An image of him flashes into my mind. He’s above me and I can see every muscle and tendon of his neck and shoulders stretch and ripple as he moves on top of me in a deep, steady rhythm, his strong arms holding him up so he can look down at me. His eyes are like blue flames his stare is so intense.
Almost whimpering out loud, I turn back around, and take a few deep breaths before rinsing the sponge out. His abs are waiting on me when I face him again. Instead of a six-pack, they’re more like an eight, and instead of using the sponge, I want to rub my hands over those muscles to feel every rise and dip slide under my wet, soapy fingers.
Lord help me, I have a serious problem where this man is concerned. Just wash him, Ellie and move on, it’s not that hard.
I smooth the sponge over his washboard stomach as fast I can, quick, but gentle. Next, I run it down his side, freezing when I realize it’s time to wash below his waist. His arms and chest are one thing, I’ve seen most of them over the last several days. His slim hips, that deep V my tongue is begging me to lick, and what I now can see will be a delicious ass if I ever get a full view of it, are another story altogether. I felt pervy enough getting to this point. These parts of him, well, they should only be seen and touched by someone who loves him. Someone he loves back.
I can’t do this anymore, it’s not right.
I toss the sponge in the bowl and hurry out the door, telling Rachael I’m sorry.
Brandon and Anna wanted to fuss at me for quitting just when I was getting to the good part, but they understood my reluctance. I finally told them goodnight, and fell asleep the second I closed my eyes.
Naturally, I dreamt of Nik–naked Nik. Like his bath, it ended right before the good part. Only that time a ringing phone stopped me instead of my morals.
I knew with my luck it was probably a wrong number, but I felt around on the bed until I found the phone and pried my eyes open. It was 3:17 a.m. My heart faltered when I saw it was Leia’s number. I said a prayer to God to please let him be okay then answered.
“Hello?”
“Ellie.” I wasn’t expecting it, but I was so glad to hear him.
“Nik? What’s wrong? Are you okay? It’s not your leg, is it? Are they taking you back to surgery?”
“I’m okay, Ellie. My leg is fine, too,” he said quietly.
“Oh, thank God,” I whispered. “But, Nik, it’s three am, if everything’s okay why are you calling?”
He was quiet for several long seconds, then took a deep breath. “Leia told me I upset you, and made you leave.”
I decided right then I was going to strangle her the second I got close enough. I had no idea why in the hell would she tell him that. “No. That’s not what happened. She shouldn’t have told you that. I didn’t leave because of anything you did, I only came home to rest. She should have told you that we agreed to take turns at night staying with you while she was here. Tonight’s her night to stay and mine to come home. I promise that’s all it was,” I tried to assure him.
We had come up with that plan, but I was supposed to be with him tonight, not her. When she saw how rattled I was she had told me to go on home.
“Regardless, I yelled at you, and I jerked my arm away from you, too. I’m sorry if I hurt you or scared you in any way. I swear I didn’t mean to. I called because I needed you to know that,” he said, sounding dejected.
Leia was number one on my shit list right then.
“It’s okay, Nik. I promise. I know you didn’t mean it. We all knew the morphine was making you upset. I don’t blame you at all, okay? I know it wasn’t the real you. Why on earth would you save me, and then turn around and be mean to me? You wouldn’t. I know that’s not who you are, and I didn’t leave to stay away for good either. I’m coming back. My alarm’s set for six, so I can get back up there early.”
“Are you sure?” he asked.
“I’m very sure.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. Do you want me to go ahead and come back now? I can if you want me to,” I’d offered. I shouldn’t have, but he sounded so pitiful I couldn’t help myself.
“No, that’s okay. You need to rest. I’m sorry I woke you up. I should have waited until you got back, but I…I needed you to know.”
“Thank you. You didn’t need to apologize, but I appreciate it anyway,” I told him softly.
“Okay, I should let you get back to sleep. Goodnight, Ellie,” he said, his voice getting deeper. I figured his meds were pulling him under.
