She moved sharply away from him, her mouth round with astonishment. He half expected indignant remonstrations, or worse. Perhaps she might even storm away from him. But she did not. Her hand quivered in his and then she gave a little laugh.
“I should like that, if it will not bind us irrevocably.”
“Just a kiss,” he murmured, as the blood raced in his veins. As if there could be such a thing as just a kiss, not with Nell, the woman he loved with every fibre of his being. As if his life would ever be the same again. But the world’s strongest team of oxen could not drag him away from her now.
“Just a kiss,” she said, smiling.
He shifted along the bench to sit closer to her, and gently slid one arm around her slender waist. She leaned into his embrace, gazing up at him with a smile of pleased anticipation on her face, and not a trace of fear. Slowly, oh so slowly, he leaned nearer and she moved too, inching towards him. Her eyes closed. Their lips touched, so softly he could not even be sure it had happened. He drew back slightly.
Her eyes flew open. “No, a proper kiss,” she said.
With laughter bubbling up inside him, he pulled her more tightly into his arms. And then he kissed her.
Warmth and joy exploded within him. His other hand rose to cup her head, feeling the silky softness of her hair. One of her hands crept round his back while the other buried itself somewhere beneath his cravat, clasping his shirt. Her lips were velvety and yielding beneath his, and warm, so warm, setting him on fire. He was burning up, fire running in his veins, kissing her hungrily as the suppressed need of many months rose up to swallow him. She gave a little whimper and returned his kiss with fervour every bit the equal of his own. It was a long, long time before, with infinite reluctance, they drew apart.
“Ohhhh…” she said. Then she laughed, shaking in his arms. “That was… I have not the words.” Another laugh. “But it was most definitely a proper kiss.”
“Does it answer your question?”
She tilted her head to gaze up at him. “I… I am not sure. I am not sure of anything at this precise moment.”
He laughed, and shifted his arm a little more closely around her waist. “Not to worry,” he said. “Take your time. Take all the time in the world. Mourn your husband and your marriage, grieve for what was and what might have been, recover your natural self that so delights me. And if ever you feel that you would like to marry a dear friend, I shall be here waiting for you.”
“Nathan… dear Nathan, it might be a very long time. It might even be… never.”
“Then so be it. I shall wait for you for as long as my love endures – all the years of my life and beyond.” And then mischief overtook him, for he added, “However, if you should wish to test out the fires of passion again while we wait — just a kiss, nothing binding — I shall be more than happy to oblige.”
“Just a kiss?”
“Just a proper kiss,” he said firmly.
She chuckled and laid her head on his shoulder.
Epilogue
JULY, ONE YEAR LATER
“Are you busy, dearest?” Nell said to her husband. He was hard at work at the big desk in the Percharden House study, making lists. Nathan was always making lists.
“Never too busy to see you, my love. Is the mail here yet? Shall we have some tea?” he said eagerly.
Nell smiled. It was part of their morning ritual. Somewhere in the middle of the day, whenever the footman had been down to the Sagborough post office to collect the mail, they would sit together and read their letters and drink tea, and enjoy a precious few minutes alone without the many other demands on their time.
“Craven is just bringing the letters, and the tea is ordered.”
They moved to the small table by the window, just as Craven entered ahead of the little procession carrying the tea things. He himself bore the large silver salver laden with the day’s post.
“So many!” Nell said, watching as Nathan deftly scooped up a large pile and placed them in front of her. Then a smaller pile for himself. “Replies to the invitations, I expect. Acceptances, let us hope.”
“Bound to be,” Nathan said. “Who in Sagborough would refuse to attend the first ball at Percharden House for a generation? Ah, this one is from the musicians. Good, that is all settled. You shall have music to dance to, Mrs Harbottle.”
As Craven and the footmen withdrew, Nell poured the tea, while Nathan swiftly opened his mail. That, too, was part of their ritual. He read his letters quickly, for they were generally dull business matters, while hers were usually personal and all the better for being savoured.”
