by Joanna Blake
And wasn't that a kick in the pants?
So there it was. Just like that. A new world order that included an exgirlfriend who could twist me into knots and a baby. But I had no fucking idea what to do about any of it. Now I was at my favorite watering hole, surrounded by firemen, cops and the regular drunks and barflies.
And I pretty much qualified as one of them now.
"Come on Drew, you are quiet, even for you."
I gave Lowe a look that clearly said I did not want to talk. Not that I was one to keep secrets but in this case, I really had nothing to share. What the fuck was I supposed to say anyway?
Oh yeah, well the love of my life disappeared for months to have our baby in secret. I didn't know if she was alive or she hated me or what so I slowly cut her out of my heart. Now I feel like I'm being fucking ripped apart because I still want her back.
Yeah, that was not the usual guy talk around here. We didn't talk about our feelings. Except when it came to our fallen brothers.
That was just about it.
Mostly at the firehouse, it was all ball-busting and comparing conquests. Because if there's one thing we were all guaranteed, it was getting laid. Firemen were kings in this town and I'd never failed to take advantage of it. Having long hair and a motorcycle didn't hurt either. Women offered, and I accepted. I wasn't rude but I didn't get involved. I was in and out. Literally.
Not until her.
The instant I'd seen her on that stage, from that first night on, I'd been smitten. Thunderstruck. I'd stopped noticing other women. I'd been way too head over heels with Kennedy to even look.
And after she'd left... well, I'd been too gutted to do anything but drink and take insane risks on the job. Fighting fires was the only damn time I felt alive since she left without a word.
If she'd only told me... but she hadn't. And it didn't matter now. I'd gone from the biggest stud in Windsor to a damn monk.
A monk with a death wish.
Even the Chief had noticed, pulling me aside to tell me to ease up.
He didn't want to lose another guy.
I'd done as he asked at that point, knowing how many guys he'd lost in 2001. And more over the years. Most recently my cousin Kyle.
That was three years ago, just after I'd become a full fledged firefighter. It was, and would always be, one of the worst days of my life. Worse than when my dad left. Worse than when my mom passed.
Because somehow, I knew Kyle's death was my fault.
I'd been on the job with him and always wondered if he'd been distracted by looking out for me. Kyle knew I was green and I was pretty sure he'd promised my older sister Janine not to let me get killed.
I'd never shake that day. He'd grabbed me just before the floor went out from under me that day. We'd both teetered on the edge of a gaping hole full of fire and smoke. If Kyle hadn't pulled me back, I would have been in the basement under a mountain of burning wood. Just like that.
But I wasn't.
It wasn't much later when the stairs collapsed underneath him. He'd been helping the last of the guys get out. The other guys made it. Kyle didn't.
He was a hero, sure. But that didn't mean I didn't just... miss the fuck out of him.
We'd been lucky since then. No one else from our company had bit it in three years. It was a dangerous job. You knew that when you signed up. But it still hurt.
Hell, it hurt more because I knew he'd died trying to save someone else. It wasn't even a choice for him. He was that damn brave. It was even worse knowing that half the time it was me he was trying to save. I wished I could tell him not to bother. I was no good to anyone anymore.
Not without him.
Not without her.
I cursed as her face floated through my mind for the hundredth time today. Her huge eyes swimming with tears when I'd asked her if the kid was mine and acting like I didn't give a flying fuck. It might make me cold hearted but I wasn't fooled. She'd run out on me, no matter what her reasons were.
I might be a bastard but she was a bitch.
Maybe we were meant for each other after all.
Kennedy
That JERK!
No. Not just a jerk. Drew was a- a monster! A cruel, vicious, way too gorgeous for his own good asshole!
I pushed the mop down harder, nearly breaking the head off. Jamie's apartment had been a little dusty when I moved in. Well, more than a little dusty.
It had been a bona fide disaster.
Jamie was the sort of girl who had perfectly placed, cool artsy design throw pillows on her couch. Decor that looked like it was in a design magazine, that she'd got second hand and fixed up herself. The mid-century couch had a waxed wood frame and cushions she'd made herself in a wild assortment of patterns that somehow worked perfectly together.
And about a million dust bunnies hiding underneath it.
I shook my head. You couldn't do that with a baby around. Kyle was crawling now and he might eat those dust bunnies, made up from lord knows what.
So... yeah. I was cleaning. And I was imagining Drew's smug face as the dirt.
This place was getting hella clean as a result.
"Easy there."
I looked up to see Jamie holding the baby. He must have woken up. Whoops. Hmmm, maybe I was banging around a little too much.
"I didn't hear him crying."
She smiled at me as the baby yanked on one of her brightly colored braids. Kyle cooed up at her. He adored his cousin Jamie. But I wasn't sure if it was because she was always so colorful or because he could sense her big heart.
Or because he was pooping.
"He wasn't. He was just laying there, staring at the ceiling with a big grin on his face."
I shook my head. For some reason, I'd been blessed with a placid child. He rarely cried and was extremely regular in his sleeping and eating habits.
