“Yeah, I’m just a little nervous and scared.” I was touched by his concern for me. I didn’t deserve it. “How about you?” I asked in return.
“I’m really nervous too, but mostly I’m excited. The Petersens seem really nice, and I can tell that they’re good people.”
“They are, Adam.” We turned onto a long paved drive that led to a large stucco house surrounded by evergreens and a perfectly manicured yard lined with colorful flowers.
“Here we go,” I heard Adam say.
We stood in a huge foyer, with ceilings two stories tall. A beautiful staircase led upstairs and straight ahead, through a short hallway, the room opened up to a kitchen, living room and dining room framed by a wall of windows that overlooked Bellingham Bay. The sweeping view was breathtaking, and I felt a sense of pride knowing that Brooklyn was living here in this gorgeous house, surrounded by such beauty. It was a far cry from the modest home that I had grown up in, surrounded by fields of wheat and sagebrush. This house was enormous and beautiful, but it was also warm and homey.
I could feel the sense of family in the colorful construction paper drawings that hung on the bare walls of the kitchen and the Legos that littered the coffee table in the living room. Off to the side of the massive space sat a baby grand piano covered in framed photographs. I couldn’t help but peek at them, a glimpse into Brooklyn’s life. Through the wall of glass near me, I heard children’s laughter, followed shortly by two kids bounding through the sliding glass doors. They both stopped and stood before us.
My gaze immediately locked on Brooklyn’s. Her huge deep blue eyes and long dark curly hair was a sharp contrast to her brother’s pale skin and fine blond hair. She was so petite, reminding me of my young self. I swallowed back the tears and reached my hand out to her. “Hi, Brooklyn. I’m Kendi.”
I waited for her to shake my hand as she paused, her eyes full of wonder. I was suddenly scared of what she was feeling. Was she disappointed, angry? I stood waiting for the resentment that I had feared was coming. Without warning, she leaped toward me, wrapping her small arms around my waist, burying the side of her face into my belly, the exact place where I had given her life.
I could barely hear her tiny voice when she muttered against me, “You finally came.”
I was in awe, not sure what to make of this moment. My hands were outstretched, not knowing where they should be. I looked up from her mound of dark curls, to see Charles and Heather standing aside with their arms around Kyle, giving us our space, tears glistening in their eyes. Adam had a painful look on his face, struggling with new emotions that he could not place.
My attention returned to my beautiful baby girl as I knelt down and enfolded her in my arms, stroking her thick curls down her back with my hand. Tears of joy and sadness and regret washed over me as I held her small frame against me.
After several minutes had passed, Brooklyn released me, looking into my eyes with the same intensity that I had seen in Adam’s eyes countless times. I wiped the wetness from my cheeks with the back of my hand as her face stretched into a smile, showcasing a pair of dimples that were all too familiar. She looked so much like Adam that it was astonishing.
“I can’t wait to show you my new Barbie house,” she chirped in her cute little voice.
And just like that, the very intense, grown-up moment melted away, reminding me that, no matter the circumstances, she was only ten years old.
I laughed with relief. “I would love to see your Barbie house.” I brushed my hand across her cheek, remembering what she looked like the last time I had held her. Seeing how much she had grown and changed reminded me of how much time had passed. All this time I had never stopped loving her.
Adam knelt down beside me and introduced himself. Brooklyn ran her hand over Adam’s hair and then combed her fingers through her own curly locks. “We have the same hair,” she said matter-of-factly.
“Yes, we do,” Adam said in a broken voice. I could tell that he was struggling with his emotions. “And I think we both have these,” he said sticking his finger in her left dimple. She laughed.
I could hear laughter coming from everyone in the room and within that laughter was an awareness that we were all a part of something—together—in a strange, unordinary but extraordinary way.
Brooklyn grabbed Adam’s hand and reached for mine with her other hand. “Come on. I’ll show you my room.”
I held her hand in mine and looked at Heather as if I needed her permission or blessing.
