by Liz Crowe
"The baby. Blake, and Lila…is everyone okay?" Rob's voice was so breathy Craig could barely hear him. He put the oxygen mask back over Rob's mouth and nose.
"I'll check, I promise, and get right back to you. Leave this on, Rob. You need it."
Rob nodded, shut his eyes, and Craig watched his chest rise and fall, realizing the effort the man's body was making just to get at that life giving air. He patted Rob's leg, grabbed his phone and sent Suzanne a text out of habit. Not really thinking she'd make the effort to come here, not after their last huge blow-out fight. But knowing Rob was her friend, she would want to know what was going on with him.
He walked past the main ER desk without a word to anyone including the attractive, dark haired woman who stared him down. He hit floor seven in the elevator and leaned back against the wall, exhausted in body and mind. The words he and Suzanne had thrown at each other flashed across his memory banks, making him wince.
"Stop looking for another excuse to push me away."
"I don't need an excuse Craig. It just won't work."
"But I…you…we…Jesus, woman. We love each other. Why is that not enough for you? It's plenty for me."
She'd kept her back to him, ignoring him. He'd yanked her around, harder than he meant to. But the look in her eyes wasn't fear. It was resolve. "Just go." She ground out. "You and Blake both thought you could fix me. Well you can't, okay? I'm damaged. I'll always be damaged. I can't have children. I can't give you anything resembling a normal family life. I…."
He'd gripped her arms, stared into her eyes. "I don't need kids Suzanne. How many fucking times do I have to say this for you to believe me? Why won't you listen?"
He'd let her go. They'd stood, both of them breathing heavy, the putrid smoke of unspoken words coiling between them. "You say that. But you don't mean it. I know you Craig. You would…you will be an amazing father. But you can't, don't you get it? Not with me. So go. Here. Take this." She'd tried to hand him the necklace but he'd stepped away from her, fury nearly blinding him and making him say some incredibly stupid shit.
"You know what, you're right. You are damaged. Beyond repair, it seems. Or maybe you just aren't willing to be woman enough to own up the fact that a man loves you for you – not for your potential as a baby maker or for your supposed normalcy. Just for you. And that is sad and getting old. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, Suzanne. And maybe, just maybe, someday someone will stick around longer than me, so you can be happy."
"Craig." She'd gulped, tears standing in her eyes. But he held up a hand.
"No. You're right. You go on living your pity party. I don't want to hear it anymore. If you can't see what's right in front of you – what has been right in front of you for nearly six years now, well, I give. Uncle. I'm done." He'd stomped out and nearly passed out drunk at a downtown bar. He'd found himself being led out of the place by none other than the estimable and saintly Blake himself.
"Fuck you, get off me," he'd tried to shake the guy off, pissed but not even sure why.
"Let's go. I know. Believe me, I know."
"No, you don't." Craig had let Blake stuff him into a taxi. He'd made a valiant attempt to focus on the man's face as he leaned into the open window.
"Yeah, Craig. I do. But stay with it. She's worth it."
The elevator door opened onto the women's center; he wandered out to the desk, asked about Lila's condition and was greeted by the man himself. Blake, eyes red rimmed and face haggard, leaning against the wall outside one of the birthing rooms. The distinct sound of a newborn baby floated out from behind the door.
"Hey," He put a hand on Blake's shoulder. This whole thing was gonna get way worse before it got better, he knew it. "Well?" He nodded to the door.
Blake's face collapsed, and he slid to the floor. Craig crouched down in front of him alarmed. But the man looked up at him, smiling through his tears. "A boy," he whispered. Craig pulled him to his feet and they went into the room together.
* * *
Two weeks later, Jack hustled Suzanne to do the door, his phone to his ear after helping her close on the sale of her Barton Hills house. He ended the call, and grabbed her arm. "Hey, can you come with me to the hospital? I could use some moral support."