He was such a sweet, good boy. I loved him so much it hurt. Like an actual ache that I got in my belly.
I handed Jamie the mop and took Kyle in my arms. The moment I had him cradled against me, the tears started to fall. The baby smell did it. It had nothing to do with the fact that his daddy was a big ole jerk.
A big ole jerk I still wanted to make out with.
"Uh oh."
Jamie took my elbow and guided me back into the living room. I sat on the couch, crying all over my baby. Thankfully, Kyle didn't seem to mind that his mother was a sappy mess.
Like I said, he was a good baby.
I pressed a kiss into his neck and the sobs came harder. This beautiful boy was Drew's baby too. But he didn't seem to care about that.
He didn't care about me.
"What's wrong, Neddy?"
"I told him."
"Whoa. No shit?"
I gave her a look. I didn't like cursing around the baby. But she just stuck her tongue out at me.
"You talked to Drew and you didn't tell me?"
I shrugged.
"It was earlier this morning. And I- I wasn't ready to talk about it. I'm not sure if I am now."
"Uh uh. Fuh- I mean, eff that. Spill."
I laughed at Jamie's lame attempt not to curse. I took a deep breath and adjusted Kyle on my lap. He cooed happily. He really was the sweetest child.
"He walked by this morning. You were sleeping and Kyle was still down so I- I ran after him."
Jamie nodded.
"Drew walks by here all the time."
"He does?"
She nodded.
"I think he was hoping I would tell him where you went. He asked me you know. About a hundred times. In the beginning."
I did know. And that made everything worse. Because I had told her not to tell him.
Everything my brothers said had been too fresh. Drew was a manwhore. They'd seen him with other girls. He'd played me. And now, I was branded a sinner by my church and my family for all eternity because of it.
But maybe I messed up. Maybe Drew would have been there for me. Or not. He certainly wasn't interest
ed in me anymore.
If he'd loved me, he wouldn't blame me would he?
"Well, he hates me. He basically told me he did."
"Hate is kind of a strong word. Did he really say that?"
"Not exactly. But trust me... He was really mad. And he- he didn't really care when I told him about the baby."
"I don't believe that. He comes from a big family. He's not the sort to cut and run."
I flinched. That hurt. Because I was the one who had cut and run. Even if I'd had my reasons. I was an idiot. I just didn't want Kyle to grow up without a relationship with his father because of me.
"Maybe. But he said he wasn't even sure the kid was his."
Jamie's jaw dropped.
"You're joking. He actually said that?"
I nodded. The tears had dried up but my eyes were starting to water again. I brushed them away angrily. I had other things to worry about other than Drew.
"Yeah. So that's that."
Jamie started laughing.
"That is definitely not that. Don't you see? He's not over you. He's jealous."
"What? No he isn't."
"Oh hell's yes he is."
"Whatever Jamie. It doesn't matter. My brothers were right anyway."
"Those idiots wouldn't know love if it bopped them over the head."
"What does love have to do with it?"
"Drew was in love with you. And I think he still is."
I shook my head vehemently.
"If he ever was, he definitely is not now. Maybe I messed everything up."
"Maybe. Maybe not."
I gave her a look. She was cooking something up, that was for sure.
"I would love to see you guys back together. Especially if he's as smitten as I think he is."
"He is not smitten! I told you, he was... real sweet to me back then. But he's like a different guy. He hates me."
"Hate is the flip side of love."
"Jamie, please. I need to find a job. I have Kyle to worry about. And I can't mooch off of you forever."
She held up her hands.
"Fine. We'll figure the Drew situation out later. First, we need to find you a job."
I sighed in relief. Until she got that sly look on her face again.
"Maybe something close to the firehouse."
"Uh uh Jamie. No way. I want to stay as far away from him as possible."
"Okay okay. But they do have an opening at the cafe."
I chewed my lip. The cafe was less than two blocks from the firehouse. But it was a great place to work. The lunch crowd was great and weekends were even better. They even had organic eggs and seven-grain toast for the yuppie crowd that had started moving into the area.
"I guess it's not too close. I'll go in tomorrow."
She smiled at me.
"I'll call Janine. I've got an in with the manager."
"Drew's sister Janine?"
She nodded.
"Don't worry. She thinks all her brother's are idiots."
I smiled for the first time all day.
"Well, at least we have that in common."
Chapter Five
Drew
I pulled the water bottle out where it pressed against my stomach and chugged. I was covered in sweat, even though it was cool out. My t-shirt was soaked through.
It was good though. I needed to sweat.
Hell, I needed to atone.
I'd tied on another epic bender last night. I'd basically been drunk every night this week. And now I was going to sweat it out. It was time to get my shit together.
Seeing Kennedy had sent me on a downward spiral.
Worse than the one I'd already been on.
I drank every damn night now. Drank until I could blot out her face. Blot out everything she'd said. Blot out how I'd felt the instant I laid eyes on her.
Except it didn't really work. I couldn't forget. Not until I passed out completely.
My chest had felt like it cracked open that day she'd shown up in Windsor. I'd been so fucking happy to see her it almost hurt. Actually, it did hurt.