She nodded. “You guys go ahead. We’ll get some snacks and drinks ready.”
The three of us walked hand in hand up the stairs to Brooklyn’s bedroom. It was hard not to notice her excitement as she showed us her beautiful room, adorned with pink everything. We sat on her floor admiring her new Barbie house, asking her a million simple questions about her life, when something caught Adam’s eye. He reached for it, pulling it away from Brooklyn’s neck. A charm that hung from a simple white gold chain. He held the charm in his hand, silent wonderment in his eyes.
I looked more closely to discover that the charm wasn’t a charm at all but my sapphire ring. The one that I had given to Heather, for Brooklyn, the day she was born.
Adam looked into my eyes, unspoken questions lingering between us.
I shrugged and flashed him a look of “It’s the least I could do.” He smiled at me. A variety of emotions fleeted across his face. I felt connected to him and to Brooklyn. The three of us may not be a traditional family, but we were bonded by blood and circumstance, and I knew that this moment would be forever etched in my memory.
An hour later we were sitting outside at a large teak table sipping ice tea and devouring Heather’s delicious homemade snacks. It was a perfect warm, sunny day in the Pacific Northwest, a rare occurrence this time of year, making it nearly a crime to spend the day indoors. An expansive green yard stretched out before us, ending at a cliff that lead to the cold blue waters of the bay below. The view was incredible, and I found myself staring out into the infinite expanse of the ocean waters, inspired by its endlessness. The colors were so vivid here—the deep greens of the bountiful trees, the intense blue of the sky that bled into the dark blue of the ocean.
Brooklyn and Kyle challenged Charles and Adam to a game of soccer, and the four of them ran for the lawn, Charles setting up the goals at each end. Heather and I watched in amusement as the two men scrambled to keep up with the kids. I was impressed with Brooklyn’s skills. She was built like me, petite in every way, but, watching her run circles around the guys, dribbling the ball back and forth between her quick feet with obvious confidence, reminded me of Adam and the way he had dominated fields and courts of any kind back in the day. She had undoubtedly inherited his innate athletic talent. My eyes drifted between Brooklyn and Adam, my love for each of them overwhelming me.
“What’s the story with you two?” Heather asked as we both watched Adam pretend to miss the soccer ball, falling on his rump, pulling Brooklyn and Kyle down with him. Their playful laughter drifted across the lawn as Adam tickled them endlessly.
“It’s long and complicated.” I sighed.
“Do you love him?” Heather cut to the chase.
I looked at Adam before I answered. I felt my heart fill with warmth, and I knew without a doubt what I felt for him. “Yeah, I do. Which is crazy, because, up until a few months ago, I hadn’t seen or heard from him in over ten years. It doesn’t matter how I feel though. He doesn’t feel the same way. It’s too late for us.”
“It’s never too late to build and nourish relationships, Kendi. Today alone should be a testament to that. Just look at Brooklyn. She’s so happy to finally meet you. You should tell him how you feel. I see the way he looks at you. He might surprise you.”
“Trust me. It’s a miracle that he’s even speaking to me right now.”
“Kendi, help us!” I heard Brooklyn squeal. I looked at Heather, and she nodded toward the pile of bodies on the grass in front of us.
I ran over to help free the kids from Adam’s arms, and he somehow managed to pull me down with them. The kids thought that this was hilarious.
“Get her,” Adam yelled.
And I instantly felt little hands tickling me under the arms and chin.
“Her secret spot is right here,” Adam whispered as he tickled my sides, leaving me breathless as I laughed until I cried. I turned on them, trying to tickle Brooklyn and Kyle, but they squealed and ran away to kick the soccer ball to Charles.
Adam and I both fell on our backs sprawled out on the lawn, trying to catch our breath. We were quietly giggling, looking up into the clear blue sky. Our fingers were touching where they rested in the grass, and I felt Adam take my hand in his and interlace our fingers. I turned my head to the side to find him looking at me, his dimples in full form from the huge grin that spread across his face. He looked happy. I smiled back at him, and he squeezed my hand before releasing it to stand up. I looked up to see him standing over me, offering me a hand. I reached for it as he pulled me to my feet.