She took a breath. She knew the facts. Rob was dying. Craig had called her late just last night, lifting her heart at the sound of his voice but reducing her to tears with his words. He'd told her everything. Including the fact that Rob and Blake and Lila had decided to take Rob home for the ending. She sighed as she followed Jack over to the U of M medical center. Her heart broke at the thought of what Blake was dealing with. He had been through so much. It was almost incomprehensible, especially considering the baby – Gabriel Robert, just two weeks old.
They walked out of the elevator and she saw Craig. He came to her, gave her a squeeze. "I'm sorry honey." He sighed into her hair, let her go with a shrug. "Truly." The feel of his arms around her made the tears she'd been holding back pour from her eyes.
She leaned on Rob's hospital room door, taking it all in. Blake, sitting by Rob's head on one side, rubbing his lips with ice cubes. Lila, nursing the baby with tears running down her cheeks. She shuddered, and leaned into Jack when he came up behind her.
"Jesus, why is this happening to our friend," she let her own tears wet his shirt when she turned to him.
He held her a minute then let go. She wiped her running nose and eyes and saw Blake. The man who had truly saved her in more ways than one. His amazing green eyes were tired but he held out his arms, and she went into them, wrapping her arms around his waist.
"Don't let him go," he whispered before releasing her to Craig who had walked up behind them. "He's everything I wasn't and loves you. Don't blow this one." Then he walked away from her. Suzanne would replay that split second in her mind in the months to come. Wishing it back, that she had said something, anything, to him to remind him that he had been right for her once, too. That she'd released him to his new life with nothing but good intentions, but had never stopped missing him.
"Hey," Craig slipped his arm around her waist. She leaned into him, intense relief rolling through her at his presence. For a moment she forgot. Forgot she'd pushed him away. She shut her eyes. He kissed her hair, making her shiver. She opened them and saw Jack and Sara at the far end of the hall. Jack had a baby in his arms. Suzanne felt her heart constrict, but she leaned into Craig's body and he tightened his grip on her. "I miss you." He whispered.
They stood, watching as Sara and Blake's parents joined the group. Craig held onto her. She forced herself to relax. "Want to go see him?" He asked her. She nodded, and Craig took her hand and led her down the long hallway.
She forced herself to smile at the sight of her friend, tried to suppress a gasp of dismay at the sight of his gaunt face and blue lips. He held out an arm and she let him hold her. "Damn you Freitag." She let the tears fall. Craig fussed around Rob's IV, listened to his chest, but Rob brushed him away.
"Spare me Doc. Just let me go home."
Suzanne held back a sob. Craig put a hand on Rob's shoulder. "All right, I'm trying to facilitate it. But the protocols…."
"Yeah, yeah." Rob kissed Suzanne's hair, pushed her away. Her knees shook so hard she thought she might fall over. She gripped the bed rails.
"I'll go check on the release." Craig tugged her out of the room with him. Lila went back in with the baby.
Blake was crouched down on the floor, his head in his arms. She could tell that he was about to come apart at the seams. His natural tendency was to be high-energy, never sitting still, and she realized he must have used up so much of it fighting for the man he loved, trying to find solutions, cures, anything. She joined him on the floor, kissed his cheek and kept her mouth shut. She'd long ago relinquished her right to give him advice about anything.
"Thanks," he said, rubbing his hands briskly across his face before rising and going back inside the room. Craig pulled her up and led her to a seat, gave her a q
uick brush of his lips before heading off to the nurse's station. Jack sank in the chair nearby, jiggling his mewling infant. She smiled at her handsome friend and held out her arms. The baby went silent at the hand over. She smiled down at the boy as he flailed around in his thoroughly newborn way. She touched his cheek, and he flinched, his bright blue eyes making her smile.
"Jesus." Jack ran a hand down his face. She looked down the hall, caught sight of Sara talking with her parents. After a while the group joined them. Blake's mother's eyes were red-rimmed, but she was holding it together. Matthew on the other hand seemed utterly undone. He paced, demanded to talk to oncologists, kept trying to wrangle the potential, non-existent transplant.
Beth put a hand on her husband's shoulder. "Sit. Damn it Matthew you are not helping. Just be quiet for a while." He leaned on his knees and kept watch, standing up when Blake strode down the hall.