It hurt a fucking lot.
Even now, I was aware that she was nearby. I had this feeling. Like a Kennedy radar. I was as jumpy as a cat. All week I'd been thrumming, expecting to see her around every corner.
Not expect to. Hoping to.
And hating myself for it.
That's where the butt loads of booze had come in.
But enough was enough. I needed to snap out of it. I had to figure out what the fuck to do.
And more than that, I needed to end my self-imposed exile from the land of women. There was only one little issue with that. I hadn't wanted anyone else while she was gone and I still didn't.
I just wanted her.
So, that gave me a limited number of options. I could get drunk and take what came my way. No thanks. Or I could try the direct approach: bang sweet little Kennedy out of my system.
Forever.
That idea sounded mighty fine to me right about now.
It seemed like she wanted to talk. It wasn't just about the kid either. She still liked me. Wanted me, at the very least. No matter what she'd done, or who she'd done it with, she still had the bug.
I knew, because I recognized the look in her eyes. I had it too.
I slowed my pace from an all out run to a light jog and then a walk. I tugged my earbuds out, finishing my water bottle and chucking it into a waste can. I pulled my soaking wet t-shirt off.
And froze.
I was standing just ten feet from a playground. And the object of my affections was in there. Kennedy. I'd spotted her cousin's brightly colored hair first. The girl looked like a parrot.
She was impossible to miss.
So was Kennedy.
How many girls looked like a porcelain doll? Of course, from the neck down she looked like a very different kind of doll. The grown up kind. The ones you blew up and did dirty things to.
My mouth went dry as I looked her over. She wore a close fitting denim jacket and tight jeans. Not too tight though. She was never trashy.
She was just... beautiful.
Perfect really.
Her long dark hair was pushed back from her face with a headband, leaving her flawless skin and huge eyes on display. I could see the top of her breasts where they filled out her t-shirt. Her cute little feet were in beat up old tennis shoes.
The same ones she used to wear around the hood.
It was like nothing had changed.
Well, except little Kennedy had filled out a little. The baby might have something to do with it. For some reason, it made me want her more.
There was a little bit more of her to ravage.
I cursed, realizing I'd been standing there transfixed. She hadn't spotted me yet, thank God. I looked around and realized the path I was on was dark and shadowy. She couldn't see me.
So I could take my time and look at her all I wanted.
And I wanted to look a lot.
She stood and bent forward, giving me a nice view of that perfectly squeezable bottom of hers. Oh yeah, she'd filled out some and it only made her more tempting. I wanted to grab her hips and yank her against me.
I wanted to-
She sat back down and I saw what she'd been doing.
The kid was awake in the stroller, smiling up at her. He was so little and perfect. I took a step back, suddenly panicked. It was just a baby. Just a tiny, little baby.
Why did seeing him hit me like a ton of bricks?
I took another step backwards, having trouble pulling my eyes away. I glanced at Kennedy again. She was smiling at the kid, but she looked sad.
She looked lost.
Just like me.
I started running blindly down the path and out of the park, barely noticing where I was going. I ran past her cousin's place and cursed when I realized what I'd done. I veered south towards our house. I felt like I had to hurry. I had to distract myself.
I had to get numb.
; I jumped in the shower and rinsed off like the hounds of hell were at the door.
I was in hurry to get to the bar.
I had a whole hell of a lot to forget tonight.
Kennedy
"You."
A long, manicured finger was pointing at me. I froze like a deer in headlights, staring at the bubble gum pink tip.
"You broke my brother's heart."
I exhaled sharply, trying to keep my composure. This job interview was not going well. I was about to thank her for her time when Janine smiled at me and winked.
"Of course, the little bastard probably deserved it."
I laughed and shook my head.
"He didn't actually do anything wrong."
She cocked her head at me. She looked so much like him it hurt to look at her. But Janine was offering me a job.
At least I hoped she was.
And anyway, she was an aunt now.
"So why did you take off?"
"It's easier if I show you..."
I pulled out my phone.
"This is Kyle. Your nephew."
"You're shitting me!"
She squealed and grabbed the phone.
"He's gorgeous! When can I meet him? He looks just like my idiot brother. Has Drew met him yet?"
I shook my head.
"No. He doesn't want to."
Her face got sympathetic and I frowned.
"It doesn't matter. I got this. I just- well, I need a job. And... I would love him to know... as many of his relatives as possible. My family isn't going to... be involved."
"They didn't like their baby sister getting knocked up, eh?"
I laughed again.
"That's the understatement of the century."
She gave me a hard look.
"Listen, just because I'm his aunt I'm not going to just drop everything and babysit every time you ask."
"What?"
She grinned at me, handing the phone back.
"Only once or twice a week. Or more if you really need me to. Oooo! I can't wait to meet my adorable little nephew. And you have the job."
"I do?"
She nodded and pulled me into a hug. I laughed and hugged her back. Things had taken an abrupt turn from desperate to hopeful. I could work here and take a class or two at Brooklyn College. It would take a while but I could get a degree. Work hard. Save up.
