“Hear me out before you call me gay, alright?” He doesn’t give me time to blink before he adds, “It’s a romance novel…” I don’t hear anything else after that because how can he think I’ll call him gay. Does he not know me?
“I would never. Dec, men who wrote romance novels get all the pussy.”
He dies of laughter when I say that with a straight face.
I join him.
“But seriously, that’s not something people should criticize. I’ve always wanted to read a romance novel written by a man. Will you be writing the male POV? And who is the co-author? Will you self-publish? OMG, will it be in Target and B&N?” I stare at my brother in awe. “You’ve grown so much, Declan.”
“Right, turning twenty-one made me start thinking of things.” He grows serious and tells me more about this book. It’s in the ‘not even an outline, it’s just a thought’ phase right now. He has no idea where it’ll go; he’s just excited that it’ll happen some day.
“And to answer your earlier question, it’s McKenna.”
“McKenna?” I lick some barbeque off my finger and tilt my head in confusion. “McKenna who?”
“Alex’s sister.”
The world comes to a halt and I’m thrown across the room before I land on my feet. He keeps in touch with her? I didn’t even know they spoke. When I was in high school, she only visited during her breaks. I never brought Declan with me when I was at their house.
I ask the dreaded question, “Are you sleeping with her?”
“I don’t have to sleep with her to write a book together,” he mumbles. I raise both brows. “It was only one time.” Right. “Twice.” Oh, god. “A few times.” He takes a sip of his drink and looks at me over the rim of the glass. “Don’t look at me like that.”
I can’t help it. It’s not everyday you find out your brother is sleeping with your boyfriend’s sister.
“How long have you guys…been seeing each other?”
“It’s not important. She’s finishing up school and that’s her main priority right now.”
He gives me the ‘drop it’ look so I reluctantly do. I wonder if Alex knows about this.
“Did she go to Spain? I can’t reach Alex and he mentioned an emergency.”
Declan shakes his head. “Fall recess doesn’t start until the end of the month for her so she still has classes until tomorrow. Damon’s dad is in the hospital and it doesn’t look good.”
Damn. I need to get in touch with them.
After eating, we head back home after a long walk down Riverway like old times, and spend the rest of the night talking about Alex’s family and things I’ve missed at home.
I decide to stay until Sunday so I can have time with my family.
Friday morning, I walk to Zach’s house and then immediately walk back to mine. I haven’t been inside that house since the night of the party and it seems I still can’t do it. I don’t know if I ever will. I don’t leave the house after that. The memories come back and I try my hardest not to let them win.
On Saturday, I join Sophie, her family, and Zach for dinner. We talk about Sophie getting out of her comfort zone and dealing with being at college better than her parents thought she would. Zach is kicked out after nine so Soph and I spend some time together before I head home.
When I get home, Alex calls and tells me that his grandfather past after suffering a heart attack.
I fall asleep on Mom’s bed and pray that she’ll be here forever.
On Sunday, I spot my father when I’m back on campus. He’s with his fiancée and she catches me staring. I hear him tell her I’m just one of his students.
I go to see Landon and I get another tattoo.
Chapter 21
Alex misses a week of school so he can be there for his grandfather’s funeral in Spain. Zach is the one to tell me he’s back after I finish my last class of the day. I make a quick stop at Outtakes and pick up some food then I head to the guys’ room.
Zach answers when I knock. Sophie is sitting on his bed, her elbows propped up on her knees with her face on her hands. Alex’s voice flows around the room, telling her about a time he cried for a week straight when he left his stuffed bull in Barcelona when he was a kid.
I walk into the room and Alex looks over at me with the saddest eyes I haven’t seen since we started college. He’s lying on his bed, an old looking stuffed bull sitting on his stomach. He sits up and stands within three seconds, meeting me halfway. I wrap my arms around him and tell him everything I wish I could have said and done when he needed it the most. He and his grandfather were close. The Sawyer’s visited Alex’s father’s hometown every summer since Alex and McKenna were toddlers.
I know what it feels like to lose the grandparents you were close to.
I know what Alex is going through.
He fists the back of my shirt and buries his face in my hair.
“He was so excited for the next FIFA world cup. He wanted us to drink in Russia like he did with my dad when they visited years ago.” Alex laughs lightly and squeezes me tighter. I wince from the pain he’s causing on my newest tattoo on my back but I don’t move. “I’m going to miss him, Em.”
“I know.” I lift the bag of food I brought. “Let’s eat, in memory of Andrés Sawyer.”
Alex pulls away and nods. “Did you know he was born a Gomez? He took Grandma’s last name when they married. His family was pissed. Always a rebel that man.”
“Did you know I love your little facts?” I say, sitting on his bed.
He leans in and kisses me quickly. When he pushes me down on the bed, I push him off and reveal my little secret. To say that he’s stunned that I have a new tattoo is an understatement. I promise to show it to him when we’re alone.
Hours later, Sophie and Zach are passed out on Zach’s bed, and Alex and I are snuggled up on his with Torrez, the bull, staring at us from Alex’s desk.
Alex runs his fingers through my hair a few times before he looks down and whispers, “Do you want to go back to your room?”