He stopped in front of his parents and sister. "I'm gonna head over and pick up the girls. Take everybody home and get them settled. Lila will come with Rob in the ambulance." Suzanne had never seen him look so bereft. She gulped, and looked back down at baby Brandis for a second.
"Okay honey. We'll be by later. Maybe spell you guys with Gabe?" Blake's mother said, her voice steady. Suzanne watched Blake's father grip his arms then pull him close for a fierce hug. Blake's eyes shone with emotion as he pulled away.
"Thanks dad." He said, then turned and headed for the elevators. Jack took the now sleeping baby from her arms and settled him into his seat. She looked around for Craig but he'd been called back to the ER according to a nurse who had passed by. She fiddled with her phone, sent Evan a text update and drank some really dreadful swill they passed as coffee and waited some more.
She must have dozed off, waking to the sound of Sara's aggravated voice. "Where the hell is Blake? Julie just called, he's not there yet." Jack tried to talk to her but she jerked out of his grip, started pacing. When she answered another call, her eyes darkened with concern and she stalked away from the group. The whole thing unrolled before Suzanne's eyes like a silent movie montage the split second before disaster – and a sense of eerie dread settled deep in Suzanne's chest. She sighed and stretched her legs out on an adjoining seat. No wonder, really. They were about to lose a good friend and they all had to watch it happen.
Craig dealt with the myriad crisis demanded of him as second in command of a major university emergency room, his mind still back upstairs with Suzanne. She had felt so good to him. And damn him if he weren't glad something had forced her back to his side. God he was such a fucking sap. But he missed her so much it was a physical ache.
She texted him once to ask about Rob's transport home. And then a second time, telling him that Sara was starting to freak out because no one had heard from Blake. He realized it had been nearly two hours since the man had left, ostensibly to pick up his niece, Katie and Lila's daughter, Maddie and get them home ahead of Rob. He ignored the worry and focused on the facts. A gunshot wound call came in on the intercom. He rallied the staff, did his usual prep. But let Lynn take the lead, something in him really starting to panic when Suzanne sent him another "where's Blake" message.
He fiddled with paperwork, hung out by the radio. Then he heard it. The call that changed everything. He grabbed the handset, barked out a few questions, willing himself to remain calm. This was not happening. It couldn't be. Not now. He paged the transplant team on autopilot. The paramedics had called in the horrific car accident quick enough for Craig to tell them to keep him breathing. That he was a potential donor. Trying to like hell to hold it together, he grabbed his phone and called the one guy he trusted to help him relay the news. Jack answered, his voice gruff and angry. "What the fuck is going on Doc?"
Craig opened his mouth, and the words "Blake is dead but …" were about to pass his lips when Jack stopped him.
"Can you come up here?" Jack muttered over what sounded like a shriek of dismay nearby. Craig squeezed his eyes shut, then opened them when he heard the ambulance pull up.
"I have to stay. He's, um, his ambulance just got here. The transplant team is on its way. They will need signatures. Are his parents…."
"No, they left. Why is…oh shit. What happened?"
"It's Blake. He was in a car accident. I'm keeping him alive long enough to…"
Craig forced his voice to remain calm. "Call your in-laws, Jack. I can get Sara to sign the order required to take his lungs but Beth and Matthew need to get back here now."
Suzanne's dreams had the odd, floating, half-awake quality she remembered from her days in medical school. The sounds of a busy hospital flowed around her but she forced her brain to shut down so she could gain much needed rest. The sound of a familiar female voicing yelling "no" over and over made her eyes snap open. She jumped up, trying to sort out who was screaming. Her eyes saw, but couldn't take it in at first. Jack cradled his wife as she sat on the floor against the wall, shaking her head, screaming the word no, over and over again. Nurses rushed at her but Jack held them off and got Sara to her feet, holding her close and whispering in her ear. The look of utter agony on the woman's tear stained face sent a bolt of terror through Suzanne's chest. The elevator dinged open. Craig. Thank God.
She ran to him, but he held her off, looking around for someone else. There were three somber-looking doctors with him, holding a file and a pen. He swallowed, finally looked at her. Fear flared in Suzanne's chest. "Rob? Is he…?"