“Goodnight, Nik, I’ll see you soon,” I whispered.
“Sweet dreams,” he whispered back, then the phone went dead.
A few hours later I was at the hospital, and confronting Leia about upsetting him. She sort of took the wind out of my sails when she told me Nik woke up more than a little upset because he had dreamed about yelling at all of us. She said he remembered it clearly once he was good and awake, and after apologizing to her, he had insisted on calling me. He had been worried I was really upset and not sleeping because of it, and wanted to apologize and make sure I was okay.
As if I needed another reason for this man to endear himself to me anymore.
Thank goodness, the rest of the week has gone much smoother for all of us since then. We’ve kept it as light and happy as possible, avoiding anything that puts a damper on things. Because of that, I still haven’t told Nik my story. I catch him looking at me with concern sometimes, but he hasn’t asked me about my past. I guess we’ll wait until we get him settled at his house. It’s not set in stone yet, but it looks like I may be going with him.
It was all Cash’s idea, but he neglected to run it by me before he brought it up in front of Nik. We were talking about what he would need once he got out of here–a hospital bed, wheelchair, a home nurse and such. Then Cash opened his big mouth and said, “You’ve already got you a great nurse. Ellie can just go home with you.”
I almost panicked, and ran right then and there, but Nik turned those big, blue puppy-dog eyes on me, and I couldn’t tell him no. I sputtered out a ‘we’ll see how it goes’ while giving him my crazy Ellie smile. He hasn’t hushed about ‘us’ going home since. I haven’t quit panicking about it.
TURN THE PAGE
~
NIK
Eight days.
I’ve been stuck in this fucking bed for eight fucking days, and I think I may go insane real fucking soon.
God, I sound just like Leia.
I know eight days out of thirty-two years is nothing, but lying flat on your back, in pain and barely able to move for over a week, seems to do bad things to your brain and body. My skin is crawling, my muscles are aching, and my bones feel heavy from being trapped in this bed for so damn long. All of which is causing my mind to slip into dark, angry places. I’ve never felt such intense frustration and misery in my life.
I want to fucking move! I want out of this fucking bed! I want to fucking go home! I may scream like some spoiled rotten two-year-old if I don’t get to soon.
I have to do my best not to pitch another fit though. It upset everyone, and did nothing but make me feel guilty.
I can move my right arm and left leg a bit, that helps with maintaining my sanity, but it would feel so satisfying to rip, roar, and ravage everything in sight like some lion let loose from the zoo. I think if I could release some of this fury onto something I could relax again, maybe.
But I’ll behave, even if it kills me. All I have to do is remember Ellie’s face when I yelled at her, and it straightens me right up. It doesn’t matter that I was drugged and she forgave me. If I can help it, she’ll never have that look on her face again.
Why she stuck around after that I don’t know, I’m just glad she did. She’s gonna come home with me when I’m able to leave the hospital. She said she would be glad to pay for a live-in nurse if I would rather do that. I told her I may have been half-dead and drugged, but I remembered her promising me the second time I woke up that she would stay with me through all
of it, so I was going to hold her to that.
We decided we’ll try things at my place first since it’s a lot closer to the hospital, if and when I need to go back for therapy or anything else. It’ll be a pain in the ass with all the stairs, but we’ll make it work.
Having her and Leia around to keep my mind off things and distract me has been a godsend. We mostly watch TV, and make fun of whatever we’re watching, or they get onto some social app on their phones and show me stupid stuff to make me laugh, but not too much. I’d be drugged within an inch of my life, and strapped down to this bed if it wasn’t for them.
We haven’t talked about our pasts at all, which I have to admit bothers me, but I don’t want to upset her by bringing up her dead husband either. It’s obviously a painful subject for her. She seems relaxed as long as we discuss the present, but as soon as I ask any personal questions she gets panicky. I refuse to upset her again, so I always change the subject, and she relaxes soon after.
