by L. V. Lewis
“You wouldn’t do that!” she says, sounding horrified.
“After this crazy shit you’ve pulled, I definitely would. You need to get a life, Mother, because you’re no longer welcome in mine.”
I turn around and Brody is right there to comfort me with Alyssa. My heart would split into pieces if they weren’t there to back me up, to be the rocks I need to finally detach myself from my mother’s hold on me. I hear my mother arguing, but I block it out until the sound of the door opening and closing fills the room, and she’s on the other side of that locked door.
“Don’t worry, Sky,” Alyssa says. “We’re here for you.” She pats my arm to try to comfort me.
I nod before burying my face into Brody’s chest. There is strength in his embrace that I need to lean on for hours until I can recover and find myself again. I don’t realize I’m crying until I hear my sobs.
“Alyssa’s right,” Brody says. “We’ve got you, and we’re not going anywhere. I won’t let go until you tell me to.”
I realize that I never want him to, but there’s a comfort in knowing that, too.
Twelve
Miami, Florida
Hard Rock Stadium
BRODY
Sky’s mother is psychotic. I don’t know any other word to describe it. Alyssa actually calls her a psychotic bitch, but I’m trying to be respectful, something the woman has never been to me. Then again, Alyssa can get away with a lot. I’m just happy she’s helping me keep Sky happy with her jokes about it.
In the process of trying to hurt me, Sky’s mother nearly tore her daughter in two. I get her reasons for wanting to protect Sky, but her ways of doing it need drastic improvement.
Sky has proved over and over again that she’s not a child. She’s the business smart and talented woman I’ve fallen in love with, which is why seeing her spiral into her own darkness is killing me.
Each night since her mother’s visit in Detroit, Sky has been tossing and turning in her sleep. The smile I worked so hard to give her is gone again thanks to the woman who calls herself Sky’s family.
At least the cryptic messages and craziness are starting to make sense to me. Stephen Heart has always blamed me for Kimberly, first for her addiction and then for her death. He and his family hate me. They used to always tell me Kim deserved better, and I never denied it. I loved her too much to give her up, and she loved me too much to leave. It was an addictive love all along and not the healthy kind.
With Sky, I realize what healthy love is supposed to look like, but now that Stephen has been thrown at us, I still wonder if I deserve her. She’s too good for me in all the ways that make her absolutely amazing.
When I get like this is when I usually crave a hit. A hard drink other than beer or something stronger seems like it would do the trick. I’m not always teetering so close to that edge, but with all the crazy nonsense I’ve been dealing with and the past coming back to haunt me, I’m craving something. Almost anything feels like it would be amazing once it hits my system and all will be right with the world.
I can’t fall off the ledge, no matter how narrow it may be. Not when Sky needs me now more than ever. I keep waiting to let her down, to repeat the cycle of what I did to Kim. That’s a major reason why she couldn’t see that video. If she knew how horrible I could be, she’d get a clear view of my own darkness, things that I regret doing with every ounce of my soul.
She asked me if I ever hit Kim, and I was honest with her. Not once did I put a single hand on her, but I was verbally abusive. We both were. We’d fight and scream until the drugs were the only thing that we could relate to anymore.
Maybe our relationship would have ended one way or another. We were always too dependent on each other for it not to. It’s one of the reasons why I fell for Sky. She’s independent when she has to be, but I still feel needed by her even after all she can do by herself. It all balances out somehow into a healthy union.
I’ve become a little paranoid since finding out Sky’s mother was behind Stephen’s antics. I watch each performance from beginning to end without fail, hoping and praying nothing else goes wrong. I know Stephen needs professional help, but if anything happens to Sky or Alyssa, I’m going to give him the showdown he wants, whether he has complete mental capacity or not. I won’t lose my woman or her best friend just because he’s holding on to a grudge he can’t let go of properly. Their lives are worth more than that.
Malik has extra security in place throughout the stadium. He found out that Sky’s mother paid some staff members off, which is how Stephen got past security to reach the dressing rooms before. Sky fired every last one of them, and Malik made sure his team knew not to let them anywhere near Sky or the remaining concert locations.
Sky has a promo appearance at one of Miami’s popular night clubs right after the show. I tried to convince her to cancel it, but she’s having none of it. She refuses to let fear dictate how she finishes up this last leg of the tour. It made me proud of her, but I’m still scared shitless of her being around so many people at the club.
I’m anxious with the Miami venue being wide open, even though she’s performed in many similar places before. It feels like I have less control over what happens this time. I’m fidgeting more than usual and pacing back and forth. I know I’m even making the backstage staff nervous.
I let Malik know that I’m going to Sky’s dressing room so I can calm myself down, and I feel better knowing he’s got all sides covered. It’s been days since Stephen has done anything, so maybe I’m all worked up over nothing. I just can’t shake the sensation that something bad can happen.
I get back to her dressing room, and it’s a comfort to be able to see her on television screens back there. At least I can keep an eye on her without driving everyone else insane.
