Nonsense Books

by Edward Lear

  Then they came to a country which was wholly covered with immenseorange-trees of a vast size, and quite full of fruit. So they all landed,taking with them the tea-kettle, intending to gather some of the oranges,and place them in it. But, while they were busy about this, a mostdreadfully high wind rose, and blew out most of the parrot-tail feathersfrom Violet's bonnet. That, however, was nothing compared with the calamityof the oranges falling down on their heads by millions and millions, whichthumped and bumped and bumped and thumped them all so seriously, that theywere obliged to run as hard as they could for their lives; besides that thesound of the oranges rattling on the tea-kettle was of the most fearful andamazing nature.

  Nevertheless, they got safely to the boat, although considerably vexed andhurt; and the Quangle-Wangle's right foot was so knocked about, that he hadto sit with his head in his slipper for at least a week.

  This event made them all for a time rather melancholy: and perhaps theymight never have become less so, had not Lionel, with a most praiseworthydevotion and perseverance, continued to stand on one leg, and whistle tothem in a loud and lively manner; which diverted the whole party soextremely that they gradually recovered their spirits, and agreed thatwhenever they should reach home, they would subscribe towards a testimonialto Lionel, entirely made of gingerbread and raspberries, as an earnesttoken of their sincere and grateful infection.

  After sailing on calmly for several more days, they came to anothercountry, where they were much pleased and surprised to see a countlessmultitude of white Mice with red eyes, all sitting in a great circle,slowly eating custard-pudding with the most satisfactory and politedemeanor.

  And as the four travellers were rather hungry, being tired of eatingnothing but soles and oranges for so long a period, they held a council asto the propriety of asking the Mice for some of their pudding in a humbleand affecting manner, by which they could hardly be otherwise thangratified. It was agreed, therefore, that Guy should go and ask the Mice,which he immediately did; and the result was, that they gave a walnut-shellonly half full of custard diluted with water. Now, this displeased Guy, whosaid, "Out of such a lot of pudding as you have got, I must say, you mighthave spared a somewhat larger quantity." But no sooner had he finishedspeaking than the Mice turned round at once, and sneezed at him in anappalling and vindictive manner (and it is impossible to imagine a morescroobious and unpleasant sound than that caused by the simultaneoussneezing of many millions of angry Mice); so that Guy rushed back to theboat, having first shied his cap into the middle of the custard-pudding, bywhich means he completely spoiled the Mice's dinner.

  By and by the four children came to a country where there were no houses,but only an incredibly innumerable number of large bottles without corks,and of a dazzling and sweetly susceptible blue color. Each of these bluebottles contained a Blue-Bottle-Fly; and all these interesting animals livecontinually together in the most copious and rural harmony: nor perhaps inmany parts of the world is such perfect and abject happiness to be found.Violet and Slingsby and Guy and Lionel were greatly struck with thissingular and instructive settlement; and, having previously askedpermission of the Blue-Bottle-Flies (which was most courteously granted),the boat was drawn up to the shore, and they proceeded to make tea in frontof the bottles: but as they had no tea-leaves, they merely placed somepebbles in the hot water; and the Quangle-Wangle played some tunes over iton an accordion, by which, of course, tea was made directly, and of thevery best quality.

  The four children then entered into conversation with theBlue-Bottle-Flies, who discoursed in a placid and genteel manner, thoughwith a slightly buzzing accent, chiefly owing to the fact that they eachheld a small clothes-brush between their teeth, which naturally occasioneda fizzy, extraneous utterance.

  "Why," said Violet, "would you kindly inform us, do you reside in bottles;and, if in bottles at all, why not, rather, in green or purple, or, indeed,in yellow bottles?"

  To which questions a very aged Blue-Bottle-Fly answered, "We found thebottles here all ready to live in; that is to say, our great-great-great-great-great-grandfathers did: so we occupied them at once. And, when thewinter comes on, we turn the bottles upside down, and consequently rarelyfeel the cold at all; and you know very well that this could not be thecase with bottles of any other color than blue."

