by Joanna Blake
Or the floor.
"Kids, set the table."
Little Johnny and Susan started dutifully accepting napkins and silverwear from my sister. Kennedy offered to help but was shushed and forced to sit. She shrugged at me and sat down in the window seat.
It hit me all at once. Like a load of bricks.
The scene was so domestic.
It was so real.
It was so right.
This could be what our Sunday nights looked like, forever. Except next year, little Kyle might be trying to help the big kids set the dining room table. And he might have a little brother or sister bouncing in someone's arms.
I stared at Kennedy's belly, wondering.
She caught my eye and shook her head, blushing. She knew what I was looking at. What I was thinking.
But she was smiling. Even after everything she'd been through, everything I'd done, I could make her smile.
She must love me as much as I loved her.
I loved her.
I fucking loved her dammit.
I stood up so fast I knocked the chair over. I handed the baby to Jack and practically ran out of the room. I needed air. I needed to think.
I needed to stop being such a love sick fool.
She'd left me. She could do it again. I didn't think I could handle it a second time.
I knew I couldn't.
"Hello loverboy..."
I jerked my head up. Laney and Dave were grinning at me. Dave was holding a bottle of whiskey with a bow. Paul stood there with his girlfriend Jessica, a shit-eating grin on his face.
I hugged Laney, pressing a kiss on her cheek. Dave was batting his lashes at me. He was having way too much fun with the whole 'Drew settling down' thing. I'd been hearing about it all week.
And they had no idea how close I was to actually doing it.
Paul and Jess hugged me.
"What's up Big Daddy?"
"Asshole."
But I was smiling as I followed them back into the house. Kennedy was in the kitchen, supervising while Susie took a turn holding the baby. I stared at them, realizing I would do anything for her.
Anything to keep her.
I must have had my mouth open because Janine gently reached out and lifted my chin.
"Dinner time, Stud Muffin."
Kennedy
I couldn't stop smiling. It had been so long since I'd been surrounded by family. I knew it wasn't my family, but it was Kyle's family now. And some of that warmth spilled over onto me.
I felt myself soaking it up like a cat in the sun on a cold Winter's day.
Kyle cooed from the highchair where he sat between Drew and I. Drew kept touching him, rubbing his head and kissing his cheek. He kept touching me too. Casual touches, like pulling out a chair for me. Or making sure our hands touched when he passed the potatoes.
It felt... amazing.
It felt like I'd come home.
Home...
Home had never been a happy place for me. All I'd done was work to keep the place up since my mother couldn't. I could hardly remember a time when someone else had set the table.
Or cooked. Or cleaned up. Or hugged me for that matter.
Affection wasn't exactly free flowing in my house growing up. Not like Drew's family. They slapped each other's backs and pinched and squeezed each other constantly.
I hadn't had any of that. Other than Jamie of course. Jamie and her mom Selene. They'd always made me feel loved. It had been like a vacation every time I visited them at their place. But they had left when I was in high school. Jamie had moved back after two years of college, determined to make it in New York as a artist. Or a musician. Or a writer. I smiled. She always had a passionate all consuming life goal.
With Jamie, it depended on the week.
But my own parents... my brothers... it had never been easy. Dad had died when I was just a little girl, and my mom had gotten sick not long after. They had loved each other. I knew that.
Enough so that she never recovered from losing him.
I felt myself staring at Drew. Would I recover from losing him? I had forced myself not to think about him all those months. I'd focused on the baby. On building a wall of ice around my heart.
I knew I wasn't the only one in his life and that had hurt.
But now... I thought I could forgive him for it. As long as that was in the past. I didn't know if he could be a one woman guy, but if he at least tried...
I'd just ask him. I would tell him he had hurt me by running with other girls. Maybe he would forgive me for leaving then.
The doorbell rang and my thoughts scattered.
"Someone's at the door."
Dave went to open it. A second later I heard a familiar voice. Drew cursed and stood up, giving me a hard look.
"Stay here, Neddy."
I didn't listen. I followed him to the front of the house. I had a terrible feeling in my stomach. All nervous and wrong somehow.
I could see a pale face standing on the front stoop.
Daniel was outside.
Chapter Eighteen
Drew
I cursed when I saw who was at the door. I looked over my shoulder and cursed again when I saw who was behind me. Kennedy's beautiful eyes were wide as she stared at her brother. I shook my head at her before she could speak.
"No. I talk to him alone first."
I gave Daniel a hard look.
"Outside."
I waited until Daniel was off the porch and on the sidewalk before I followed him out. I glanced back to look at Kennedy. She was pale, her face a white oval of hurt and sadness.
Her asshole brothers had hurt her. Really fucking hurt her.
I wasn't going to stand for it dammit.
This was not going to happen again. Ever. Not on my watch.
I crossed my arms and practically growled at him.
"What do you want?"
