Nonsense Books

by Edward Lear

 

  There was an old person of Bray, Who sang through the whole of the day To his ducks and his pigs, whom he fed upon figs, That valuable person of Bray.

 

  There was a young person whose history Was always considered a mystery; She sate in a ditch, although no one knew which, And composed a small treatise on history.

 

  There was an old person of Bow, Whom nobody happened to know; So they gave him some soap, and said coldly, "We hope You will go back directly to Bow!"

 

  There was an old person of Rye, Who went up to town on a fly; But they said, "If you cough, you are safe to fall off! You abstemious old person of Rye!"

 

  There was an old person of Crowle, Who lived in the nest of an owl; When they screamed in the nest, he screamed out with the rest, That depressing old person of Crowle.

 

  There was an old Lady of Winchelsea, Who said, "If you needle or pin shall see On the floor of my room, sweep it up with the broom!" That exhaustive old Lady of Winchelsea!

 

  There was an old man in a tree, Whose whiskers were lovely to see; But the birds of the air pluck'd them perfectly bare, To make themselves nests in that tree.

 

  There was a young lady of Corsica, Who purchased a little brown saucy-cur; Which she fed upon ham, and hot raspberry jam, That expensive young lady of Corsica.

 

  There was a young lady of Firle, Whose hair was addicted to curl; It curled up a tree, and all over the sea, That expansive young lady of Firle.

 

  There was an old person of Stroud, Who was horribly jammed in a crowd; Some she slew with a kick, some she scrunched with a stick, That impulsive old person of Stroud.

 

  There was an old man of Boulak, Who sate on a Crocodile's back; But they said, "Towr'ds the night he may probably bite, Which might vex you, old man of Boulak!"

 

  There was an old person of Skye, Who waltz'd with a Bluebottle fly: They buzz'd a sweet tune, to the light of the moon, And entranced all the people of Skye.

 

  There was an old man of Blackheath, Whose head was adorned with a wreath Of lobsters and spice, pickled onions and mice, That uncommon old man of Blackheath.

 

  There was an old man, who when little Fell casually into a kettle; But, growing too stout, he could never get out, So he passed all his life in that kettle.

 

  There was an old person of Dundalk, Who tried to teach fishes to walk; When they tumbled down dead, he grew weary, and said, "I had better go back to Dundalk!"

 

  There was an old person of Shoreham, Whose habits were marked by decorum; He bought an Umbrella, and sate in the cellar, Which pleased all the people of Shoreham.

 

  There was an old person of Bar, Who passed all her life in a jar, Which she painted pea-green, to appear more serene, That placid old person of Bar.

 

  There was a young person of Kew, Whose virtues and vices were few; But with blamable haste she devoured some hot paste, Which destroyed that young person of Kew.

 

  There was an old person of Jodd, Whose ways were perplexing and odd; She purchased a whistle, and sate on a thistle, And squeaked to the people of Jodd.

 

  There was an old person of Bude, Whose deportment was vicious and crude; He wore a large ruff of pale straw-colored stuff, Which perplexed all the people of Bude.

 

  There was an old person of Brigg, Who purchased no end of a wig; So that only his nose, and the end of his toes, Could be seen when he walked about Brigg.

 

  There was an old man of Messina, Whose daughter was named Opsibeena; She wore a small wig, and rode out on a pig, To the perfect delight of Messina.

  TWENTY-SIX NONSENSE RHYMES AND PICTURES.

 

  The Absolutely Abstemious Ass, who resided in a Barrel, and only lived on Soda Water and Pickled Cucumbers.

 

  The Bountiful Beetle, who always carried a Green Umbrella when it didn't rain, and left it at home when it did.

 

  The Comfortable Confidential Cow, who sate in her Red Morocco Arm Chair and toasted her own Bread at the parlour Fire.

 

  The Dolomphious Duck, who caught Spotted Frogs for her dinner with a Runcible Spoon.

 

  The Enthusiastic Elephant, who ferried himself across the water with the Kitchen Poker and a New pair of Ear-rings.

 

  The Fizzgiggious Fish, who always walked about upon Stilts, because he had no legs.

 

  The Good-natured Grey Gull, who carried the Old Owl, and his Crimson Carpet-bag, across the river, because he could not swim.

 

  The Hasty Higgeldipiggledy Hen, who went to market in a Blue Bonnet and Shawl, and bought a Fish for her Supper.

 

  The Inventive Indian, who caught a Remarkable Rabbit in a Stupendous Silver Spoon.

 

  The Judicious Jubilant Jay, who did up her Back Hair every morning with a Wreath of Roses, Three feathers, and a Gold Pin.

 

  The Kicking Kangaroo, who wore a Pale Pink Muslin dress with Blue spots.

 

  The Lively Learned Lobster, who mended his own Clothes with a Needle and Thread.

 

  The Melodious Meritorious Mouse, who played a merry minuet on the Piano-forte.

 

  The Nutritious Newt, who purchased a Round Plum-pudding for his grand-daughter.

