Sounds of Yesterday

by Pacheco, Briana

  It’s been a long time since I felt comfortable with someone. I rarely let people in. My first boyfriend at age fifteen is kind of to blame for me being so closed off. We waited eight months before I decided to have sex with him. I was terrified but curious. He thought we could see other people during that time. I lost my virginity to a douchebag. It kind of hurts one's spirit when you thought they loved you but find out they ‘loved’ other people at the same time.

  Love. I don’t think anyone knows what love is until you experience life (and have more than one chest hair). I didn’t love Josh. I was just in love with the idea of someone wanting me, I guess. Though he never wanted me to begin with.

  I shake my head, clearing away those mundane thoughts. I don’t want to think of Josh and his stupid face with his stupid cow-licking thing he did that he thought was sexy. Who finds licking your lips like a cow attractive? If I knew he did that, I would have never dated him. I would have never let him in.

  It’s not easy to find a good person. Everyone wears masks, they lie, and then they leave. They don’t care about what that does to the person they abandon.

  It hurts. So, so much.

  The cold winter air hits my face and my body shivers on instinct. My jeans are wet from the snow, my nose is starting to get runny, and my scarf is floating away to the next town over. I can’t believe the wind took my favorite scarf. It was cute seeing Alex run after it but then it got stuck in a tree. He tried to climb it.

  I’m still scarfless.

  I hear his footsteps slowly creeping up behind me, crunching snow underneath his boots. I pretend I don’t hear a thing, walking toward the swing sitting a few feet away from me and plop down on it. It’s not wet so why not? I smile from ear to ear as I hear him coming closer. I know he won’t do it. He won't pick up a handful of snow and squeeze it against his palms until it’s firm. He thought he hurt my leg with the previous throw. He didn’t. I just faked it because I missed his touch on my very cold skin and I wanted a little break from this game.

  I close my eyes and wait for his hands to grab my sides, tickle me until I can’t breathe and then stop. His lips will land on my neck next. It’s what I’ve been dying for right now.

  I don’t hear him walking anymore so I hold my breath and wait.

  His soft breaths fill the silence as he stands behind me.

  My heart prepares for the scare.

  One, two, three.

  Warm hands grip my sides in a soft squeeze and I giggle because I can’t help it. I feel his warmth through my thick sweater and my body heats up slowly–completely happy.

  “How did you hear me? I was quiet.”

  I look over my shoulder and smile at the guy beaming down at me. Guy not boy. He’s not a boy. Everyone in high school is gangly and awkward. Muscles not yet defined unless they play sports. Alex isn’t like them.

  Alex is so damn beautiful it hurts to look at him some days. It isn’t just his looks that attract me to him. Sure, I love looking at him, who wouldn’t? He has a body built for sports and a face made for modeling but he also has a brain that can drive any smart girl insane.

  He’s sweet and shy and nothing like the boys I know from around here.

  Alex Sawyer is magical. And right now, he’s mine.

  “I know you.” It’s all I say and his smile reaches his eyes. I love when he does that. You can't fake eye smiles. There’s a lightness about them that put the stars in a dark sky to shame.

  I was never prepared for how much Alex trusted me. Being the new guy never hurt his chances of making friends, mostly for the wrong reason but everyone accepted him or ignored him if they wanted. No one really stayed around long enough to ask him questions. No one wanted to know who he is. He’s so full of life and knowledge of the world around us. I wanted to know more. I needed to know more.

  “My mom wants you to have dinner with us tonight.” Alex steps around the swing until he’s standing in front of me, in-between my legs. He finds my hands and brings them to his mouth, blowing heat on them. “Your hands are freezing.” He gives me a pointed look and I roll my eyes playfully. I left my mittens in his car. We don’t need mittens for this game.

  I’m a New Englander through and through. The cold doesn’t faze me unless there’s a blizzard and I have to shovel out Mom’s car with my brother, Declan.

  I never want to see more than a foot of snow in my life again.