“Are you kicking me out?” I whisper back, running my fingers up and down his side.
“Not if I go with you.”
My fingers stop moving over his skin, and I blush. I think I know what he’s talking about.
“Are you sure?” Some people want to forget about the pain for a while. If he needs me, I want to help him. He nods, a cocky smile on his lips. “Okay, just know I can’t be on my back. Sooo…” I swing my leg over his and straddle his lap. I lean in close, keeping the whispering between us going. “Either I’m on top or on all fours.”
Alex drops his eyes to my lips, my chest, the spot where we’re almost touching, and then he looks back up. “How about both?”
That’s what I’m talking about.
“Get the condoms.”
I kiss his lips then get off his bed, and write a little note for the lovebirds not to come into the room until it’s clear to do so.
Alex and I run next door like we’re hiding something. It’s exciting!
I pull of my shirt and throw it at him. “Do you want to see it now?”
“Hell yes.”
I shimmy out of my jeans and kick them somewhere. “Come here.”
I walk backwards, Alex following my steps until the backs of my knees hit my bed.
His lips find mine for some time before exploring my neck. Alex twirls me around, never moving his lips from my skin. He unclasps my bra then gathers my hair with one hand and pushes it over my shoulder. I feel the cool air hit my skin when he pulls back. His warm fingers touch my shoulder blade then move to the middle and slide down my back slowly, lightly touching the permanent words on my skin. I have ‘without struggle, there is no progress’ tattooed down my spine. The font is small. You can only read it if you’re really looking at it but I’ll know it’s there. I’ll remember that this road I’m on will be hard to get through but I can make it and I will. Hearing my father chalk me up to just his student will be one str
uggle I need to overcome. I am not his daughter. I don’t think I ever was.
“This…on you, is the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen.”
My eyes flutter closed and my heart does a little happy dance.
His lips land on the small of my back and work their way up until I have goosebumps all over my body. Alex presses himself against me and kisses behind my ear then nips skin and turns me around so I’m facing him.
He takes my face into his hands. “You have no idea how beautiful you are.” My hands leave my sides and slide up his chest. I need something to do before I melt into a pudding at his feet. “You’re the best thing to ever happen to me.” He runs his thumb over my bottom lip and his eyes search my face before locking on mine. The heat in his stare sends my heart soaring. “I love you.”
Tears pool in my eyes as I stand on my tiptoes and kiss him.
No one has ever said those three words to me with so much conviction.
Soph and Zach say it to me all the time because we’re friends, it’s what friends do. Mom and Declan say it because we’re family.
Alex saying it is an entirely different thing. I feel his words seep into my skin, flow right into my blood stream and then find shelter in the marrow of my bones where they’ll be safe forever.
“I love you, too,” I confess. My heart knew it way before my mind did.
He stops me from becoming a blubbering mess by capturing my lips with his own. I’m swept off my feet and settled onto his lap as he spreads out on my bed. Clothing that is in the way gets discarded and we became a tangled mess where I don’t even know where I end and he begins.
***
My Tuesday morning class doesn’t start until eleven thirty so Alex and I stay in our little planet for as long as we can. He did leave sometime early this morning to get food when Sophie came into the room to get clean clothes. He returned with breakfast and a smile that puts the sun to shame. His class starts at one, we’re in no rush just yet.
As I eat my bagel sandwich, Alex sits at my piano and plays a few keys, looking over at me each time he messes up. He knows how to play guitar like an expert and he does more than okay on the piano even if he’s still a little rusty. But it doesn’t matter to me.
“Play me a song,” I say softly.
He stares down at the keys and runs his fingers over them, back and forth, until he figures out what he wants to play. As the first few notes fill the silence of my room, I close my eyes and turn my face toward the window, feeling the sun warm me up.
Alex plays something I’ve never heard of. I don’t speak, I just listen.
When the room is quiet again, I hear the chair he’s sitting on squeak and then he tells me not to move. I wait for one, two, three seconds then I feel his lips on my neck. “Look at this.” I open my eyes and grab his phone from his hand. The picture he just took of me sitting on my bed with the sheets around my body and the sun glowing around me, it’s simply stunning. The lighting is just right, the way my body curves and hides underneath such a thin sheet with my hair cascading down my back looks innocent yet sexy. It’s a photo most photographers wish they’d capture.
“You’re what music looks like.”
He is what music feels like.
I grab his arm and pull him forward so he lands on my bed with his head on my lap.
“Did you know that you make me feel invincible?”
He tilts his head a bit so he’s fully looking at me, beautiful hazel eyes reaching deeper into my soul. His eyes say so much, it’s hard to keep up. He reaches up and slides his hand to the back of my neck, slowly pulling me down. “You don’t need me to feel invincible. You already were.” He presses his lips against mine and adds, “You’re like a superhero.”
I laugh and grab his chin. “Yeah? What’s my super power? My never ending food addiction and my silence?”
He chuckles and shakes his head. “Your music, Em.” He sits up and grabs my hand, lacing our fingers together. “Whenever you play something, there’s meaning behind it. It’s a piece of you. The words you don’t say are spoken through music and they’re powerful.”
