Her husband wrapped her in a hug, resting his cheek against the top of her head, continuing to walk beside her. “He’s in trouble, Sam. I have no idea where he’s been when he’s not at school. He’s missed so much class, and now he’s failed or skipped every one of his midterm exams. He might not graduate sixth grade without summer school if we don’t get him back on track. We have to talk with him. But I…” Brian was holding on to her as desperately as when they’d been kissing. And it felt just as good, just as right, regardless of the circumstances. “I don’t know what to say to him. I haven’t for months. I’ve messed this all up. I told myself I could handle it, and that you’d be back soon and everything would go back to normal, and now it’s out of control. Please, Sam. Come home with me, at least for this afternoon. We need to talk with Cade together, before things get any worse.”
Chapter Eleven
Cade walked into his house with Joshua bouncing along beside him, the same way his little brother always did. Because for Joshie, nothing was wrong that Mom’s cooking and one of Dad’s okay thumbs-up and a new box of LEGOs couldn’t fix. His little brother had chattered all the way home on the bus, while Cade had been too scared to say a word.
He’d been scared of coming home. He’d been scared the whole time he’d stayed at school. He was still mad at himself and Nate and his parents and now his brother.
All day at school he’d thought Nate might come back to class, but he hadn’t. Then Cade had felt sick about what his parents had heard him say in the closet, only they hadn’t heard everything yet. All day, he’d thought they’d come get him. Or that his mom would be waiting when he and Joshua got home, to pester him with more questions he didn’t want to answer.
Only he and his brother had had to let themselves inside using the keypad on the garage door. All the other doors had been locked still, the way Dad left them every morning. No one else was home. There were no snacks laid out when they got to the kitchen.
Mom had always been there in the afternoon, the same as before the shooting. She’d always ask about school and homework, even though Cade was a pain these days and mostly ignored her. Today he’d thought she’d be there for sure, after she’d said she wanted to help him, and not just Nate.
“This is just weird.” His little brother dropped his backpack in the middle of the kitchen and pulled himself up on an island stool. “Weirder than no breakfast. What’s going on?”
Cade dumped his stuff in the same spot as his brother and trudged to the pantry. He pulled out the first two boxes he found and held them up.
“Cheez Doodles or Fruit Roll-Ups?” he asked.
“I want a grilled cheese. Mom’s grilled cheese and tomato soup.”
“Cheez Doodles it is.” Cade slapped the box on the counter in front of Joshua. He headed to the cabinet for glasses, and then the refrigerator for milk.
He could still feel his mom next to him in the closet, and her leg resting against his. He could still picture her looking worried for Nate in the conference room with Mrs. Turner, and looking worried for Cade when she’d glanced over at him and he hadn’t let her know he was watching her.
Joshua ripped open his box of snacks. The kid drank the milk Cade put in front of him, too, without saying anything else. And his chatterbox little brother always had something to say.
Cade dove into the chewy fruit things, leaning against the counter by the sink instead of sitting with Joshua. He didn’t want anything to eat, but that would make his brother ask even more questions. Cade wanted to hide in his room, but Joshua would just bang on his door, wanting to know what was wrong. And then their dad would get home, and that was when the real questions would start.
Or maybe not. And that would be even worse. Because after today Cade didn’t want to hide what had happened with Troy anymore, but maybe no one really cared. Maybe no one would come and find him, the way he’d followed Nate into the closet so Nate wouldn’t feel alone when he was feeling so bad. And the way Mom had followed them both in there, and then Dad had followed her to school. Maybe no one wanted to follow Cade after hearing what he’d done, no matter what Mom had said about it not being his fault. Was that why he’d gotten away with everything so far, even the things his parents didn’t know about yet?
“Did something happen at school today?” Joshua asked through a mouthful of fake cheese.
“No.”
“Then why are you acting so weird?”
“I’m not.”
“You’re being nice to me, and you’re never nice to me after school. Are you in trouble or something?”