“Ah, the attorney tells me the couple he has found to take care of the Davygate house are now in place. He has had all the locks changed and will bring the keys to you tomorrow, if convenient. Is it convenient?”
Nell looked up from the teapot, suddenly anxious. “Are you sure you want to do this? It is your family home, after all.”
“It was what we agreed, and it is part of your marriage settlement, dearest. The house is yours, to do with as you please. Sell it, if you choose, and buy something more to your taste, but I want you to have a house of your own, where you will be safe.”
Hesitantly, she said, “But you are not like Jude. You would never hurt me, would you?”
“Never,” he said fiercely. “But if ever you feel that I might, or are afraid for any reason, you will have somewhere to escape. Darling Nell, I shall never forget my despair when I first met you, having to leave you in that house awaiting Jude’s return, knowing that you had nowhere to go, no one to turn to, nowhere safe. I felt so helpless, and I cannot conceive how desperate your feelings must have been, to be trapped in that way. I want you to have a place to go, that is yours alone. It was my understanding that you wanted this. Was it not the reason you agreed to marry me? That was my cunning plan, after all, to make it impossible for you to refuse me.”
She laughed, but said, “It was the offer of the house which convinced me that I would be safe with you, not the house itself. It seems a waste when I might never use it. It might stay empty for years.”
“Good,” he said at once. “I devoutly hope it may be so, and I shall do all in my power to make it so. But it is there for you and Louis if ever you should need it. Where is Louis, by the way? My ears have not been assaulted today by his enthusiastic attempts to coax a tune out of the schoolroom pianoforte. He has not your talent, my love.”
That made her laugh. “No, Henny is a far better performer than he is. Perhaps I should suggest he gives it up. His talents lie in other directions, I think. The two Macs have taken him to Killingford Pond to collect more damselflies.”
“That is becoming quite an obsession,” he said. “Still, it is considerably better than grasshoppers. My ears are still ringing from Mrs Wells’ screams. Grasshoppers and kitchens do not mingle, I fear.”
“He has been told to ensure the lid is tightly affixed this time. That letter is from Meg — I would know her hand anywhere.”
“It is. They have arrived at Highley Manor, only three days later than expected. Seemingly, little Edward screamed for the entire journey, but she is happy to report that neither she nor Harry murdered the child, despite the provocation, and he is perfectly contented now that he has the Squire and Mrs Smethurst to dote upon him. Grandparents are a wonderful invention. I suppose that perpetual screaming is something we shall also have to learn to endure, in a few months’ time.”
“Not a bit of it, for this child will be perfectly contented, just like his mama. Nathan, I am so glad that Harry and Meg resolved their differences. That brief carriage ride together after the Marford House ball secured all their present happiness.”
He lowered the letter. “It was the ball itself which changed everything.”
“Seeing Meg accepted into the highest society, you mean? Or seeing her admired by all those noblemen?”
“Neither of those. Harry told me that he had never before understood that the members of the be
au monde were so shallow. There are good people, of course, like Lord and Lady Carrbridge, and bad, like Toller, but most are just ordinary men and women entirely devoted to a life of pleasure and excess. It offended his Yorkshire soul, he told me. Harry realised that evening that he was destroying his own happiness, and Meg’s too, for nothing but vanity and ostentatious display. Meg will never be accepted by certain sections of society, and Harry may well lose his seat in the Commons at the next election, but he is still his father’s heir and that will content him, since he has Meg by his side.”
“Ah.”
She looked so thoughtful that he said, “You disapprove? Do you think he should have put his career above his love for Meg?”
“Not at all,” she said, “but if he loses his seat it will be a great loss to the country. Parliament needs men like Harry, who represent ordinary men — the mill owners and manufacturers and yeomen farmers and squires who have no titles or great power, but are vital to the strength of this country.”
“Let us hope, then, that the voters of his constituency agree. Will you not read your own mail? That one is from your brother, I think.”