  “I have my own personal hand warmer. Why wear mittens?” Alex presses his lips against my palms and the butterflies in my stomach flutter double-time. The feelings I have for him amaze me each day. He’s doing something to me and I don’t want it to stop.

  I take a deep breath and wiggle my fingers to get the blood flowing. “Yes to dinner,” I say, standing up while looking over his shoulder. I see something bright moving toward us so I have him in the right position. “After attacking your mother’s brownies last week, I want more.”

  “I made the brownies.” Alex cocks a brow at me. I stand on my tip-toes and press my cold lips against his warm ones. I’d have kissed him longer but we have a game to play. Soph and I…we’re really sneaky and know how to distract our guys.

  “I know and I can’t admit that because then I’ll make you make them everyday.” He uses the boxed brownie mix but somehow ends up making them the best brownies I’ve ever had.

  His sister, McKenna ate half the batch he made on Thanksgiving, which resulted in a semi-pissed off girlfriend (me), leaving the baker (Alex) to make more. His dad had to keep watch on us because we were eating the raw batter instead of pouring it into a pan. Not healthy or recommended to do, FYI.

  I kiss Alex quickly one last time and take a step back. “Sorry.” Not really.

  He scrunches his brows then I hear the impact of the snowball hitting the back of his head. His grey beanie will be soaked but he won’t mind.

  Sophie comes out of hiding and laughs so hard, she bends over holding her stomach, her body shaking uncontrollably. Her blonde locks are wet and she refuses to cover her hair up so she won’t get sick. I’m sometimes the mom around her. She can get a bit crazy.

  I blow air kisses at Alex then I run when I see Zach run across the snow filled park toward me, a snowball ready in his hands.

  It’s boys against girls, and us girls will not lose.

  Whichever team ends up soaked and shivering, loses.

  So far, it’s leaning toward the guys. They don’t want to accidently hit us in the face, and they keep stopping to make sure we’re not hurt.

  Soph and I said they have to grow some balls.

  “You’re lucky I like you so damn much!” Alex yells, bending down to gather up some snow. “And you know what? I think I’ll bake some brownies tonight. Just. For. Myself.”

  I stop dead in my tracks and glare at him from fifty feet away. He did not say that!

  “Dude, where are you hiding your vagina?” Zach yells behind me, his arm dropping to his side, empty. It’s too late! I get hit square in the back with the snowball. “Em, you could possibly be dating a chick.”

  I look back at Zach and say, “You should make brownies. Sophie would reward you.” His eyes grow wide in thought and I chuckle. They have plenty of sex already but bring food to the girl and she’s super grateful. We’re alike in that way.

  I turn back to Alex. “That was so mean. I can’t believe you said that.” I did nothing to deserve no brownies. How can he be so cruel?

  He smirks at me as he throws his arm back and releases the little white ball of fluff. It hits me right in the chest. I double over, groaning in pain. That’s what he gets.

  “Shit. Em, are you okay?!”

  My dark hair is used as a curtain to block out the guys while I grab snow and try my hardest to form a firm snowball. It keeps breaking in my hands, making a small, deformed looking thing.

  “Em?” I see Alex’s boots stop beside me. As his hand stops on my back, I wait for him to bend over. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think it’d be that hard.”


  I should feel bad about my plan. Buuuut I’m not.

  I groan once more for good measure then stand, lifting up the back of his jacket and sweater, letting the flat snowball fall down his back as he straightens. The sounds coming out of his mouth as the ice melts is priceless.

  “Sucker!”

  Chapter 6

  “Babe, you want more?” Sophie throws her arm around my shoulder and pulls me into her side tightly. A bottle of vodka is swinging in her free hand. She smells like alcohol and weed, clearly not needing more of either but she looks so happy, I’m not even going to bring her mood down by taking it from her.

  “I’m good. I’m tired.” I push past somebody blocking our way in Zach’s kitchen and head into the hallway. I just want to rest. My feet are killing me and my head feels like it’s going to explode. It’s cold out and the only warm place is the living room. I’m so grateful for my jeans and sweater. Soph suggested I wear heels. I’m regretting it now.

