you probably don’t believe it, but I am proud of him. Proud he stood up to those pricks, and saved a life in the process. I just wish he’d been a little smarter, and a lot more careful,” he mutters.
“I do, too,” I whisper.
He gives me a sad smile and pushes off the wall. “I’m sorry I was such a dick earlier, and that you had to hear all that shit I said about you. Like I said, I was scared and angry. I still am, but I shouldn’t have judged you so harshly before knowing the whole story.”
“It’s okay, I totally get it. I’ll try not to be a bitch anymore if you won’t,” I tease him.
He lets out a genuine laugh. “Deal.”
“Well, now that that’s settled, I’ll let you get back to him. I’m gonna go see if I can find some food around here,” I tell him as I start to make my way down the hall. When I look up I see Scott lurking in a doorway not far from us. He has my purse in his hands.
How in the hell did he get that?
Cash and I make our way to him as he smiles at us. “Um, hi! I’ve got your purse!” he says, waving it around awkwardly. He’s cute in that nervous, nerdy way.
“Hey, Scott. Thank you, but how in the world did you get it?” I ask, taking it from him when he holds it out to me. I start digging for my phone. I’m sure Vicky has tried to call me. Sure enough, when I pull it out there’s a missed call from her.
I’ll have to check in with her pretty quick or she’ll panic.
“The cops brought it in. They wanted to speak to you again, but I told them you were resting. Your truck keys are in there, too. They left it parked at the station along with Nik’s car. I thought me and Hank could go and get yours picked up, and leave it here for you. If that’s all right? We can get Nik’s later.”
“That would be great. Thank y’all so much. I had no idea how I was gonna get it back.”
“No problem at all. Rachael told me you were hungry. I can walk you down to the cafeteria if you want me to. Hank’s already headed down there.”
“Oh, yeah, sure. I definitely need to eat.” I turn to Cash, who’s been standing there listening to us. “Go visit Nik. It helps to talk to him, at least it does me. I think maybe he can hear us, I hope he can anyway. I’ll be back up as soon as I’m done eating,” I tell him.
“Yeah, okay. I’m probably gonna stay tonight, so I’ll either be with him, or trying to find somewhere to sleep in the waiting room. I’ll see y’all later.” He waves, and walks on down the hall.
“You ready?” Scott asks.
“Yep, let’s go see what kind of horrible food they’ve got.”
Ten minutes later we’re sitting down with Hank, picking at our pitiful excuses for food. It’s so late the actual cafeteria is closed, so we had to get stuff out of the machines. I’ve got some really mushy mac-and-cheese, Scott has some kind of floppy sandwich, and Hank is about halfway through his fruit-floating-in-Jell-O concoction. It’s all gross looking, but at least it’s still edible.
“So, did you get Cash to finally come around up there?” Scott asks me.
“I’ve never met a more stubborn man in my life,” Hank laughs before I have a chance to answer. “Other than Nik that is.”
“Cash is definitely opinionated, but under it all he’s worried about Nik. Like all of us are. He just has a hard time expressing it. And yes, I’m pretty sure we’re on the same page now. We both want the same thing, for Nik to get better. We’ll probably butt heads again before it’s over, but we’re good for now I think,” I tell them.
“Good,” Scott says. “I know the guy means well, but he can be really abrasive sometimes. Leia should be on her way by now. She called me while you were sleeping. I’ll pick her up late tomorrow morning. She’s gonna be hell on wheels when she finally makes it. The only way she could get here was to take four different flights with a couple of layovers. I’ve never heard such cussing in my life. My ears are still burning,” he laughs.
“What’s she like? Anything like Nik?” I ask, genuinely curious.
Scott shakes his head, his eyes wide. “No! She and Nik are polar opposites in most ways. Except for the fact that they both like women, are fiercely loyal, and have insane work ethics. Leia is a tornado and Nik’s the gentle rain that comes after it.”
/> Wow! I don’t know whether to be impressed with Scott’s descriptive opinion of them, or terrified of meeting Leia the Tornado.
“If you think Cash is hard to deal with, wait until you meet Leia,” Hank says, laughing again.
“Does she know about me?” I ask Scott.
“I didn’t have time to tell her with all the ear burning she was giving me. I will when I get her picked up tomorrow.” He pats my shoulder. “It’ll be fine, don’t worry.”
I’m not so sure I believe him, but I’ll find out soon enough.
I wash down my mac-and-cheese with some canned sweet tea–yuck–and go throw my trash away. Now that my stomach is relatively full, I can feel my exhaustion creeping up on me, but I want to see Nik one more time before I try to sleep again. Scott and Hank are on their feet, and ready to go when I turn around.
“We’re gonna go get your truck. Hank will bring it back here, then go on home. I have to get to the house, and get some work done for the school before I crash. I’ll check on Nik first thing in the morning before I go pick up Leia. Do you mind swapping numbers with me so we can keep each other updated about things?” Scott asks.
“Oh, sure, that’s a good idea. I don’t know how long my battery is gonna last, but there should be a charger in my truck I can get later.” I hand him my phone, and he works on adding numbers for a few minutes. I have to stifle a couple of yawns while I wait. Hank asks for my keys, and tells me goodnight before heading outside to wait for Scott.
“I added everyone’s so you should be all set. If he wakes up during the night please send me a text at least. I’ll check in with you in the morning either way. I hope you can get some rest,” he says, waving as he walks out.
“You, too. Goodnight.” I start the trip upstairs, hoping I remember the way. I really hate hospitals, but I suppose I better get used to this one. I’m planning on being here for a while.
Rachael lets me check on Nik when I make it to the ICU, but so far nothing’s changed with him. He’s stable and still resting well. I kiss his forehead goodnight, and head to the waiting room. I find Cash trying to squeeze his huge body onto a tiny loveseat. The poor thing looks ridiculous.
Save Me Page 4
