Sounds of Yesterday

by Pacheco, Briana

  “Em, you’re walking too fast! We agreed we’d walk with you,” Sophie whines. “And you need to meet–”

  I adjust my purse on my shoulder and look back over my shoulder. The toothy grin I blind them with has them concerned. “You guys came here thinking I’d need constant attention. I got this.” I even showed Soph my mace bottle hiding in my purse when she was shocked I was going to walk to class by myself this morning. I’ve planned for this day since I moved here.

  No one is going to make me feel scared or on edge.

  No one will take this day from me.

  “Bye!”

  I do something I never thought I’d do in my life.

  I run to class.

  Willingly.

  Stopping outside of the Frost School of Music building on campus minutes later, I stand outside, admiring the view. Trees are everywhere, the colors of the sky and the buildings are stunning, and Lake Osceola mirrors it all, surrounding us on this side while city life happens behind this building. Students are walking in different directions, some laughing with groups of people, others alone, looking around them.

  This place is too beautiful.

  It’s magical.

  I don’t understand how this is real.

  I continue walking toward the Volpe building, still in awe.

  “Freshman, huh?” a guy asks stepping in front of me, blocking my view. He’s tall with dark hair and if the sun wasn’t currently blinding me, I’d be able to see more physical traits. Damn trees aren’t helping me right now. “Once you’re around for awhile, everything looks familiar.” He smiles as he holds out his hand to me. “You’re Alex’s girl, Emily?”

  I look around me, confused. How does this guy know me and how does he know I’m Alex’s girl? Was. Was Alex’s girl.

  “Right. Sorry.” He drops his hand and shakes his head slightly. “I’m Tyler. Alex’s roomie. My buddy Liam and I were about to introduce ourselves when you decided to run off.” He steps forward, blocking the sun from blinding me. His dark eyes stare mine down as he smiles again. “We’re both music majors.”

  A second later, a guy who looks like Tyler walks up to us and offers me a toothy smile.

  “Hey.” This must be Liam.

  Both of them are wearing t-shirts with sunglasses hanging down the middle of them, and shorts.

  I look between the two guys, completely speechless. I’ve lost all manners, I can’t even say hey back. My brain is currently trying to understand why these two guys are talking to me. I think I remember Alex talking about them. Those names seem familiar.

  “Why is she staring at me like that?” Liam whispers to Tyler, eyeing me with wide eyes.

  They’re both silent for a second.

  This is officially awkward.

  “You’re Alex’s roomies?” I finally ask. They nod. “Did he tell you two to spy on me?” It wouldn’t be something new. Alex gets a little obsessive if he doesn’t know what’s going on with someone. After the rape, he used my neighbor Ben to spy on me because I wouldn’t talk to anyone. Ben has a dog. I love animals so he found his in.

  “I’m going to assume Alex never talked about us,” Liam answers. “What a dick. The three of us where friends back in California.” Yes! I knew it!

  He looks behind me and motions for us to start walking.

  Class is about to start, I nod and follow them.

  “He mentioned you’re a music major so we thought, what the hell, let’s meet this chick.” Tyler walks backwards as we walk down the open space of the Volpe building. Trees surround us now, shading the area. “We have the same first class so it was Alex’s idea to introduce ourselves. That way, you can say you at least know someone.”

  “That’s all he said?” He didn’t tell them to spy on me, keep other guys away, or keep themselves away from me? I’m surprised. And happy. Alex knows I hate being in a place full of strangers. He found a way to make me feel somewhat at ease.

  “Yup.” Liam stops at a door a few steps later and holds it open. “Welcome, new friend.”

  A smile creeps onto my lips and I step into the classroom. “Thank you.”

  I find a seat on the third row so I take it. Tyler and Liam sit in the row in front of me, spotting two chicks down the aisle. They get all macho, winking and puffing out their chests.

  I grab my phone and text Alex.

  Me: I made new friends! lol Thank you for the Tyler and Liam surprise.