She broke the seal and unfolded the sheet. “He and Julia are not coming to the ball… oh, wait, now he says that they are. ‘Since Jack is determined to go, we feel obliged to accompany him, lest he fall into bad company.’ There now, that is what he thinks of us, that we surround ourselves with bad company.”
“Or that we are ourselves bad company,” Nathan said laughing. “He thinks us a dreadfully rackety crowd, I am sure.”
“Lord Toller has been seen in Italy, seemingly, so that is where he hid away after society ostracised him. Oh, Julia is increasing again. Goodness, that was quick after Mary.”
Nathan chuckled. “James still wants a son and heir, to displace the ungovernable Jack. Who is that one from?”
“Lady Craston. An acceptance for the ball. And Lord and Lady Gilbert will be coming, too. There, all our local nobles. We shall have an excellent attendance. Oh, this one is from Maria… oh! Oh, goodness! Well!”
“Now I am concerned,” he said. “Is all well?”
“Oh yes…” she said absently, busily scanning the lines. “Well I never! Maria has an admirer.”
“Oh, excellent. Anyone we know?”
“It is Mr Sherrard’s younger brother, Mr Timothy Sherrard, who is almost as wealthy as he is. He came to one of Maria’s card evenings and was so taken with the supper that he went directly to the kitchen to congratulate the cook. Maria says, ‘He saw me there, covered in flour and grease, my hair in disorder and my face aflame from the ovens, and declared himself on the spot. Can you imagine it, dear Nell? And me with the cheesecakes and ice cream still to go up! But he wishes very much to buy the house, and settle the Lloyds elsewhere, and continue the business just as it is, only with his patronage to draw in the very best society. You will be hearing from his solicitor very soon with a proposal for the house.’ Well! If he will marry Maria and save her from a life of perpetual industry, I shall be very glad of it, although it seems that he wishes her to continue cooking, whatever happens. Or perhaps he will engage another cook to work under her supervision.”
“Shall you sell the house, if he makes a sensible offer?” Nathan said.
“Oh yes! I should be very glad to see an end, once and for all, to that part of my life. Jude and I were very happy there for a few years, but latterly…”
He laid down the letter in his hand, and said gently. “Come here, wife, and sit on my knee for a while. We shall have morning callers arriving very soon and then we shall be caged in the saloon with Aunt Amelie, who will purse her lips and look disparaging whenever Henny speaks or is mentioned, and will gush excitedly over her dear, deceased son Felix.” He sighed. “I love her dearly, but her views and mine do not coincide, and I have to force myself sometimes not to express my objections. But whenever I am tempted, I look at my lovely wife with her serene countenance, and bite my tongue.”
Obediently she rose and he lifted her onto his lap, and kissed her long and lingeringly.
“I am glad you do not argue with her,” she said after a while, resting her head on his shoulder. “We have inflicted upon her all your York household, except Meg, and it is a great trial to her, even though this is Louis’ house now, and his wishes must prevail. He is very happy to have Henny here. He has been desperately short of friends of similar age.”
“But he will be ready to go to school, when the time comes,” Nathan said.
“You do not mind if he goes to Winchester?” she said, suddenly anxious. “I thought you might want to send him to your old school.”
“In Edinburgh? No, he will do well enough at Winchester. It is an excellent school, and his Uncle James will keep an eye on him.”
“But our own child will go to Edinburgh? If it is a boy?”
“Do you know, I see no reason why he should not follow his half-brother to Winchester. If you would like that.”
“I should like it very much,” she said happily. “But it might be a girl.”
“Then she will tease the two Macs unmercifully, learn to dance and to play and to draw, and grow up to be almost as beautiful as her mama,” he said complacently.
“That sounds delightful,” she said, her throat absurdly tight. Even after four months of marriage, her husband could still reduce her to trembling tears of joy.
“I want you to have everything you dream of,” he whispered, “for it is no more than you deserve, my dearest love. You have lived in darkness for too long. Now is your time to dance in the sunshine, and sparkle like the priceless jewel that you are.”