 

  The Obsequious Ornamental Ostrich, who wore Boots to keep his feet quite dry.

  PARSNIP PIE]

  The Perpendicular Purple Polly, who read the Newspaper and ate Parsnip Pie with his Spectacles.

 

  The Queer Querulous Quail, who smoked a Pipe of tobacco on the top of a Tin Tea-kettle.

 

  The Rural Runcible Raven, who wore a White Wig and flew away with the Carpet Broom.

 

  The Scroobious Snake, who always wore a Hat on his Head, for fear he should bite anybody.

 

  The Tumultuous Tom-tommy Tortoise, who beat a Drum all day long in the middle of the wilderness.

 

  The Umbrageous Umbrella-maker, whose Face nobody ever saw, because it was always covered by his Umbrella.

 

  The Visibly Vicious Vulture, who wrote some Verses to a Veal-cutlet in a Volume bound in Vellum.

 

  The Worrying Whizzing Wasp, who stood on a Table, and played sweetly on a Flute with a Morning Cap.

 

  The Excellent Double-extra XX imbibing King Xerxes, who lived a long while ago.

 

  The Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, whose Head was ever so much bigger than his Body, and whose Hat was rather small.

 

  The Zigzag Zealous Zebra, who carried five Monkeys on his back all the way to Jellibolee.

  * * * * *

  LAUGHABLE LYRICS

  A Fourth Book of Nonsense Poems, Songs, Botany, Music, etc.

  by

  EDWARD LEAR

  Author of the _Book of Nonsense_, _More Nonsense_,_Nonsense Songs, Stories_, etc., etc.
>
  With All the Original Illustrations.

  CONTENTS

  LAUGHABLE LYRICS. THE DONG WITH A LUMINOUS NOSE THE TWO OLD BACHELORS THE PELICAN CHORUS THE YONGHY-BONGHY-Bo THE POBBLE WHO HAS NO TOES THE NEW VESTMENTS MR. AND MRS. DISCOBBOLOS THE QUANGLE WANGLE'S HAT THE CUMMERBUND THE AKOND OF SWAT

  NONSENSE BOTANY

  " ALPHABET, No. 5 " " No. 6

  * * * * *

  LAUGHABLE LYRICS.

  THE DONG WITH A LUMINOUS NOSE.

  When awful darkness and silence reign Over the great Gromboolian plain, Through the long, long wintry nights; When the angry breakers roar As they beat on the rocky shore; When Storm-clouds brood on the towering heights Of the Hills of the Chankly Bore,--

  Then, through the vast and gloomy dark There moves what seems a fiery spark,-- A lonely spark with silvery rays Piercing the coal-black night,-- A Meteor strange and bright: Hither and thither the vision strays, A single lurid light.

  Slowly it wanders, pauses, creeps,-- Anon it sparkles, flashes, and leaps; And ever as onward it gleaming goes A light on the Bong-tree stems it throws. And those who watch at that midnight hour From Hall or Terrace or lofty Tower, Cry, as the wild light passes along,-- "The Dong! the Dong! The wandering Dong through the forest goes! The Dong! the Dong! The Dong with a luminous Nose!"

  Long years ago The Dong was happy and gay, Till he fell in love with a Jumbly Girl Who came to those shores one day. For the Jumblies came in a sieve, they did,-- Landing at eve near the Zemmery Fidd Where the Oblong Oysters grow, And the rocks are smooth and gray. And all the woods and the valleys rang With the Chorus they daily and nightly sang,-- "_Far and few, far and few, Are the lands where the Jumblies live; Their heads are green, and their hands are blue, And they went to sea in a sieve._"

  Happily, happily passed those days! While the cheerful Jumblies staid; They danced in circlets all night long, To the plaintive pipe of the lively Dong, In moonlight, shine, or shade. For day and night he was always there By the side of the Jumbly Girl so fair, With her sky-blue hands and her sea-green hair; Till the morning came of that hateful day When the Jumblies sailed in their sieve away, And the Dong was left on the cruel shore Gazing, gazing for evermore,-- Ever keeping his weary eyes on That pea-green sail on the far horizon,-- Singing the Jumbly Chorus still As he sate all day on the grassy hill,-- "_Far and few, far and few, Are the lands where the Jumblies live; Their heads are green, and their hands are blue, And they went to sea in a sieve_."

  But when the sun was low in the West, The Dong arose and said,-- "What little sense I once possessed Has quite gone out of my head!" And since that day he wanders still By lake and forest, marsh and hill, Singing, "O somewhere, in valley or plain, Might I find my Jumbly Girl again! For ever I'll seek by lake and shore Till I find my Jumbly Girl once more!"

  Playing a pipe with silvery squeaks, Since then his Jumbly Girl he seeks; And because by night he could not see, He gathered the bark of the Twangum Tree On the flowery plain that grows. And he wove him a wondrous Nose,-- A Nose as strange as a Nose could be!