“Thanks,” I said, as I brushed the grass off my dress and joined Heather back at the table. I wasn’t sure what that moment meant for Adam and me. I couldn’t wrap my head around the peace and calm that filled me, driving away the storm of emptiness and guilt that I had become familiar with. Today was starting to feel like one of the best days of my life.
Letting Go
We rode back to the hotel in complete and utter silence. I was awestruck by Brooklyn’s perfection. I couldn’t articulate the feelings that I was experiencing. I was expecting sheer heartbreak from meeting her and leaving her—again. But instead I was enraptured by this beautiful girl who only emanated curiosity and love toward me, nothing close to the disappointment or resentment that I was expecting. Charles and Heather had raised an amazing child, and, for the first time since the day Brooklyn was born, I felt confident that I had made the right choice, the right choice for Brooklyn.
And everything was different now. I wanted to be a part of her life. I was strong enough to embrace my role in her life, to be there for her in whatever way she needed me. The day had flowed so well that Heather had invited us to stay for dinner. The evening had ended with Adam playing the piano for us, teaching Brooklyn a simple duet that they played together until it was perfect. The melody would be echoing in my mind the rest of the night.
The warmth that I had felt cooking and sharing a meal with the Petersens was so inviting, leaving me with a yearning for what they had. Though Adam and I had given Brooklyn life, it had felt like we were her aunt and uncle, linked in some way, a part of the family. I knew this was only the beginning for all of us. We said our good-byes and promised to see each other soon. Brooklyn asked me to come to her ballet recital the following month, and I gave her my cell phone number, inviting her to call me or text me anytime.
Adam was so quiet, and I wasn’t sure what he was feeling. He was completely captivated by Brooklyn, and, watching them together, I had no doubt that he would be an amazing father. We parked the car in the hotel parking lot, walking side by side through the lobby doors and rode the elevator to the fourth floor in silence.
Where I felt elated, I was concerned that Adam felt my betrayal on a much deeper level now that he had met Brooklyn, and I worried that he was hurting from leaving her, the way that I had feared. I told him good-night and that I would see him in the morning as I opened the door to my room. Adam said good-night quietly and walked slowly to the other end of the hall toward his own room. He looked sad, his head bent down, his hands in the pockets of his dark charcoal dress slacks. I watched him until he disappeared into his room. I let the door close slowly and walked into the quiet of my hotel room. I pulled back the covers and collapsed onto the king-size bed, pulling off my boots and tossing them aside.
I couldn’t help but feel that this was the end of the road for Adam and me. We would both continue our contact with Brooklyn, separately. There was no reason for us to see one another again. I was sure that Adam was still angry with me for the choices that I had made, keeping this secret from him for ten long years.
But I had seen something in his eyes today that I couldn’t explain. Contentment maybe. Not a trace of anger or resentment, but I couldn’t deny the air of melancholy that had surrounded him on the drive to the hotel. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and kiss away his despair, but I was caught up in my own emotions from the day. I honestly still loved him. The truly, madly, deeply kind of love. How was that possible after all this time?
Spending these past few days with Adam had rekindled a fire inside me. Where I had once only wanted closure, I wanted Adam. I knew that I wanted something that I could never have. I had two choices at this point. I could hide in my room all night, say good-bye in the morning and go on with my life, putting it all behind me by throwing myself back into my work, finishing what I had started.
Or I could take Heather’s advice and tell Adam how I felt and hope that someday he would be able to forgive me and, at the very least, we could be friends once again. The thought of going back to my life without Adam or Brooklyn after this day—feeling more complete than I had since giving her up—generated a loneliness that felt far worse than the emptiness that I was used to.