  "Of course it could not," said Slingsby. "But, if we may take the libertyof inquiring, on what do you chiefly subsist?"

  "Mainly on oyster-patties," said the Blue-Bottle-Fly; "and, when these arescarce, on raspberry vinegar and Russian leather boiled down to a jelly."

  "How delicious!" said Guy.

  To which Lionel added, "Huzz!" And all the Blue-Bottle-Flies said, "Buzz!"

  At this time, an elderly Fly said it was the hour for the evening-song tobe sung; and, on a signal being given, all the Blue-Bottle-Flies began tobuzz at once in a sumptuous and sonorous manner, the melodious andmucilaginous sounds echoing all over the waters, and resounding across thetumultuous tops of the transitory titmice upon the intervening and verdantmountains with a serene and sickly suavity only known to the trulyvirtuous. The Moon was shining slobaciously from the star-bespangled sky,while her light irrigated the smooth and shiny sides and wings and backs ofthe Blue-Bottle-Flies with a peculiar and trivial splendor, while allNature cheerfully responded to the cerulean and conspicuous circumstances.

  In many long-after years, the four little travellers looked back to thatevening as one of the happiest in all their lives; and it was already pastmidnight when--the sail of the boat having been set up by theQuangle-Wangle, the tea-kettle and churn placed in their respectivepositions, and the Pussy-Cat stationed at the helm--the children each tooka last and affectionate farewell of the Blue-Bottle-Flies, who walked downin a body to the water's edge to see the travellers embark.

  As a token of parting respect and esteem, Violet made a courtesy quite downto the ground, and stuck one of her few remaining parrot-tail feathers intothe back hair of the most pleasing of the Blue-Bottle-Flies; whileSlingsby, Guy, and Lionel offered them three small boxes, containing,respectively, black pins, dried figs, and Epsom salts; and thus they leftthat happy shore forever.

  Overcome by their feelings, the four little travellers instantly jumpedinto the tea-kettle, and fell fast asleep. But all along the shore, formany hours, there was distinctly heard a sound of severely-suppressed sobs,and of a vague multitude of living creatures using theirpocket-handkerchiefs in a subdued simultaneous snuffle, lingering sadlyalong the walloping waves as the boat sailed farther and farther away fromthe Land of the Happy Blue-Bottle-Flies.

  Nothing particular occurred for some days after these events, except that,as the travellers were passing a low tract of sand, they perceived anunusual and gratifying spectacle; namely, a large number of Crabs andCrawfish--perhaps six or seven hundred--sitting by the water-side, andendeavoring to disentangle a vast heap of pale pink worsted, which theymoistened at intervals with a fluid composed of lavender-water andwhite-wine negus.

  "Can we be of any service to you, O crusty Crabbies?" said the fourchildren.

  "Thank you kindly," said the Crabs consecutively. "We are trying to makesome worsted mittens, but do not know how."

  On which Violet, who was perfectly acquainted with the art ofmitten-making, said to the Crabs, "Do your claws unscrew, or are theyfixtures?"

  "They are all made to unscrew," said the Crabs; and forthwith theydeposited a great pile of claws close to the boat, with which Violetuncombed all the pale pink worsted, and then made the loveliest mittenswith it you can imagine. These the Crabs, having resumed and screwed ontheir claws, placed cheerfully upon their wrists, and walked away rapidlyon their hind-legs, warbling songs with a silvery voice and in a minor key.

  After this, the four little people sailed on again till they came to a vastand wide plain of astonishing dimensions, on which nothing whatever couldbe discovered at first; but, as the travellers walked onward, thereappeared in the extreme and dim distance a single object, which on a nea
rerapproach, and on an accurately cutaneous inspection, seemed to be somebodyin a large white wig, sitting on an arm-chair made of sponge-cakes andoyster-shells. "It does not quite look like a human being," said Violetdoubtfully; nor could they make out what it really was, till theQuangle-Wangle (who had previously been round the world) exclaimed softlyin a loud voice, "It is the co-operative Cauliflower!"