“No.”
“Are too. What did you do? Because you know I’m going to find out. Everyone can hear everything in this house. Why do you think Mom and Dad never fight when we’re here? Did you do something bad? Is that why Mom hasn’t been here all day today?”
“God! No, you little brat.”
Cade snatched the Cheez Doodles away from his brother and pulled a fistful out of the box. He shoved them into his mouth.
“Then why do you sound like you’re going to cry?” Joshua licked orange dust off his fingers.
Which almost did make Cade cry, because he really wished his mom were there to tell Joshie to use a napkin. Or to tell Cade he’d messed up big-time with Troy, and that he should have ratted on the kid when he’d had the chance. And, no matter what she’d said at school, that it was all his fault Bubba was dead and that Nate had been shot and that everything was so messed up now, because he should have told them everything sooner, while someone still cared. Only he hadn’t, and now everything was ruined. Even his family.
A Cheez Doodle caught in his throat, along with all the things he couldn’t say to his brother and wished he’d said to his mom and dad that morning. His stomach burned, twisted, pushed to his throat. He tossed the box into the sink and raced for the downstairs bathroom, barely making it before he hurled.
His snack, his lunch, his breakfast, every awful feeling he’d been feeling about himself and his friends and his mom and dad… It all came up, until he was hanging over the toilet, his hands on his knees, trying to breathe and to make it stop. When it finally did, he flushed and washed his hands. He rinsed out his mouth and told himself he couldn’t hide there in the stinky bathroom for the rest of the day.
Joshua at least would come find him eventually. In fact, why hadn’t he already? Cade walked back to the kitchen to see what was up, telling himself he wasn’t going to let whatever came out of his brother’s mouth next mess with him. But when he got there, Joshua was already talking—to Nate.
Cade’s friend was sitting at the island with Cade’s kid brother, as if it were no big deal that Nate hadn’t been over since he’d gotten shot.
“What are you doing here?” Cade asked from the hallway.
Joshua stopped talking.
He and Nate looked at Cade.
“My mom said I could come over for a few minutes if I wanted to,” Nate said. “I told her your mom would be here.”
“Well, she’s not.” Cade was angry again, even though he was glad to see his friend. He was still feeling sick. He should have stayed in the bathroom. “So I guess you should go back home, before you get into trouble.”
Nate got off his stool.
Joshua stared at both of them.
“I know I’ve been pretty lame.” Nate dug his hands into his jeans pockets, making Cade realize he’d done the same thing. “I’ve been pretty pissed about everything. But I…”
Nate’s voice was getting that way again—like in the closet. Like he felt the way Cade felt when he cried at night and no one else could hear.
“I haven’t been pissed at you,” Nate said. “I don’t blame you for what Troy did.”
“Yeah, right.” Then why had he ignored Cade ever since the shooting, when Cade hadn’t been able to talk to anyone else about anything, and he’d needed his friend? Even when he’d cut class and camped outside Nate’s house half the day, only to walk back to school to catch the bus home with Jo
shua… He’d known there was no getting Nate’s friendship back, but he’d needed to be close to his friend anyway. “Whatever. It’s not like I care.”
Nate stopped looking like he was going to cry and started looking like he wanted to beat on someone.
“You said you cared this morning,” he said. “But you’re just weaseling out now, is that it? ’Cause that’s what you’re best at.”
“Like you’re best at forgetting who your friends are?” Cade glared at his little brother, who’d gotten off his stool, too, and was headed Cade’s way.
The kid stopped between him and Nate.
“What’s wrong?” Joshie asked.
“Everything.” Cade was tired of answering questions that weren’t important, when no one was asking the right ones.
“I didn’t forget you or anyone else,” Nate said. “I just couldn’t talk about it.”
“Who can?”
Cade’s mom and dad never talked about what was really bothering them. And Cade hadn’t talked to them before today about the shooting. But Nate was different. Cade had really thought he and Nate would be different.
