What the hell was I doing? Maybe making the biggest mistake of my life?
I turned away from the stage, from Razer, and headed back to my responsibilities.
Chapter 27 RAZER
The next day, I dropped by Violet's office to see her. I’d borrowed my cousin’s bike again and, no matter how much she protested, she’d had fun that day.
"We need to talk," she said. "No, we don't. Forget it. There is nothing to talk about. Or, maybe, let's talk about how you think it's okay to drop in whenever you feel like it to talk to me at work. It's damn rude, Razer. I have a job to do and, unless it's work-related, you’re just wasting my time."
Whoa, I wasn't expecting her to get upset like that.
"Fair enough but you don't seem to mind when Alex drops by." As soon as I said that, I wished I could take the words back. That was possibly the worst thing I could’ve say. I sounded like a high school girl.
She glared at me and I moved closer to her. She started to smile at me, there was definitely something going on there. Something that looked good for me. But then, she changed. She pushed me away.
"Razer, you have to face it. There is nothing between us. Nothing. I don't want you getting false hope. I might've given you the wrong idea at times but it meant nothing."
I searched my mind for what I could’ve done to get her angry. Not even regular Violet angry but this cold anger. It was like she’d shut down.
“Is it because I turned up late for the photo shoot? I’ll never do that again. I’ll get a calendar – and an alarm clock. I can be punctual if I need to be.”
She shook her head.
"Is it because of that chick on stage? You know that meant nothing. It was just putting on a show for the people. Just having a bit of fun.”
Shit, I'd gotten carried away up there on stage. Things started and it got the crowd riled up so I kept it going. It'd meant nothing to me at all. I tried to find the words to explain that, to make it right, but I had nothing. Surely Violet wouldn't get angry with me over something like that. She knew what it was like. It had to be something else.
“It’s not about anything.”
"Seriously, it was nothing at all. I don't play around like that. I dunno what's happened in your past, some guys really played you or something, but I'm not that guy. I'll never be that guy. Give me a chance, I'll prove it you. If I ever hurt you, it'd hurt me even more."
“It’s not that.”
The way her voice sounded, so thin and wavery, made me want to put my arms around her to comfort her but I couldn’t do that. I was the one causing that pain. I couldn’t stand being the one who’d hurt her. If I could find the part of me that had done that, I’d take a knife and cut it out of me.
“It’s because I keep waking you up when you nap, isn’t it?” That was my last ditch effort. It was the only other thing I could think of.
She turned from me. I just wanted her to meet my eyes, I was wanted to read what was going on inside her, but she wouldn't look at me.
"You don't get it, do you? It's not about that girl on stage and it's not about anything you've done. It's about me and you. We aren't right for each other."
"Violet," I said, the words coming out like a strangled cry.
She shook her head.
I waited but she refused to look at me so I got the hint and left. All I ever wanted to do was make her happy and, if I couldn’t do that, what was I good for?
I walked out of her office and onto the street. As I walked past the bus shelter, I kicked it hard. The younger me would've found someone in the street and picked a fight with him but I wasn't that person any more. I didn’t even want to go tearing around town on the bike.
I had nothing. Nothing but a busted dream and my music.
Chapter 28 VIOLET
I crashed onto the desk, burying my head in my arms. I wouldn't cry. I refused to cry. I was a tough nut and I could handle this.
Yet...
When Razer had looked at me that way, I wanted nothing more than to throw my arms around him and tell him I didn't mean it, but then what? That look had torn my heart to pieces, shattered it like jackhammer, and it only hurt me more that I was the one causing the pain.
The two of us could never, ever get together. If I let him get any closer, I'd end up with no job at all. He was wrong for me. He was all kinds of wrong. I could write an encyclopaedia on the wrongs of Razer.
It was so much more than that though. The feelings I had for Razer were not the right feelings. They weren't the feelings I wanted to have. I wasn't myself when I was with him. I was some smishy, soft girl with a gooey belly. He woke up the dreams I had buried deep within me. All kinds of shit swirled to the surface.
I imagined the two of us together, happy and smiling. A future that stretched on forever.
But, looking at things logically, that future could never exist. He was a rocker and rockers never made for good relationships. They screwed around, they only thought of themselves and they couldn't be depended on. If I went through the thousands of rockers I'd met in my life, pretty much all of them fell into that category. Good for a one night stand or a fling, if you were into that kind of thing, but they weren't boyfriend material.
Razer, he didn't have that smell. He was different to other musos. For a few brief moments I’d thought maybe I could be with him and not lose myself.
But no.
I couldn't think like that. That path lead to destruction.
Anyway, he'd never look at me again. Not after the way I'd twisted his heart in my hands. I'd closed the door and locked it tight.
I was doing the right thing. The smart thing. It was my career and my life on the line and I didn't believe that Razer had a part in that.
So why did it feel like the life was draining out of me? The pain suffocated me. I needed to get some air but I didn't want to leave my office and face everyone. They'd be joking around and I'd have to plaster on a smile.
I wiped my eye. Damn it, I had some dust or something in it, making it water.
Someone knocked on my door.
"Go away," I called.