  Alex: You don’t have to say it. I already know. I’m the best! ;)

  Me: In your dreams! :P

  Alex: At least you know!!

  I roll my eyes, smiling, as I put my phone away. I take a deep breath and watch other students walk into class. I don’t feel the anxiety I’d feel the first day of school in high school. I was always nervous about who’d be in my class, who’d sit next to me, and if I’d end the day crying on Sophie’s shoulder because I’m not normal. I don’t like talking to people. I don’t like having people judge me for not being like them. Music plays on repeat in my head and I’m always somewhere else, mentally. I try to pick apart the piece, rearranging notes, until it seems right. I can’t handle doing that and keeping conversations going. At the end of the day, I just want to go home and play something, soothe the negative thoughts, and be happy.

  The sound of a door closing brings my attention to the front of the class. A tall, dark haired man wearing black slacks and a pale yellow button down shirt walks toward the small podium sitting in the middle. He sets his things down, organizing everything, then looks up.

  Beautiful blue eyes land on mine before they dance around the room, getting a glimpse of all his new students.

  My heart stops as I take in the person standing before me. He’s older, rougher than I remember. Life must have shit on him after all these years. Good. He deserves it.

  “Welcome to music theory l. I’m Professor Cohen. This is my first year at the U so take it easy on me, yeah?” He chuckles when the class does, and leans on the podium. He tells us about this class and how we’ll break up into smaller groups on Friday.

  I sit open mouthed the whole time he speaks.

  “Let’s start off with something about you before we get to work.”

  He points to Liam, his eyes passing over me briefly. My insides land somewhere on the floor when I realize he doesn’t know who I am.

  God hates me. He really does.

  I can’t withdraw from this class. This is the only one! Mondays and Wednesdays are sure going to be harder for me.

  Liam sits up and bites on a pen before speaking. “I’m Liam. I play drums. Um, music is my life and I want to teach it some day so Music Education seemed like my calling.”

  “Last name, Liam?” Cohen asks, looking down at something, most likely a piece of paper.

  “Ryan, sir.”

  Cohen nods and looks around the room again. His eyes land on mine and he smiles. He freaking smiles. It’s so welcoming. It’s wrong. That smile shouldn’t be on his face. “You.”

  My eyes drop to my desk as my skin heats up. Please God, why?

  I curl my hand into a fist and take a deep breath.

  When I look up, Tyler is looking back at me with a ‘what’s wrong’ look on his face. It could also be a new-chick-is-psycho look. I don’t know him to know what faces he makes.

  I open my mouth to say something but the words are trapped. I hate this feeling. I hate not being able to speak.

  “Don’t be shy,” Cohen encourages me, standing up straighter.

  I’m not shy! I’m…I’m…kind of hurt that he doesn’t see it. He doesn’t see me.

  He doesn’t remember me. I don’t know if I should be offended or glad.

  I finally speak up. I voice the words that have haunted me since I was a child. The day he walked out eleven years ago was the day I promised myself I could do this. I was good. “I’m double majoring in Music Education and Music Therapy because I love music and I want to help people, but I’m also doing this to prove to my father t
hat he was wrong. I am good.” I lock eyes on Cohen. “I’m better than he ever will be.”

  Cohen claps, a proud smile on his lips. “Good for you! Let’s show him then. What’s your name?” He’s still smiling as he twirls his pen around his fingers.

  I breathe out, “Emily Spencer.”

  I watch with complete satisfaction as he goes to write something down but stops short, his head shooting up to look at me. He’s shocked, confused, and I think there’s a bit of pride in there too.

  Yeah, he can shove that pride up his ass.

  My own father walks into this class and has no idea who I am. I was just a face in this crowd of people.

  How can a father not know his own daughter just by looking at her? Growing up, Declan and I were always compared to David Cohen. We look alike; we have his eyes, his smile. We were his children until he decided to leave us like we meant nothing.

  Fuck him.

  He’s not going to ruin my day or my college experience. I can’t change schools and I can’t drop this class. I’m stuck in this shitty predicament but I will own it.