“I’ve tried,” his friend said in his crying voice again.
“You mean like you tried to open your window every night I came over the first week you were home from the hospital, and your parents weren’t letting you see anyone? What about all the other nights, when I was stupid enough to keep trying? When I was thinking you blamed me for everything and never wanted to talk to me again, because you never called or texted or said anything to me? Not even on the bus this morning. Not even in class. Like we didn’t know each other anymore. Like we’d never been friends at all.”
Joshua was tugging on Cade’s arm. Cade realized he was walking toward Nate, his fists not in his pockets anymore. His baby brother was trying to keep him from taking a swing at his best friend.
“But you’ve been talking to my mom about everything?” he said. “You didn’t even talk to me today in the closet. You sat there, staring like a dork until my mom showed up. You didn’t want me, your best friend. You wanted her. She’s the reason you’re here now, right? She’s the one you finally showed up here to talk to.”
“Stop yelling at me, man.” Nate had stepped closer, too. They were nose to nose.
“Then stop being such a girl and just say it. You blame me. It’s all my fault you got shot.”
“I didn’t say that. Stop saying that. I just—”
“Chicken shit,” Cade spit at him. “You’re too chicken to say it. You still blame me. You’ll always blame me.”
“You’re the chicken shit!”
Nate’s fist came up fast. Pain exploded on the side of Cade’s face, and then he was swinging, too, making contact on his friend’s body somewhere hard enough to make his hand hurt worse than his face.
Both of them went down, still throwing punches, rolling around on the wood floor. And the whole time, Joshua was dragging at Cade’s arm and then Nate’s and then Cade’s again, yelling, “Stop it!” over and over, while Cade couldn’t stop yelling himself.
“Say it!” he kept saying. “Say it was all my fault, and you’re the hero. Say I got you and Bubba shot. Say I should have stopped Troy after we left the bathroom. Say it. Say it, you chicken shit!”
Cade was crying now. And so were Nate and Joshua. And none of it was making the hurt inside better. Nothing was making it go away—the sound in Cade’s head of Troy firing his dad’s stupid gun, and the squeaking sound Bubba had made when he’d looked down at the blood all over his T-shirt, just before he’d fallen to the lunchroom floor.
“Say it!” Cade screamed. “Say it and make it stop…”
Stronger hands than his little brother’s clamped onto Cade’s arm and pulled him to his feet, away from Nate.
“What the hell is going on?” his dad demanded.
Cade’s mom stood behind him, her hand over her mouth.
Sam and Brian had let themselves into the kitchen from the backyard, expecting to find their boys doing their homework at the island like they did every day after school. Or at worst, they’d be lounging on the sofa in the family room watching cartoons because Sam was late.
Instead, she and her husband had walked in on bedlam, with Cade shouting things at Nate that broke her heart all over again for the ways she and Brian hadn’t been able to reach him since the shooting.
“Enough!” Brian shouted, while he tried to keep the still-struggling boys away from each other.
“Mom!” Joshua raced to her and wrapped his arms around her in a hug she never wanted to let go of.
“What happened?” she asked. And what was Nate doing there, when he should be home with Beverly?
“Nothing,” the older boys said in unison.
She looked down at her youngest, who glanced at Cade, who was glowering at Nate.
“Nothing.” Joshie hugged her tighter.
Brian sighed and turned Nate loose. “I think you should be getting home. Does your mother even know you’re here?”
Nate nodded his head. There was a swelling bruise on his cheek, and he looked for all the world as if he wanted Cade to keep pounding on him.
Sam’s son looked just as bad. Beaten up. Guilty. Sick. Cade looked sick, his complexion ashen the way it sometimes got when he had the stomach flu. He watched his friend turn to go.
“Nate,” he said in a watery voice, as Nate reached for the back door.
Nate didn’t answer, but he stopped and waited.
Everyone in the kitchen waited, Sam and Brian and Joshua, hoping that these two could find their way back to being friends again.