  And so, in truth, it was: and they soon found that what they had taken foran immense wig was in reality the top of the Cauliflower; and that he hadno feet at all, being able to walk tolerably well with a fluctuating andgraceful movement on a single cabbage-stalk,--an accomplishment whichnaturally saved him the expense of stockings and shoes.

  Presently, while the whole party from the boat was gazing at him withmingled affection and disgust, he suddenly arose, and, in a somewhatplumdomphious manner, hurried off towards the setting sun,--his stepssupported by two superincumbent confidential Cucumbers, and a large numberof Waterwagtails proceeding in advance of him by three and three in arow,--till he finally disappeared on the brink of the western sky in acrystal cloud of sudorific sand.

  So remarkable a sight, of course, impressed the four children very deeply;and they returned immediately to their boat with a strong sense ofundeveloped asthma and a great appetite.

  Shortly after this, the travellers were obliged to sail directly below somehigh overhanging rocks, from the top of one of which a particularly odiouslittle boy, dressed in rose-colored knickerbockers, and with a pewter plateupon his head, threw an enormous pumpkin at the boat, by which it wasinstantly upset.

  But this upsetting was of no consequence, because all the party knew how toswim very well: and, in fact, they preferred swimming about till after themoon rose; when, the water growing chilly, they sponge-taneously enteredthe boat. Meanwhile the Quangle-Wangle threw back the pumpkin with immenseforce, so that it hit the rocks where the malicious little boy inrose-colored knickerbockers was sitting; when, being quite full oflucifer-matches, the pumpkin exploded surreptitiously into a thousand bits;whereon the rocks instantly took fire, and the odious little boy becameunpleasantly hotter and hotter and hotter, till his knickerbockers wereturned quite green, and his nose was burnt off.

  Two or three days after this had happened, they came to another place,where they found nothing at all except some wide and deep pits full ofmulberry-jam. This is the property of the tiny, yellow-nosed Apes whoabound in these districts, and who store up the mulberry-jam for their foodin winter, when they mix it with pellucid pale periwinkle-soup, and serveit out in wedgewood china-bowls, which grow freely all over that part ofthe country. Only one of the yellow-nosed Apes was on the spot, and he wasfast asleep; yet the four travellers and the Quangle-Wangle and Pussy wereso terrified by the violence and sanguinary sound of his snoring, that theymerely took a small cupful of the jam, and returned to re-embark in theirboat without delay.

  What was their horror on seeing the boat (including the churn and thetea-kettle) in the mouth of an enormous Seeze Pyder, an aquatic andferocious creature truly dreadful to behold, and, happily, only met with inthose excessive longitudes! In a moment, the beautiful boat was bitten intofifty-five thousand million hundred billion bits; and it instantly becamequite clear that Violet, Slingsby, Guy, and Lionel could no longerpreliminate their voyage by sea.

  The four travellers were therefore obliged to resolve on pursuing theirwanderings by land: and, very fortunately, there happened to pass by atthat moment an elderly Rhinoceros, on which they seized; and, all fourmounting on his back,--the Quangle-Wangle sitting on his horn, and holdingon by his ears, and the Pussy-Cat swinging at the end of his tail,--theyset off, having only four small beans and three pounds of mashed potatoesto last through their whole journey.

  They were, however, able to catch numbers of the chickens and turkeys andother birds who incessantly alighted on the head of the Rhinoceros for thepurpose of gathering the seeds of the rhododendron-plants which grewthere; and these creatures they cooked in the most translucent andsatisfactory manner by means of a fire lighted on the end of theRhinoceros's back. A crowd of Kangaroos and gigantic Cranes accompaniedthem, from feelings of curiosity and complacency; so that they were neverat a loss for company, and went onward, as it were, in a sort of profuseand triumphant procession.

  Thus in less than eighteen weeks they all arrived safely at home, wherethey were received by their admiring relatives with joy tempered withcontempt, and where they finally resolved to carry out the rest of theirtravelling-plans at some more favorable opportunity.

  As for the Rhinoceros, in token of their grateful adherence, they had himkilled and stuffed directly, and then set him up outside the door of theirfather's house as a diaphanous doorscraper.

  THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN FAMILIES OFTHE LAKE PIPPLE-POPPLE.

  CHAPTER I.

  INTRODUCTORY.

  In former days,--that is to say, once upon a time,--there lived in the Landof Gramble-Blamble seven families. They lived by the side of the great LakePipple-Popple (one of the seven families, indeed, lived _in_ the lake), andon the outskirts of the city of Tosh, which, excepting when it was quitedark, they could see plainly. The names of all these places you haveprobably heard of; and you have only not to look in your geography-books tofind out all about them.

  Now, the seven families who lived on the borders of the great LakePipple-Popple were as follows in the next chapter.

  CHAPTER II.

  THE SEVEN FAMILIES.

  There was a family of two old Parrots and seven young Parrots.

  There was a family of two old Storks and seven young Storks.

  There was a family of two old Geese and seven young Geese.

  There was a family of two old Owls and seven young Owls.

  There was a family of two old Guinea Pigs and seven young Guinea Pigs.

  There was a family of two old Cats and seven young Cats.

  And there was a family of two old Fishes and seven young Fishes.

  CHAPTER III.

  THE HABITS OF THE SEVEN FAMILIES.

  The Parrots lived upon the Soffsky-Poffsky trees, which were beautiful tobehold, and covered with blue leaves; and they fed upon fruit, artichokes,and striped beetles.

  The Storks walked in and out of the Lake Pipple-Popple, and ate frogs forbreakfast, and buttered toast for tea; but on account of the extreme lengthof their legs they could not sit down, and so they walked aboutcontinually.

  The Geese, having webs to their feet, caught quantities of flies, whichthey ate for dinner.

  The Owls anxiously looked after mice, which they caught, and made intosago-puddings.

  The Guinea Pigs toddled about the gardens, and ate lettuces and Cheshirecheese.

  The Cats sate still in the sunshine, and fed upon sponge biscuits.

  The Fishes lived in the lake, and fed chiefly on boiled periwinkles.

  And all these seven families lived together in the utmost fun and felicity.

  CHAPTER IV.

  THE CHILDREN OF THE SEVEN FAMILIES ARE SENT AWAY.

  One day all the seven fathers and the seven mothers of the seven familiesagreed that they would send their children out to see the world.

  So they called them all together, and gave them each eight shillings andsome good advice, some chocolate-drops, and a small green moroccopocket-book to set down their expenses in.

  They then particularly entreated them not to quarrel; and all the parentssent off their children with a parting injunction.

  "If," said the old Parrots, "you find a cherry, do not fight about whoshould have it."

  "And," said the old Storks, "if you find a frog, divide it carefully intoseven bits, but on no account quarrel about it."

  And the old Geese said to the seven young Geese, "Whatever you do, be sureyou do not touch a plum-pudding flea."

  And the old Owls said, "If you find a mouse, tear him up into seven slices,and eat him cheerfully, but without quarrelling."

  And the old Guinea Pigs said, "Have a care that you
eat your lettuces,should you find any, not greedily, but calmly."

  And the old Cats said, "Be particularly careful not to meddle with aclangle-wangle if you should see one."

  And the old Fishes said, "Above all things, avoid eating a blue boss-woss;for they do not agree with fishes, and give them a pain in their toes."

  So all the children of each family thanked their parents; and, making inall forty-nine polite bows, they went into the wide world.

  CHAPTER V.

  THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG PARROTS.

  The seven young Parrots had not gone far, when they saw a tree with asingle cherry on it, which the oldest Parrot picked instantly; but theother six, being extremely hungry, tried to get it also. On which all theseven began to fight; and theyscuffled, and huffled, and ruffled, and shuffled, and puffled, and muffled, and buffled, and duffled, and fluffled, and guffled, and bruffled, and screamed, and shrieked, and squealed,and squeaked, and clawed, and snapped, and bit, and bumped, and thumped,and dumped, and flumped each other, till they were all torn into littlebits; and at last there was nothing left to record this painful incidentexcept the cherry and seven small green feathers.