I know she’s twenty-seven, a widow, and grew up in Tennessee. That’s it, that’s all I know other than getting to know her personality over the last week, but even with that small amount of knowledge, I like her–a lot. Of course, going through a life or death situation with her definitely created a bond between us, but I want to know more. I want there to be more.
Actually I need more. It’s a gnawing ache that refuses to leave me alone. I’ve never felt like this about anyone before, ever. It’s unsettling and exciting all at the same time, but I’ve kept most of my feelings to myself, so I don’t scare her off. I’ve been doing my best not to let thoughts of her consume me, otherwise I might scare myself off. I can’t help but worry my feelings are because of the robbery, even if I tell myself they’re not. Because I still need mine, I’ll let her have her security blanket for now, too. I’m anxious to have her all to myself once we get home though. We’ll have plenty of time to talk, and there’ll be no hiding from each other then.
First, I have to survive and get out of this hellhole. Rachael promised me that once they remove the tube from my side, which they’re on the way to do now, I may be able to roll onto my right side some. Doing that without causing any pain to my leg will be an interesting feat, but whatever it takes, I’m ready.
She’s got to knock me out to remove the tube anyway, so she said they would turn me over once they were done, wash my back, change my sheets, and move me downstairs all while I’m in la-la land.
I’ve honestly thought about asking them to put me into a coma until this is all over. It would be a lot less painful and humiliating.
As much as I dislike it, I’m learning to handle the pain, but the humiliation is a much harder pill to swallow.
First, there was the catheter and my freak out. I may feel guilty for yelling, but I don’t feel guilty for why I was yelling. Having a tube stuck up your dick is grounds for a rebellion any day of the week in my book, but no one else seemed to care. Of course, it wasn’t their dick being violated either.
I’m not sure who took it out after Lacey put me to sleep–I’m not sure I want to know–but it was gone when I woke up several hours later. My dick is still not happy with me. It hurts like a bitch to piss now.
Next, Rachael informed me I needed a bath on Sunday. She let me choose to be awake or asleep. I told her to knock me out so I didn’t have to deal with that awkwardness. But now, I’m familiar with a couple of new humiliations.
Pissing into a plastic container that someone else is holding and shitting into a bedpan, then having your ass wiped–again by someone else–have got to be the most demeaning things I’ve ever experienced. If you’ve never had the pleasure, I can promise you one thing. It sucks!
I don’t care how much it hurts me to manage it on my own, once we leave here there is no way in hell Ellie is going to have the displeasure of wiping my ass, or holding a bucket for me to piss in.
No way in hell.
I want us to eventually get to know each other intimately, but wiping asses and catching piss? That’s way too intimate.
God bless Rachael, Lacey, and every other nurse on the planet. They’re what mama would’ve called ‘special people’. Speaking of special people, Rachael’s walking in with Ellie and Leia right behind her.
“Hey, handsome. You ready to go night-night, and get that nasty tube gone?” Rachael asks brightly.
“Ready as I’ll ever be.” I try to smile, but I know it’s a pathetic attempt.
Rachael starts pushing buttons on my pain pump as Ellie walks over to me. She does her usual and brushes my hair with her fingers while she smiles softly at me. I love when she does it, it causes an automatic reflex in me. I immediately relax, closing my eyes and enjoying her touch.
“Hey, the day will almost be over by the time you wake up. You’ll be clean, in a new bed, able to move better, and out of ICU. And you get to sleep through all of it, so that’ll be most of one day you won’t have to deal with,” she whispers.
I open my eyes and look up at her. “One day closer to us going home.”
I see tears in her eyes when she smiles at me, but I’m going under so fast I can’t do a thing about it except squeeze her hand.
~
It takes me a second to get my bearings when I wake up, but I remember I was supposed to be somewhere new, and I can tell I am. I’m on my side like Rachael promised. I still feel sore and achy, but I want to shout I’m so relieved to not be on my back anymore. I’m just going to lay here with my eyes closed, and enjoy it for a few minutes.