“You are very good to me,” she said, her voice a mere thread. “I love you so much, darling husband.”
“As I love you, sweet Nell. I bless the day you threw caution to the four winds and dared to speak openly of love.”
“Sometimes, one has to be reckless,” she said. “There is a time to be good and obedient, but there is a time, too, to reach for the clouds, even if there is a risk of plummeting to earth. It was utterly selfish of me, but I needed to know. All the certainties of my life had been swept away, and I was not even sure of myself any longer. Who was the true Nell — the silent, fearful Nell of Southampton, or the confident society Nell of long ago, or the so-composed but barely alive widow, or some other Nell entirely? I needed to find my place in the world, and the first step on that path was to find out your place in that world. Did you want to set me free to make my own way unaided, or did you want to pull me along behind you, whether I would or no? I learnt that day that what you wanted was to walk beside me, giving me words of encouragement and helping me up whenever I fell. You were — are — the best friend I could ever have imagined.”
“Oh Nell!” His voice was thick, and he squeezed her tight. “I once thought that I would happily take you however I could, even if it was only to protect Louis. In my arrogance, I was sure I could teach you to love me… that all you needed was a gentle, loving husband to be happy. It took me a long time to realise that you could not so easily set the past behind you. Do you remember when we first went up to London, and there was a dispute at one of the inns?” She nodded, remembering it all too well. “How easily the memories rose up to overwhelm you! You needed time to set the bad memories behind you… to find the true Nell, as you put it.”
“There was another reason to delay, too,” she said thoughtfully. “I rushed into marriage with Jude too impetuously. If only we had waited—”
“Hush,” he said softly, pressing one finger against her lips. “We can all play the game of ‘if only’, but it is a game with no winners, only losers. We cannot change the past, and nor should we, for it has made us who we are. Let us have no regrets about what cannot be changed.”
“True, and there is one thing about which I have not the slightest regret.”
“And what is that?” he said, but he was smiling at her, surely guessing her next words.
“Marrying you. You ma
ke me so happy, my dear friend.”
He laughed. “That is my life’s purpose, as you must know. It is the only way I know how to repay you. I thought my heart would never be whole again, but you healed me, my dear Nell.”
“As you healed me.”
“No, it seems to me that you healed yourself. That day when you asked me to lay all my hopes and wishes before you, with nothing hidden or withheld, that was the moment when you seized your life back from your husband’s grip. All I did was to watch and admire your courage.”
“And to kiss me,” she murmured.
She felt rather than heard his laughter. “That too.”
“And you promised to wait,” she said, in a whisper. “You waited for me, until I was ready. Kiss me, husband, and hold me tight.”
“Always,” he said.
THE END
The next book in the series is The Lacemaker. You can read a sneak preview of chapter 1 after the acknowledgements. For more information or to buy, go to my website.
Thanks for reading!
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Family trees: Hi-res version available here.
A note on historical accuracy: I have endeavoured to stay true to the spirit of Regency times, and have avoided taking too many liberties or imposing modern sensibilities on my characters. The book is not one of historical record, but I’ve tried to make it reasonably accurate. However, I’m not perfect! If you spot a historical error, I’d very much appreciate knowing about it so that I can correct it and learn from it. Thank you!
Isn’t that what’s-his-name? Regular readers of my books will know that occasionally characters from previous books pop up again. There are a few in this book. Sagborough residents Sir William and Lady Harbottle were seen briefly in The Seamstress, as was Barbara Drabble, whose lovely daughter Celia became a great success after Fanny dressed her. The Marquess and Marchioness of Carrbridge first appeared in Connie, and Daniel Merton, Lord Carrbridge’s very clever secretary, was first seen in Amy as Sir Osborne Hardy’s friend. Lawyer Mr Willerton-Forbes and his flamboyant sidekick Captain Edgerton have been helping my characters solve murders and other puzzles ever since Lord Augustus.
The Widow (Silver Linings Mysteries Book 1) Page 32