"I want to see my sister."
I dropped my arms, and cracked my knuckles.
"You gave up that right when you kicked a young, pregnant girl out on the street."
He had the good grace to look ashamed.
"I knew she was okay. I checked in on her with Aunt Selene. I knew where she was the whole time."
He gave me a challenging look.
"Did you?"
I just stared at him. Even if he had a point I wasn't going to concede it. Finally he looked away.
"I want to talk to her. And I... I want to meet my nephew."
I stepped closer to him until our chests were touching.
"You don't have a nephew."
He just waited. I didn't step back. Neither did he.
"I came to warn you. Both of you. My brothers- they aren't just going to drop this. They won't be satisfied with a few punches. You know that."
I nodded. I did know that. I'd been expecting a beat down for a long time now.
But they'd have to catch me alone if they wanted to win.
"They aren't going to play fair. They-"
"Danny?"
I closed my eyes. Kennedy was on the porch behind us. Her arms were wrapped around her tightly.
"Hi Ken. I wanted to- talk to you. And meet the kid."
She nodded tentatively at him.
"Come inside."
"No. He's not setting foot in my sister's house."
She looked at me sadly. Then she nodded.
"Okay, Drew. We can go to Jamie's. Just wait and I'll get my stuff Daniel."
I cursed and ran my hand through my hair.
"No. Fuck. Just- Just do it here."
I gave her brother a hard look.
"I'm definitely not leaving you alone with him."
Her brother looked at me like I'd just called him a puppy killer.
"I'm not going to hurt her for Christ's sake!"
I smiled grimly.
"Yeah. I know."
Kennedy
Daniel looked thinner than I remembered him. Gaunt. I wondered if he was sick.
Letting me leave.
Making me.
I walked inside and sat down on the couch to wait. And while I waited, I remembered.
**********
"I love you Kennedy."
He'd grabbed my head, staring deeply into my eyes. Drew's handsome face was contorted, his brow furrowed. He always looked like that when he told me how he felt about me.
"I fucking love you."
And then he'd kissed me. We'd spent the entire afternoon in bed together, our bodies entwined. He was my first lover, but we'd more than made up for lost time since the night I'd won him at auction. It had only been six weeks but he'd given me quite an education since we'd been together.
Together.
That's what we were. And it was going to stick. He told me he wanted forever. Every time he was deep inside me, his muscles straining with effort. He was such a big, beautiful man. The one I'd dreamed about since I was barely a teen. Drew was the best looking guy in our high school, just a few years above me. The best looking guy in Windsor Terrace.
Maybe the best looking guy ever. All the girls thought so. He was dreamy with a capital D.
But that wasn't what I liked about him. He had something else. Charisma maybe.
It was impossible not to notice him.
I'd never imagined he might want me back.
But he had.
All of those awkward growing up years, when I'd been so lonely. He'd noticed me. The quiet, nerdy girl who never spoke up, never even raised her hand in class. He'd wanted me. He told me that just a few days ago. I'd melted into his arms.
Kind of like I always did.
I smiled to myself as I ran down the street towards my house. I snuck in through the back door, hoping to get upstairs and cleaned up before I started dinner. Growing up with our mother as an invalid, I was in charge of all the cooking and cleaning in our house. I had been since I was twelve years old. And now she was gone too. Just like pop. And the housework was all on me.
My three brothers were useless.
But I didn't care. I had plans to make. For the future.
Our future.
Tomorrow I would tell Drew about the baby. We would get married. We could stay in the neighborhood and grow old together.
He said he wanted forever.
Well, so did I.
"Look what the cat dragged in."
I stopped short as I raced through the house. My brothers were in the dining room. All three of them. Daniel ran his hands through his hair, looking miserable. My other two brothers just stood there, with faces made of stone.
"It's our little sister. The neighborhood tramp."
The world seemed to stop. I exhaled, realizing I had been holding my breath. My eldest brother Mark- why was he talking like that? Then I saw it.
I thought I'd hidden it. I thought I was smarter than they were. But apparently, I was not.
My prenatal vitamins were on the dining room table.
"You're a Goddamn whore! Barely out of high school and already knocked up!"
Mark stood up and grabbed my arms. He shook me and the tears started. But I was too shocked to say a word.
"Who is it? Who did this to you?"
Michael and Mark were glaring at me but Danny looked torn. He was always the quiet one. The kind one, in comparison. But when he looked at me, I knew he was going to betray me before he even opened his mouth.
"I know. I saw them together."
"Danny, no!"
But he told them anyway. He told them about Drew. Their fury was immediate.
"You let that piece of garbage touch you? He's fucked half of Brooklyn you little fool!"
Michael's face was full of scorn as he stared at me.
"You probably have a venereal disease now too. Not that you don't deserve it."
Mark shoved me away from him like he couldn't bear to touch me anymore. Or look at me. I leaned against the wall, barely able to stand.