It sounds different in here than in the ICU. There’s less beeping inside, but more noises coming from outside the room. Lots of talking, carts being pushed, phones and buzzers going off.
Leia, Ellie, and Cash are talking quietly not too far from me. Sounds like they’re discussing how to make my house easier to get around in.
“I wish he had an elevator, that would make things so much easier for him,” Ellie says.
“It’s not exactly an elevator, but I found a place in Jacksonville that will come in and put one of those electric chairs onto the staircase so he won’t have to try to walk up and down them. It’d be as good as a real elevator without tearing the house up, too much,” Cash tells her.
“That might work if we can talk him into it,” Leia says. “He’d shit a brick if they did any damage to his woodwork though. He loves that staircase. But he’s gonna need, and want, to go upstairs at some point. I’m sure he’d sleep much better in his own bed instead of on the couch or a hospital bed downstairs. There’s nowhere for him to take a bath downstairs, either. Of course, Ellie could keep giving him sponge baths while he sleeps,” she says, teasingly.
What the hell? Ellie gave me a sponge bath? And I fucking slept through it?
It takes all of my control not to jump up and demand answers to my questions–and a very detailed play by play of said bath–but I stay as still as I can, which isn’t much of a choice in my condition. I keep my eyes closed hoping to hear more. Ellie hasn’t said a word and, Leia is laughing. I can only imagine what kind of look Ellie is giving her.
“You gave Nik a bath? Damn, he’s gonna be pissed he missed that,” Cash chuckles.
“As red as her face is, I think it’s safe to say she’s glad she didn’t miss it,” Leia snarks.
“Kiss my ass, Leia. You already know how bad I feel about it,” Ellie hisses at her.
She’s blushing and she feels guilty enough to sass my sister? I love the blushing part, but why does she feel guilty? She won’t hear me complaining about it.
“Feel bad? Why do you feel bad about it?” Cash asks her, sounding incredulous.
Thanks bro, you read my mind.
“He didn’t know I was going to help, Cash. It wasn’t right for me to do it without him knowing first. I almost feel like I raped him,” she whispers.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Ellie. You’re being ridiculous. You didn’t come close to raping him. All you did was wash him from the waist up, and you told me his monster wa
s covered the whole time anyway. Like Cash said, if he finds out, he’s gonna be pissed he slept through it,” Leia says in a bored tone.
I wouldn’t say pissed, but I’m definitely bummed. My daydream about her bathing me came true, and I fucking missed it. There’s nothing to be mad at her for either. That’s nuts. Why in the hell would I be mad about a gorgeous woman giving me a bath? Yeah, I was naked and defenseless, but who cares? Maybe I can talk her into giving me another one, only next time I’ll make sure I’m awake. I could tell her that, but it would probably embarrass the shit out of both of us if I did.
“Ellie, you have nothing to worry about. Nik isn’t going to be mad at you. I guarantee he would have given you all the permission possible if you had asked him first. He wouldn’t want you to be upset about it either,” Cash reassures her.
He’s got my back today.
“Maybe not, but can we please change the subject now?” Ellie grumbles.
“All right, how about we talk about the fact you haven’t told him everything yet?” Leia says.
“Damnit, Leia, will you get the hell off my back today?” Ellie hisses again. “I told you I’m waiting until it’s only the two of us, and he’s feeling better. He’s had the shittiest week ever and I don’t mean to make it worse by giving him something else to worry about. Can’t you see how down he’s getting? How much being stuck in that bed is driving him crazy? He’s sad, and on edge enough already, I’m not gonna dump my sob story in his lap for him to deal with, too. He doesn’t need that right now. I promise I’ll tell him when the time is right,” she finishes quietly.
“But that’s it, Ellie, the time will never be right. What if something happens? Maybe he’ll even say something to trigger it. You’ll wind up having an attack in front of him sooner or later. What are you going to do then? If he knows before he has to see you that way, he’ll be able to stay calm, and help you. He’d want to help you, just like you’re helping him,” Leia tells her.
Save Me Page 12