  Zach’s parents are out of town tonight and since my birthday is tomorrow, he thought it’d be perfect for a party with some people from school. I hate the people from our school. I’ll much rather spend my birthday with my friends and family. Most of the lacrosse team is here and since Zach never threw a party, they talk a lot of shit about it. He had to have a party before the year was over. Peer pressure sucks.

  Soph and I stumble into the living room, kicking our heels off as we plop down onto the sofa. It’s so comfy I don’t think I’ll ever get up.

  People dance in front of us, some even giving us a private show of what they’re doing with their partners.

  I grab the vodka bottle from Soph’s hands and bring it to my lips. After letting some burn my throat, I hand it back to her and rest my head on her shoulder. I grab the necklace my grandmother gave me before she past and I slide the blue rose hanging on it back and forth on the chain. We’re all past drunk but the party will end soon because there’s no more alcohol except for this bottle. Almost all the food is gone, and Zach and Alex are in charge of kicking people out when they start to whine. Our guys told us to sit back and wait until the house is cleared.

  “Hey.” I lift my head up slowly and look over my shoulder. Alex is leaning against the back of the couch, his eyes glassy. He’s moving too fast for me, actually, I don’t think he’s moving at all. The room needs to stop spinning. “We’re gonna crash here tonight, okay?” He wipes his eyes and leans in to peck my lips. “I can’t drive like this.”

  I nod and pull him in for a longer kiss before he has to find Zach again. “Come back soon!”

  He hugs me quickly and kisses my head before going back to the kitchen.

  I hug my arms around myself and smile. I love his hugs. He’s so warm and strong. He squeezes me just right, shooting electric currents throughout my body.

  Out of nowhere, Soph drops her head on my legs and stretches her legs out. “You’re my best friend. Do you know that?” She looks at me with red-rimmed eyes. I nod and she giggles. “You’re so sweet. And a bitch. But I love it. I love you. I wish…I wish we were sisters.”

  Cynthia Smith, the most liked person in school, who happens to be the biggest bitch known to mankind, walks into the living room. I will her to go away. She’s the reason my life sucks at school.

  “I love you so muuuuuuch.” Sophie reaches out her hand and pokes my cheek.

  “Fucking lesbians.” I glare at Cynthia as she walks by with her purse in her hand. I don’t know why she even came if she knew I was going to be here. She’s my biggest fan, and by biggest fan, I mean she’d cheer on my killer if I were ever going to get murdered. She hates me that much.

  Her dark eyes look black as they glare back at me.

  “Fuck off.” I usually just ignore her but being in a house full of people smoking has started to affect me. And my blood boils whenever a word leaves Cynthia’s plump just-punched-in-the-mouth lips. Everything about her is over the top and I’m sick of being picked on by her.

  “Dance off!” someone shouts. “Just Dance, yo! Come on, party is over anyways.”

  People start shuffling into the living room as someone sets up Zach’s Wii.

  They’re supposed to leave.

  “I have to pee.” I nudge Soph off my legs and stand up slowly.

  It’s going to be loud and suffocating in here. I need some space to breathe.

  I grab Sophie’s heels and make sure she doesn’t close her eyes. “Sit up. Zach will be in here any minute.” She groans but latches onto the armrest of the couch and looks up at the ceiling. Just as I said, Zach walks into the living room, rolling his eyes when he puts it together that no one is leaving just yet. “Stay.”

  Zach jumps onto the couch and wraps Sophie in his arms.

  “Alex is coming,” Zach says, reaching out for my wrist. “Help him kick people out. Please!” He tries to give me puppy-dog eyes but it comes off like a squint. The dude is past buzzed. We promised not to get shit-faced.

  “Pee first.”

  He gives me a thumbs up and lets my hand fall to my side. I bump into people as I make my way out of this mess. When I get to the stairs, I almost fall backwards but I hold onto the banister with all my strength. The secondhand smoke filling the house has officially gotten to me.