I was sobbing as they told me I was not a part of the family anymore. That I was not welcome in this house, and never would be again. That our parents were likely rolling over in their graves. That I should take myself and my devil baby right to hell. They said we were doomed to purgatory- both of us.
They even quoted scripture.
Then Mark smiled at me coldly and said one last thing.
The thing that finally broke my heart. It had been cracked already, by their words. It must have been fragile already because what he told me shattered it.
"I've seen him with other girls you know. Lots of them. Just the other night. You're one of many."
I stared at the bag in Danny's hands. Of course he'd taken the time to pack for me. The other two would have kicked me out without a change of clothes.
Danny pressed some money into my hand when the other two weren't looking.
But I barely noticed.
Just the other night.
One of many.
Other girls.
Lots of them.
I was sobbing as I walked out of our front door for the last time. But not because of my brothers. Because I'd been so stupid. Because I'd fallen in love with Drew and he'd played me in the worst possible way.
I had no one. Nothing. Just a handful of prenatal vitamins and some crumpled up twenty dollar bills. Just that, and the new life inside me.
The innocent life, that I vowed I would protect. From the ugly words my brothers had spewed at me. From the judgment of others for being born to an unwed mother. From cold and hunger and anything the world threw our way.
But for now, I just needed to get somewhere safe and warm.
I ran to the only place I could. To the only person who'd ever helped me, who never forgot my birthday, or that I was a motherless girl who needed advice. My cool aunt, whose daughter Jamie was my only friend.
My mother's younger sister, free-spirited and divorced and living all the way out on Long Island in an artists' community.
My last chance.
Aunt Selene.
Chapter Nineteen
Drew
Kennedy looked so small sitting there in my sister's living room. I wanted to protect her. To shield her from the ugliness of the world.
I stared at her, making sure she was ready. I caught her eye and she nodded to my silent question. Only then did I hold the door open. Daniel stepped in and I let the door swing shut. The sound was so... final.
I leaned against the wall and waited. I was ready to grab his ass at a moment's notice and kick him to the curb. More than ready.
I was eager to do it.
Kennedy exhaled and folded her delicate hands in her lap.
"Okay. Talk."
He sat down and started talking. About being sorry. About what her brothers were up to. I was watching her, wanting to protect her. I had to admit, he did sound sorry. I almost softened my attitude towards him. Until he said Kyle's name.
"What?"
I was staring at Daniel, ready to throttle him.
"I said if they have to use Kyle, they will."
"Use him? What the fuck are you talking about?"
"They want to punish you. If they need to use the kid to provoke you, they will."
Kennedy stood up. Her face was stone cold. I'd never seen her like that before.
"What do you mean use him?"
He shook his head.
"I don't know. Upset the kid. Or grab him or something. I couldn't just sit back and..."
He held his hands in the air.
"I love you Kennedy. I never meant-"
I laughed bitterly.
"You say that now. Now that she has backup."
He stepped forward.
"I mean it. Kennedy..."
But she was looking at me.
"I... have backup?"
The hopeful look on her face nearly tore me in two. I realized in a flash how lonely she must have been all those years. Not just this past year. Her wh
ole life.
No wonder she'd run. She probably didn't trust anyone. I couldn't really blame her for not trusting me.
But I wasn't going to let her down. Not again. Not ever.
I nodded sharply.
"Yes. You do."
The smile she gave me was small. Tentative. And so sweet it made my insides ache.
She turned back to Daniel.
"I assume you don't want to cause trouble."
"No Neddy. I just want- I just wish everything could go back to the way it was."
"It can't Daniel. And to be honest, I wasn't all that happy back then either."
He nodded.
"I know. I want to- to help. Any way I can."
She nodded as if she'd come to a decision. We both were watching as she stood up, unsure what the verdict was. Then she smiled.
"So, I guess you want to meet your nephew."
An hour later we'd all had dessert and Daniel was on his way back home. Kennedy had held her shit together in a way that impressed me. After everything she'd been through, the girl was tougher than she looked.
I watched her as she picked up the baby and expertly changed his diaper. That's when it hit me. She wasn't a girl anymore.
She was a woman.
She was a mother.
I swallowed and forced myself to look away. I'd been staring. When Kennedy was around, I always stared. But maybe for the first time, I was really seeing her.
And I really, really liked what I saw.
She was strong. Loving. She was more than a good person. She was an amazing person.
And I wasn't just talking about her bodacious set of tatas.
The instant she reached for her coat, I was by her side. I didn't have to be looking at her to be aware of her every damn movement. I just knew.
She gave me a startled look as I eased her coat over her shoulders.
"Let me walk you back to Jamie's."
I didn't say 'home.' Because I didn't think either one of us had found our home yet.
But maybe we could find it.
Together.
Kennedy