  Of vast proportions and painted red, And tied with cords to the back of his head. In a hollow rounded space it ended With a luminous Lamp within suspended, All fenced about With a bandage stout To prevent the wind from blowing it out; And with holes all round to send the light In gleaming rays on the dismal night

  And now each night, and all night long, Over those plains still roams the Dong; And above the wail of the Chimp and Snipe You may hear the squeak of his plaintive pipe, While ever he seeks, but seeks in vain, To meet with his Jumbly Girl again; Lonely and wild, all night he goes,-- The Dong with a luminous Nose! And all who watch at the midnight hour, From Hall or Terrace or lofty Tower, Cry, as they trace the Meteor bright, Moving along through the dreary night,-- "This is the hour when forth he goes, The Dong with a luminous Nose! Yonder, over the plain he goes,-- He goes! He goes,-- The Dong with a luminous Nose!"

  THE TWO OLD BACHELORS.

  Two old Bachelors were living in one house;One caught a Muffin, the other caught a Mouse.Said he who caught the Muffin to him who caught the Mouse,--"This happens just in time! For we've nothing in the house,Save a tiny slice of lemon and a teaspoonful of honey,And what to do for dinner--since we haven't any money?And what can we expect if we haven't any dinner,But to lose our teeth and eyelashes and keep on growing thinner?"

  Said he who caught the Mouse to him who caught the Muffin,--"We might cook this little Mouse, if we only had some Stuffin'!If we had but Sage and Onion we could do extremely well;But how to get that Stuffin' it is difficult to tell!"

  Those two old Bachelors ran quickly to the townAnd asked for Sage and Onion as they wandered up and down;They borrowed two large Onions, but no Sage was to be foundIn the Shops, or in the Market, or in all the Gardens round.

  But some one said, "A hill there is, a little to the north,And to its purpledicular top a narrow way leads forth;And there among the rugged rocks abides an ancient Sage,--An earnest Man, who reads all day a most perplexing page.Climb up, and seize him by the toes,--all studious as he sits,--And pull him down, and chop him into endless little bits!Then mix him with your Onion (cut up likewise into Scraps),--When your Stuffin' will be ready, and very good--perhaps."

  Those two old Bachelors without loss of timeThe nearly purpledicular crags at once began to climb;And at the top, among the rocks, all seated in a nook,They saw that Sage a-reading of a most enormous book.

  "You earnest Sage!" aloud they cried, "your book you've read enough in!We wish to chop you into bits to mix you into Stuffin'!"

  But that old Sage looked calmly up, and with his awful book,At those two Bachelors' bald heads a certain aim he took;And over Crag and precipice they rolled promiscuous down,--At once they rolled, and never stopped in lane or field or town;And when they reached their house, they found (besides their want of Stuffin'),The Mouse had fled--and, previously, had eaten up the Muffin.

  They left their home in silence by the once convivial door;And from that hour those Bachelors were never heard of more.

  Sheet Music--The Pelicans]

  THE PELICAN CHORUS.

  King and Queen of the Pelicans we; No other Birds so grand we see! None but we have feet like fins! With lovely leathery throats and chins! Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee! We think no Birds so happy as we! Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican Jill! We think so then, and we thought so still

  We live on the Nile. The Nile we love. By night we sleep on the cliffs above; By day we fish, and at eve we stand On long bare islands of yellow sand. And when the sun sinks slowly down, And the great rock walls grow dark and brown,

  Where the purple river rolls fast and dim And the Ivory Ibis starlike skim, Wing to wing we dance around, Stamping our feet with a flumpy sound, Opening our mouths as Pelicans ought; And this is the song we nightly snort,-- Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee! We think no Birds so happy as we! Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican jill! We think so then, and we thought so still!

  Last year came out our Daughter Dell, And all the Birds received her well. To do her honor a feast we made For every bird that can swim or wade,-- Herons and Gulls, and Cormorants black, Cranes, and Flamingoes with scarlet back, Plovers and Storks, and Geese in clouds, Swans and Dilberry Duc
ks in crowds: Thousands of Birds in wondrous flight! They ate and drank and danced all night, And echoing back from the rocks you heard Multitude-echoes from Bird and Bird,-- Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee! We think no Birds so happy as we! Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican jill! We think so then, and we thought so still!

  Yes, they came; and among the rest The King of the Cranes all grandly dressed. Such a lovely tail! Its feathers float Between the ends of his blue dress-coat; With pea-green trowsers all so neat, And a delicate frill to hide his feet (For though no one speaks of it, every one knows He has got no webs between his toes).

  As soon as he saw our Daughter Dell, In violent love that Crane King fell,-- On seeing her waddling form so fair, With a wreath of shrimps in her short white hair. And before the end of the next long day Our Dell had given her heart away; For the King of the Cranes had won that heart With a Crocodile's egg and a large fish-tart. She vowed to marry the King of the Cranes, Leaving the Nile for stranger plains; And away they flew in a gathering crowd Of endless birds in a lengthening cloud. Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee! We think no Birds so happy as we! Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican jill! We think so then, and we thought so still!