But Craig shook his head and zeroed in on Sara. Suzanne watched as if from a million miles away. He spoke words that made her heart nearly stop, then turned her entire body into a block of ice.
Blake. Dear God. How could it be? It was supposed to be Rob.
Sara trembled, but Jack helped her sign something on a clipboard then she collapsed back to the floor. He stood, as nurses moved in with needles, and guided Sara to an empty room. Her old friend looked up and met her eyes, shook his head and turned away.
Lila emerged from Rob's room, rubbing her face. The cadre of doctors moved towards her. She started backing away. Jack took Lila's arm and said something Suzanne couldn't hear. Her hearing seemed off, buzzy, as if shutting down in denial of what had happened. Jack led Lila back into Rob's room. Suzanne sank into a chair, and let the reality wash over her like a tidal wave.
A hand dropped on her shoulder. She looked up and the sight of Craig's deep brown eyes broke something loose in her. She choked out a sob, and he held her close. The sounds of the hospital rolled around them as they stood, clutching each other. She felt fury build in her, anger at all the people around them still alive. Because the one man loved by so many was dead in the flash of chrome and screech of tires.
Craig gripped her arms and held her away from him. She tried to catch a breath, focus on his words. Finally they coalesced, lighting a flame in her brain. "God damn you, Suzanne. Marry me. Please. I won't … I can't lose you."
She gasped, tore herself out his arms. His eyes were dark, his shoulders hunched. "What the hell are you talking about?"
"Us. You and me. Together. I'm sick of playing this stupid game with you. We are…were happy together. I need you to admit it. I need you." He looked positively frantic.
She stared at him as the sounds of abject agony hit her ears. Sara still crying as she fought the sedative they'd given her. Then she saw Lila and Jack. The woman's eyes were haunted. Jack touched Suzanne's shoulder unaware of the intimate moment he'd interrupted. "We're going down…to see him." Lila slumped against Jack. He held onto her and looked at Craig. "They're moving Rob to the OR. And he's out anyway. So she wanted to…Christ." Jack's voice broke.
Lila gripped her arm, startling her. "Do you want to come with us?"
Suzanne stared at her, unwilling to acknowledge what the woman was asking of her. Her teeth chattered. Craig grabbed her before she slid to the floor. "You don't have to." He whispered in her ear, but she yanked herself away, still furious with him, and at herself, for being such a cold bitch in the face o
f his obvious earnest emotional reaction to the horrible moment. He stepped back, his face closing down. A small voice told her this was it. She'd pushed him away one time too many. But she turned to Lila, held the woman up on her other side.
"Sure. I'll go with you."
Jack shot her a grateful look. She took a breath. Together they headed to the operating room where Blake's lungs were being removed. Lila's face was a rictus of horror and disbelief. But when Suzanne saw him, saw his face, nearly unrecognizable from the accident her heart calmed. The organ harvest team finished and nodded to their small group. She put her hand on his face. "Good bye," she said brushing his hair back. She put her lips to his cheek, then felt Jack's hand on her arm pulling her away. She didn't remember much after that.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Eighteen Months Later
Suzanne stared dully at the spreadsheets in front of her. Heard and smelled the brewery functioning all around. Her head pounded from lack of sleep. Her hands shook as she tried to focus. It was no use. She pushed back from the desk, spent yet more energy dispelling Blake from her memory banks. He would not go. Evan walked into the back office, reaming someone out on the phone, but her vision was dim, like it had been for months. The air had gone out of her since Blake's accident. Not because the man was hers to lose, but because on that day, she'd driven a nail into the coffin of her own relationship with Craig, once and for all.
She barely registered when Evan dropped into a chair opposite her huge metal desk and ended his call. She continued to ignore him. She'd been ignoring everyone for a while. The entire place had gone into a state of shock that day when the news hit about their one-time young brewer dying in a car accident. Suzanne's eyes burned, the ubiquitous tears threatening once again. She put her head on her arms, rested on the desk and wished for the thousandth time that she'd said more to him that last day.