  David stares at me for a few more seconds until it starts to become awkward. Students turn their heads and look at me, at him next, then wait for something to happen.

  David taps his pen against the podium and clears his throat. “Okay.” His eyes jump to a student sitting in the front, her red bun the only thing I can make out. “You’re up.”

  “I’m Cindy,” she starts with.

  David’s eyes fly back to mine as she continues to speak.

  I look down at my notebook and pretend there’s another man standing up front, talking to the class. I conjure up some believable facts for the next forty minutes that when class is over and I’m walking toward the door, I don’t hear my father calling my name. I hear an older man with a southern accent. It works until I look back and see it’s all a lie.

  “Can I speak to you for a minute?”

  I wait for everyone to pass by me. Tyler and Liam look back at me as they pass and I offer a small smile. I tuck a loose strand of hair behind my ear and try to calm down these unwanted feelings of having my father in the same room as me.

  When the room is clear, I walk toward him, eyes hard, walls up.

  I will not let this man break me again.

  “I didn’t know you–”

  “I can’t transfer out of this class. I would if there was another, trust me.” David crosses his arms over his chest and raises an eyebrow at me. He doesn’t do the whole father thing very well. It’s always been his way. He’s the best. No one can tell him what to do. “Don’t worry about me thinking this is some kind of ‘father-daughter’ thing. You’re my professor. I’m your student. Let’s leave it at that.”

  David nods slowly, his eyes holding mine.

  “Don’t think I’ll be giving you an easy A. Last I remember, you weren’t that great of a student.”

  And there you have it, folks. That’s the David Cohen I knew.

  “See you on Wednesday, professor,” I say, turning my back to him, to walk out.

  Every step I take, I feel that little piece of my childhood try to nudge its way out and smile. The young Emily who was naïve enough to think her father loved her, accepted her, wanted to turn back and hug him. Me, the Emily walking away, shoved that little girl back into the darkness where her father placed her first.

  Walking out of the classroom, I hold my head up high and focus on walking toward my next class, Skills Ensemble l. I’m here for me. For music. For a future. I won’t let that man steer me the wrong way. Not again.

  As I find my way around the school, getting lost once, I spot Tyler and Liam again. And they’re standing next to the door I’m supposed to enter. “You’re in this class too?” I ask. I know it’s normal for people of the same major to have most of the same classes so I shouldn’t be surprised.

  “If we met up earlier, we could have totally swapped schedules and gushed over the fact that we’re in almost everything together!” Tyler exclaims, batting his lashes. I can’t help but laugh at how that sounds and looks coming from him. He’s around six feet tall, full of well-defined muscles. The girly voice does not suit him.

  “What do you have next?” Liam asks, grabbing his phone from his back pocket, looking at it briefly then putting it away. “Hold on. On three.” He holds up one finger, then another, then another.

  “English Comp,” all three of us say at the same time.

  “Boom!” Liam makes a fist and makes an exploding gesture with his fingers. “Mind-blown, right?” He adds a beaming smile that makes you want to smile right back.

  “Not really.” Both of them look at me like I popped their favorite balloon. I think I just did. Oops.

  “So, what’s up with you and Cohen?” Tyler asks, opening the door for us to enter.

  I shrug my shoulders and walk in after Liam.

  “Don’t tell me you’re sleeping with the professor.” Tyler gives me a knowing look before adding, “We can keep a secret though.”

  “Ew. Gross. No.” I shake my head with a disgusted look on my face. “He’s…I know him.” I try to wipe away the thought of what Tyler has created in my head. It’s not something a daughter should even picture. Bunnies. Think of bunnies!

  I grab the first seat I find, Tyler and Liam taking the next ones beside mine. Liam nudges my arm a few times when guys walk into the class and pass me. He tries to embarrass me with a ‘hey, man, she wants your number’ but I quickly shoot that down by blurting out I have a boyfriend. Even if I don’t…

  I can’t focus on who comes in next because I’m busy thinking of when I’ll see Alex again to tell him about this shitty turn of events this morning. I crack a smile when I realize Alex is the only person I want to see right now.