My eyes glance over and spot a gift wrapped box that wasn’t there before Sky went out on stage. It’s small enough to fit in the palm of my hand, and it has a name tag addressed to me. I don’t have to open it to know this is somehow Stephen’s doing.
The first thing I do is call Malik to let him know, and to tell him to do another check of the building. Stephen has to be nearby if this is here. A good thirty minutes pass before I get an all clear from Malik.
I put the box in my pocket to keep Sky from seeing it. The last thing she needs is another thing to worry about. I know I have to tell her, but I figure it would be best to wait until the tour is over. There’s only one more week left and one more venue before we’re back in California.
I try to wait patiently for Sky to finish. The box in my pocket feels like it’s getting heavier by the second. I’m curious to see what the fuck it is. Crazy ideas fill my head, until I’m forced to pull it back out.
When I open the box, I feel my lungs tighten. I stare at the contents for what feels like forever. I feel acutely aware of the blood rushing through my veins as I take in the little baggie of heroin. It’s a small bag but large enough to get a recovering addict back on hardcore drugs again.
Stephen’s note is in the lid, but I only notice it after staring at the heroin for what feels like hours. I unfold the paper to read it silently.
You were always looking for the next high, Savage. Even my sister wasn’t good enough for you. Here’s your chance to prove how selfish you are…how selfish I’ve always known you to be. Take this and fall back into the gutter where you belong. If you don’t take it, I’ll make sure your new girl sees you for the asshole that you are on that video. You know how it ends. Maybe she should, too. You have until Sky’s next concert to decide.
Although it’s him, he still has Kim’s lipstick inside a heart, which only angers me more. He claims to be doing this in the name of his sister, but all he’s doing is ruining the memory of her. I may have been her pathway to the dark side, but her demons were as alive and active as my own. Nothing I could have said or done would’ve kept her from following me into the abyss of addiction.
I’m given two choices of falling: fall back into my add
iction or fall back from Sky when she sees that tape. Even drug retreats and Narcotics Anonymous don’t feel like enough preparation for the little baggie staring back at me.
It takes Sky’s voice to pull me out of my trance. I glance back up at the screen to see her and Alyssa performing the final song. I close the box and shove it back in my pocket. I need a drink, and somehow I think beer just isn’t going to cut it this time.
***
“Are you sure you’re feeling okay?” Sky asks me as we get ready to go to the club.
“Yeah. I’m fine,” I say. I still feel a little buzzed from drinking a few of the airplane-sized vodka bottles that were in our suite. I snuck in a few while Sky showered, and now things feel less heavy and more like a smoky haze I have to wade through. “Why do you keep asking me that?”
“I don’t know,” she says. “You don’t seem like yourself.”
When she looks at me, all I want to do is come clean about everything. Not just the tapes or that I’ve been drinking, but about my entire past being on that video in the span of minutes. I know if she sees what it was like between Kim and me on that video that she’ll never be able to look at me the same way again,
“I’m good,” I tell her. “We better go. Don’t want to keep the club owner and fans waiting. Tonight is a big night.”
She watches me closely and I run my hands through my hair during her scrutiny.
“That must be it,” she says.
“What?” I ask, staring into those curious green eyes that say so much with just one look. Does she know everything by staring at me? If so, she doesn’t say it, and it makes me feel like shit that I could be worrying her more than she needs to be.
“You’re wearing your hair down.”
“You don’t like it?” I felt so constrained with it pulled back, like that one tie held everything back so tight that I couldn’t come up for air, so I ditched the damn thing altogether.
“I didn’t say that. It’s just a different look for you.” She tilts her head. “I like you like this.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. You seem a lot more…relaxed, I guess. It’s a nice change.”
“I feel relaxed. Now, let’s head out before Alyssa beats down our door.” I hold my arm out to her.
“Yes, sir,” she says with a grin as she takes my arm.
The club reflects the Miami aesthetic with neon colors throughout. It still had the darken club vibe, but the lights liven it up. It’s packed wall to wall with people.
Sky’s bombarded as soon as we enter. Everyone either wants to talk to her or get an autograph. Malik and his team do their best to keep some at a distance, so she’s not overwhelmed by the attention.
I stay close to her, too. As if doing so will keep me from going into my pocket and pulling out the contents of my worst nightmare. She’s my anchor; even if she doesn’t know it.
The owner finally comes to greet us and asks Sky to join the DJ on stage for one song. She looks at me as if waiting for me to grant her permission to leave my side.
Maybe my desperation wasn’t subtle after all. I hate letting her go, but this is a great opportunity for her to be the center of attention.
“You should do it,” I say over the music. “This is what you’re here for. You may even be able to collaborate with some DJs on the next album. Might as well start now.”
She nods in agreement. “What about you?”
I give her a kiss, hoping it reassures her. “I’ll be fine, Sky. Go show them what you’re made of.”
The owner whisks her away to prepare for the next song, while I make my way to the bar.
“Vodka straight up,” I tell the bartender, “and keep them coming.” I hand him my card to start a tab.
He nods and takes it. When my drink arrives, I stare at it for a long time. My hand feels the loaded box in my pocket, and I decide to go with the lesser evil.