  I drop Sophie’s heels into Zach’s room and throw mine on the floor besides hers. The bathroom is across the hall but it feels like miles away. The lights are off on the second floor so no one comes up here.

  When I reach the bathroom, I lock the door behind me and drag myself to the toilet. Once my business is done and I wash my hands, I throw water on my face. It’s cold and does nothing. I feel like running a marathon but feeling too slushish to do a damn thing.

  There’s a knock on the door when I turn off the water. I pretend no one is in here and keep quiet as I pat my face dry with a hand towel. Too bad the person can see the light from underneath the door but they can think someone just left it on.

  There’s another knock. “Emily? I saw you come in. Are you okay?”

  I know that voice but I can’t remember who it belongs too. It has to be one of Zach’s buddies from the lacrosse team. We’ve spent a lot of time hanging around each other since sophomore year. I’ll usually sit back and let everyone do whatever they want but Sophie pulls me into conversations when it gets awkward. Which is often.

  “I’m fine.” Not so much but I can stand so that’s a good thing.

  There’s a pause before he asks, “Are you going to come out?”

  I stare at the blurry figure in the mirror like she can give me an answer.

  “No…I’m going to stay here for a bit.”

  It’s so weird having a conversation from behind a door but I really don’t feel like going back downstairs. The neighbors will probably be annoyed with the noise soon so before they call the cops, we need to clear the house. If I take up residence in the only bathroom, well, maybe people will get the hint.

  The lock on the knob clicks.

  Ohmygod. I forgot about the damn key in the lock. The James’ leave the key in just in case someone gets locked in for some reason. And well, Sophie is over a lot and Zach’s parents don’t want them banging in the bathroom. Even though everyone is already eighteen, besides me, we still live with our parents and their rules can’t be broken.

  The door opens slowly and a dark head full of hair pops in.

  “What are you doing? I could be…” I rush to the door and try to close it but my hands don’t reach the door. They land on cotton. A t-shirt. A hard chest.

  I blink repeatedly and step back when the person steps forward. The shouting and music from downstairs penetrates the silent air up here. Slowly, the person starts looking more like a person. I see dark jeans and a white shirt. Broad shoulders. Brown eyes. Two heads. Could be one, I’m not entirety certain.

  I squint then start to push him back so he can leave.

  “It’s Pierce.” Okay. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

  I nod like
a bobble head and wave my hand at him in a shooing motion. “It’s just really…loud. Can you please go?” I close my eyes and rub them with the palms of my hand. I hear the door click close and sigh in relief. When I drop my hands, I refocus on the bright room. My breath catches when I see Pierce walking towards me. “Pierce, seriously. Go downstairs.”

  Why is he still here?

  I bring a foot in front of the other and try to walk past him now but the room still spins, making me dizzy. Hopefully, he’ll get the message and follow me.

  “Bathroom is off limits. Everyone has to lea–”

  A strong hand lands on my arm and jerks me back. It takes a while for me to understand that I’m being pushed against the sink counter. It takes even longer to register the hands gripping my hips roughly while lips collide with mine.

  “Stop!” I try to shove him back but he doesn’t move.

  I hear my heart beating loudly. I hear Pierce’s hard breathing, causing me to panic even more. He presses his body into me and says something I can’t make out. I shove and shove and shove but my hands are useless against this wall of a person.

  The room spins and Pierce’s lips are moving, speaking to me but I can’t hear him. Everything becomes blurry and the feeling of hands on me, roaming down my body, touching places his hands shouldn’t touch, paralyzes me.

  Everything around me just stops and I’m immobile.

  “Stop!”

  He’s touching me and he can’t do that.

  He can’t fucking touch me like this!

  “Pierce, fucking stop!”

  I shove harder on his chest but it’s pointless.

  I’m trapped.

  My jeans are ripped down.

  “No!”

  My head pounds.

  The room continues to spin.

  I cry out.

  I try to scream.

  Nothing comes out.