I decided to be honest with myself and Adam, the need to tell him how I felt outweighing my fear of rejection. Still barefoot I grabbed my key card and opened the heavy door to my room, my heart drumming in my chest with anxiety. Deep in thought, swirling words around in my head of what I might possibly say to Adam, I abruptly walked into something or rather someone. Startled, I looked up into a pair of smoldering deep blue eyes. Adam pushed his foot against the door before it closed and slowly backed me into my room, our gazes locked.
Before I could even say his name, I felt strong arms pulling me in closer and soft, warm lips crashed against mine. Instantly intoxicated by his smell, my lips responded desperately against his. I heard the door latch close, and, in the same moment, Adam pushed me back against the wall. His hands were in my hair, his lips forcing mine apart as his tongue expertly found its way into my mouth. I pulled him closer to me, my fingers running frantically through his dark curls.
He brought his hand to my face, fingers wrapped around the back of my head as his thumb grazed my cheek, prompting me to open myself up more to him as he kissed me with a fevered passion. My body ached for him, a powerful need building within me fueled by the heady emotions from the day. I wanted to feel every inch of him against me, without any barriers, physical or mental.
As if reading my mind, his hands found the hem of my dress, pulling it slowly up the curves of my body. I raised my arms straight in the air above me as he continued to peel my dress over my head, pulling his lips from mine only for a brief moment. When I felt the soft cotton fabric graze over my fingers, my eyes found his blazing in return, filled with unmistakable desire.
Standing in front of him in only my bra and panties, feeling vulnerable but desired, I leaned back against the wall. He intertwined our fingers, still above my head as his lips found mine once again; his hands eventually worked their way down my arms to the rest of me. He gently caressed each naked curve of my body, his gaze taking in every inch of me. He leaned in, stroking my neck with his tongue as I tilted my head, giving him better access.
I ran my hands up his back, underneath his already untucked shirt, my fingers feeling every cut of his defined body. I brought my hands between us and unbuttoned his shirt with nimble fingers, pulling it down his arms until it dropped to the floor. My hands molded against the bare skin of his chest, working their way up to his neck as I pulled his lips back to mine.
Feeling his arousal pressing into me, I released his slacks, letting them fall to the floor, and went in search of bare skin inside the cotton of his boxers. Adam moaned against my lips. Releasing my bra, he trailed kisses down my shoulder across my chest, until I felt his wet lips against my breast, taking my nipple i
nto his mouth. My body was consumed with pure longing, the ache between my legs nearly bringing me to my knees.
“Adam,” I managed to whisper, a small whimper, pleading with him, for what, I wasn’t sure. Just when I thought that my legs would give out on me, not able to tolerate the heated desire coursing through my blood another moment, Adam, in one small swoop, cradled me in his arms and carried me to the bed, his lips never leaving mine.
He settled me on my back, and, once his boxers left his body, he was lying next to me, pulling me against him, hands exploring fervently. Within minutes Adam was on top of me, filling me, moaning my name. I was consumed by our past and all that we had endured together and apart, overwhelmed in this heated moment by my love for Adam.
Hot tears spilled from my eyes, and I felt Adam brush them away gently. I opened my eyes at his enduring gesture to find his own eyes filling with moisture, the intensity of his gaze burning into me. We were so connected in the moment, two bodies melting into one, two souls reunited. On the edge of our desire, we both fell seconds apart, crashing into one another. Adam spilling into me as my body trembled against him. He held me firmly in his arms sending chills down my spine as he gently kissed my neck and shoulders.
I stayed in Adam’s arms, feeling every inch of his body against mine as our breath evened out and the thunderous beat of our hearts grew silent. It was hard to ignore the intensity of our connection, reaching a level of transcendence beyond anything that I had ever experienced. I tried to put into words what I was feeling. “Adam.”
“Shh.” He placed his finger over my lips to stop me from speaking. “Don’t say anything, Kendi. Just let me hold you a little bit longer.”
I buried my face in his chest and breathed him in as his words ran through my mind. A little bit longer. Before what? Before we talk about what just happened? My mind eventually quieted, giving in to the exhaustion of an emotional day as I drifted peacefully to sleep in Adam’s arms—the only place I wanted to be.
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