I drop our hands into my lap and I run my thumb over the spot above his, back and forth, back and forth. I don’t know why I choose right now to talk about this but I do. Maybe it’s because he thinks I’m a superhero when all I am is a girl made up of a bunch of broken pieces.
“He took so much from me that night.” I look up at Alex with tears in my eyes. His brows furrow for a second before he understands who I’m talking about. “He made the music stop. Alex, when the music stops…I don’t like who I am.”
He squeezes my hand and shifts closer until our knees touch. I lift myself up and climb on his lap, wanting him closer against me. I can never get enough.
“I didn’t report it because I didn’t want anyone else to get in trouble. We were all underage and high. I was scared. And I hated myself even more every day thinking about what I could have done. I just wanted to be normal again but my brain wasn’t letting that through. I felt little pieces of myself die every day.” I squeeze my eyes shut. “I didn’t want to live anymore.”
I hear his hitched breath but I keep going.
“Everyone babied me or bullied me. I was so weak and that didn’t help. When I left school that day, I had no future.” I finally open my eyes and tilt my head back so we’re looking at each other. “I made Declan drive me to your house and your mom cooled me down.”
“My mom?” Alex shakes his head and grips my thighs. “She told me she didn’t hear from you.”
“I was only there for an hour. She helped me find some place to stay while she and my mom worked out the details of living in Florida. Charlie was a God send. Your mom helped me move here discreetly and I made her promise to keep you away from me.” He looks hurt and I feel so bad but it had to be done. “I needed to be away from everything in my past, Alex. She understood that.”
“She forced Princeton down my throat. I didn’t give a fuck about college because I was angry and hurt and fucking destroyed trying to find out if you were okay. I hated myself for being scared of touching you.” His eyes turn down, his fingers still tight on my thighs. “I didn’t want to hurt you or remind you of that night. Just thinking of touching you made me think of that night. I kept my distance but at least you were still there. I was constantly reminded of what a failure I was. I couldn’t save you.”
“But you did! You still do.” Please understand.
Alex scratches the back of his head and stares out of the window. He turns his head. “Did you ever try to hurt yourself?”
I shake my head and place my hand over my heart. “She told my mom that I was thinking of it and the look on her face broke me. We’re all she has left. I stopped thinking about it.”
“So my mom knew what house you were staying in?” I nod. “I knew that place looked familiar. I just couldn’t remember if Sophie showed me a picture after she visited.”
“Soph wasn’t supposed to tell you anything. I wanted you to forget me.”
Alex grips my chin and raises an eyebrow. “Telling me to forget you is like telling me to rip out my own heart.”
I raise my own eyebrow, matching him. “You’d actually like cutting into it.”
His lips turn up and he tries really hard not to smile.
“You got me there. But still, I’ll never forget you.”
“Because you’re a nerd. You don’t forget anything.”
I peck his lips then wrap my arms around his neck and make him fall back on my bed.
“We’re always doing things backwards.” Ahh, a new random fact. I love it! “We have sex before actually dating, twice might I add, and now we’re discussing things that needed to be discussed the first day I got here.”
“Hey, we ended up fine…this time. Don’t you think? We have so much time to discuss everything afterwards.” He agrees and I reward him with sex because that’s how we started here in the first place and I like what he does to my body, my
heart, everything.
Chapter 22
My therapist ends our session with a smile and a promise to see me in two weeks. I feel like our time went by way too quickly but looking at the clock, it really was the regular hour-long session. This whole month is going by quickly. It’s almost Thanksgiving already. School and having a boyfriend definitely makes the time fly.
I walk out into the waiting area and tell Zach that we’re good to go. He decided to come with me when Alex had to cancel. He and Soph are busying with science related things so us non-science people are spending time together today. Tyler, Liam, and I have to practice our musical piece for class so we’re going to do it at Liam’s place because the rehearsal rooms were already booked.
“Liam said they finished setting up so we can head over.” Zach holds out his bag of gummy bears and I pluck a few red ones. We already finished the Skittles. “Tyler’s lady friend is there.”
I groan as we head out of the building, toward the nearest bus stop. “What does he see in her? Like, seriously. The chick is always nagging.” Tyler started seeing a chick in our music theory class a few weeks ago and I guess the sex is really good because he doesn’t want to stop it. His words.
Zach shrugs his shoulders and pops a few bears in his mouth. “She said Soph looked like a washed up troll doll when she was having a bad hair day.” He turns his eyes on me. “I fucking hate that chick. I’d gladly shave off her eyebrows.”
I laugh at the visual. Cindy, Tyler’s girl, is the kind of chick you see making YouTube makeup tutorials. She’s beautiful. But her attitude makes her rotten. She adores her perfect eyebrows so having them shaven would most likely cause her to die of a heart attack.
“I told her she looked like a plastic doll left in an oven too long when Soph told me that.” I steal another gummy and chew on it. “Tyler texted me afterwards, asking me to ‘be kind to her’.”
“Rich girls.” Zach shakes his head and signals to me that the bus is approaching. “Why are most of them like that? They make me feel proud of my four figure savings account.”
Sounds of Yesterday Page 19