  ***

  As I step foot into the Whitten University Center, I head straight for Hurricane Food Court. Alex is already at Panda Express so I grab my phone and shoot him a quick text saying ‘I’m here’. It’s not until I’m two feet away when I see him having a conversation with a small blonde chick. They’re standing too close to be strangers. I stop short and I feel my smile disappear slowly. I thought we’d come here alone. I was looking forward to it.

  “My sister is at Princeton. We’re letting everyone think I’m there too. I’m not into all the attention.” Alex reaches into his back pocket and reads something on his phone. My text, maybe. He looks up, searching for me, and I start walking again. “Hey.” Alex smiles and turns sideways, giving me his attention.

  “Hey.” My eyes drop to the girl watching me. She’s smaller than me, probably five foot two. Her yellow tank top and jean shorts fit her perfectly. Like, I see her curves and I’m jealous. She’s stunning. Her eyes are somewhere between green and blue, definitely catching anyone’s attention as they spot her. “Hi.”

  “You’re Emily Spencer? I’m Jenn. Your roomie.”

  “You’re real! Sophie and I–”

  She steps into me and pulls me into a hug. I stand there awkwardly and cringe.

  Jenn must realize something is off because she pulls away and apologizes. “Sorry. It’s just…I feel like I know you. I mean, everyone kind of does. You’re dating this guy! This is unreal.”

  Everyone thinks we’re dating.

  I honestly have no idea what we are anymore.

  “Jenn’s in my general biology class,” Alex adds. “She kind of made everyone know I was there.”

  Jenn blushes and looks down at her feet, embarrassed. “I’m so sorry! You try being a normal person and having this famous person walk into class. I thought I died. I legit thought I was in heaven.”

  “Alex is normal,” I say, stepping closer to him. I feel like I have to defend him because he hates when people think he’s not normal. Some people think just because his family is known everywhere, he’s not like us. He feels everything we do. He’s just as normal as the strangers we pass by on the street.

  Alex looks down at me and pulls me into his
side. His hand rests on my hip and I shiver. It’s been so long since I’ve been touched by Alex. My body isn’t prepared for it. But it craves even more.

  “Okay, so, I’m going to go.” Jenn steps backwards, her smile never faltering. “I still feel stupid for putting you on the spot, Alex. I’m truly sorry.” She waves and power walks away from us before we can say anything.

  Alex moves his thumb over my hip, making my shirt hitch up. “So, clearly my day was interesting. How was yours?”

  I look up at him, shaking my head. “My dad is my music theory professor.”

  Alex drops his hand from my hip and stands in front of me. “What the fuck? He’s here?”

  “Yup. Didn’t even know who I was until I said my name.”

  I start walking toward the line for some food but Alex grabs my arm and stops me. “Em…can you transfer out of his class? I can talk to the dean. You don’t–”

  “No, I can’t.” I grab Alex’s hand and pull him toward the line. “I can deal with it. I’ll only see him on Monday’s and Wednesday’s. It’s fine.” If I don’t think about him, it’ll be like he doesn’t exist. He’s just a person teaching my class.

  “I can have the dean look for a new professor. I can–”

  “Alex.” I stare at his chest for a moment, wishing he’d stop talking.

  This is a situation where money and power won’t help me.

  This is real life.

  “It’ll be okay.”

  Alex lets out a breath, his chest knocking into mine for a millisecond.

  “If he says something, or even thinks of doing something, let me know.” Alex tilts my chin up. “Okay?” His hand reaches for the back of my head, his fingers running over the old scar hiding behind my hair.

  I close my eyes and nod.

  The night I got the scar comes to mind and I hate it.

  I tiptoed into the garage to hear my dad play on his guitar. Mom was already in bed, angry with him for leaving empty beer bottles around the house. Declan and I pretended we were drinking from them when Mom walked into the house after work. She ripped the bottle from my hands and stormed over to Dad who was sitting on the couch, drinking his own. It wasn’t pretty.