"It's only me," Carlie replied, opening the door and coming in. "I thought I'd knock because I saw Razer walking out of here like he'd been crushed so I didn't want to walk in on any emotional – shit, have you been crying?"
"Nope, just got something in my eye."
But Carlie looked at me like she didn't believe a word I was saying. She stared, in fact.
I shook my head.
"It's nothing. Maybe overwork and stress."
Carlie lit up a cigarette and sat on the sofa.
"Well, that'd sure be getting to you. Things just go from crazy to totally insane around here. Drew's decided he has some kind of weird tropical disease and thinks he's going to die. He's never even been to the tropics. Mark wants to get a Mohawk and has been asking me a million times if I think it'll suit him. Babs has been jumping down the throat of everyone who talks to her. Sometimes, I wish Chuck would just announce he's selling. At least we'd not have the uncertainty. I think the anticipation of the worst is worse than the worst, if you know what I mean."
She ashed her cigarette.
"Are you sure you're okay?" she asked.
I nodded. I wasn't really in the mood for talking. The sunshine had gone from my world and I just wanted to be alone but Carlie just had to push things.
“You must’ve been pretty rough on Razer, the way he looked when he left here. He was shattered. What the hell did you do to him?”
“I told him he had no hope with me.”
Carlie laughed. Not a real laughter but a really sarcastic, dry laugh.
“Shit, Violet, you’re my friend and all but you are being a right bitch. You can’t be serious. You are running so cold and hot with that guy, he doesn’t know which way his head’s on.”
I folded my arms and glared at her. She could get out of my office if that’s how she was going to talk.
“Listen, I have no ide
a what shit is going on with you but you aren’t handling this well and from the look of your miserable face, it’s not what you want either. You are being a dumb bitch, Violet.”
I had my reasons. Reasons Carlie didn’t know about. No one knew except Chuck and he’d never spilt the beans, surprisingly. I guess he couldn’t hold it over me if everyone knew.
I took a deep breath. Maybe it’d be good to tell someone. It was so hard to live with. If nothing else, it’d shut Carlie up for once and for all.
“Something happened. It was way back when you’d just started here. I didn’t know you that well.
“I finally worked my way up to band booker after pestering Chuck about it for two years. George, the guy who used to book bands, had taken me under his wing and showed me the ropes. I think he wanted to show me more than the ropes but I managed to avoid that. I worked behind the bar but every spare minute I had, I'd work with him, doing all the shit jobs so he could sit back and take it easy. Poor old George had taken it too easy though. A heart attack meant he had to quit and I had my chance. For about a year, I'd had my own ideas about how things should be run but he'd rejected any idea I had.
"’This is the way we're always done things,’ he'd say.
"’That doesn't mean it's the best way,’ I'd reply but nothing ever changed. He just got all defensive like I was invading his territory too far.
“When he retired, I got a chance to make this place into something. Instead of being a bar that had bands on, we became THE club to play. I started seeing one of the rockers that played here. He was the hottest guitarist in town. Hot in body anyway, he was a shit guitarist for a shit band. Pete Cooper. That man was sex on legs. Too much sex. I lost my head over him.”
“Hey, I remember him. He was fucking hot as. What happened to him?”
I was getting to that bit. Carlie could just wait.
“It was all about the sex. They were playing one night and we got really hot and heavy before they played.
"’Come on, Violet, just a quickie before I go on stage. I'm burning up here. I can't play because I'm so crazy for you.’ That was the kind of shit he said.
“I was supposed to be working the door but he had me up against the wall, lips locked together and his hand up my skirt. We were pretty much dry humping for the world to see.”
“Hey, don’t beat yourself up about that. Everyone in the world has dry humped someone in that room. Some of them even wet hump. God, they even do it downstairs. More than one girl has got in trouble at Trouble…”
“Oh, it gets worse.”
I didn’t want her turning this into a joke. I hunched forward, tense and ready to flee.
“Sorry. It’s just that I think you are overthinking this. One bad relationship doesn’t break you forever.”
As she said that, a funny look came over her face. Like she’d realised what she’d said and how it applied to herself. Carlie had secrets just like I did. Our friendship was built on not asking too many questions. Maybe I shouldn’t say any more but, now that I’d started, I had to let it all out.
“We stopped because people had gathered around us, watching and laughing. We needed privacy. I figured I could leave for five minutes. It was slow on the door. The band room was already packed and everyone who was going to show up was there already.
“With nothing but sex on the brain, the two of us ran down to my office for some privacy. I left the cash box with the door taking with the bouncer. I mean, that was his job, right, to be security.
“The sex was fast but mind-blowing. He fucked me hard. I think there are still my nail marks in the desk from that night.
“Where?” Carlie bent forward looking for them. I pushed her way.
“When I got back upstairs, the bouncer was nowhere in sight. With my brain still fuddled from the fucking, I ran to the bar and asked if they'd seen him.
“The barman said he’d gone out for a smoke break. My stomach dropped. He should not have been doing that. Not with all the takings for the night. What a dick. I ran downstairs to the back alley where everyone was out smoking. You were out there and I asked you if you’d seen him.