“I really am sorry,” her son said, fingering his own cheek and then his fat lip.
His friend nodded. Then Nate left, slamming the door and leaving a shell-shocked kitchen in his wake.
“Mom?” Joshua asked. “Why’s everyone acting so weird?”
Sam looked down and forced herself not to mutter the first reassuring excuse that came to mind. She knelt and took Joshua’s face between her hands. Brian held on to Cade’s arm to keep him from bolting.
“Because we’re having a tough time right now,” she said to Joshua. “Aren’t we? It’s been hard ever since the shooting. And no one’s been dealing with things well around here. That has to stop, so things like this won’t happen anymore.”
Joshua nodded. There were a thousand questions swirling in his eyes, but he hugged her again instead of asking them, making her so grateful to Brian for getting her back here, when she’d been half planning to wait until morning to face Cade, once this crazy day was a memory and maybe she wouldn’t feel so out of control.
“I’m sorry it’s been so hard,” she said to everyone, checking to see whether Cade was listening. He wasn’t looking at her, but his shoulders rose and fell on a sigh that spoke volumes. “We need to start dealing with a lot of things, don’t we? About what’s going on with me. And you boys. All of us. We need to talk until we figure things out as a family. No one is in this alone—no matter what we’re feeling. We need to trust that. We need to trust each other.”
Trust could be the hardest thing in the world to get back, once you’d let it go. Even with family. Especially with family.
Joshua nodded again. When Brian let go of Cade’s arm, their son stayed where he was instead of making a break for his room or outside.
“Could you head upstairs?” she asked Joshua. “Start on your homework. One of us will be there in a bit to check on you. But we need some time with Cade first.”
Joshua looked at his brother until Cade looked back. Something strong and unspoken passed between them, these two guys who often fought more than they played. But they always made up, and they were always there for each other, making Sam so proud in the midst of so many regrets.
Cade nodded.
Joshie grabbed his backpack and trudged up the kitchen stairs toward his room, casting a lingering look over his shoulder.
“I want to do my homework, too,” Cade sa
id.
“You mean you actually went to class today, after your mom and I left the school?” Brian sounded frustrated, and very, very worried.
Of course, frustrated was all their son picked up on.
“What do you care!” Cade shouted at his father. He sneered at Sam, but there wasn’t much meanness behind it. He sounded more lost than angry. “What do either of you care?”
He made a dash for the door Nate had escaped through.
“Not so fast.” Sam blocked his path. “I let you get away from me at school, because I didn’t want to embarrass you in front of everyone and you needed a break. But we’re home now, and we’re going to talk.”
“Home?” He slouched against the kitchen cabinet. “Like you’re staying? That kind of home? You weren’t here for breakfast. You weren’t here to help us with homework when we got off of the bus. You weren’t here after saying how much you wanted to help me at school. Since when is this your home anymore?”
“Don’t talk to your mother that way.” Brian pointed a finger at the stool closest to them. “Sit down and have a little respect while we try to figure some of this out.”
Sulking, Cade trudged around the kitchen’s island and sat. Sam took the stool beside him. Brian stood on the other side of the island and leaned both hands against the counter.
“Your mother wasn’t here this afternoon because she and I have been talking,” he hedged. His quick glance acknowledged that she might very well still be at Julia’s, hiding from the world, if he hadn’t all but dragged her away. “And her being here every time you turn around, to make breakfast and after-school snacks and to check up on the homework you’ve been lying to us about doing, is not all that makes her a part of this family. You know that, Cade. You know how much she means to all of us, and how hard it’s been around here with her gone…” Brian cleared his throat, looking down and spreading his hands on the counter before reclaiming his son’s attention. “I think you owe her an apology before we go any further.”
Sam inhaled to say that no apology was necessary. But her husband’s next glare was for her. She narrowed her eyes at him, but she kept her silence. Cade was too absorbed in his own misery to catch the exchange.
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