I down two shots by the time Sky hits the stage, but the craving I’m feeling isn’t satiated. If I had Sky next to me, I’d take her in the bathroom and fuck out my frustration until we were both satisfied, but I had to let her go and do what she was born to do. What I used to be born to do, too, until it nearly destroyed me.
I move away from the bar and head to the bathrooms. I throw cold water on my face, hoping it’ll shock some sense into me.
I take out the box and look it. When I’m all alone, I open it again. My body only wants to remember how good it made me feel, how calm and mellow life was when the drugs flowed through my system.
My mind, on the other hand, remembers the fucked-up shit I did when I was strung out. It’s an all-out war between my mind and body as I roll my thumb over the bag.
“I know you’re going to pour that nasty shit down the drain.”
I look up to see Malik staring at me and then nodding to the heroin.
“This nasty shit got me through some tough times.”
“It also destroyed your ex and almost destroyed you.”
“Yeah. It did.”
“I’m guessing your old pal Stephen got that to you somehow.”
All I do is nod.
“So what are you going to do? Take it, give him the win, and destroy any future you have with Sky? Or are you going to man the fuck up and get rid of it?”
It’d be so easy to fall back into. Like putting something back on that you long forgot. But Sky isn’t worth the easy road. She’s the one I’d trek through deserts and mountains for. She’s the inspiration songwriters write songs for. Am I ready to give her up that easily? Fuck no.
I don’t think twice when I turn on the faucet and let the powdery contents flow down the drain.
“We need a plan to catch this asshole,” I say, staring at the clear sink.
“Already way ahead of you,” he says. “Think it’s time we had a little talk about my military connections.”
Thirteen
Dallas, Texas
AT&T Stadium
SKY
“I want you to watch it,” Brody says, walking into my dressing room after the show. He paces behind me, but I watch him closely in the large mirror.
“Watch what?” I ask.
“The tape Stephen is holding over me.” He stops and stares at me. “I want you to see it. It’s the only way he’s going to lose that fucking power he’s dangling over my head. He knows I don’t want people to see who I was back then, but the truth is that it’s you I’m afraid to show it to.”
I turn around and take his hands into mine. He feels so cold. I hate that he’s so nervous. Over the last few days, I’ve realized that I don’t care about who he was in the past. I never knew that Savage Saban and I never will. The man standing in front of me right now is the real one. Brody Kent is who I fell for all those months ago, the one who showed me I could be the independent woman without my mother hovering over me and acting condescending on every decision I ever made on my own. The man is always showing me that I am not a freak for wanting certain things in bed.
I’ve always wanted someone who could see me as Skylar Samuelson the woman and not the pop singer. Brody is asking me to do the same for him. What I always wanted was something that Brody needed, and I am so ready to give it to him. I hate that he worries about my reaction. Although not knowing was stressing me, I know that nothing on that video will change how I feel about him right now.
“I don’t need to see it,” I finally say.
He stares at me as if unsure of my words. “What did you say?”
“I don’t need to you to show me what’s on that video. I know everything I ever need to know.” I wrap my arms around his waist. “Brody Kent, I love you more than anyone I’ve ever met. You’re part of me now. That means my good is yours and yours is mine. It also means your demons are mine and mine are yours. You can’t take the good and leave out the bad. You have to trust me to handle both. I’m not Kim, and I’ll never be her. You’re not going to make the same mistakes as you did then because you’re different now.”
“You can’t know that,” he says.
“I do, for the simple fact that you want to share the bad parts of your life with me, even though it scares the hell out of you.”
“But you don’t know everything. Stephen left a box with heroin in it when we were in Miami. He wanted me to take it, and I almost did.”
I try to comprehend his rush of words. “He tried to force you to take it?”
He nods. “It’s an ultimatum. If I don’t do it, he shows you the video, but I refuse to let him hurt you. That’s why I want you to see it. Better me than him. I couldn’t stand if you’re bombarded with it.”
“What did you do with the drugs?” I ask. My voice is calm. I don’t want him to think I’m accusing him or judging his struggle with the addiction, but I have to ask.
“With the help of Malik, I poured it out.”
“How did Malik help?”
“He simply reminded me of something I almost forgot.”
“What’s that?”
“That you’re worth fighting for, Sky. I can’t promise I won’t let you down or that I won’t be tempted to slip again, but I can promise you I’ll never stop fighting for us. I will do everything in my power to keep fighting.”
“Then I promise to do the same, too.”
“I don’t know what I did to ever deserve you, but I’m going to work hard to keep you.” He leans down and kisses me with a force that feels like a combination of love and determination.
I melt against him to fall deeper into his kiss. He makes me tremble and relax simultaneously.
He pulls back. “I think there’s a way to catch Stephen,” he tells me.
“Thank, God. I’m not sure how much longer I can take him ruining our lives.”
“Malik and I have a plan to catch Steven, but it’s going take some work, and we’re going to need your help, too.”
“I’ll do anything for this nightmare to be over. My mood is starting to affect my performance, and I want to fix it before San Diego.”