“You said he’d not been out all night and I nearly threw up. I ran back inside, ran all over the club. He was gone. He was fucking gone. And he'd taken the night's takings with him.”
“Fuck. How did I never know about this?” Carlie lit up another cigarette and stared at me. “You must’ve been shitting yourself.”
“I came to my office and wrapped the blanket around me and just stared off into space until Chuck came in and found me. He raged at me because the band hadn’t gone on stage. It wasn’t just Fred who’d shot through – Pete had disappeared along with Fred and the money.
“I never saw Fred the bouncer again. Or Pete the shit guitarist. They'd played me. Like a fool. I found out later that Pete had run up a shitload of drug debts. Thousands of dollars. I figured the two of them had split the takings and left town.”
I paused for a moment. Even the memory of that night had me shivering.
“Dickheads, it wasn't even that much money. Not enough to ruin my life over. When I told Chuck, he exploded. Went fucking nuts. And I didn't blame him.
"’That's why I didn't want a chick doing this job,’ he'd said. ‘You get all cock hungry for anything carrying a guitar. Sends your brain crazy.’”
“That’s a bit rich coming from Chuck, considering what a dick he makes of himself over his bimbos.”
“Yeah. I wanted to punch him but I couldn’t say a word because he was right. I'd been cock hungry and not thinking. Fred had only started working a week before that. I hadn't thought. My judgment had been clouded by insane lust.”
I didn’t want to look at Carlie in case she had judgement in her eyes. I’d been so stupid.
“Hey, it’s not that bad. You said yourself it was only around a grand – and how much money has Chuck lost us recently?”
“The only way I could hold onto my job was to promise not get mixed with rockers ever again.”
“And now he’s put the pressure on you to agree to this competition because he wants the money. What an absolute bastard. He can’t change the rules midcourse to suit himself. I see now why you were so against it.”
“Even without that promise to Chuck, I'd have never dated another muso again. Fucking men. Fucking rockers. Who needed that shit in their life?”
Carlie walked over and rubbed my arm.
“It was one bad experience. Razer’s no Pete. Alex isn’t either. You should give them a chance.”
Carlie could say that but I knew how close I’d come to disaster.
Chapter 29 ALEX
I rang Violet’s doorbell, not sure what to expect. She didn’t exactly live in the classiest part of town and her apartment building was a worry. I wondered when the last time a maintenance man had been around the place.
“We’re running late,” I said when she opened the door. “We have to rush.”
“Sorry, I had to make sure I was wearing something decent and do my makeup.”
She did look hot, I had to give her that, and I’d love to think she was doing it for me but I knew it wasn’t.
“It’s a radio interview, you know. No one is going to see you.”
She put her hands on her hips.
“That may be so but it’ll come across in my voice. I don’t want to sound like I’m badly dressed, you know.”
I couldn’t argue with that logic.
“The car’s waiting.” I smiled. I’d love to take her hand but I wasn’t sure she’d let me. The way she treated me made me hesitate where I’d normally be confident.
“The car?”
“I figured hiring a car would be better than getting in a dirty, smelly taxi.”
“Hell, I’d have caught the dirty, smell bus.”
“Then you’d be way too late. The bus takes forever.”
We got in the back of the car and Violet made me run through practice questions with her. She could
n’t keep still and kept biting her nails.
“What if they ask me a trick question?” she asked. “I have to be prepared for everything.”
I pulled her hand away from her mouth before she chewed those nails down to the quick.
“They won’t ask trick questions. It’s a promo interview because I booked advertising with them. Their job is to make us look good. It’ll be just a reworking of the press release. I’ll talk about myself and then they’ll throw to you for a few quick questions about Trouble. Nothing you don’t know like the back of your hand.”
She held out her hands in front of her.
“Do I know the back of my hand? I might get nervous and forget it.”
I reached out and grabbed her hand, squeezing it tight.
“I’ll be there. If you struggle or have any problems, I’ll field it. But really, you’ll be great.”
She let me hold her hand but there was something not there. The way she responded was nice, like I didn’t thrill her any more. It was nice, just nice. I wasn’t the kind of guy who wanted nice though. I had to shake her out of that but not while she was so nervous.
The receptionist at the radio station told us to wait outside the studio until we were called in.
“Have you ever been to a radio station before?” Violet asked.
“Yeah, a few times.” I didn’t say any more than that. It wasn’t something I wanted to get into.
“Ah, good. At least one of use will know what we are doing.”
I shot her a reassuring smile. We sat down and Violet pulled a CD out of her bag.
“What’s that?” I asked.
“Razer’s stuff. Since he’s not doing the interview, I brought it along.”
“Violet, this is my interview. You understand that? They are interviewing me because I paid for the ads. Me. Not Razer. We aren’t here to promote him.”
She screwed up her face and put the CDs back in her bag.
“I thought we were promoting the club. But I see what you mean… “
The host of the radio show called us in and indicated our seats. When we were settled, he asked us to wait while he went back on air. I reached out for Violet’s hand but she’d taken out a bottle of water and gulped it down.
Too Many Rock Stars (Access All Areas #1) Page 12
